Does it Ever just Wear on you

[todayistheday]

I am the one who posted two posts last week about my h-BPD (see sig) Mom.

I called both her and Dad yesterday at different times.

She only talked to me about 15 minutes and I did most of the talking.  Have not talked to her since Mothers day.  She usually calls me at least once a week and talks for an hour or more.  She was saying "nothing's going on", etc.  Called Dad's cell last night and he talked over an hour.  She's still being mean to him.  He unloads his frustrations to me.  I really don't like being part of the triangle. There is nothing that I can do anyway and he needs someone to talk to.  So I try to let him talk and not listen.  It makes me so sad.  They're both in their 80s.  He's afraid of her.  He has health issues that he's not attending to because she (a) does not believe him and (b) doesn't want him to.

Talked to sister today -- who lives next door to them.  Growing up, sister was golden and I was scapegoat.  She does know the basics of the situation.  She calls me when things get bad to inform me or even to try to get me to go referee.  Some of the things I told her today, she did not know.    She thinks that they are both depressed because they know that at their age, they're approaching end of life. And that for some reason Mom's depressed because one of the grandsons is moving away and also Mom doesn't approve of that grandson's girlfriend. 

Mom tells sister, me, and Dad different things.  We do not know if any is the truth.  I'm usually the one to expose to my sister that Mom is telling us all different stuff.  Dad does not talk to sister.  Sister refuses to listen.  She says that he had plenty of chances to divorce her so he's living his choice.

Also, sister is getting ready to take a week long vacation with all of her family -- she, her husband and her adult sons.  She told me that I shouldn't leave the state while they are gone because Mom got sick when last time she was gone.   Not that it matter if sister is there because she always has a reason that she cannot help when they get sick and calls me in.

I've been to counseling.  There's not much else that they can do.  The situation is what it is.  I just get tired of my family being more abnormal than most.  I know that there is no normal.  However, when there is one family member like this, it makes it hard.  And the fact that she lives where all of the rest of the family is and becomes a family gatekeeper makes it impossible for to go LC with her. 

Can anybody relate?  Any other ideas? 
Sigh...

[Riv3rW0lf]

Some days, like most people, everything wears on me.

My family of origin.

My mother, even though we are not in contact right now.

My husband, who's traumas complement mine so well, that we are stuck in a perpetual mode of business partnership with no real intimacy, which keeps me reliving my loneliness over and over again with him.

My children, whom I love so very much and feel guilty I brought them to this burning world. I keep trying to convince myself that it is worth it, that their future is bright, but I am anxious for them and I just can't quite believe myself yet.

The fact that I have to assert myself for simple things that should go without saying. I am exhausted of people. People pushing boundaries. They are deaf and blind, and they go through life constantly pushing others over and I am exhausted of having to constantly defend myself, but the alternative would just be worst.

Above all, the fact that I have to constantly fight myself because of habits I developped due to a mother who did not love me and a father who just didn't care enough. The fact that I am now responsible for this mess I feel I became. The fact that my outer life is in perfect order, but that I feel so terribly empty, robbed, that I cannot even enjoy it.

Yes, sometimes I am also worn out.

But then I remember tomorrow... And I know it will be a little bit better, because I am embracing the responsibility I have toward myself and toward my children. Because in the end, I love the feeling of the warm summer wind on my face. I love the sound of the rain coupled with the sound of my children laughing. I love the smell of the lilac trees in full bloom. I love listening to Imagine Dragon and singing with my daughter at the top of our lungs. Because despite the worn, part of me still find life is worth it. With all its pain... It makes those little moments of peace almost transcending.

In the end, nothing truly matters. It helps me to remember it. How important we feel, yet how small we truly are. A tiny part of something much, much bigger than us. It helps to put things back in perspective.

[Notwendy]

Mom tells sister, me, and Dad different things.  We do not know if any is the truth.  I'm usually the one to expose to my sister that Mom is telling us all different stuff.  Dad does not talk to sister.  Sister refuses to listen.  She says that he had plenty of chances to divorce her so he's living his choice.

My BPD mother as well. We (siblings) cross check what she tells us so we each know what she has told the other.

Your sister lives next door to them, so she seems to have some boundaries with this- not listening to your father vent, not being available to them all the time. While it is understandably frustrating for you if she seems to be leaving some responsibilities to you, I wonder if she had to have these boundaries- because living next door to them could require boundaries.

I don't live that close to BPD mother and the distance helps as a boundary. I don't live close enough to her to be available for her on a daily basis.

For your own well being- you can also decide on a boundary too. If sister calls you to help- you can also say you are not available at certain times. I think this is something you can work on with your counselor- how much availability you wish to be if they call you for something urgent and what other arrangements can be made if neither you or your sister are available.

I understand- not being able to have a reasonable discussion with parents feels crazy making. I went through similar situations when my father was ill. It was upsetting to see how BPD mother treated him through this, yet, as your sister has said, your father is in this long standing situation with your mother due to his own choices. I even called social services during this time to see if there was anything I could do- but he was legally competent to make his own choice.

I also think you need a boundary on listening to him vent. If he wants someone to talk to, he needs counseling. This is not your role and it is inappropriate for him to place you in this situation. My own situation had some similarities- so I understand the dynamics but when this happens, I think you feel you are being used. In a way, you are, because you are not being treated like a daughter, a person they care about but being used to maintain their relationship. Instead of venting to you, Dad should be dealing with his own marriage. While it's unlikely he would do that, it's not your responsibility to be the one he vents to.

I understand why you do this. It's contact with him and it's approval. It's a way to not be in scapegoat position. One warning is that, once I started to have boundaries with my parents- that is- stepping out of the role of rescuer, helper, the only other position was for them to align together and be angry at me. Consider this- your role to your parents is in relation to their relationship. If you have a boundary, then they may align together against you. This is not your fault. It's the dynamics between them.

You can't change these dynamics. They have existed between them probably since before you were born. Please take care of yourself. You can have boundaries- they may not like it but you can take care of you.

[Cait]

Just have to say, Notwendy, you gave some really good advice.

[Notwendy]

Hi Cait- thank you. I am drawing from my own experience dealing with my BPD mother, whose BPD behavior escalated during my father's illness which preceded his passing. I didn't understand BPD family and relationship dynamics at the time and had to learn about them. We are all here sharing what we have learned in order to hopefully help others.

[Methuen]

To answer the question of the thread, yes it constantly wears on me.  There is no respite unless I actually go off the grid or the continent.  Whenever I come back on the grid, she is always in a full blown crisis.  Her daily normal is crisis.  Any little thing sets her off to the wilder boundaries of her normal crisis state.  These are not the Hallmark mothers.

Mom tells sister, me, and Dad different things.  We do not know if any is the truth.  I'm usually the one to expose to my sister that Mom is telling us all different stuff.  Dad does not talk to sister.  Sister refuses to listen.  She says that he had plenty of chances to divorce her so he's living his choice.

 Yes there is crazy making drama going on here.  If it is overwhelming you, it might be time to set some quiet boundaries. 

She told me that I shouldn't leave the state while they are gone because Mom got sick when last time she was gone.

Wow, IMHO this crosses the line.  Sister cannot tell you when you can and can't travel, regardless of what is going on with parents.  If you need to leave the state, you go leave the state.  This reminds me of a conversation I had with my T about 7 years ago.  I was talking about how I could never leave or go anywhere at XMas with my family (including adult children), because it would mean leaving my mom on her own over Xmas.  My T challenged me on that.  At the time I didn't understand, and thought she must be terrible to suggest it would be ok for me to go away with my own family and leave my mom alone.  It took a long time of thinking about this for me to find my middle ground.  Since that time, I have learned I can go away when I need to go away, although I am always back on Christmas day to be present with mom.  Of course she pushes back hard and doesn't like me leaving, but I also need to have my own life and if that involves travelling with my own family when they have time off around Christmas, then I have learned it is ok to do that. 

As to your sister stating you can't go away because your mom gets sick if you are both away: of course your mom gets sick when you go out of state (especially if your sister is also gone). This is what happens and how they manipulate our emotions to serve their needs.  They don't want to be left alone, so they become unwell, and guilt us into staying.  My mother does this too.  It went beyond crazy making because she was controlling my life, and I was letting her and resenting it big time.  I had to resort to getting home care health workers involved.  Did she push back?  Yes.  BIG time.  But I had to set boundaries, or end up in the psych unit myself.

It is definitely ok for you to travel out of state if that is what you need to do.  

Take care of YOU.