I’m honestly just going through it. I don’t know if there’s help or advice for me at this point, because I’ve already made the choices and committed to them. But I finally signed up for these forums because I want to read other peoples’ experiences and try to validate that I’ve made the right call.
Brief background on what I know so far: I have a really good therapist who also has a family member with bpd, and she’s been helping me figure out my strategies and reactions, and she referred me to ‘Essebtial Family Guide to BPD’, which I read cover to cover. It was validating because I was already instinctively doing a lot of those strategies like gray rock, delay and distract, and controlling my own reactions and body language.
I am the older sister, 32, and they are my non-binary younger sibling, 30. They went into crisis and left their living situation in December of 2019, and I decided to jump in and get us a place together so they’d have a safe place to get back on their feet.
I’m sure you can guess a lot of the rest. Living together made me realize that they had BPD. A lot of their behaviors were infuriating and inexplicable, and when I told my therapist about it, she suggested BPD, and everything suddenly clicked. The more I learned the more validated I felt, and then the bleaker it all sounded.
That’s where I’m at now. There’s only two months left on our lease, and I can’t wait to be separated again. My sibling has told me about a long list of diagnoses they think they have (and I’m very skeptical because of both the sheer number of them, and how some of them seem to contradict), but they’ve mentioned both bpd and narcissism, so I’m not sure which is is, or even both. I’m just not sure on any of it, and I guess it doesn’t really matter. But bpd rings true with a lot of my experiences with them, so that’s the one I’m researching the most.
But it’s all just so unfair. I think I’m an incredibly patient and empathetic person. I’ve been so GOOD. I keep doing everything I’m supposed to do. Listening empathetically, respecting their needs and boundaries, validating them, treating their symptoms and experience with compassion, and knowing that the mood swings aren’t about me.
But I can’t get past the splitting. I can’t just ignore it. And of course they still split. They have BPD! But even so, even knowing it’s not about me, it doesn’t change that I have to deal with it, and how they MAKE it about me.
This time was just too much. It’s so bad that right now, they are telling me I’m toxic, I’m emotionally abusing them, my behavior needs to change, I’m lying, I’m invalidating them, I’m treating them like
PLEASE READ. The actual offense? When they knocked over my expensive tub of skincare onto the floor and I find the bathroom floor covered in sticky honey goo, I walked out and told them in a very level volume and tone “hey. You took my stuff out from under the sink for the inspection, which is great. But then you didn’t put it back, and now I just found my tub of skincare ripped over and the floor is basically covered in honey and I got it on my clothes. I’m super frustrated and just don’t want yo have to deal with it’.
When they started splitting and told me why they were upset, they sent me this text:
“Just because you don’t remember it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen and it doesn’t mean my feelings weren’t and still aren’t being validated.
You took on a disposition that was frightening. You used a frustrated tone of voice and scowled at me. “
That’s it. I scowled at them, and I sounded frustrated. And now this has escalated and gone on for two days and many walls of text.
I decided this time I’d had enough. I can’t agree to their terms and agree that this was wrong. If I agree to this and ‘promise to change’, I feel like I’m condoning this level of controlling behavior and manipulation. I can’t live with them if they’re ‘holding me accountable for abuse’ at the slightest show of emotion on my face. I’m doing everything I can to control myself. I can’t do any more than this. The amount of self control I’ve exerted so far has already taken a huge toll on me. I’m at my wit’s end.
I decided this set boundaries, so I laid out ‘terms of engagement’ for me to be willing to engage with them at all. I told them all this:
“You definitely don’t have to talk to me. You are allowed to set that boundary or take as much space as you need. Also ‘I’m going radio silent’ does not mean that you’re asking me to stop talking to or contacting you, which is why I’m still finishing my thoughts here.
But what you’re doing here is projecting a lot of things onto me that are unfair. You’re telling me what I think and feel. And you’re telling me that I’m not allowed to have or express emotions, not only to you, but even around you. I’m not okay with that. If you aren’t able to allow me to feel my own feelings or give me the compassion and space to be upset about things, then all I can do is back off. I make a conscious effort to not aim my emotions at you. And to only communicate what I think needs to be communicated to you if I am upset. I try really hard to not express anger AT you. But you are telling me that that is still not enough. That I am not allowed to even look upset. What you are doing here is not boundaries. You’re telling me what -I- have to do. And I’m not okay with that either. I will happily respect as much space and time as you need along with any other boundaries you set, and we can negotiate having these conversations in a healthy way and in good faith. But I am not okay with you invalidating my emotions either. Telling me that I’m not allowed to be upset, period, is not okay. And you also do exactly the same thing in the same ways. You sound upset or angry in your tone and body language when you are upset or angry. That is a human thing. It is not something that I would expect you to be able to completely turn off, and I do not think it is reasonable or okay to ask of me either.
If you continue to blame me, project motives and thoughts onto me, and try to control me by telling me what I am not allowed to think or feel, I will step away from these conversations and give us more time to cool down and come back to them. I will happily have this conversation with you when we can both do so in good faith.”
And then when they acted like that hadn’t happened and asked to ‘schedule a time to talk’ the next morning, I sent this:
“Hi. I have enough going on with my work schedule that I’ll need more time before I’ll have the spoons and availability to discuss this. I might be able to talk Friday if I work from home, but I might need to wait until after you come back from this weekend. I can let you know what is going on for me by Friday afternoon.
Also, I think it would be helpful to do some preparation before we sit down together and talk.
I see a lot of our communication becoming muddy, because I think we have different understandings of terms and tools, and I would like us to clarify and agree upon our definitions of words and our terms of engagement before we go forward.
Here are my terms of engagement: I am going to regularly ask you to define things for me, to describe what you mean, and to unpack your thoughts for me. This is for me to better understand where you are coming from, but also to make sure we both mean the same thing when we refer to something. I might also pull up external resources for both of us to defer to, or you can do so with your preferred sources. Definitions of terms, tools used in dbt and other kinds of therapy, etc. This is to keep us coming back to neutral and healthy forms of communication.
I am willing to talk out any and every thing you want to address with me, and I will not avoid or drop any of the topics you want to address.
However, I am only willing to engage in constructive, nonviolent communication where we are using the terms and tools appropriately. If I feel like I am being manipulated, I will name the problem, I might disengage from the conversation completely if I think it’s necessary, and I will give you a resource outside myself to address the problem, or give you time to consult your own resources, therapist, friends, etc. Then I will give you as much time as you need to process, and welcome you to come back to me and try again when you can communicate to me without using those problematic tactics. And however long it takes, we can write down topics to come back to or table, but I will still happily come back to them.
This is how I am willing to continue to engage with you. You are of course welcome to set your own boundaries, but this is what I need. Calm, healthy communication with clarity and shared language.
Please do not approach me or reach out to me to discuss other topics right now unless they are time sensitive/necessary and household related. Feel free to ask me any clarifying questions you have or respond directly to these terms.”
I realize now that I’ve drawn a hard line. I don’t know if I did a good job. But I don’t think I’m willing to budge on these boundaries period, and it might end our relationship. I dunno.
