Keeping it in the family.

[wantyousafe]

So:
I think that it's been two years since my last moan.
To recap,I am the youngest of four sisters of parents that should never have married: things weren't Johnny Depp level, it was just unhappy and siblings took sides
There's quite a big age gap between us.
My eldest sister seems pretty normal but her daughter is one of life's "victims": nothing is ever her fault!
The next sister is schizophrenic and tried to commit suicide as a teenager: her daughter has so many auto-immune problems and hasn't worked for decades, her estranged brother coped but seems lost.
The sister closest to me is the one I've written about, I think she is undiagnosed BPD, another "victim" with selective memory , I lost touch with her for a couple of years after she flipped and tried to get her partner jailed for DV (Johnny and Amber have got me hooked!).I've recently visited her and everything was ok (apart from her hyperactivity and edginess) until she started telling me that she's had counselling for ptsd and it awoke her childhood and the counsellor agreed that she's been abused...after six f'ing sessions!She's 67 and I'm 61 and our parents are long gone and can't defend themselves.At least she's working and is getting too old to rope another sucker in.
Her daughter is my other moan: the Apple hasn't fallen far from the tree, although she'd hate to be compared to her mom. She keeps losing jobs, but it's never her fault.She has no savings and comes back to me repeatedly for a sub and I've given it to her in the past because of the rest of what she'd do, homelessness and her reminding me of her PLEASE READty past with my sister. Last year I "kept" her for three months, I encouraged her to seek help for her debts, helped her budget until she got a job. She's lost that job and is back for more, she is still spending more than she earns, has saved nothing, paid no debts off and probably incurred more.
But, good news, her employer got her into free counselling so that she can take up all the coals about her past.She lies to me repeatedly to get that check out of me and I've told her that this time I'm done and I mean it: she can hit rock bottom while she's young enough to recover.
Do these counsellors ever do any good because all they seem to have done for my sister and niece is help them justify their bad behaviour. I'd like to slap them.
Rant over.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Before it gets better, it often has to get worst.

Please, don't take this the wrong way, but part of your post feels reactive... Why don't you think it possible that your sister was abused?

Abuse is not always sexual or physical, emotional abuse of children is just as real, and just as damaging as the others. BPD is often made worst by abuse, and while abuse does not equal BPD, and BPD does not equal abuse, they still often come together and are strongly correlated.

This reminds me of my brother's reaction when I decided to get help after a trauma got reactivated following a visit at my mother's house. He is still in denial about the abuse he went through. I am not saying you are wrong either. I have absolutely no idea what your family history is, who you are, who your sisters are, and what is your family dynamics... I just know that within ONE family, there are MANY truths. I personally prefer to give the benefice of the doubt whenever I can't know.

I can understand you not wanting to enable your niece anymore, this is completely reasonable and often needed to help someone finally take responsibility for themselves.

[wantyousafe]

Hi:
I'm just a bit upset at the moment because it's gone on for so long with my sister and my niece and watching the havoc they cause whilst destroying themselves is very hard.
I fully accept that the dynamic in my family was dysfunctional but I have no-one else to ask to corroborate what my sister says and my sister is not exactly what you'd call co-operative!
They've both had counselling before and all it seems to have done is re-enforce a sense of greivance without giving them the tools to move on.
We've all got out crosses to bear.I've always been the little peacemaker, the problem solver, the one who feels guilty for standing up to their delusions and walking on eggshells but I'm exhausted and fed up of waiting for the next crisis all the time.I just want to be left alone.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Have you considered going no contact with them? I know this is not an easy decision to make. If you have considered it, is something keeping you from taking the final step?

As for therapists... They are not all equal. But then, not all patients are equal neither. A therapist cannot do anything for their patients, they are not saviors, they provide guidance and safety, and tools of course, but as long as a patient is not willing to truly heal themselves, things won't change.

I understand your anger... The question then becomes : what can you do to feel better and lessen the ruminating? The anger?

[wantyousafe]

Thanks for coming back!
My niece usually contacts me by email.It's developed into a little dance: she's lost her job and needs help til the next one, she'll pay me back and the dance starts again..the lies, the dog stories, the anger, the promises that this time it will be better.
I've cut the dance short this time with a token check and told my husband to delete her emails as he sees them first. The next step might be an email from her husband, who tried to keep her in line financially but she's lied to him, too.That's got to be ignored too.I

What's stopped me before?

Pity because of her useless parents, because she genuinely has been distorted by them: but I've finally realised that it's not my burden, I wasn't there when stupid egg met stupid sperm!

Fear that she is going to lose everything: her husband will have had enough of her lies, she's got lots of debt, spends more than she's got coming in, even when she's working, fear she's going to be homeless if her landlord kicks her out: she's now a month behind on her share of the rent. I know all of this because I made her show me her bank statements for the last three months.It sounds harsh but I knew that she's lied to me about paying back her debts.She didn't want to do it because it exposed the truth but I want her to face the truth.The last straw for me was seeing payments to a credit card company, they looked like the minimum payment that you can do.Complete madness. I confronted her, she went mad at me (part of the dance) and I thought, no, not this time. I'm out!

I know that I can be a people pleaser but I'm trying to set boundaries and it's only with my family.I'm old enough now to be perfectly capable of saying no to other people and see how they can manipulate you.I've finally got my self-esteem with the rest of the world and I've got to do the same with family members. She's not moving into my spare bedroom, her Mom's got a couch and they can end up killing each other!

[Riv3rW0lf]

It is ok to be angry, it will help you keep your limits in place.

I am not sure what else I can add, other than to echo the fact that your only real responsibility is to yourself and the family you choose.

Sometimes, we want to help and we start forgetting ourselves in the process. I have a brother who struggle with finances also and I have a clear boundary, which is that I will never lend him money, no matter the mess he is in. He is old enough to take care of himself, or at least, he should be, and at some point, lending money to someone who has trouble managing it becomes enabling. I would refer him to someone else who can help him with finances, a professional of some sorts, but I would never get involved with his finances.

It is not your responsibility to carry the weight of their choices.

[wantyousafe]

Thanks again: the saddest part is that I do feel that I've enabled her and she is stuck in a "rinse and repeat"cycle.
Thanks for at least letting me get it off my chest and good luck for all of our futures!

[Riv3rW0lf]

Thanks again: the saddest part is that I do feel that I've enabled her and she is stuck in a "rinse and repeat"cycle.
Thanks for at least letting me get it off my chest and good luck for all of our futures!

Don't beat yourself up for it though ! It is good that you are recognizing the pattern, you are not stuck in it. But there is no point in regretting anything... You had good intentions, and it is ok to try to help someone. And it takes courage to recognize that our help is not helping anymore, and to stop.

We cannot save anyone. And at some point, the saving can become just another side of abuse when we are not careful (I am referring to the Karpman Triangle here). It takes courage to see that and to step back.