The two faces of borderline

[Riv3rW0lf]

I have been no contact with my mother for a few weeks now. At first, I had blocked her from social media, to send a signal maybe, that I truly needed time off and that I wouldn't be answering her anymore. Not to hurt her, at least I don't think so; it also hurt me to press that button. After reading more around no contact, I decided to unblock her, and promised to myself that I just wouldn't read or answer her, because I did end up thinking the complete block was very hurtful for her and this was not my main aim. When unblocking her, I saw she had also unfriended me on Facebook and without asking, learned between the branches she had decided she was the one that needed the no contact. And it didn't trigger me, it is all good and ok for me, I understand it all and I am actually happy it went that way, as opposed to her arriving at my house unannounced to demand to see her grandchildren, for example...

Anyway, those past few days, I've been feeling weird. Not down, but a lot of thoughts are coming back to me. Nice things she said, the nice mother she could be when I only saw her once or twice a year and lived in another province. That's the hardest part with BPD, ain't it? They are not all bad either.

I've been talking against my mother a lot on this board, and I can see I was giving a voice to my angry child. And it is ok. She needed to express herself. Now, I feel the healthy adult coming back, and she has a more comprehensive view of things.

I am my mother's only daughter, and daughters were considered worthless by my grandfather. So it stands to reason, that as such, my BPD mother would unleash her rage on me, and not on my brothers. On the flip side, she really tried to be close to me, and I know she wished for proximity, which made her resent that I look so much like my father. A copy-paste of his sister, to be clearer, and I have his temperament.

But she did try, sometimes, to make amends. She did tell me numerous time she wasn't worried for my children, that she knew they were in good hands, that I would do good by them, better than she did. And while my accomplishments and her sense of pride might be more about her than me, I know she truly looks up to me for advice, because she admires my rational side, and she says it helps to ground her sometimes. The thing is : I am the one who does not want to be a role model to my own mother. I do not wish to guide her through her emotional turmoil and enmesh myself in her drama.

It is true that she physically and emotionally abused me when I was young, it is true that I still believe she lacks empathy and self-awareness, but it is also true that she really tried to be better. She stopped drinking, she attended Landmark and other conference to help her gain confidence and talk more. She really is trying to find her inner peace. Writing this, I have an image of her gardening, not with love, but with speed and pain in her eyes. And I know she suffers and I do feel guilty for putting more pain on her by cutting her out. Even though I do understand where I was coming from too, my traumas, all the emotions I needed to sort out, and I am not saying I was wrong, the goal was never to hurt her. It was to regain my power and get my own identity back, contact little RiverWolf, and I did.

The question that I have now is... Do I write another letter explaining her, gently, what happened, the whys and do I try to use strong boundaries to keep our relationship without strain? Or do I maintain no contact, knowing it is most likely killing her a bit everyday... And while she wasn't really a mother to me, while I don't have to like her... She remains my mother, and I still came from her.

To be fair though, I know there is no real coming back from what happened, not with her illness. From now on, and I already was, I will always be a trigger for her, and I know for a fact my mother does not forgive past hurt.

I don't know that it is worth it in the end...

She is not a monster, she has her good sides but she is also not exactly easy to manage and brings a lot of stress and anxiety in my life, with my children. Would strong boundaries even been enough?

Maybe I am not ready either... It helped to write this down, even though I am still at a loss.

[zachira]

I do think it is normal to have conflicting emotions about the good things our mother did for us versus all the mistreatment. I am wondering if having your mother and you work with a family therapist would make sense and be the only contact you would have with her until you decide what kind of contact you want to have if any with her.

[lm1109]

Riv3rwolf, I happened to see this post, just as I was about to log off the site.. I may have a better answer later...after a little thought and contemplation.

I suppose my first thought here is that I'm probably NOT the best person on this board to help with this particular issue...given my current NC situation...

That's the hardest part with BPD, ain't it? They are not all bad either.

I've been talking against my mother a lot on this board, and I can see I was giving a voice to my angry child. And it is ok. She needed to express herself. Now, I feel the healthy adult coming back, and she has a more comprehensive view of things.

This is true... especially the angry child part...I commend you for seeing it from all angles!

I also understand the complicated pain you feel. I also expected my parents to try to contact me, try to contact my kids...just try...try in any way to "fix" things and they have not. It hurts...but it also speaks volumes to me that they choose not to try. They chose to paint me black and blame me for the ending of our relationship. A part of me wants to scream the truth (mostly to my Dad...who went along with it) the other...more rational part of me understands that painting me black and pretending that "they are choosing" to walk away from me is their means of survival. Ultimately...I decided that they can choose to say whatever they need to about me to live with themselves...as long as I am free.

I suppose my only advice here is to give yourself some more time for contemplation. Write pros and cons, write the letter you'd like to write to her in your journal first, etc...really weigh your options honestly. It wouldn't be fair to your mother to open that door back up unless you are truly ready to work things out with her and accept her limited abilities to be a mother and grandmother. That's not to say that you couldn't choose to go NC again if you gave her another chance...that is always your right...but I do believe that our BPD mothers are confused by our truths. I believe my Mom was shocked to hear my truths...because she lies to herself...she lives in a delusional world where she was a great mom and grandparent. As resentful as I admittidly am...I can also acknowledge how painful the truth must be to them. In my case...I'm sure it was also a tremendous shock...since I have always been silent.

It sounds like you are dealing with guilt(me too..I totally get it) But it also sounds like you are looking at things from ALL angles and with a very level head...not emotional or angry...which again...I commend you for! You stated ways in which she has tried to get better(quitting drinking, validating your parenting, etc) Those are meaningful things and it's important to be honest about the good and the bad. As we spoke about before...NC doesn't have to be a forever choice...maybe give yourself an end date...and take some time to honestly assess the pros and cons of reaching back out? Maybe an end date will ensure you give it adequate thought rather than choosing to reach back out purely from an emotional state of mind and possibly regretting it later? I say those statements with question marks... because I don't mean to imply anything. I think it's a good thing that you are open minded and honestly evaluating everything!

I wish I had better advice... unfortunately...I am still tending to my angry inner child

Here for you..and sending you support

[livednlearned]

Riv3rW0lf, I don't have a BPD mother so I hesitated to post a response, but you captured something I felt going through a long estrangement with my (non-BPD) father.

Were you raised to appease your mom or make things better for people in the family? There is often a tender cycle to abuse dynamics and I'm wondering if you are going through the tender part of the cycle despite no contact? Almost as though you have internalized it for yourself and are producing it during this extended absence, sort of to self-soothe or forgive yourself for expressing "angry child" thoughts/behaviors.

I agree with lm1109 that it's so admirable how you are looking at things from many angles and allowing yourself to see your mom in her complexity, as a whole person, with good and bad qualities.

When you describe your "healthy adult," that is where I see the connection. I guess the next question is to understand where the desire to reconnect comes from, and what you hope will happen next and whether you feel ready for the behaviors that led to no contact in the likelihood they will come back, eventually.

My therapist who helped me through my estrangement encouraged me to practice skills in a sort of concentric circle, focusing on strangers first, then acquaintances, then friends, coworkers, safe family members, then the most challenging family members. It gave me a safe way to try out new behaviors and to attend to my emotions as I made changes.

If nothing else, it helped me focus on the goal, which was to learn how to keep myself safe.

It was a period of re-parenting that required some exposure to risky (for me) emotional scenarios so I had reference points and could lessen the prospect of being retraumatized when the estrangement lifted.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Riv3rW0lf, I don't have a BPD mother so I hesitated to post a response, but you captured something I felt going through a long estrangement with my (non-BPD) father.

livednlearned, I am glad you did, because you gave me much to think about. So thank you very much for taking the time to answer my post.

Were you raised to appease your mom or make things better for people in the family? There is often a tender cycle to abuse dynamics and I'm wondering if you are going through the tender part of the cycle despite no contact? Almost as though you have internalized it for yourself and are producing it during this extended absence, sort of to self-soothe or forgive yourself for expressing "angry child" thoughts/behaviors.

This is very interesting... I was the silent one and the youngest (my closest brother is 6 years older than me and the other is 9 years older). Weirdly though, my brothers both really love me, and have been in my life much more than they needed to be. They wanted to be in my life, despite the age difference. My therapist pointed out how rare this actually is. If I text them, they usually answer right away, they were also always there whenever I needed them to move, or for random school activities. I once asked the oldest to some sing a song with me at my school for an oral presentation I had, and he did. Thinking back on it, they really always had my back. And I do remember, after fights, that even as the youngest one, I would check on them. My brother got beat down by one of my mother's boyfriend and as soon as they weren't looking, I slipped downstairs to make sure he was ok. He told me to go away, he was crying, but I knew he was glad to see someone cared, you know?

I'd say I was the only one in a position to make sure they were ok. I was very soft, as a child, with a calm demeanor. I kept all my anger bottled up, I didn't cry either, I was very passive. They would often confide in me, especially the youngest brother. I can see now how I was often brought along within the drama as the one that will "solve it". Whenever my mother is truly down, my brother usually calls me so that I call her and take care of her. For my mother's birthday, for every activity, my brothers would always task me of doing something for her. If there was a crisis, I would be ask to "check in" and tend to the conflict to dissipate it. So yes, I guess I was indeed raised to make things better for everyone. I was just thinking too that my father also did that... He would tell me about his issues when I was fifteen, and I was the one providing the shoulder to cry on whenever his girlfriends turned out having many issues.

And I see what you mean about the internalization of the tender phase of the cycle of abuse... This is very interesting and I will have to think a bit more about it. Thank you for pointing it out.

When you describe your "healthy adult," that is where I see the connection. I guess the next question is to understand where the desire to reconnect comes from, and what you hope will happen next and whether you feel ready for the behaviors that led to no contact in the likelihood they will come back, eventually.

That's the thing... Part of me now see a real, big disconnect between what she does in the present, and how I feel. I think what led to the no contact is me being c-ptsd. Thinking back on what happened at her house, it wasn't the crazyness or the actions, but me... I started feeling so very small, slowly lost touch with my adult identity. And I started feeling scared, lonely, ashamed. I didn't know which way to turn, what was true or not in my head. I lost touch with the present and found myself back in a young child mind. This is why I had to leave, mainly. And the reason I didn't tell her upfront is the exact same: I was so very scared of her.

She was, for me, a stick of dynamite, but she is, truly, a wet firecracker (I thought it was funny when my therapist said that, and it does capture the essence of it). I think she did change. I don't think she is the same woman who raised me. She stopped drinking, her rages, while still present, are not as intense as they used too, and usually I can (when I am in my house with my husband present, for example), by standing my ground, calm her down. It does cost me, and it takes me a few days to get back to myself, but it goes to show that she is "manageable". The main issue is therefore the trauma that comes back. Without my husband there, me alone in her house with both of my children... I just lost contact with myself completely. And it wasn't her, albeit her rages are what triggered it, it was my own c-PTSD response to it.

What I wonder is... Would she always trigger me back there? Or has someone been able to manage their c-PTSD response. To lower it, to truly detach themselves from their mother's reaction?

Also I find that since I am a trigger for her, in what I am... Most likely I will always have to deal with the rages and attacks, the question therefore is: can I manage them without them costing me as much as they did in November?

My therapist who helped me through my estrangement encouraged me to practice skills in a sort of concentric circle, focusing on strangers first, then acquaintances, then friends, coworkers, safe family members, then the most challenging family members. It gave me a safe way to try out new behaviors and to attend to my emotions as I made changes.

Yes, my therapist also mentioned something like that, and I have been working hard on asserting myself gently with people that aren't too close to me, and to witness how I feel based on the type of reaction they have. I am learning a lot about my emotional baggage to be sure, but like you said, it is a little bit safer with strangers than it would be with my mother.

One thing is clear... I found a boundary, for me:
I do not want nor wish to get enmeshed in anyone else's drama. I can listen and support, but I will never take responsibility or intervene in someone else's problems ever again.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Im1109, your answer did not make it seem like you were about to leave and again gave me lots to think on, thank you for taking the time  

I also understand the complicated pain you feel. I also expected my parents to try to contact me, try to contact my kids...just try...try in any way to "fix" things and they have not. It hurts...but it also speaks volumes to me that they choose not to try. They chose to paint me black and blame me for the ending of our relationship. A part of me wants to scream the truth (mostly to my Dad...who went along with it) the other...more rational part of me understands that painting me black and pretending that "they are choosing" to walk away from me is their means of survival. Ultimately...I decided that they can choose to say whatever they need to about me to live with themselves...as long as I am free.

I would lie if I said part of me isn't hurt by the fact that she didn't try to reach out. While she was blocked off social media, her email was not blocked, nor her phone. She could have tried writing me a letter, even by hand, considering she works at a post office... And she didn't. And the last thing I told her was a demon from my past. I half hoped for her to acknowledge my pain, but she just said: I didn't know, forgive me. To a very long letter, with so much pain, she answered a six words sentences and decided she needed time off the relationship too and chose to blame me for my own hurt... She certainly did not answer as a mother who cares...

Angry child is coming back, writing this. I am trying to stay present to the vulnerable child though, who feels abandoned again, not seen. Healthy adult see how ill she is and feels calm, though, I am glad I can keep a level head too.I find it so helpful to see myself as an amalgame of all those parts it helps make sense out of the chaos of my thoughts.

But yes, them not reaching out to us , not trying to fix things and blaming us, painting us black the second we stand up for our vulnerable child... We have no control over them... I wonder if this is the only way she found to "survive" the painful truth I told her. In the end though, it doesn't really matter, does it? I asked for a pause, and I got my pause... She did whatever she had to do to be "at peace" with it.

 

I suppose my only advice here is to give yourself some more time for contemplation. Write pros and cons, write the letter you'd like to write to her in your journal first, etc...really weigh your options honestly. It wouldn't be fair to your mother to open that door back up unless you are truly ready to work things out with her and accept her limited abilities to be a mother and grandmother.

Very true about the fairness of it. And if I do decide to reach out someday, you are right that I have to make sure I truly am ready for it, if only for her sake. Considering the strength of her emotions, and depression, and her limited capacity to deal with them, I don't want to overstress her.

I wish I had better advice... unfortunately...I am still tending to my angry inner child

Here for you..and sending you support

As always, your advices were sound and very helpful. Thank you for checking in  

[Riv3rW0lf]

I just wanted to give a quick update that this :

There is often a tender cycle to abuse dynamics and I'm wondering if you are going through the tender part of the cycle despite no contact? Almost as though you have internalized it for yourself and are producing it during this extended absence, sort of to self-soothe or forgive yourself for expressing "angry child" thoughts/behaviors.

Was bang on what was happening. I think part of me was unconsciously suppressing my angry/vulnerable child again, seeking peace and reconnection with my abuser, because that's what we were trained to do. See her as the victim, extinguishing our own feelings and reach out, be the bigger person, be sorry, and be compassionate toward her. Which often came to a price... Being sorry often backlashed in her grabbing more emotional power over us, and abusing us further. A truly peaceful and not resentful forgiveness does not exist for my mother.

I brought back my attention on myself.

Thank you for being on this board. Being here kept me from reaching out at a moment when my inner child truly is not ready to reach out. I have no wish to be back in contact with her.

 

[livednlearned]

 

It's powerful to teach ourselves how to ensure self safety.

My estrangement is over but I had so much growing to do first. Even in my post-estrangement interactions I am constantly correcting for error, but now there is a safety place I can use as a reference point. I get there faster and there is less damage done, while still having a relationship.

Some people seem able to stay connected while healing but that wasn't the journey for me. And mine perhaps went on too long, partly because I started to not think about feeling safe, it just happened, and there was no urgency to change the new status quo. In some ways, it was curiosity that led me to take the step to reconnect.

[Riv3rW0lf]

How did you know you were ready to reconnect?

I understand it was out of curiosity, but is there something else that let you know you were strong enough?

[livednlearned]

How did you know you were ready to reconnect?

The easiest way to explain it is through this cup metaphor I have, something that developed while living with uBPD SD25. I imagined a cup that fluctuated between full and empty. The more full it was, the stronger I felt, the more I could interact and offer SD25. How I dealt with SD25 was directly proportionate to how full or empty my cup was. The emptier the cup, the stronger my boundaries. If my cup was empty, I would spend more time replenishing, and limit my interactions with her. It helped me learn to trust myself. I learned how I functioned as someone with loving boundaries for myself. I developed a strong self care routine and began understanding how my emotions worked with a somatic experiencing therapist.

Seven years into my estrangement with my dad (golden child, narcissistic traits), I felt like I had the skills to ensure my safety, especially after practicing on SD25.

Added to that was my partnership with H, who also has BPD family members, including a deceased mother and vicious sister. He was so deeply empathetic and understanding of the dynamics I was working with. It extended the internal safety net and made me realize I had the fullest cup I had probably ever had, why not see what it was like to reconnect.

When I did reconnect, the problematic behaviors were immediate and I did have a bit of a free fall, but I was able to pull the rip cord and float safely to solid ground.

The key seems to be visits that are short, brief, busy. No alcohol. Expect nothing. Offer little in the way of advice (be light as a fairy). Use non-verbal language (hmmm, ahhhh, oh, ok, huh).

My role in the family used to be trash can. They are hopeful people. They continue to hold out hope that I will resume this role as the post-estrangement era lengthens.

The key for me is recognizing when it happens. It is almost transactional at this point. "Oh look, they are setting up for that move." Except I don't play that anymore. They try a few more times and notice I'm not engaging so they set it down and more often than not, the dynamic sets up between them instead of trying to relieve their anxieties through me.

I don't know if that's helpful for you? I didn't really have a plan and was pretty much accepting that the estrangement was permanent. I can't pinpoint a moment where it became clear to re-engage. It was more like an experiment. My parents lived 3000 miles away and H and I were visiting their city. We had gotten married, they were getting older.

There were things that led to the estrangement, but mostly I just stopped doing the things everyone expected of me. At the root of it, though, it felt unforgivable to me that they knew how violent my brother was to me and did nothing. Then they would assign blame to me for upsetting uBPD brother by not wanting a relationship.

One time, my brother was screaming at me on the phone, calling me c*^ and every other name in the book. I hung up on him for the first time ever. It was the most freeing, profound feeling. My dad was in the next room and heard what happened. He came in and began yelling at me, "You know you cannot hang up on him -- he'll be furious and we'll be dealing with this for weeks." 

That dynamic is done. We don't discuss or rehash anything. I have done the rehashing and I work on these traumas with someone I trust, internalizing that trust for me.

My parents are people I've known for a long time and they are severely, emotionally stunted and very little can be expected of them. Reconnecting successfully means radically accepting that they cannot be trusted and we are all more likely to remain engaged if I treat that as the cardinal rule.

What is interesting is that they like me this way. They raise intimate topics -- bait -- and I shrug  it off. It is safer for everyone if I recognize the emotional limits and capacities of all involved.