Tough love right? RIGHT?

[JPAL71]

Hi all - I found this website last night and wow I am relieved. I've felt very alone as a mom with a BPD daughter (19 y/o) and none of my friends can relate. Thank you for having this resource available - I am thrilled to be here. I'll get right to the point:

Its the guilt and the feeling of obligation that gets me. I even started therapy last November because of it. And while I'm miles and miles ahead of where I was, it still eats at me. The short version of the story is that daughter has always been an unhappy person, even as a child. Not depressed, just annoyed with EVERYTHING. When the teenage years hit, that went full blast and developed into risky behaviors. Numerous counselors, one suicide attempt, two trips to local psych ward in the past few years.

She quit high school (junior year) at 17 and went to live with my mother in another state. Big crash and burn. Went to her dad's in state #2, bigger crash and burn. Hates everything, hates everyone, life sucks, no one cares about me, I'm not going to follow any rules. Went back to my mom's. Was doing fantastic (working, helping my mother) and seemed to have rally rounded the corner. I now know better than to get my hopes up.

Found a guy, thought he might be ok, has turned out to be an abusive and violent POS (many bruises, stalks her, sent me x-rated video clips and told me "your daughter is a slut," has humiliated her countless times. But let me also say I know she instigates just as much as he does. She's no withering victim here.

Many many many "I'm done, never going back" just to turn right around and go back within hours. My mother, who is very emotionally cold and distant (disowned me for 10 years over money she thought I should be sharing with her - my paycheck) had two demands: be in therapy, keep the job and you can live here. (There's so much detail here I'm leaving out but I think none of it really matters because we're all familiar with the boomerang of hiring and firing therapists). The only bright point was she has kept the same job for a year and a half and she's really good at what she does. Until she stopped showing up recently. 

Anyway, he pushed her yesterday and she was bleeding so she called police. They arrested him. She called me of course and told me all about it and she was so excited because "its over its over." I told her to temper her excitement because he will get out and it will be quick (like, most likely this morning). She then started with begging to come back to me (in state #3) and I have historically always said yes of course you can (many requests, but she has never actually done it). This time however, I said no. Because for the last two weeks I have been warning her that she is really straining the relationship with my mother (who will text me now but will not call) and she's going to end up kicking her out (for like the 100th time- my mother likes to fire people too). Crickets. Then "I just want to live my life and you people need to GTFO." Ok fine just remember you are free to make your decisions but you are not free from the consequences. I went silent.

When I said no to her yesterday, it was nuclear meltdown. To the degree I have never seen before. Screaming, calling me names, calling my mother names (this is all on the phone to me) wailing and carrying on to the point of absurdity. "You owe me, I'm your child its your job to take care of me" and so on. Luckily in the middle of this I had a therapist appointment (via Zoom) and I got the reinforcement I needed. I am NOT giving in. She claims she has no friends and no one willing to help. I know that's wrong, she has people but they are uncomfortable decisions and she wants me to swoop in and fix everything and magically make it right. I am a "fixer" as my therapist says, and it has likely been my downfall with her. She's also my only child.

She has a sense of self preservation that will kick in if it hasn't already. She will also be back with the POS )who I am absolutely convinced has some kind of mood or personality disorder as well) and the antics will continue. She will bounce around from his (mother's house) back to my mom's unless my mom really puts her foot down (questionable).

I'm sorry this is so long. I just want to hear your thoughts, similar situations, and honestly tell me what you think. I also signed up for the Family Connections classes! Geez I feel lighter just typing all of this.

Julie

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Isabel2]

Thank you for sharing your story. You will find a very understanding group here.  I have been on and off of the group for a few years now.  We also have a 19 year old...almost 20 with BPD.  We like to think of the term selective support rather than tough love.  A book we read discussed this.  So every time my husband and I make decisions on how to work with different situations regarding our daughter with BPD we discuss the effects on everyone, us, our daughter and her two younger siblings that still live at home.  We also look through the lens of what will help her advocate for herself and hopefully learn independence.  She has shown that she has the ability to take care of herself (or at times find someone else who will) when she has really wanted something...so we look at providing help/support that helps her start adulting and not enabling her desire to be taken care of like a child. We do offer some support to our daughter but usually it comes with some responsibility on her part so that we are not just enabling her negative behaviors.  You also need to take care of yourself and think of your own needs. Her crisis does not need to become your crisis and you also deserve to have a peaceful home. Although it is difficult to see someone, especially your child, making poor decisions - ultimately as an adult it is her decision and she will face the consequences of it.  A therapist we work with has told us too that selective support rather than rescuing is the best way to potentially help the person with BPD seek help - if they choose that route.     

[JPAL71]

Thank you Isabel2 I appreciate your kind and encouraging response. Your "selective support" phrase is spot on and I will use that from now on. I am continuing to learn and read and take it all in. The diagnosis is new-ish (January of this year) and I feel like I have a lot to catch up on.

[beatricex]

Hi Julie,
My husband and I have just finished Family Connections, and I can say it's for your situation.  You may want to email them and convince them your situation is an "emergency" as my husband and I waited almost a year for a class (I didn't ask for a sooner class, we just waited and that's how long it took).
 
b

[JPAL71]

Beatricex thank you for that information! I will email them immediately. I can really use this right now.