Suddenly she cut contact. And it’s never been like this.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I’m having a hard time. We broke up 3 months ago. She recycled after 2 weeks no contact. Then again after another 3 weeks no contact. The entire month of January we would talk, see each other, and toward the end it was almost like we were back in a relationship without being in one.

Suddenly she cut contact. And it’s never been like this. She found my replacement and now I don’t exist. I can’t even get a response.

What are your experiences when they found a new replacement? Did she contact you again? How long was it? What was the context? I feel like this new guy is toxic, much younger, so he will take all her bs and they’ll be together for awhile.

I’ve dated other BPD and once they found a replacement I never heard from them again. Honestly, I hope that’s the case because she’s the worst thing to ever happen to me. I’m just worried about when or if she does.

[So many questions]

I’m having a hard time. We broke up 3 months ago. She recycled after 2 weeks no contact. Then again after another 3 weeks no contact. The entire month of January we would talk, see each other, and toward the end it was almost like we were back in a relationship without being in one.

Suddenly she cut contact. And it’s never been like this. She found my replacement and now I don’t exist. I can’t even get a response.

What are your experiences when they found a new replacement? Did she contact you again? How long was it? What was the context? I feel like this new guy is toxic, much younger, so he will take all her bs and they’ll be together for awhile.

I’ve dated other BPD and once they found a replacement I never heard from them again. Honestly, I hope that’s the case because she’s the worst thing to ever happen to me. I’m just worried about when or if she does.

[MobyCloud]

She was violent and abusive and gas-lit me.
Out the door multiple times, and thought I just needed to love her through it (did not realize codependency and unhealthy aspects of our relationship).
Got married.
Separated for months, with a small child involved (<1 year old).
She went no contact with exception of yelling at me in response to me trying to work things out or about the child.
Spread false stories and allegations to her friends and family.
Got primary custody, didn't fully understand what I was dealing with re: a Cluster B spouse.
She claimed she realized she was wrong, promised therapy and promised to set the record straight with her family.
Realize now it was just for the kids and to protect her false ego vs. being a "mom who lost her children."
I blindly believed her, and let her come back.
We ended up having another kid.
Same cycle repeating now.
My advice to anyone is to cut ties before kids are involved. They bring the responsibilities to a different level, the need for attachment to a different level and the love to a different level.
You cannot go NC with someone you share kids with.

[So many questions]

Yeah I can’t imagine having kids with my ex without her getting help. I imagine they treat the kids like a prop to upset you. While also show their anger and outrage towards them? Can you go more into what it’s like? During pregnancy, after, etc.

My ex knew greatest dream was to have a wife and kids and she continually used that to manipulate or love bomb me.

[ILMBPDC]

Funny you should ask this, I have actually been thinking about this a lot recently. Mine definitely has a pattern. 

While he is dating someone else he will "check in" every few days, asking me how things are, if anything is new. He won't ask to see me or want to hang out but the second that they break up I will get a text, framing him as the victim. Then he will want to get together where he proceeds to tell me how awful she was to him. He will open up emotionally, drawing me in. We eventually end up in bed. I feel like we are starting over while he just wants comfort. Then I start to feel used and get mad and either he cuts me off for weeks (but eventually comes back) or else he pulls away, meets someone else and the cycle starts over.

Little does he know that the cycle has stopped. He is seeing someone new again so we are in the "check in periodically" phase, but I have no intention of continuing his cycle when they break up. I am working with a trauma therapist and we are digging into my cPTSD and I am starting to learn boundaries.

[So many questions]

That seems so unbelievably stressful and I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through. My story doesn’t compare but the destruction left in their wake, has been devastating.

I have no idea if she will ever contact me again. I really don’t. She always came back. Even after our last break up that was really bad. And she told everyone I’m a monster and all these other lies.  She still came back, in secret. Little did I know she was hooking up with someone at the same time.there’s never been someone else in the picture that wasn’t just a secret link.

So I have no idea. She won’t give me a reply. But won’t block me. She said she just wants space, not to leave her alone for good. It all seems like manipulation.

Has anyone had their ex recycle them after their first replacement?

[MobyCloud]

Yeah I can’t imagine having kids with my ex without her getting help. I imagine they treat the kids like a prop to upset you. While also show their anger and outrage towards them? Can you go more into what it’s like? During pregnancy, after, etc.

My ex knew greatest dream was to have a wife and kids and she continually used that to manipulate or love bomb me.

I wouldn't say a prop to upset.
When she isn't raging she's a great mom.
But when she's raging she can't keep it from impacting them.
During pregnancy, the fear of abandonment and shame increase because of societal norms and general feelings of being inadequate.
Post pregnancy the hormones take over and it's actually really good for a week or two.
Then lack of sleep, post partum and body issues bring back fears and paranoia.
It's rough.
That being said I wouldn't trade my kids for the world, but it's really difficult to have to choose between being a single parent or subjecting them to violent outburst.
My witnessing violence growing up and other forms of abuse created a codependency in me that let me fall for her.
So it's kind of the only way to break the cycle as much as it hurts.
There is also a tendency at least in my experience for the lack of rage control to come out on the kids.

[Turkish]

Good discussion.

My experience is that I had an "out" after our first official date where I thought she got weird, "I'm not ready for a boyfriend." <who said that? This was just dinner.> I was ready to move on.

Then she texted me to see if I wanted to see a movie about a week later. My initial reaction was <I don't like being Jersey around> but then I thought, <give love a chance!> She later guilty me with something similar to that upon our later recycle. Not her recycle, ours.

Before babies, she broke up with me. I was relieved. She also accused me of not being man enough to break up with her. I was preparing to get out, if even to a strip motel, when she pulled the "if you love someone, why wouldn't you fight for them?" I tossed my "out" into the garbage. We went to counseling where she left me to get "fixed" because I was the problem.

Then bambino 1. After not wanting to have another due to that experience, then bambina 2. I thought she'd leave if we didn't give our son a sibling. Fear of loss on my part, yes?

We're all independent entities, free to make our own choices.

This thread is worth a read. Click on the link for the whole discussion.
   

Relationship Recycling
What is it?
 
This workshop is about "break-up/make-up" cycles and when and how it can become toxic and what we should do.  
 
When is this unhealthy?  
 
Let's break this down.  Sixty-two (62%) of relationships do not end at the first break-up.  For a wife to have second thoughts about a divorce is normal. Sometimes our own self doubt makes us want to try one more time.  Sometimes one partner promises to change something.   To reconnect with a person after a break-up 1-2 times is really not all that unusual.  
 
When there are more than 4, 5, 6 "break-up/make-up" cycles in a relationship there is something seriously wrong.  When this happens, the conventional relationship expectations are pretty much out the window.
 
Why do we get caught up in cycles?
 
These are the questions we need to answer if we ever want the break-up/make-up cycle to end.  Are we returning to this person because we are in love with them and the relationship has a chance, or are we returning to this person because they feel safe?
 

• Are we afraid to be alone?  

• Do we have our own abandonment issues?  

• Are we fearful that we cannot find someone as good as them again?  

• Are we fearful of the next step (dating, financial issues, etc.)  

Why do our "BPD" partners recycle?
 
It is hard for us to understand why our partner is expressing an interest after they left in a torrent of bad behavior (e.g., cheating, raging and telling us that we are a horrible people).  "If they don't love me, why this?"  The answer is much of the same reasons as we have... .plus a few others that are related to the disorder.
 

• Inability to deal with acute loneliness

• Severe insecurity / needing validation (from someone that highly values them)

• Shame / wanting to prove they are a good person (to us or themselves)

• Immaturity/Manipulation/Control - the break-up was just a way to get their way.

If You Want to Stay in the Relationship: The ability to end break-up/make-up cycles and stay in a relationship takes a deep commitment by both partners.  This often means structured rehabilitation (counseling, workshops, classes, self-help programs, etc.).
 
If you are both open to restarting the relationship, remember the problem isn't going to go away without work. Hope is not enough (on both sides).
 
You may believe that your partner has changed, will change, is sincere this time, will get into treatment if only you come back. They may believe that you changed.  Unless there is specific work going on - don't count on it.
 
If You Want to Leave the Relationship: The power to end the relationship and end the toxic break-up/make-up cycles lies with us... .not our partner.  Moreover, it doesn't help us to blame it on our partner - that tends to make us think that they have power over us.  Besides, if we both repeatedly recycled we have conditioned this behavior as "normal" in the relationship - just look at these numbers of break-up/make-up cycles in a recent bpdfamily poll:
 
Number of break-up/make-up cycles (Leavers)

-------------------------- None 1-2 (not unusual) 3-5 (unhealthy)     6 - 10 (very unhealthy)     10 or more (wow)     We haven't broken up     Other

------- (12.8%) (14.9%) (38.3%) (8.5%) (23.4%) (0%) (2.1%)

<click here>
 
If you are truly done with the relationship, if you have expressed this to the ex and he/she continues to contact you, it is best to reduce our frequency, timing, and the personal nature of our communications (controlled contact) - possibly all the way to ending them (limited or no contact).  They are contacting you to engage you... if you stop engaging the other person will usually move on.  
 
Is he/she sincere or is this just more toxic recycling?
 
Many non's spend much time trying to figure out if the attempted "re-engagement" is sincere. For this reason, it's important to understand the emotional make-up of someone with BPD.  They are not crazy/insane - their behaviors are often predictable - especially if we understand the disorder and their history with us.  So it is wise to accept that the person with BPD is probably very sincere in wanting to reconnect.
 
It is important to consider that pwBPD can be highly impulsive and those impulses can change quickly.
 
So sincerity is not the issue.   The issue is whether the person with BPD (as well as you) can follow through with an emotional commitment.

[harbinger70]

It’s hard not to check social media. You want to know what they’re up to, trying to figure out what they’re thinking or how they’re coping. But in truth social media is just a distortion or false representation of reality. People don’t show who they really are on social media. Especially for people with BPD, who use it to present themselves s as happy, confident, etc.

[Mutt]

It’s like Elon Musk says about social media. People look happier on social media than in real life.

When you find yourself ruminating about the positive experiences draw on the negative experiences as wel to balance your thoughts.

It’s hard when your ex pwBPD doesn’t validate what you’re feeling. Especially when they seem like they’ve moved on and you’re feel like you’re left behind feeling anger and sadness..

They cannot process sadness and grief the same way as we do. If you think about it where do the tantrums come from? It’s unprocessed friend and anger that gets directed at someone that is not directly related with the original source of that anger and grief.

That anger and grief is going to cause problems in r/s’s as you can see first hand. A r/s doesn’t cure BPD. Sure it might seem for a brief time like the behaviors go into regression but in actuality the unprocessed grief / anger becomes worse with each failed r/s.

Going back to what I initially said what you see in social media is not reality. I agree with the other posters. Set a boundary  on yourself and focus on other things and don’t go on social media. It’s a good gauge with where you are with your healing. You need more time behind you with healing if going on social media is bringing up these feelings.

[So many questions]

Thank you for your replies it means a lot. I’m really struggling this week. Just can not stop thinking about everything. It’s literally all I think about. Mornings are awful as I wake up too early and have fight/flight jumps right before I fall back asleep. I feel haunted. I look forward to getting home and posting here. Replaying every convo and what I should’ve said/done differently. Can’t get the thought of her and the new guy out my head.  Was exercising earlier with my friends and couldn’t stop thinking everything.

[MobyCloud]

My advice if helpful, don’t think about what you could have done differently too much. That likely is good to understand in the dynamic of a healthy relationship, but thinking that way with a disordered personality partner is (a) putting too much of the responsibility on you (when it is their bag to hold) and (b) makes it harder to realize this is healthier for you in the long run. These people sometimes take and expect more from you than they give, and more from you than they give or expect from themselves. Over time, this could have made you think “if I just,” “I should have,” or “we were both unhealthy.” It adds to your negative internal voice. In reality, these people often externalize and outsource their guilt and accountability. That’s not on you. Don’t get hung up on the sex / intimacy imagery. Don’t get hung up on the idea that they will get the “good version.” Realize while you’re sitting there still ruminating, they are out there “living their best life” often as if you never existed. Don’t let them live in your head rent free. Believe in yourself. Your self-esteem has been injured, you think this person is the best you can do or you feel rejected and think it’s unjust. Take the pain and anger or sadness and do something productive with it. Set a goal and meet it. You will wear this sadness on you like a cologne or perfume, others will pick up the scent. By working on yourself and freeing your mind, you will begin to be see a path to a better life. Follow that path. But if you keep your eyes in the rear view mirror or side mirror trying to see what she’s up to, you continue to let her control your emotions and inevitably your life path. You need to love and believe in something. Let that be you for a while. If you don’t love yourself and respect yourself, you may seek that validation externally. You don’t want to do that. Become you again, understand what you don’t like about yourself and work on that. Understand what you do like about yourself and lean into that. I am willing to bet that if you can get a place of forgiveness of this person and be happy they are doing what they want, it will be freeing. Getting there is actually for you, not for them.