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Author Topic: Ex-wife (BPD) was physically & emotionally abusive & took my son away  (Read 1086 times)
Battered_Husband
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2


« on: May 21, 2022, 03:17:48 AM »

My ex-wife punched me, destroyed my personal property and threatened suicide throughout the marriage.
The marriage lasted 17 years.
It ended 6 years ago.
I was constantly walking on egg shells.
Her mood could swing from calm-to savage-to smiling/happy--all within a matter of minutes. It was bizarre and creepy.

The first time she punched me (square in my nose) was on the last day of our honeymoon.
The next day, on our flight home from Istanbul, I'd seriously considered having the marriage annulled.  I now regret not having done it.

BTW, she never hit me during our 2 years of courtship.
I didn't suspect she had such a violent side.  Although I did know she was insecure about her looks (but then again most women seemed to be, in my experience).  

Before the marriage I once caught her snooping on my computer and reading my personal journals.  That should have been a sign of a deeply disturbed person who could not be trusted...or was desperate to get one step ahead of their fear of abandonment.

She got pregnant in our 2nd year of marriage..which was quite lucky because it happened on our first attempt after she stopped birth control.  After our son was born the sex was infrequent.
I became disinterested in her sexually due to the violence.  
But I remained in the marriage because I cared about her welfare.  I sincerely thought I could help her.

When she was only 12 years old her father died in a car crash.  Her mother (a pompous and emotionally cruel woman) never remarried.  She raised her 4 kids comfortably in rural CT farmhouse on a schoolteacher's salary and her deceased husband's insurance reward.

Knowing that she grew up without a dad made me a surrogate father to her.  A role that I did not want.  However, as we grew together I did my best to assuage her needs for a mentor (she lacked many critical life skills) for instance, I taught her to drive after our son was born-- when she was 39.  

Over time the punches to my face came out of nowhere and were about 3-4 times per year.  Multiply that by 17 years.  
After our son was born, I asked her older brother for help.  I inquired if she'd ever been abused in her childhood.  He gave me the oddest stare and simply whispered "no" and then turned and walked away.
He was a lawyer at that time.  15 years later (after she filed for divorce) he was a superior court judge.  I will refer to him later in this thread.

On two separate occasions she punched me while I was driving our Jeep on a highway...with our infant son buckled in his car seat.
So, she had no regard for her own safety, let alone our son's or mine.
Every time she punched me, I controlled my impulse to retaliate.  Early on, I would grab my car keys and drive away for a few hours.
She would call me constantly leaving me 15 or 20 messages.  
When I'd return she would apologize profusely and say "it will never happen again".   That was a promise she could never keep.  And she repeated it after every incident.
I thought many times about leaving.  
I could not deal with her constant fear of abandonment issues.
But I wanted to stay for our son.

Over time it got so bad that I lost faith in myself.  
I got forced out of my job as an executive (partly because of my loss of attention at work...the humiliation at home was destroying me).

I took her to therapy but she quit...saying she didn't need it.
I continued with the counselor on my own who told me that my wife had BPD!   Apparently, my wife was diagnosed even before our marriage but pretended to me that she was fine.  The therapist get her some medication (I don't recall which one but it is also used for schizophrenia).   My wife would often "forget" to take it.   She was like that with her arrhythmia meds also...always forgetting...asking me to remind her.   I could not believe that an adult could not remember the important of taking daily meds...why was it MY responsibility?

Around 10 years into the marriage, I began an affair with a former girlfriend.  It was out of necessity.  But it didn't last long.  And I wanted my wife to find out about it.  I knew she snooped on my phone. So I left clues for her to figure it out...which she did.  This immediately set her off and the abuse went on, almost daily, for months.  
Our son (now a young teenager) became shell-shocked by the torment, screaming, etc.  

For a while I thought we were going to work it all out.  We took a marriage course together.  But I wanted her back in counseling to discuss the violence.  She refused.  

Eventually, she moved back home with her mother and left me and our son in VA (where we were living at that time).  My son and I had the best time without her.  Four months of peace and quiet.  

I was his year-round coach in all of his sports and in scouting. So we got to focus on our stuff with no fear of roundhouse punches or broken dishes.  

Eventually, I decided to move back to NJ  (where I had a condo to live in) and delivered him to his grandmother's home in CT for high school (the school system in CT was much better than the one in NJ).  I thought my mother-in-law would be supportive of me but she was unaware (or in denial about) her daughter's mental illness.   I was treated like an enemy combatant.  

Within 2 months my son stopped speaking to me.  (That was 6 years ago.   He is now in college and still won't respond to my letters.)

A few months after this she filed for a no-contest divorce against me.
I had not funds to hire a lawyer so I did it.  But before this I emailed her  brother (the lawyer who I'd approached 15 years earlier about her violent behavior).      He is now a superior court judge.   I reminded him of our conversation and confronted him about something I'd learn from my wife over the years since.  She had eventually confessed to me that she WAS INDEED sexually abused by someone in her youth.  It was none other than her older brother.  Yes, the very same brother who was now a judge.  I told him in my email that he was not fit to be a judge and should recuse himself immediately.   His only reply to me was a "Cease & Desist" letter.   Meanwhile, I cc'd his other siblings and an uncle of his (also a lawyer).  So his secret was now in the open.

Not sure how to cope with this pain any longer. I have suppressed it for years.  No-one seems to believe my story of spousal abuse by my wife.  My son won't speak to me.  My own relatives avoid me.  It is a lonely place to be.  Totally misunderstood.  An outcast.  My heartache has now led to actual heart problems.  I have been diagnosed with PVCs and had an ablation procedure a few weeks ago.  Need to have another.  My heart is literally broken.

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SinisterComplex
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 1190



« Reply #1 on: May 23, 2022, 03:24:18 PM »

My ex-wife punched me, destroyed my personal property and threatened suicide throughout the marriage.
The marriage lasted 17 years.
It ended 6 years ago.
I was constantly walking on egg shells.
Her mood could swing from calm-to savage-to smiling/happy--all within a matter of minutes. It was bizarre and creepy.

The first time she punched me (square in my nose) was on the last day of our honeymoon.
The next day, on our flight home from Istanbul, I'd seriously considered having the marriage annulled.  I now regret not having done it.

BTW, she never hit me during our 2 years of courtship.
I didn't suspect she had such a violent side.  Although I did know she was insecure about her looks (but then again most women seemed to be, in my experience).  

Before the marriage I once caught her snooping on my computer and reading my personal journals.  That should have been a sign of a deeply disturbed person who could not be trusted...or was desperate to get one step ahead of their fear of abandonment.

She got pregnant in our 2nd year of marriage..which was quite lucky because it happened on our first attempt after she stopped birth control.  After our son was born the sex was infrequent.
I became disinterested in her sexually due to the violence.  
But I remained in the marriage because I cared about her welfare.  I sincerely thought I could help her.

When she was only 12 years old her father died in a car crash.  Her mother (a pompous and emotionally cruel woman) never remarried.  She raised her 4 kids comfortably in rural CT farmhouse on a schoolteacher's salary and her deceased husband's insurance reward.

Knowing that she grew up without a dad made me a surrogate father to her.  A role that I did not want.  However, as we grew together I did my best to assuage her needs for a mentor (she lacked many critical life skills) for instance, I taught her to drive after our son was born-- when she was 39.  

Over time the punches to my face came out of nowhere and were about 3-4 times per year.  Multiply that by 17 years.  
After our son was born, I asked her older brother for help.  I inquired if she'd ever been abused in her childhood.  He gave me the oddest stare and simply whispered "no" and then turned and walked away.
He was a lawyer at that time.  15 years later (after she filed for divorce) he was a superior court judge.  I will refer to him later in this thread.

On two separate occasions she punched me while I was driving our Jeep on a highway...with our infant son buckled in his car seat.
So, she had no regard for her own safety, let alone our son's or mine.
Every time she punched me, I controlled my impulse to retaliate.  Early on, I would grab my car keys and drive away for a few hours.
She would call me constantly leaving me 15 or 20 messages.  
When I'd return she would apologize profusely and say "it will never happen again".   That was a promise she could never keep.  And she repeated it after every incident.
I thought many times about leaving.  
I could not deal with her constant fear of abandonment issues.
But I wanted to stay for our son.

Over time it got so bad that I lost faith in myself.  
I got forced out of my job as an executive (partly because of my loss of attention at work...the humiliation at home was destroying me).

I took her to therapy but she quit...saying she didn't need it.
I continued with the counselor on my own who told me that my wife had BPD!   Apparently, my wife was diagnosed even before our marriage but pretended to me that she was fine.  The therapist get her some medication (I don't recall which one but it is also used for schizophrenia).   My wife would often "forget" to take it.   She was like that with her arrhythmia meds also...always forgetting...asking me to remind her.   I could not believe that an adult could not remember the important of taking daily meds...why was it MY responsibility?

Around 10 years into the marriage, I began an affair with a former girlfriend.  It was out of necessity.  But it didn't last long.  And I wanted my wife to find out about it.  I knew she snooped on my phone. So I left clues for her to figure it out...which she did.  This immediately set her off and the abuse went on, almost daily, for months.  
Our son (now a young teenager) became shell-shocked by the torment, screaming, etc.  

For a while I thought we were going to work it all out.  We took a marriage course together.  But I wanted her back in counseling to discuss the violence.  She refused.  

Eventually, she moved back home with her mother and left me and our son in VA (where we were living at that time).  My son and I had the best time without her.  Four months of peace and quiet.  

I was his year-round coach in all of his sports and in scouting. So we got to focus on our stuff with no fear of roundhouse punches or broken dishes.  

Eventually, I decided to move back to NJ  (where I had a condo to live in) and delivered him to his grandmother's home in CT for high school (the school system in CT was much better than the one in NJ).  I thought my mother-in-law would be supportive of me but she was unaware (or in denial about) her daughter's mental illness.   I was treated like an enemy combatant.  

Within 2 months my son stopped speaking to me.  (That was 6 years ago.   He is now in college and still won't respond to my letters.)

A few months after this she filed for a no-contest divorce against me.
I had not funds to hire a lawyer so I did it.  But before this I emailed her  brother (the lawyer who I'd approached 15 years earlier about her violent behavior).      He is now a superior court judge.   I reminded him of our conversation and confronted him about something I'd learn from my wife over the years since.  She had eventually confessed to me that she WAS INDEED sexually abused by someone in her youth.  It was none other than her older brother.  Yes, the very same brother who was now a judge.  I told him in my email that he was not fit to be a judge and should recuse himself immediately.   His only reply to me was a "Cease & Desist" letter.   Meanwhile, I cc'd his other siblings and an uncle of his (also a lawyer).  So his secret was now in the open.

Not sure how to cope with this pain any longer. I have suppressed it for years.  No-one seems to believe my story of spousal abuse by my wife.  My son won't speak to me.  My own relatives avoid me.  It is a lonely place to be.  Totally misunderstood.  An outcast.  My heartache has now led to actual heart problems.  I have been diagnosed with PVCs and had an ablation procedure a few weeks ago.  Need to have another.  My heart is literally broken.



Battered...I just wanted to welcome you to the FAM here and let you know we are paying attention. We are always listening.  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I haven't had a chance to go through everything yet. Just doing a quick check in and saw you were a new member posting. I urge you to stick with us and use this place as a resource to help you heal. Here we all get it and understand.

Share as much as you need to, vent, ask questions, etc. In the meantime please be kind to YOU and take care of yourself. I will check in on you and tag my team in as well. In addition there are many members here who will have your back as well.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
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Through Adversity There is Redemption!
Turkish
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12105


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #2 on: May 23, 2022, 09:02:17 PM »

Battered_Husband,

Welcome

I'm glad that you reached out to our community for support.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

It does seem literally heart-breaking that you've been isolated from everyone, most especially your son.

How long ago was this where you end your story? Why did your family cut you off?

We're here for you, keep posting.

Turkish
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
NotAHero
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: In the recycling phase
Posts: 315


« Reply #3 on: May 23, 2022, 09:22:05 PM »

My ex-wife punched me, destroyed my personal property and threatened suicide throughout the marriage.
The marriage lasted 17 years.
It ended 6 years ago.
I was constantly walking on egg shells.
Her mood could swing from calm-to savage-to smiling/happy--all within a matter of minutes. It was bizarre and creepy.

The first time she punched me (square in my nose) was on the last day of our honeymoon.
The next day, on our flight home from Istanbul, I'd seriously considered having the marriage annulled.  I now regret not having done it.

BTW, she never hit me during our 2 years of courtship.
I didn't suspect she had such a violent side.  Although I did know she was insecure about her looks (but then again most women seemed to be, in my experience).  

Before the marriage I once caught her snooping on my computer and reading my personal journals.  That should have been a sign of a deeply disturbed person who could not be trusted...or was desperate to get one step ahead of their fear of abandonment.

She got pregnant in our 2nd year of marriage..which was quite lucky because it happened on our first attempt after she stopped birth control.  After our son was born the sex was infrequent.
I became disinterested in her sexually due to the violence.  
But I remained in the marriage because I cared about her welfare.  I sincerely thought I could help her.

When she was only 12 years old her father died in a car crash.  Her mother (a pompous and emotionally cruel woman) never remarried.  She raised her 4 kids comfortably in rural CT farmhouse on a schoolteacher's salary and her deceased husband's insurance reward.

Knowing that she grew up without a dad made me a surrogate father to her.  A role that I did not want.  However, as we grew together I did my best to assuage her needs for a mentor (she lacked many critical life skills) for instance, I taught her to drive after our son was born-- when she was 39.  

Over time the punches to my face came out of nowhere and were about 3-4 times per year.  Multiply that by 17 years.  
After our son was born, I asked her older brother for help.  I inquired if she'd ever been abused in her childhood.  He gave me the oddest stare and simply whispered "no" and then turned and walked away.
He was a lawyer at that time.  15 years later (after she filed for divorce) he was a superior court judge.  I will refer to him later in this thread.

On two separate occasions she punched me while I was driving our Jeep on a highway...with our infant son buckled in his car seat.
So, she had no regard for her own safety, let alone our son's or mine.
Every time she punched me, I controlled my impulse to retaliate.  Early on, I would grab my car keys and drive away for a few hours.
She would call me constantly leaving me 15 or 20 messages.  
When I'd return she would apologize profusely and say "it will never happen again".   That was a promise she could never keep.  And she repeated it after every incident.
I thought many times about leaving.  
I could not deal with her constant fear of abandonment issues.
But I wanted to stay for our son.

Over time it got so bad that I lost faith in myself.  
I got forced out of my job as an executive (partly because of my loss of attention at work...the humiliation at home was destroying me).

I took her to therapy but she quit...saying she didn't need it.
I continued with the counselor on my own who told me that my wife had BPD!   Apparently, my wife was diagnosed even before our marriage but pretended to me that she was fine.  The therapist get her some medication (I don't recall which one but it is also used for schizophrenia).   My wife would often "forget" to take it.   She was like that with her arrhythmia meds also...always forgetting...asking me to remind her.   I could not believe that an adult could not remember the important of taking daily meds...why was it MY responsibility?

Around 10 years into the marriage, I began an affair with a former girlfriend.  It was out of necessity.  But it didn't last long.  And I wanted my wife to find out about it.  I knew she snooped on my phone. So I left clues for her to figure it out...which she did.  This immediately set her off and the abuse went on, almost daily, for months.  
Our son (now a young teenager) became shell-shocked by the torment, screaming, etc.  

For a while I thought we were going to work it all out.  We took a marriage course together.  But I wanted her back in counseling to discuss the violence.  She refused.  

Eventually, she moved back home with her mother and left me and our son in VA (where we were living at that time).  My son and I had the best time without her.  Four months of peace and quiet.  

I was his year-round coach in all of his sports and in scouting. So we got to focus on our stuff with no fear of roundhouse punches or broken dishes.  

Eventually, I decided to move back to NJ  (where I had a condo to live in) and delivered him to his grandmother's home in CT for high school (the school system in CT was much better than the one in NJ).  I thought my mother-in-law would be supportive of me but she was unaware (or in denial about) her daughter's mental illness.   I was treated like an enemy combatant.  

Within 2 months my son stopped speaking to me.  (That was 6 years ago.   He is now in college and still won't respond to my letters.)

A few months after this she filed for a no-contest divorce against me.
I had not funds to hire a lawyer so I did it.  But before this I emailed her  brother (the lawyer who I'd approached 15 years earlier about her violent behavior).      He is now a superior court judge.   I reminded him of our conversation and confronted him about something I'd learn from my wife over the years since.  She had eventually confessed to me that she WAS INDEED sexually abused by someone in her youth.  It was none other than her older brother.  Yes, the very same brother who was now a judge.  I told him in my email that he was not fit to be a judge and should recuse himself immediately.   His only reply to me was a "Cease & Desist" letter.   Meanwhile, I cc'd his other siblings and an uncle of his (also a lawyer).  So his secret was now in the open.

Not sure how to cope with this pain any longer. I have suppressed it for years.  No-one seems to believe my story of spousal abuse by my wife.  My son won't speak to me.  My own relatives avoid me.  It is a lonely place to be.  Totally misunderstood.  An outcast.  My heartache has now led to actual heart problems.  I have been diagnosed with PVCs and had an ablation procedure a few weeks ago.  Need to have another.  My heart is literally broken.



 Welcome to the community.

 What you described does sound like BPD behavior and many other members here have gone through similar events.

 I think the first advice I would give you as someone who went through all of the above is to work toward accepting that  it happened.  Wether or not you will ever be vindicated or believed is not what will solve the issues here.

 First things first focus on yourself, self care, health, solving your most immediate problems.

Second, you have a son, once you are in a better health and emotional state you can focus on winning him back if possible and if not he may come around later.

 What are your thoughts ?
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Battered_Husband
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2


« Reply #4 on: June 11, 2022, 06:18:59 PM »

Sinister & Turkish,

Thanks for reaching out.
I am glad I have found this site as a resource for assistance and validation. 

I have recently sent my son emails providing him with information about his mother's condition, but no response yet. 

I doubt he will get any support from his mother's family because they are all in denial about the history of abuse in their family.  But  hopefully my words will help him have a breakthrough on his own. 

He is now 21 and in college...not sure when/if he will ever come around.  But I have faith in the Lord and pray for my son every day.

My own family had a history of abuse.  My older brother and I were sexually abused by an older male cousin when we were both very young (7 & 6 years old, respectively).  It has given my brother lifelong PTSD which has gone untreated (he is now 61 years old).  He has been lashing out at me with sucker punches ever since he reached puberty.  He got arrested for sucker punching me at a public event  in front of dozens of people. He was 48 at that time.    It appears that he blames me, his younger brother, for what happened to us (molestation) when we were only kids.  To my knowledge he has never sought counseling on his own, although my father told me that (while in his early 40s) my brother also physically attacked a co-worker and was placed on leave from work and may have been ordered to get emotional counseling at that time.

After my dad died I lost my only ally within my family.  Dad knew my brother was nuts but he deigned to my mother's authority on these matters.  It eventually destroy his health too.

Since my separation, all 3 of my siblings have been especially cruel to me.  The eldest remains a physical menace and has ignored my multiple requests for counseling with a priest or therapist.    And our 2 younger siblings (6 and 12 years younger than me) support our mother's testimony that it was always just "sibling rivalry" between the two eldest boys.  Not true.  I'd confronted my parents about the molestation in counseling and mom admitted she'd known about it but never did anything to cure the situation.  So I am dealing with family denial in both my wife's family and my own.  A very lonely road.


My heart condition seems to be worsening.  I have a follow up with electrophysiology surgeon in 2 weeks.  Not looking forward to another catheter ablation but it must be addressed.  I need to be healthy so that I can't hope to meet my son again.

Thank you to all...

Battered


Battered...I just wanted to welcome you to the FAM here and let you know we are paying attention. We are always listening.  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I haven't had a chance to go through everything yet. Just doing a quick check in and saw you were a new member posting. I urge you to stick with us and use this place as a resource to help you heal. Here we all get it and understand.

Share as much as you need to, vent, ask questions, etc. In the meantime please be kind to YOU and take care of yourself. I will check in on you and tag my team in as well. In addition there are many members here who will have your back as well.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
Logged
WhatToDo47
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 465



« Reply #5 on: August 11, 2022, 07:56:42 PM »

Just coming across this now but hope you’re doing well. The abuse and its effects on us are real. Even if those around you don’t understand, those here do! How are you these days?
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