Total block/ignored/won’t return things

[wonderingwhy30]

Hey guys
I’ve really appreciated reading all the posts on this website, it’s helped a lot. I’m hoping for some direct feedback to help me pull through this difficult situation with my bpd exgf.

I’ll skip most of the preamble. Started out heavy and felt like the love of my life. Infatuated with each other. It seemed with both had the same dreams/goals. Total love. I know now this is likely was just mirroring despite how authentic it felt. This lasted about 3 months.

Then of course, the inevitable. Distancing, complete change in affection. Tone of messages was different(no more hearts, good morning xoxo  etc) I was pretty hurt and confused, but I knew nothing of BPD at the time . I did know she had childhood trauma and was dealing with depression, though. Nonetheless I was hurt and confronted her about it. She said it was her depression and needed space.

Well then things got a bit better. Seemed it was back to normal. Out of the blue, I get a text that we are done and she proceeded to remove all traces of us on social media. I took this hard regretfully, did the whole begging pathetic attempts for a few days and then stopped.

She then messaged me a few times with small comments, not really requiring a reply so I didn’t. Finally after a week or so, she wanted to come over and we got back together. About a week after that became more ghosting/ignoring. And yes another breakup. A few days after the breakup I was back at her house where there was plenty of evidence of her cheating but I won’t get into it.

So I called her out on the dishonesty, and she immediately said stop talking to her. I told her this is an unacceptable way to treat a relationship with kids involved(who have become attached to each of us respectfully). She immediately blocked my number.

So I chewed on this a while. Lost in the panic. I booked an appt with a therapist I’ve used from the past, and we discussed everything and it was pretty clear that this was severe BPD although without being my therapists patient, it isn’t certain. The behaviours all add up.

A week goes by. I emailed her saying, in a nut shell, I’m really sorry I didn’t understand what you were going through, but I know now there’s nothing I can do. I said I cherished our time together, but I needed to let go. I thanked her for allowing me to experience real true love, and that there are absolutely no hard feelings. I also offered an contact free way to collect each other’s belonging.

Almost immediately after that was sent, she and her entire family blocked me on Facebook(except her mom) and we have not spoken a word since. I wrote a follow up letter offering a few contact free ways to exchange items. No reply.

I’m at a loss guys. I’m trying to move on and detach, but I’ve also come to be very compassionate to people with BPD.  The items she has of mine of very sedimental, and she has considerable value in her items at my place.

What do you make of this? Why did she get so angry as to instruct her family to block me when all I did was accept what she wanted (break up) and offer kind words on leaving on a positive note. Why won’t she return my things/accept hers back?

The weirdest thing is we never ever fought. Never raised a voice not a single name was called. We had very deep conversations. Lots of fun together.I was a father figure to her baby, helped with all baby duties, loved and cared for my gf. I can’t think of anything negative I did except for act desperate on the first break up, and call her out for her callus departure from my kids life.

Any and all input is super appreciated. Thanks so much for reading

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

You still can communicate with her mother? If so, why not reiterate that she has items of value at your place and you’d like to bring them to her and pick up the things that are meaningful to you that are at her house?

[wonderingwhy30]

You still can communicate with her mother? If so, why not reiterate that she has items of value at your place and you’d like to bring them to her and pick up the things that are meaningful to you that are at her house?

I hate to involve family in this drama but yes that is an excellent idea. Wish me luck! Huge step in the healing process if I can finally get rid of her stuff and get mine back. Zero loose ends

Thank you for the reply

[wonderingwhy30]

I’m still at such a loss friends. Why would someone be so triggered when I accept what they asked for? It’s such a weird feeling. I get bpd and what it means but you think giving them what they wanted would slightly elevate you in their minds.

[Anonymous1847]

This sounds very familiar to me. I had the same exact experience, except I had two kids with mine. Her family all blocked you because she undoubtedly smeared your name to them in the worst ways possible. From my own experience, I did everything possible to make mine happy, and tried my hardest to treat her like a princess. Meanwhile her family acts like I am the most abusive horrible a**hole they have ever encountered (Hmm wonder why). My advice to you is count your blessings that you never had kids with her, and walk away from this knowing you got out while the getting was good.

[wonderingwhy30]

This sounds very familiar to me. I had the same exact experience, except I had two kids with mine. Her family all blocked you because she undoubtedly smeared your name to them in the worst ways possible. From my own experience, I did everything possible to make mine happy, and tried my hardest to treat her like a princess. Meanwhile her family acts like I am the most abusive horrible a**hole they have ever encountered (Hmm wonder why). My advice to you is count your blessings that you never had kids with her, and walk away from this knowing you got out while the getting was good.

Thank you so much for the advice. I can only imagine what kids would involve with someone like this. I hope you’re doing ok with that and getting proper access to them. I saw the way mine treated the father of her child and it was horrific….but she also smeared his name to make sure I knew he was the bad guy. What an utter mind numbing, surreal experience.

[Anonymous1847]

Yeah, ironically the guy prior to you, the kid's father may have been a nice guy. The way they smear our names is like the way a toddler has a tantrum with no thought of future repercussions.

[wonderingwhy30]

Yeah, ironically the guy prior to you, the kid's father may have been a nice guy. The way they smear our names is like the way a toddler has a tantrum with no thought of future repercussions.

Honestly, I had that gut feeling the whole time. The few times
I had met him, he was a decent person. And her behaviour towards him in my presence didn’t match the behaviour/hatred she talked when he wasn’t around. It really is a sad illness but unfortunately it is not victimless. I’m pretty sure he is her new supply…soon as she found out he had a new gf it was on her mind all the time. I could just see the gears spinning in her head.  Poor guy is likely oblivious she will just destroy him and cost him the relationship he was starting with a new, likely stable girl.

[Anonymous1847]

Yeah they blow up things. They have zero empathy for the pain they cause others. If she has split and left you, just hope she doesn't return. They usually do, and when they do we will be stupid enough sometimes (because of sex) to allow them back in. Don't do it. Find someone else that isn't mentally ill.

[wonderingwhy30]

Yeah they blow up things. They have zero empathy for the pain they cause others. If she has split and left you, just hope she doesn't return. They usually do, and when they do we will be stupid enough sometimes (because of sex) to allow them back in. Don't do it. Find someone else that isn't mentally ill.

Yeah that’s what I’m afraid of, because when it was going good it was great. But knowing her true colours makes it impossible to see her in the same light unless she’s in therapy and working hard on herself. Doubtful. I kind of just connected the dots there about her not returning stuff/taking hers. She’ll be back but I’ll be prepared. Going through that was hell on earth mentally, wouldn’t wish it on anyone.  Thanks again for your advice and wisdom!

[orderline]

What I can add here is be prepared for being contacted out of the blue about trivial things.

If you miss what you had and she shows sign of "recovery", you will not want to bring up the problems you just had. You will be lured to have another turn of anything from her just being validated to starting something new.

To prevent this play from repeating it is like you have to commit to a policy of how to be based on the quality of your relationship. That she has been "underperforming" and that a sudden transformation for the better is not only unlikely, but an illusion. If anything looks better the policy is to keep in mind the failure as you would with a strange mechanical noise in a car engine that healed itself.

A great way to tune down a failed BPD relationship and become less vulnerable is to become intentionally useless. Observant to recurring entanglement.

As the BPD has strong urges that blocks out other important feelings it is handicapping to have fantastic relationships where some aspect is completely missing.

Subjects may be so sensitive they can not be touched. You may be validated for listening to her and punished when looking away or mentioning how you feel or what you appreciate.

It is all fun when it is fun, but if the car can only turn left have one window painted black, the journey is not the same.

Take a serious look at the performance sofar and make a serious list. Be honest like it was about inspecting a shiny car.

[wonderingwhy30]

What I can add here is be prepared for being contacted out of the blue about trivial things.

If you miss what you had and she shows sign of "recovery", you will not want to bring up the problems you just had. You will be lured to have another turn of anything from her just being validated to starting something new.

Take a serious look at the performance sofar and make a serious list. Be honest like it was about inspecting a shiny car.

Wow that is some awesome perspective, thank you!  A few points of confusion. The contacting out of the blue. She’s blocked me everywhere. Even doing what another commenter suggested, messaging her mom for my things, was opened and left on read. So I’m confused af to what is actually going on.  What is your opinion of this type of behaviour ? I’ve never ever encountered anything like this. Not even from stories from a friend. I should add it’s been about 3 weeks since I heard from her in any way, shape or form. Mind you I did get a wrong number text, and it was eerily similar to the way she talks. It went from a wrong number to “bye, I have to go take care of my daughter. It was nice talking to you today” and I said yes you too! And she then said “I don’t have to talk to someone who insults me, stop”. When there was no insulting it was just a wrong number text. That had my head spinning a bit. God damn what a ride


I started making a list of pros/cons, who made the efforts and who caused conflict. It’s a pretty sad reflection of the type of person I fell in love with. That’s something I really have  to look inward to understand why.