I am still in a really bad place

[So many questions]

I’m pretty regular to this forum. It has helped me more than anyone will realize. It’s become a vice of sorts.

I want to document my journey for those who relate and want to follow it. And hopefully it’s a story of growth and healing and finding myself.

I am still in a really bad place. We had gotten back close, almost like we were together again. Then she suddenly needed space for her “personal growth and being alone”. Little did I know. We didn’t speak for a week and the day before Valentine’s Day I found out about my replacement. I confronted her, and she denied it. That hurt. I spent a couple days trying to get her to talk and admit it and she wouldn’t. Just cold texts with excuses. I just wanted her to tell me. I imagine she feels shame as she said she was gonna be completely alone for a year. Finally we cut contact on the 20th.

I spiraled. People began telling me about them. I ruminated on their honeymoon phase and how great it is. I thought of everything I could’ve done different. Now I’m just numb. Stuck reading this forum. Trying find a way to get over her. She cheated, lied, disappeared, raged, stonewalled, till it broke me and I became someone I am not.

I found out she was telling people things that weren’t true and after a week no contact I asked to speak to her. Nothing.

It is the wildest feeling to be on the opposing end of being replaced. She was seeing him while we got close and once she decided he could satisfy her needs - I don’t exist. I’m the worst thing in the world. A monster.. I’m owed nothing.

It has been devastating. We both are in the same circles. Both very well known in our city.  I can’t go anywhere. I get looks. Or someone asks about it.

I feel trapped. Like I need to move and start over. Quit my career. I’ve had intrusive thoughts. I just sit at home and read.

My family and friends are deeply concerned. I don’t want her back. I wish i never met her. She is the worst thing to ever happen to me. I’ve never been this low. So why can’t I just see that and move on? Life has stopped. I’m stuck in this loop. I’m sick of feeling like this every moment of every day. I might feel relief for maybe an hour a week. I’m in therapy. CODA. I read constantly about codependency and BPD. I surround myself with friends. I go out only to be so bored with everything and it takes me right back to being there with her when it was good.

We leaned on each other. I have my own emotional issues. We both were PLEASE READed up. But I was never unfaithful in any way. I was her rock. And maybe sometimes she wasn’t always there fir me, but when it came down to it. We always made up.

I just need some support.

[Bara]

Hang in there. When you are in it, the feeling seems like it will never go away. It will. Things will change.

These type of people can't hold up the false narrative forever. Others will come around as she uses and discards them as well. Stay true to yourself, be authentic. You will come out the other side.


Be open and honest with those willing to support you. This feeling will not last forever.

[lietome]

Hello friend,
Every time I read a post on this forum, I realize how much it relates to me.  It seems like your story is 100% about me. Everyone here is experiencing the same nightmare.
I was in a total apathy for the last five months after breakup. Just laying on my bed and watched the ceiling. I’m also stuck in a loop and life has stopped for me. I don’t have any desires … I don’t want anything.
I consulted a psychiatrist and found some relief in medication. I’m a little bit better now. I also tried therapy but it doesn’t work for me. I think at this stage for me only psychiatry can help …

[So many questions]

Thank you both for your words of encouragement. Every day is a new challenge. Some better than the others. I spent yesterday grieving. I left social media alone and really dove into this forum.

Today is better than the last week I can say that. I woke up with a motivation to not let it get to me. It’s hard. But the truth is, it doesn’t matter if her and my replacement last. It’s highly unlikely as she hasn’t gave herself any time to heal from relationships in a decade (her words). It doesn’t matter what I did or didn’t do. Or had I not lost control of my emotions the night we broke up. Our end was inevitable. Until that happens, until she admits her problems and seeks true help, these cycles won’t change.

I use to think maybe I had PBD. I’m very emotional. But my T says I don’t split, I’m loyal to a fault, not-impulsive and I try to control situations because of my codependency. She told me even if I let my ex have her drunk hook ups, never confronted her and was more carefree, she would’ve let that be a trigger. I was in a lose-lose situation and I do deserve better than that.

I know those things. I know I need to be alone for a very long time and figure out why I choose toxic partners. Not only that, but why I also choose to stay through hundreds of red flags.

I think my ego is the thing in the way from truly breaking through. It’s hurt. Wounded. Embarrassed. But time will heal that if I commit to the work.

NC is now at 2 weeks. And I honestly never plan to contact her again. I am concerned she will when she’s feeling lonely or they aren’t doing well. She went back to her ex before me multiple times but they worked together. I’ve stopped going places she goes. So I really don’t know if I’ll ever hear from her again. She painted me so black and told so many awful lies about me. She can’t. But my guess, she will. I hope not.

She was trying to have a threesome with a guy and her bf a month and half into has being together as she told me “I’m her on and only” “future husband” and yada yada yada. She ended up sleeping with him and denying it, i found out 8 months later.

Her replacement has hurt, but made it much easier to let go of hope. Thank you. Good luck bud, you are gonna need it.

[drumdog4M]

Your words and experience reminds me so much of myself and my experiences with my ex. I have been painted black and replaced, then charmed up and made to feel like the "only one" numerous times over the past three years. I'm in the middle of a discard now, which I shared in my letter to my ex post. I am frustrated that each time she's come back, I fall back into the trap thinking I can have a successful relationship if only I try harder. Love her more. Communicate more. While I do believe people with BPD deserve love and empathy, no amount of love can fix them. DBT helped my ex, but when she's triggered, she rarely employs the skills she learned to regulate her emotions.

I'm a successful, rational, kind, empathetic person. I've had kids, been married and divorced, and lost both my parents. Nothing in my life has emotional destabilized me like loving her. It is as if she invited me to get on her emotional roller coaster. Took me to the highest of highs and lowest of lows. I'm trying to get off the ride, but part of me wishes I could keep riding even though I know I should not.

I have had periods of being myself again when she has been gone, and I realize that the problem really was not me, notwithstanding what she says.

It is amazing how relationships with people with BPD can really be so destructive to those of us who try to love them.

You will be ok, eventually, though being in the midst of it seems like forever. Be kind to yourself and know that you are not alone.