uBPD blocking access to dying parent - legal advice (UK)

[NeedHelpUK]

hello
first post, UK based - given the sensitivity of this post i may delete this thread at any point / expand it in time
my uBPD sister (48 yo) is blocking access to my dying parent (weeks to live)

she has turned him against me
he is also depressive and is fully dependent upon her for his care now as he is immobile
they are both blocking access to care packages
they have blocked all access to me
she has emotionally blackmailed him into giving her legal powers of attorney etc


my sister hates me and is using this to control me

whilst denying a dying man proper pain control 

i have flagged this with  the hospice which he said to me he wanted to die in 1 year ago when he had just been diagnosed and was in . they cannot do anything as they do not have his consent. i
i have flagged with district nurses
i have flagged with his gp

they say they cannot currently do anything as i have no legal powers (i am eldest son) and i have to escalate it with social services

Should i do this or should i call the police

** can the police legally help me get access?

i want to see my parent one last time before he dies - which could be in days or weeks. upbd sister made my last few visits so difficult and controlling i said angry and cruel words to her with my dad present which disgusted him. i want to rectify to him before his death as he is now turned against me with ubpd sister fuelling him

dying father depressive possible ubpd also

i will expand this thread as i can

i have nowhere else to turn



there is no other family or friends of the family to help

[NeedHelpUK]

i would say my father  has enabled his own neglect btw - he is now bedridden with curtains all drawn so noone can see in or out (my sisters doing)

[kells76]

Hello NHUK, welcome.

Your situation is really complicated. It's good that you reached out for support. pwBPD (people with BPD) or with BPD type traits often turn situations where the focus isn't on them, into drama that sucks the attention and interaction on to them. How sad and hurtful that your sister has crafted herself as "gatekeeper" -- receiving all the focus, attention, and interaction -- instead of allowing herself to take a backseat and let the focus be on your father. Honestly horrible.

Can I ask, is your dad in a hospital, at home, or in another setting? My guess is that the setting may have an impact on your ability to see him.

I hear that you've already considered whether family or friends are available to help, and that that is not an option. So, you seem to be left with -- social services, or police.

At least here in the US, I can think of 2 options that would help one determine whether the police can "escort you in". One is calling the non-emergency police line. You could briefly describe your situation -- perhaps frame it as a "well check" (how it would be described here) -- and they may be able to tell you either "Yes, the police will do that here" or "No, the police cannot legally escort you in".

The other option is there are free legal advice sites, like avvo.com (probably there is a UK version or similar), where you can anonymously post your situation and get feedback from lawyers/solicitors about what legal grounds you have.

I feel for you when I read that you want to make it right with your dad. That makes a lot of sense, and I just feel the urgency, too.

If you are comfortable with sharing more, do you have a therapist or counselor right now? Basically, when there's a pwPD (person with a personality disorder) in our lives, the more support and resources we have, the better. No pressure to post anything you are not comfortable with, of course.

We're here for you, too. Write back whenever is best for you;

kells76

[NeedHelpUK]

dear kells76 - thank you for your reply

v much appreciated

''Your situation is really complicated. It's good that you reached out for support. pwBPD (people with BPD) or with BPD type traits often turn situations where the focus isn't on them, into drama that sucks the attention and interaction on to them. How sad and hurtful that your sister has crafted herself as "gatekeeper" -- receiving all the focus, attention, and interaction -- instead of allowing herself to take a backseat and let the focus be on your father. Honestly horrible.'

this is exactly it

father in his house

sister changed all keys put gates on doors so noone can get in or out - without ubpd sister

within the last few years my mother passed away - and the same thing happend
sister blocked my access to her

once my father dies no more family. i will not contact my sister again except through lawyers - she will make my life more hellish re the probate (which i would have enacted fairly and in accordance with the will)

but all i care about at this moment is seeing my dad

however my dad is telling gp etc i am not to be contacted. i understand this as he is fully dependent upon her

trouble is she is clearly out of her depth -  but unwilling to acknowledge

my sister and father together create a world of bitterness and collude to keep all outside help - and mine - the last family member! - out

[NeedHelpUK]

not only is she ill but she is really nasty as well

unfortunately i said that - in much stronger terms and with anger unfortunately

i have played into her hands to create exactly the situation she wanted.

so my father believe her all the time as well now - that im after money (im not, never have been), that im evil (im not but im not perfect either by a long short)

all irrelevant as he is dying!

it is utter madness and not a reflection of what i attempting to do (see my dad and ensure his safety)

my partner and friend of my fathers for 30 years tell me to leave it alone now. she is exhausted by it. my father cannot even wish her happy 50th birthday as all access to him is blocked. my partner is made ill by this too

i tried to granite stone but i lost my temper . she had closed all curtains and my father hasnt seen daylight for months. i only had 45 mins with him (her 'allowed' time) she came in saw the curtains open - screamed at me - then i told her what i thought of her. the worst thing i could have done obviously

[GaGrl]

Does your county/city have an elder abuse function within its social services? That may be worth a phone call to report the current situation.

[NeedHelpUK]

hi thanks for the response

i called emergency services social services - they said nothing they could do

i need to call normal social services if i want to pursue it they said

both my sister and father will both deny elder abuse - which i dont think it technically is - its emotional manipulation. they are both mutually complicit

my father had a stoma fitted. i lived with him for 4 months post op. we had district nurse coming in once a week, a cleaner, a daily delivery of hot home cooked food,my 2 carers from the state coming in.

for 2 months post diagnosis my sister did not speak to him or allow him back in his own house (she has taken over the family home)

i had my last christmas meal with my father 2 days before christmas in a nice pub in his favourite countryside - he was walking - with difficulty obviously

bpd was granted full access to him at at any time but she was only coming round when i was not there ( i live 100 miles away)

father prefers my sister so i stepped back to

post xmas he voluntarily moved back into his own family house - which i thought would be good for him - his own home pet etc

within a week my sister had ensured he was bedridden and confined to a blackened room

this was always going to happen

'legally free to make bad decisions' - a phrase ive come across

but not at end of life he will not get adequate care plus he has been unnecessariluy turned against me

[Feeling Better]

Hi

Contact Adult Social Services and ask about Safeguarding.
Age Uk is a great resource, you can contact them directly or visit their website.

You say your sister has POA, does this cover health matters as well as financial matters? If financial only then definitely get Social Services involved.

So sorry this is happening to you and I understand that time is of the essence, Social Services are currently under pressure so be prepared that things might not go as quickly as you would like.

I understand what you are going through and I wish you lots of luck.

FB x

[Notwendy]

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I wish I had advice but I don't. I had to deal with something similar.

she has turned him against me

I called social services (US) because of the way my BPD mother was treating my father. They also said there was nothing they could do because he was legally in sound mind and so I could not intervene.

It was so hard, because I knew my father was short on time. I did see him before he died as he was in hospital but he wasn't conscious.

Visits were hard as they both were verbally cruel to me when I did visit. I think she told him untrue things about me.

Just do the best you can with the resources available if there is any possibility.

Knowing you tried can be a consolation.

[NeedHelpUK]

thank you all

whatever i do know feels like an 'agressive move' which will just further entrench both my sister and fathers in their positions

my father has no option but to do and think as my sister says - and i also believe he is now against me to the point of no return

my sister finally gets validation for her terrible behaviour over 50 years - i was the only one to point out it was wrong - now i am the aggressor

this is the highlight of her life making my mothers and fathers death about her

[Notwendy]

my father has no option but to do and think as my sister says - and i also believe he is now against me to the point of no return

my sister finally gets validation for her terrible behaviour over 50 years - i was the only one to point out it was wrong - now i am the aggressor

I am so sorry. My BPD mother painted me black to my father and her family during the last part of his life.

I really did love him, but I think she succeeded.

I was very attached to him. He was not a perfect person but he was the only parent who acted like a parent to me. Dads are heroes to their girls. It didn't matter how old I was, I still saw him as my daddy.

A child of any age is not a relationship to discard. Your father can't help it. He's dependent on your sister and my father probably had no other choice than to do what my mother told him.

My main source of solace was faith based, and I think it can mean any belief system. Your truth. I believe truth prevails somehow and that there's a higher judge than me who sees it all.

You know how you feel about your father, even if he can't perceive it at the moment. Be true to yourself. Your sister can't change that.

[NeedHelpUK]

thank you all for your insight and sharing expriences

even if i call police or social services the dilemma is this will make it worse for him once the police etc have left

i will continue to post maybe

my moral is very low and ability to action anything now is debateable

she moved back into the family house 20 years ago just as my parents retired - for years she just ignored my dad - sulking in her room

im afraid my family enabled this and have created a monster

unfortunately over the years ive called her out on her behaviour - and not in very pleasant teams too

noone else did

the family motto was 'dont upset your sister' - even when she blocked off all contact with our grandad (who worshipped her) and didnt attend his funeral, growled at girlfriends mother, screamed at my girlfriend - i got tired of it and unfortunately lashed back verbally at her - which justifes her perception

now i know more about bpd this was obviously the wrong move on all levels

[NeedHelpUK]

the more i ask for access to him the more it will be blocked

even though she hates me (which is fine in terms of her reality - i understand that from her point of view) it sickens me that she is so selfish to block all access and proper care to a dying 80 year old

it is as if we are re doing the arguments we had as children/ teenagers (i left home as soon as i could at 18)

shes resented me for everything - me going to college, getting a decent job, having relationship whilst she just sulked through her adult life . i tried throughout her adult life to help - got her a intern at a top company and me and the girlfriend offered to pay her bills and accomodation for a year (she declined), etc - but now i have nothing positive to offer her - in a few weeks there will be noone left who cares about her - tragic but her own doing - no one elses (well maybe my parents enabling her to live rent free not to any housework)

since my mother and father got ill she has become a 'martyr carer' - 'caring' in the loosest sense of the word - providing (minimal) physical care whilst neglecting them the opportunity for support from outside and myslef

once he is dead there will be noone left for her to play her mind games with - i'll be long gone sadly

so even though she is ill i cant help her - and im kinda past caring about that

/ rant over - for now

[NeedHelpUK]

im using this as free therapy btw ! i know its bitter and horrible but

i tried going to a walk in support centre two days ago - they provide free therapy in 6 months - too late then and ive lost the will know to try elsewhere - and i dont have the energy (or desire to reexplain myself to a therapist - ive had some poor therapist experiences in the past - to treat my anxiety - and yes i recognise i too possible (much lower level) bpd which i work on - and have to keep an eye on my finance)

[NeedHelpUK]

also my dad has been poor in his character too throughout his adulthood - not taking responsibility, bitter, wanting to live and die at the same time

when my dad and sister get together it really is something to behold - bitter, self serving - i can at least see where she (and to a lesser extent myself as i force myself to work on it) gets it from

ive always tried to appeal to the better half (and mine) of his personality which he has

[Notwendy]

I got tired of it and unfortunately lashed back verbally at her - which justifes her perception

Me too. The rule in our home was don't upset mother. We all had to do her bidding. I complied because I didn't want Dad to be angry at me, and it was his rule too. I also left home as soon as I could.

Dad was near the end and BPD mother was acting to everyone as if she was his dedicated caregiver but I was upset with what was really happening.

I was also upset about Dad's condition, and so, for the first time I think ever, I screamed at her like that, really screamed at her over the phone. That was it for her.

She disowned me, then later "reowned" me. I have remained in some contact with her mostly due to her age. It didn't feel right to me to be the one to stop contact with her being elderly. However, your sister is not in the same situation. I think if my mother were younger, neither of us would be in contact with each other. I keep an emotional distance from her.

It's different with your sister.

once he is dead there will be noone left for her to play her mind games with

She'll interact with others the same way. I have observed my mother's interactions with her caretakers. She has been very difficult for them to work with. But whatever your sister does won't be your concern. It doesn't have to be with you.

It's hard to lose a parent. Please take care of yourself.





That was it for her.  

[NeedHelpUK]

my sister has been given probate by my dad

i fully expect her to make my life unnecesarily a legal hell for next few years.

i dont even expect her to ennact the probate / will in good time and order - anything to prolong the misery

[NeedHelpUK]

thank you all for comments so far

its only coming across this site a few months ago that has helped me understand a bit what may be going on - so well done to the site runners etc

understanding everything right at the end game

[NeedHelpUK]

i can literally feel her need for love and acceptance yet she has acted

like its a test - as it was with my dad - i will push you away and if you go away it proves you do not love me

its really sad - like shes a lost child in an adult body

but she creates this reality - every olive branch and appeal has been knocked back - every situation has been misunderstood. it is her way or no way

but her way is just plain wrong

what a terrible disorder to have - and to inflict on everyone else

[NeedHelpUK]

she and my father both over rode my mothers Do Not Resuscitate when she died

i saw it with my own eyes - keeping her alive in pain an extra day or 2 against dying mothers wishes

i was the only person to stand against them - sister manipulated doctors who caved into her

it did not work or help

selfishness to the point of no return i have seen over the last few years from them

[NeedHelpUK]

what a few years people!

[Methuen]

i can literally feel her need for love and acceptance yet she has acted like its a test - as it was with my dad - i will push you away and if you go away it proves you do not love me

This is it in a nutshell.  You've put your finger right on the pulse. 

I am sensing that you have done what you can over the years, with the right intentions. 

Your dad made choices, and this is the consequence.  It is not your fault it is ending this way.  Hang on to that.

Take care of yourself.   Do not beat yourself up.  It won't help anyone, or change anything.  Instead, practice being kind to yourself.   

[Notwendy]

I understand the shock of seeing this situation. I didn't think my BPD mother would sink so low, but she did. I wondered if the illusion of family was really my illusion and that I was now seeing things that I didn't notice before.

I hope the probate doesn't entangle you for long.

As Methuen said- please take care of yourself.

Today I read Johnny Depp's response to the verdict. At the end, he said:

Veritas numquam perit.

Truth never perishes.

[yamada]

Hi
My sister did this to me regarding my father and he died not at home as my sister promised him, but far away from my mother alone in a room in a nursing home...Money has always been used for power and control in my family and my father always put himself first when it came to conflict..he would simply give in to my sister..And therefore made her the favourite..She managed to get guardianship and power of attorney and my father knew that she is rubbish with money..
I see a psychologist and I would rather deal with a loss this way rather than the mind breaking ordeal of a fight over my father. he made his choices by choosing himself
Yes I am angry but it will dissipate..
My father made his choices and as a result, he died because of them...they are the consequence
The toxic relative loves the thrill of power and control over you...and so the only way to stop that is to let go of the rope.
PS after my father died it turns out everyone knew except me , my father and my sister that she isn't his...that she was the result of an affair my mother had..

[NeedHelpUK]

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[NeedHelpUK]

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