First post - where to start?

[ThatFLGuy]

First post and a long one; please bear with me, mostly I just need to get this out...

My wife and I have been married for almost 19 years and I have had my suspicions that my she might be considered a high-functioning, non-conventional BPD for many years based on my own personal psychology education and what I have read.  She displays quite a few traits, but most significantly the splitting. In all but a handful of our arguments over the years I'm the bad guy and it's always or never, all black and white thinking out of her. Never an apology afterwards and quite a few times there have been instances where she swears I'm the one who has been mad, not her. She has oftentimes had a very different recollection of an incident that supports her claims or denied it ever happened at all. She has displayed this behavior with other people as well, but mostly me. She had a pretty traumatic childhood from what I've learned including physical and mental abuse from her mother which her mother has denied all her life; I can only imagine that's where this started. I've never approached her about the possibility of BPD based on what I've read and the possible negative reactions.

I've had my share of mental health issues including depression and anxiety and the constant roller coaster over the last few years has only exacerbated my own depression. I just started reading "Stop walking on eggshells" for some advice but I just can't help but think this will never get better.

Over the last few months we have gone through a couple of very stressful events that have kept her on edge and the triggers are getting fired on a pretty regular basis. She just started going to a doctor to address some of her self-admitted mood swings but I'm not sure the doctor is going to suspect BPD. She's also recently turned to "alternative medicine" for lack of a better explanation to address these issues that she claims regular doctors can't help her with. Through this new exploration she has found someone she's calling a counselor and after her first visit my wife came back madder than hell and basically said that I've been treating her terribly "all her life" and that it was time for her to set some boundaries. I can only assume that my wife complained about something, got triggered and reverted back to me "always" being the bad guy. I can only wonder what this counselor was thinking of me... not that I'm worried about that, it just seems that the counselor bought into the emotionally unavailable, abusive, cold husband cliché. In addition I can only imagine if she's giving the "counselor" her version of events, what other conclusion could be made?

Now, that said, just this last week she came across a blog about BPD and was pretty upset and finally admitted that she could relate to "every word she just read" but she hasn't mentioned it again since and I'm afraid to bring it up or address it unless she does again.

We had a fight last night and it was back to the old tricks about how I "never" supported her and "never" validated her feelings and I "always" just thought of myself. (I was trying to take her mind off an issue at work and she said I was dismissing the issue despite the fact we'd just talked about it for almost an hour)

So... do I see this as a potential breakthrough that she's identified BPD as a possibility? Or will her doctor and "counselor" keep validating the irrational thoughts and convince her otherwise? Is it more likely that she will talk herself out of this self-diagnosis of BPD and continue validating her own behavior?

Just wondering if it's going to get worse before it gets better, or if it won't likely change at all without her embracing some real treatment.

Thanks for listening...

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rev]

Hey G,

Welcome. And thanks for the honesty and heartfelt testimony.

The bettering board, at least from my perspective, carries much in the way of "grey zones", because often BPD is a factor among many. Unless the situation is truly abusive and one of the partners is going down because of it, some of us here try to tease out other factors as well.

Would it be okay if I asked you some clarifying questions?

How long have you been wondering if this relationship is going to last?  Has it been from day 1 or somewhere further down the line?

Do you find yourself in swings between "we can make this work" and "it's over any minute now"?  And if so, how wide are the swings.

What are your best hopes for reaching out here?  Clarity on what's possible? Coming to a decision about staying or going?  Working on your own sense of boundaries? Etc...

In the meantime, rest easy my friend. You have come to really great place. There's tons of wisdom here and no judgement.  Just keep reaching out as you feel the need.

Hang in there.

Rev

[ThatFLGuy]

Rev,

Thanks for the questions...

As far as when did the "wondering" start? If I'm honest with myself, probably in the first year or two of us being together. At first I chalked it up to the stress we were dealing with because of my ex-wife at the time. Also, the swings didn't seem so bad and her anger almost seemed like PMS more than anything and I just figured it was something we could work through. As the years have gone by though the times when I start thinking I should leave have become more frequent. It's almost always right after a big fight that I start asking myself "How many more times do you want to have to go through this?" and then things would ease up and be fine for a while. I don't think I mentioned before we have a daughter whose a teenager now and that certainly makes the idea of leaving that much more difficult. Having already been through a divorce with children I don't want to go through that again and also I have had to consider what the situation would be like co-parenting with her and who would have custody, etc.

While I'm being honest with myself, I feel as if my own mental health issues have degraded along the way and I'm betting that's pretty common in these types of relationships. If I were to compare the times that I have wanted to leave with the times I was capable of doing it (not in the middle of a depressed state) they were probably getting fewer and fewer.

Honestly I've already accomplished most of what I wanted by finding a group that actually understands the dynamics of being in a relationship with someone who has BPD traits. My main hope now is to find some day to day strategies to deal with the splitting while starting to focus on getting some of my self-esteem back (you actually start to believe some of the stuff you hear year in and year out)

[Rev]

Rev,

Thanks for the questions...

As far as when did the "wondering" start? If I'm honest with myself, probably in the first year or two of us being together. At first I chalked it up to the stress we were dealing with because of my ex-wife at the time. Also, the swings didn't seem so bad and her anger almost seemed like PMS more than anything and I just figured it was something we could work through. As the years have gone by though the times when I start thinking I should leave have become more frequent. It's almost always right after a big fight that I start asking myself "How many more times do you want to have to go through this?" and then things would ease up and be fine for a while. I don't think I mentioned before we have a daughter whose a teenager now and that certainly makes the idea of leaving that much more difficult. Having already been through a divorce with children I don't want to go through that again and also I have had to consider what the situation would be like co-parenting with her and who would have custody, etc.

While I'm being honest with myself, I feel as if my own mental health issues have degraded along the way and I'm betting that's pretty common in these types of relationships. If I were to compare the times that I have wanted to leave with the times I was capable of doing it (not in the middle of a depressed state) they were probably getting fewer and fewer.

Honestly I've already accomplished most of what I wanted by finding a group that actually understands the dynamics of being in a relationship with someone who has BPD traits. My main hope now is to find some day to day strategies to deal with the splitting while starting to focus on getting some of my self-esteem back (you actually start to believe some of the stuff you hear year in and year out)

So I'm going to invite a couple of people to join into this discussion who are pretty good at the kind of things you are talking about.  What I hear you say is this -

Weighing the pros and cons, staying is the right option. And in doing so, you are looking to bolster your own mental wellness so that you don't atrophy any more than you have. It sounds like the frequency of thinking you should leave is not because conditions have changed but after having been at this for long enough, you are starting to wear thin in places.

Does that sound about right?

How much to do you know about the workings of boundary setting and self care. I know these are buzz-words now and can seem meaningless. But they are not. Certainly I can help you with that. The two people I'm going to invite into this conversation are better at the inter personal dynamics than I am. I tend to be a bit more black and white.

I did not have children with my ex and she was really abusive.

Hang in there.

Glad you reached out.

Rev

[Cat Familiar]

Hi GreginFL,
It seems that your priority (for now) is to remain in the marriage and perhaps reassess this decision once your daughter is an adult. How to do that without further damaging your emotional health?

For one, I’d suggest that you look at the Tools in the section above. Getting into arguments can happen when one hasn’t the least idea that will be an occurrence. Staying in an argument after it’s begun, however is a choice.

One of the most challenging things I’ve had to learn to improve my relationship with a BPD spouse has been not to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). I tend to be a chronic Explainer, thinking that if only I go into detail, he will understand and see my side of an issue. That can be true when the mood isn’t heightened and he’s in full command of his emotions, but once triggered, there’s no way he’s going to take in what I have to say.

It’s really irritating when the person who is supposed to love you responds with unjustified criticism and complaints, but I’ve learned that trying to refute those thoughts only digs a deeper hole. So instead, I agree with him when there’s a kernel of truth. “Yep, I’m self absorbed. That’s got to be hard to deal with.”

The all or never thinking is not susceptible to logic, only sometimes does a counter example work. “You never have time to listen to me!” “Yes, Dear, I know there’s never been a moment when I’ve ever listened to you in all the years we’ve been together.” Sometimes humor occasionally works, but use at your own peril.

What I’ve learned that is a necessary part of my thriving in a relationship with a BPD partner is to develop a thick skin and not care so much about his opinion of me. So he has a complaint. I’ll listen and if I find it valid, I’ll address it and make a change. If it seems invalid, I’ll just chalk it up to his opinion. No need to try and change his mind.

Having an outside person of questionable qualifications validate your wife can be irritating, but rather than confront it, you could express curiosity. “So she’s a _________ healer and does _________ work. What have you noticed has changed since you’ve seen her?”

I like asking questions. My partner is not always receptive to them, but asking questions allows me to frame the dialog and allows me to keep a certain emotional distance so I don’t get caught up in his drama.

Tell us more about some of the issues that are problematic in your relationship.

[Notwendy]

BPD is on a spectrum and while a person with traits may be more functional, it can feel as if you are the only one they have issues with. Keep in mind that BPD impacts the most intimate relationships the most, and so it's not really specifically your fault but you may see more of her behaviors than casual acquaintances.

When she blames you or accuses you of something, consider that this is one way she copes with difficult emotions- through projection- seeing the discomfort as something external rather than internal for her. This doesn't mean you need to tolerate being blamed or treated like that, but it can help to not emotionally react to this as if it were personal to you.

You can not change her thinking- but you can work on how you respond to her, and diminish the circular arguments by changing your part in how you participate in them. This may take some stress off you. The tools- how not to JADE  on this board do help.

It's good that she has some awareness that she needs help. It is possible she's given a one sided story to her therapist. It's also possible the therapist is going along with her story to be supportive but will then learn more about the situation as time goes on. There's no way to know what is being said but time will tell on this one. From what I have read, BPD isn't usually the first diagnosis considered as it may take some time to figure that out.

The situation you have the most control over is your own mental health and IMHO it's the most important one. Having marital issues is a stressor- but your own well being is paramount here. Although the term "self care" is often used, it truly is essential. As they say on an airplane " put your oxygen mask on first". It's hard to give of yourself when your own reserves are low, and so taking care of you first is important.