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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: Wife has BPD I want to help  (Read 391 times)
Landsyng

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 3


« on: May 20, 2022, 08:25:26 PM »

Hello World,

I hope you can help me, I’m feeling quite down and I don’t know how to keep up the facade that I’m ok, and a rock for my spouse whom has BPD. For 15 years we’ve been together and relationships in general have been rocky; not ours but her friends and their circle. This isn’t the first time, but this is the first time she’s gone IOP due to a relationship issue since we’ve gotten together, so it’s quite rough.

To help paint the picture She and her friends took an Enneagram test, to help us figure out how best to proceed while she was seeing her doctors and such while IOP. To try and keep the post short and sweet Her result was #2, while her friends result was #8. In short she’s an over-active caregiver, and the friend is a free-spirit leader type.

Two months ago they had an argument about unfair boundaries. She was requesting their undivided attention, and they were feeling controlled and lashed out, this caused her to break down and crumble. That day, within the hour we decided to take a trip to a hospital to see about getting her admitted. They took her back, and about 60 minutes later we’re driving back home to unpack her “Go bag”, they figured she would be fine.

Since then she’s been having problems obviously it wouldn’t get better over night. She’s been going back to that office 5 days a week, 6 hours a day. And today after two months the friend texted her, and asked if she’d want to come watch a show, showing some semblance of wanting to reconnect. I figured it would be a good idea, but she completely shut down and isolated in the bedroom.

So here I am, a #9 on the Enneagram Test the type of person who hates to have the harmony disturbed, and I need some guidance. We’re looking into finding CBT and DBT, but we live in a fairly rural area, and don’t have many in-person resources. I would absolutely love some help to make sure she’s got everything she needs to thrive, and just enjoy life, like she deserves.

Thank you


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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Cat Familiar
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7480



« Reply #1 on: May 21, 2022, 12:02:44 PM »

It sounds like you’re personally out of the fray and the issue is between your wife and her friend.

Best to steer clear of becoming more involved in her drama or siding with her as you can become involved in unhealthy triangulation, with different parties being either Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor and these roles can quickly flip.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

What you can do is to offer the support you’ve been doing and take a look at the Tools in the section above. Often what comes naturally to us communicating as more healthy individuals can be counterproductive in dealing with people with BPD (pwBPD).

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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Landsyng

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 3


« Reply #2 on: May 23, 2022, 08:15:41 PM »

This is a good read, thank you.
I'm not sure how to continue. She's nitpicking every little thing with ALL of the friends in that group, and I don't know how to proceed.

According to that post she's playing the victim, and it's driving herself nuts.
Is there anything you guys do in this situation to help your partner realize their situation? or do you just let them be?

I'm still so lost, and scared about all of this. =/
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