BPD Sister Finally in Rehab

[WorkingThroughIt]

My alcoholic BPD sister has been in a spiral for several months, picking fights with my 6yo autistic niece on Christmas, burning bridges with the few friends she has left, and deciding that our mother is public enemy #1 after moving back in with my parents.

I thought I would finally feel relief and be able to relax once she went into rehab, and I mostly am, but I unexpectedly have a lot of anxiety lingering in the back of my head about whether she'll take accountability while there and actually change for the better.

She was absolutely horrible to our mom right before she went in, accused her of being abusive and right before Mother's Day posted on her reddit (that she didn't know we knew about) that she wouldn't even cry at our mother's funeral. I had to have an uncomfortable conversation with my dad about our childhood so that he could confront my sister before she went to rehab about her animosity towards our mom and how she had twisted a lot of our childhood to fit her narrative of having a super traumatic upbringing.

Our mom wasn't the greatest, but she did her best with her own mental health issues. I think she had really bad postpartum after having me and never received help for it, so she ended up neglecting us a bit. She had a policy that if her door was closed, we weren't allowed to bug her for anything- and her door was closed 80% of the time. She also had a temper, spanked us over small things as kids, got a bit yelly over us not doing what she wanted. But my dad worked full time 3 hours away, so she also was essentially a single mom during our childhood and I think she did the best she could. We always went to school in clean clothes, she showed up to the majority of our school functions, she would help us beat bosses on our video games, we were rarely turned away if we needed a hug/cuddle, she understood needing mental health days and would let us stay home if we really needed it. I started getting migraines in the 2nd grade, so she sometimes had to come to school multiple times a week during the middle of the day to come bring me tylenol or take me home early. She single-handedly planned every birthday, bought every gift, wrapped, and decorated on her own. She also had to be the bad guy in almost every situation because our dad was working- he got to be the fun dad on weekends/days off.

I think my sister always wanted a "television mom" (and to be an only child, but that's a whole other thing) and nothing our mom did was ever enough. When my sister was a teenager, her BPD symptoms were at their worst and our mom was just desperately trying to keep her under control so that she would at least finish highschool. She'd get calls from the school that my sister skipped classes and she would have to drive around our small town to go find her. They'd get in huge screaming matches where my sister, who has been about 5 inches taller than our mom since highschool, would physically get in our mom's face and provoke her to fight her. I think our mom did slap her once or twice over that 4-5 year period, but I don't know if I can blame her that much for it- it's hard to maintain control with someone constantly in your face screaming "hit me, hit me, hit me".

We lived the same childhood with the same parents, but my fights with our mom never escalated like that. Our fights would maybe include some raised voices before we both left to calm down before coming back to talk it out calmer and apologize. My sister, who I'm learning abused me our whole childhood, is the one who I couldn't fight without it escalating to screaming and violence. This is all what I shared with our dad before he talked with my sister to try and untwist some of her narrative.

I'm worried that she's going to go into rehab and push the blame for all of her decisions onto our mother instead of actually taking any sort of accountability. I'm worried that she's lined our mom up to be the cause of all of her problems, and that she's going to leave rehab thinking all she has to do is go NC with our mom and everything will be magically fixed. I think I'm worried that she's going to leave rehab exactly the same person because she has a scapegoat and doesn't have to focus on her own issues if it's all someone else's fault.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Sometimes, pushing the blame unto our parents is a necessary step in understanding ourselves and healing. I can hear your worries, but in the end, she has her own road to walk, and no amount of worries for your mother will change that. Your sister is in control of her life, of her healing, of her therapy... If she changes, it will be because she wanted to... If she doesn't, it will be because she didn't want to... None of this is your responsibility. I want to recognize your love for your parents and niece, and your need to be there and support them. This is a beautiful role and your niece will be thankful for her aunt, who cared and loved her. But as for your sister, there is simply nothing you can do... It is out of your control.

Plus, if your sister is indeed BPD, rehab will not be enough to help her, she will need a high number of years of therapy to mitigate her symptoms, and the first step for her will be to recognize she needs help... But again : the only one who can do something about it, is her...

BPD is not like alcoholism. My mother is both BPD (my therapist really thinks so) and she used to drink a lot. She stopped drinking when I was ten, and for her: it was the end of the issue. However, the emotional abuse, the neglect, the competition, the wedging, the splitting, the dissociation, the drama, the invalidation : all of it continued, up until I went no contact recently. She thinks she fixed it all when she stopped drinking and in the end, is not able to see that she still abuses us and has a wrecked emotional state for which everyone but her is somehow responsible.

It is easier to fix alcoholism than BPD, and I think there is often a real risk that the pwBPD never gets to the bottom of their illness because of their alcoholism...alcoholism and stopping drinking becomes like a shield of : I did my best, I already stopped drinking for you!

Sending you support... I would try to disengage myself emotionally from her, maybe start to let go of the things you are not in control of...

Hugs