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Author Topic: Feeling sad about my brother's life  (Read 424 times)
Cait

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 34


« on: May 23, 2022, 09:31:17 PM »

Hi everyone,

I have a younger brother (who will be 30 soon) who has been diagnosed with BPD. He's been to a live-in treatment facility and luckily has been able to get a handle on the most intense "house on fire" behavior (suicidal threats etc.) However, it's been almost a year since his treatment and even though he sees a therapist once a week, his quality of life is very low. He does not have a job, friends or much of a life at all - he says this in his own words. He stays in his room all day (at my parent's house, who enable him, but that is a different story) and mostly just complains about how miserable he is.

So much of my life has resolved around his emotional episodes, walking on eggshells to avoid a blow up, never making plans because of how he will react etc. I finally got help with therapy and see I need to live my life and accept the situation for what it is. For the most part, I have made progress on this and don't let his disorder dictate my actions. But now, as the dust has settled, I am left with this feeling of sadness about my brother's life. It is hard to watch a loved one suffer this way, and it's hard to watch them sabotage their life and there's nothing else I can do that I haven't already tried. I understand that the only person who can change his life is him, and it's hard to realize that he might not ever change his life. It's so hard to watch. It makes me worried about the future, about what will happen when my parents eventually pass away and what will become of my brother.

Thanks for listening.
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Riv3rW0lf
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Confidential
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Estranged; Complicated
Posts: 1247



« Reply #1 on: May 24, 2022, 05:32:08 AM »

Hi Cait,

I so very understand...

My brother is a diagnosed bipolar, born from the abuse we went through. He has lots of BPD fleas from our mother and he has been in flight mode for a very long time. He does not seek therapy and thinks it is just a scam... Last summer he almost went through with suicide (this is what he says anyhow, I don't know what to believe anymore). He ended up moving back home to be closer to family, and so he left his job.

Now he is drinking from the morning until night, he is a compulsive buyer, and of all the women he could have met, he chose the one that used to be in a relationship with his best friend, a guy who is an avid user and very violent, possessive and volatile. I don't believe this woman to be stable either. All this to say : he always seems to navigate toward the worst people, and make the worst decision for himself. He likes to flirt with death through high adrenaline sports, and he lies constantly.

He is not BPD, but I get the pain and worry you are experiencing for your sibling. At the same time... I have worked, for many years now, to detach myself from him. I just couldn't bear the fights anymore. He is not BPD, but he has lots of fleas, and he does use the silent treatment and discard people easily. And I am not the nicest with him either. We are just so very different.

All this to say : I am grieving the brother I will never have now. I dreamt he would be something when he came back, someone different, someone healthy. But at his core, he is so very traumatized, he is not ready to confront his demons and in the end, might never be.

So I chose to detach myself.

Everytime he calls me, I feel uneasy. Our talks are draining, because he seeks constant approval for choices I do not approve of... But I cannot be honest, else I will be criticized and discarded. So I just listen and try to provide a non judgmental ear, which is incredibly difficult, because he is my brother. These days though, I think I am almost there... To a point where I don't mind anymore. It's not that I don't care, but I don't mind.

His life is not my life. And I think this grieving process, the idea that I had to "kill" the brother I will never have... It helped and it is still helping me.

I send a lot of love his way, but I do not seek to carry him anymore nor to show him the way. I have faith that something else out there is providing light for him, and am aware that he will have to pay attention and follow the path himself at some point. But I cannot show it to him, and it is not my responsibility to do so. And to be fair, any attempt I make to help him results in a big backlash every time. So I remain an observer and am rooting for him.

I don't have much advice... Just wanted to extend some support your way... You are not alone.
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livednlearned
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #2 on: May 26, 2022, 02:53:55 PM »

He does not have a job, friends or much of a life at all - he says this in his own words. He stays in his room all day (at my parent's house, who enable him, but that is a different story) and mostly just complains about how miserable he is.

This sounds like my brother when he was younger, and your parents sound like mine, at least until my brother turned 26.

uBPD brother became violent with my mom and that was a catalyst to get him out of the house with a lot of financial help, including paying off his debts and buying him a house. Apparently having BPD was lucrative in my family.

I agree with you that only your brother can change himself -- he is ultimately accountable for himself, no matter how much he avoids this responsibility. However, like you imply, your parents have no small role to play here. You might also have one, too, though it might not seem clear.

I was the weakest person in the family system, but I see now that changing my script did have an impact, although I may be overstating my contribution since other factors were also in play.

After one holiday visit that ended in violence, I stopped visiting my family even though I lived 30 min away. I finally had an epiphany that my childhood home wasn't safe, probably never would be, and the only person who seemed to care was me. So I said I wasn't coming over for Christmas and it rocked my parents. 

I'm still not sure how being beaten was ok but saying no to it wasn't.

This choice create a violence vacuum for my brother who, having no one to beat up, attacked my mom. I guess it was ok to be violent toward me but not her, because suddenly my parents were motivated to get uBPD brother out of the house. When I chose to protect myself it was met with outrage but hitting a mother mobilized the Great Relocation of uBPD to an apartment.

Like other covertly narcissistic families, the violence was kept quiet and alluded to but never discussed, and managed internally.

Decades later, I read Harriet Lerner's Dance with Anger among other books she has written about family systems and triangulation, and realized that I had been functioning in a role designed to stabilize unhealthy family patterns. The problem is that the refusal to participate in a dysfunctional dynamic truly can cast you out of the family in more ways than one.

It's interesting to hear that your family seemed to mobilize when your brother became violent -- towards himself, if only the threat of it (suicidal ideation).

My parents used to be very protective of my brother, and then I stopped asking questions. If they brought him up I listened but usually changed the topic. Oddly, this led to them discussing his issues much more openly and they began expressing their anxieties and fears about him. The less I say, the more they share.

Like you, I don't see things changing. They are too enmeshed and this is probably as good as it will get. Despite my brother refusing to visit my mom in the hospital and dysregulating in dramatic ways over the death of family members and pets, my parents made my brother health care power of attorney and executor of their will. My mom has expressed worry about having uBPD brother be in charge of her if my dad goes first, and I simply listen. There is no point in stating the obvious because
that simply reprises my old role. She is an adult child looking to be rescued and the best way to empower her is to not participate in the game.

It's very sad, and I do feel grief although less so as I process things. It has made me think very deeply about what it means to be a family and how to put my own in perspective. Sometimes I think the most impactful thing I can do in my family is simply be a mirror and hope they decide to take a look.
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