I want to send one last message.

[So many questions]

Hey all.

I have reached a breaking point. I have to move on with my life. But I can’t, and I think it’s because I want to send one last message. I need this person to know she isn’t a monster. I need her to know I did love her and I do appreciate the amazing life we briefly shared.

I know we will never get back. I can’t do that. Too much happened. But I do appreciate her. She got me through some tough times and when I’m healed and moved on, I would like to think we can root  each other on from a distance. And if we run into each other it can be nice and not so awkward.

I don’t want to rekindle a friendship. I just want her to know I meant every word I said, and someone is capable of loving them no matter what. I want her to know I don’t regret loving her. And that she really was the most amazing person I’ve ever met.

Here it is. I don’t know if I’ll ever send it. She is with a replacement. So I might just wait another month and see how I feel.


I hope you’re doing well. I just want you to know; I truly loved our time together and will always cherish the love and moments we shared. There’s too many to list, but they were the best times of my life and I’ll never forget them. You were my dream girl. My best friend. My confidant. The one I wanted forever. And that’s something I’ll always appreciate feeling. Thank you for giving me your time, affection, and care. We rushed into things, and I’ll always always regret that. I’ll regret the times I didn’t handle things the best or wasn’t a good partner to you, I sincerely apologize for those moments. But, I’ll never regret loving you. The way you made me feel is something I will always aspire to find. I felt alive and present with you, nothing else mattered. You’re laugh stays with me, what a wonderful sound to know. I could listen to you talk for hours about any and everything. I loved hearing your opinion about anything, you’re brilliant ____, I hope you know that. That was one my favorite things about you. You are the most amazing person that I have ever met. The most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. The most interesting person I’ve ever talked to. And I am lucky to have spent the time I did with you. I’m lucky to truly get to know you deep down. Thank you, I’ll cherish it forever. I hope you’re doing okay. I don’t want there to be resentment between us, because I truly, deeply, care for you. Just know how much I loved our time together, and how much I appreciate it and you. I apologize if I didn’t handle you moving on well. You deserve happiness and a life full of love and joy. You’ll always hold a very special place in my heart.

[drumdog4M]

So many questions,

I think it's beautiful. While I'm sure other more knowledgable members might disagree, I think it could be useful if it helps to give YOU closure and feel that you acted with empathy and honor. My only advice, having done similar things at earlier points during my own bouts of discard / recycling is: (1) please do not expect her to respond, or if she does that it is similarly graceful: (2) if things aren't as idyllic as they might seem to you with her replacement, she might try to reengage you in some way. Please be prepared for how that could go.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for what they're worth. In my humble opinion, she was a fool (or rather a disordered woman) to leave a man who felt the way you do toward her.

[SinisterComplex]

So So many questions, I'll be real with you...no words of wisdom here, no agreeing or disagreeing with you. Just support...Do You. That is all. As long as you are happy and it works for you and you can continue to grow then NIKE that S

Cheers!

-SC-

[NotAHero]

Hey all.

I have reached a breaking point. I have to move on with my life. But I can’t, and I think it’s because I want to send one last message. I need this person to know she isn’t a monster. I need her to know I did love her and I do appreciate the amazing life we briefly shared.

I know we will never get back. I can’t do that. Too much happened. But I do appreciate her. She got me through some tough times and when I’m healed and moved on, I would like to think we can root  each other on from a distance. And if we run into each other it can be nice and not so awkward.

I don’t want to rekindle a friendship. I just want her to know I meant every word I said, and someone is capable of loving them no matter what. I want her to know I don’t regret loving her. And that she really was the most amazing person I’ve ever met.

Here it is. I don’t know if I’ll ever send it. She is with a replacement. So I might just wait another month and see how I feel.


I hope you’re doing well. I just want you to know; I truly loved our time together and will always cherish the love and moments we shared. There’s too many to list, but they were the best times of my life and I’ll never forget them. You were my dream girl. My best friend. My confidant. The one I wanted forever. And that’s something I’ll always appreciate feeling. Thank you for giving me your time, affection, and care. We rushed into things, and I’ll always always regret that. I’ll regret the times I didn’t handle things the best or wasn’t a good partner to you, I sincerely apologize for those moments. But, I’ll never regret loving you. The way you made me feel is something I will always aspire to find. I felt alive and present with you, nothing else mattered. You’re laugh stays with me, what a wonderful sound to know. I could listen to you talk for hours about any and everything. I loved hearing your opinion about anything, you’re brilliant ____, I hope you know that. That was one my favorite things about you. You are the most amazing person that I have ever met. The most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. The most interesting person I’ve ever talked to. And I am lucky to have spent the time I did with you. I’m lucky to truly get to know you deep down. Thank you, I’ll cherish it forever. I hope you’re doing okay. I don’t want there to be resentment between us, because I truly, deeply, care for you. Just know how much I loved our time together, and how much I appreciate it and you. I apologize if I didn’t handle you moving on well. You deserve happiness and a life full of love and joy. You’ll always hold a very special place in my heart.

 Do what you have to do. I did the same thing a while ago and had to learn from my own mistakes, despite all evidence I still had to do that mistake.

[Ellala]

Hi So many questions,

Such heartfelt words and so honoring.

I was in a similar place, feeling that I needed to send a letter as part of letting go. I received advise on this board to hold off, which I did for another month or two. That was good. During that time, I wrote many letters which I did not send…. which helped me process. By the time I reached out (3 months after the b/u), I had healed a bit more and what I had to say changed a bit…and I felt less attached to any response. The call didn't go well, things were still too fresh,  but it actually gave me some closure and clarity.

I agree, do what feels the best for you. Trust yourself.

[Skip]

Quick summary: 18 months together, 4 month separated, recycling/charming lasted till February when I was replaced. A month since I’ve heard from them. NC 22 days but still having trouble not looking.

This is a lovely letter.  And it is good that you can feel these positive thoughts.

At 4 weeks this might be too soon. A letter like this may end up being hurtful to her and to you. I know its hard to imagine this, but relationship communications are very complex - especially right after a breakup.

She knows who you are, she knows you want to be with her, and she knows that with a simple text you will be there for her. This has been communicated over and over and your actions have backed it up.

You: You have not let go of hope yet (nor should you, its only 4 weeks). You are trying to, and you may hope this letter will help, but almost every likely response  or non-response will set you back.

Her: If she feels shame about the relationship ending (most women do), she may need to find fault with you to be OK with herself. She might see it as not respecting her current relationship/privacy/space. She might read it as an attempt to rekindle the relationship - annoying, manipulative, even clingy.

Here is the complex part - even if she feels the same, or is dealing with regret - she may not want to communicate that back because as it will open a dialog and a difficult of worms. Sometimes people muck something up so bad they feel its better to cut it loose and start over.

Give her space. Give yourself space. You both need it to figure things out.

Frankly, if you were asking about how to rekindle the relationship, the advice would be the same.

[So many questions]

Thank you for your responses and support.

I really don’t know what to do. I know sending it is not a good idea.  Honestly, I am at my lowest. I didn’t think that was possible. And she seems to be doing really well.

I’m back to thinking of everything I did wrong. I really didn’t handle things well, especially early on in the relationship. I know there was things she did that weren’t ok,, but I feel like it was a result of my insecurities.

I was too much. Too controlling. I didn’t know about personality disorders at all. I would fight back, raise my voice, be manipulative. Heck,, I think I have PBD at this point.

It hurts,  I figured it out and stopped engaging nearly as much. I learned to leave the room, not take things personal. And accept her the next day. She was the love of my life.

And the night of our break up. I acted awful. Maybe it was all the built up hurt from her rages and actions. I don’t know. Or maybe, I’m just a POS.

I couldn’t just love the person I wanted to be with forever, for her. Flaws and all. She chose me. Made me apart of her family. And sure, sometimes she could be really nasty, or make hurtful decisions, but it was really only when she was drunk.

I was just too much. Too emotional. Too possessive. She is broken and I only added to it. And now I’ve ruined my life, my reputation, everything.

So it’s a message she deserves to hear. She was the most amazing person I’ve ever met.

[Ellala]

Sorry to hear you are feeling so down. Sending you a virtual hug.  

I feel your pain. All those thoughts of being "too…" are wrong.
What she did was the result of her choices… you are not responsible for actions.
And we all make mistakes. It sounds like you grew and learned and showed up in a loving and committed way… that is great and signs of a good partner. Can you see and value what you gave and did right?  

For weeks I kept comparing myself and judging myself as being not enough, too needy, not setting clearer boundaries, etc…. replaying the moments I could have shown up better…been more of the woman I wanted to be.  And feeling emotionally devastated while I imagined my ex  off living the high life (his life full of everything mine was not)……telling myself no wonder he left me…. It was like my mind was hijacked and it was on a path to destroy me. The comparison was excruciating.

I internalized the nasty comments, the coldness, the rejection,  took  it all personally…. the whole experience brought childhood wounds to the surface…. and the pain felt beyond intense. There was definitely PTSD there too. I realized that are parts of me I had ignored or didn't know existed and desperately needed my love. Taking the lens off the "other" and putting it on me has been constant work. 3 months out and I can say the pain has definitely lessened.  

You will get through is and find your strength. It is still so fresh for you… give yourself this time to feel what you are feeling. As much as this hurts, it is temporary.

Is there something you really enjoyed doing or would normally love doing?  Some way you can really "treat" yourself?

Let yourself do you. Let her do her.  I would hold off on the letter until you feel clear.

Hugs,
El

[So many questions]

Ell, thank you for the positive message.

I did a lot right. I loved her so much. I made her a huge priority. I was always faithful. I was caring and tried so hard to understand her. I was forgiving and showed grace even if it was undeserved. I tried and tried and tried. I guess there’s value in that. And also why I hate myself so much, because my actions during the break up completely negate all of that, to her.

None of my favorite activities are even remotely fun or interesting any more.

It’s like the life and person I am has been sucked out of me.

I use to love being alone, living alone, doing my hobbies alone, eating alone. And now I can’t stand it.

[Skip]

None of my favorite activities are even remotely fun or interesting any more.

It’s like the life and person I am has been sucked out of me.

Depression is one of the four stages of relation grief... have you read this:

there are five stages of grief that individuals experience: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance
https://bpdfamily.com/content/broken-heart-can-hurt-you

[Fountaine31]

I hope you’re doing well. I just want you to know; I truly loved our time together and will always cherish the love and moments we shared. There’s too many to list, but they were the best times of my life and I’ll never forget them. You were my dream girl. My best friend. My confidant. The one I wanted forever. And that’s something I’ll always appreciate feeling. Thank you for giving me your time, affection, and care. We rushed into things, and I’ll always always regret that. I’ll regret the times I didn’t handle things the best or wasn’t a good partner to you, I sincerely apologize for those moments. But, I’ll never regret loving you. The way you made me feel is something I will always aspire to find. I felt alive and present with you, nothing else mattered. You’re laugh stays with me, what a wonderful sound to know. I could listen to you talk for hours about any and everything. I loved hearing your opinion about anything, you’re brilliant ____, I hope you know that. That was one my favorite things about you. You are the most amazing person that I have ever met. The most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. The most interesting person I’ve ever talked to. And I am lucky to have spent the time I did with you. I’m lucky to truly get to know you deep down. Thank you, I’ll cherish it forever. I hope you’re doing okay. I don’t want there to be resentment between us, because I truly, deeply, care for you. Just know how much I loved our time together, and how much I appreciate it and you. I apologize if I didn’t handle you moving on well. You deserve happiness and a life full of love and joy. You’ll always hold a very special place in my heart.

Hey man, as someone who's kinda in your shoes, I'll give you the two cents I should be giving myself: don't send her that letter. It's a beautiful letter, it encapsulates a strong flow of feeling, it's very honest, and I do believe that you think it's the best way to say goodbye. But it won't be a goodbye, because as soon as you send it you will expect a response. Then she doesn't reply. You'll feel terrible, and you'll probably regret everything you wrote. Or she does reply, and the lines of communication are kept open, and your hope and your love will try to feed on that, and then you'll see or hear about her replacement and you'll feel even worst. I've done it plenty of times. My love for her feeds itself however it can. Keep your silence. Moving on will be a shift of feeling within yourself and cannot be provoked by an external event. I feel your pain, believe me. You're not alone.

[LaRonge]

So it’s a message she deserves to hear. She was the most amazing person I’ve ever met.

So many questions, these might be hard questions to ask right now, but: Does she actually deserve to hear that message? Is she actually the most amazing person you've ever met?

We all tend to idealize the person we've lost, our brain naturally gravitates to and highlights the great moments, and with a person with BPD, there are a lot of great moments, because you become the star of your own movie, and at the start at least, you get the girl of your dreams. But it's not real. All those drunken rages, all the blaming, all the weird behaviors, the lack of accountability, the discarding you and moving on to someone else—that is also her. That's also who she is. Always was, still is, and will continue to be.

You're in a terrible spot right now. I know how you feel. I had legitimate suicidal thoughts after I was discarded and blamed after my ex's drunken rage. I blamed myself endlessly, would have done anything to get her back even though I knew it was a terrible idea, and could hardly bear the torment of believing that I would be alone forever.

But as time went on, and especially after I went NC and realized that her attempts to reach out to me had nothing to do with any concern for me pain at all, things, slowly, started to get better. I began to put the pieces of my life back together, and two months to the day after I was dumped for the second time, I legitimately have hope for the future, have no desire to rekindle anything with her, am starting to feel good about myself again, and have totally disabused myself of the false idea that my ex was the most amazing person I've ever met and I'll never find someone like her. Now, I hope to god I never find someone like her again. It still hurts sometimes, I still have anxiety, I still ruminate sometimes, and I still want accountability. But I'm finally starting to see my own worth. And I think with time you will too. But you might have to look hard at the idea that she was this incredible person who completed you, who made you whole; my guess is that that isn't true, and never was.

Keep pushing forward. Keep doing the work you need to do. Don't look at any of her social media. Imagine yourself in the future happy and at peace. Because that's what love should be, a feeling of peace. Did you have that with her?

[drumdog4M]

Skip, Fountaine31, and LaRonge,

Though directed toward So many questions, all your comments really resonated with me too. I'm in a similar situation, as so many of us are. I do continue to idealize her based on the good times and discount the awful ones. I also tend to forget about the lack of peace - the anxiety, the walking on eggshells, the countless times when she would not respond to me because she didn't care or often was with another man.

Yet, I do feel like with a little distance I am seeing more clearly who she is as a person, as well as the how the moments of passion and love bombing did not truly add up to healthy love, much less a stable relationship. It was more an addiction based on intermittent reinforcement, my anxious attachment, and our joint ability to construct a shared fantasy that could not survive in reality.

Like all of us, I have ok days and terrible days where all I can do is pine for her. But seeing her for what she is and how she behaves, the good as well as the bad, is helping me to gain a little more perspective. But man, does it feel like it's one step forward but two steps back sometimes.

Others in my life have also been helpful in helping to deflate my bubble of idealization toward her and our relationship. Though I have too few friends (which I think is part of my vulnerability to being drawn into the relationship with her in the first place), the friends I do have as well as the family members who met her and are aware of the situation without exception have advised me not to be in a relationship with her, even if she wanted that again.

Thank you all for the support you provide in your posts. It's sincerely appreciated.

[SinisterComplex]

Thank you for your responses and support.

I really don’t know what to do. I know sending it is not a good idea.  Honestly, I am at my lowest. I didn’t think that was possible. And she seems to be doing really well.

I’m back to thinking of everything I did wrong. I really didn’t handle things well, especially early on in the relationship. I know there was things she did that weren’t ok,, but I feel like it was a result of my insecurities.

I was too much. Too controlling. I didn’t know about personality disorders at all. I would fight back, raise my voice, be manipulative. Heck,, I think I have PBD at this point.

It hurts,  I figured it out and stopped engaging nearly as much. I learned to leave the room, not take things personal. And accept her the next day. She was the love of my life.

And the night of our break up. I acted awful. Maybe it was all the built up hurt from her rages and actions. I don’t know. Or maybe, I’m just a POS.

I couldn’t just love the person I wanted to be with forever, for her. Flaws and all. She chose me. Made me apart of her family. And sure, sometimes she could be really nasty, or make hurtful decisions, but it was really only when she was drunk.

I was just too much. Too emotional. Too possessive. She is broken and I only added to it. And now I’ve ruined my life, my reputation, everything.

So it’s a message she deserves to hear. She was the most amazing person I’ve ever met.

Just remember it takes two to tango. You may be blaming yourself but in these situations it is rarely someone's fault entirely. So cut yourself some slack. You are being hard on yourself. Ok, well then while beating yourself up start using what you are saying about yourself as learning tools to develop a better version of yourself. Improve yourself for your next relationship. Instead of viewing this relationship you went through as a failure think of it as a stepping stone. This is the control and power you do have...you get to control your own narrative and you get to control how you respond. You are not helpless. Just start focusing on helping yourself for once as opposed to worrying about someone else.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

[So many questions]

So many questions, these might be hard questions to ask right now, but: Does she actually deserve to hear that message? Is she actually the most amazing person you've ever met?

Keep pushing forward. Keep doing the work you need to do. Don't look at any of her social media. Imagine yourself in the future happy and at peace. Because that's what love should be, a feeling of peace. Did you have that with her?

I honestly can’t answer if she deserves it. We both made mistakes but we both loved hard. She did give me her heart, but was just a very broken, confused person. Who made some bad choices and couldn’t control her anger. I was guilty of latter as well.

Outside of the illness, yes, she is the most amazing person I ever met. That’s why I stayed through so long. Obviously her actions weren’t okay, but some people just lack self-control or emotional steadiness because they never learned it or were taught it.

When she wasn’t feeling with self hatred or drunk, She was brilliant, funny, loving, loved animals, creative, affectionate, interesting, beautiful, charismatic, calm, supportive.

When she split; watch out.

But no, I had zero peace. I was always considered about upsetting her or her disappearing and cheating. I always was concerned bout her ex.

I acted awful the night we broke up. Reactive abuse. And i think that guilt looms. Because she has written everything she did off. She told me she lowered her standards and ignored all the red flags and I projected insecurities and made her question her own sanity. GasLighting me after hooking up with someone early on.

She used 1 single night to “win”. And that really hurts.

The scary part that I should’ve seen and ran, that same person she hooked up with drunk, months later she said “i was drunk and they took advantage of me and you’re not being empathic towards sexual assault with our own girlfriend!”

She changed the narrative, through this person under the bus, to make herself not look like a impulsive drunk

You’re all right. I’m just trauma bound and can’t escape my addiction. 

[SinisterComplex]

I honestly can’t answer if she deserves it. We both made mistakes but we both loved hard. She did give me her heart, but was just a very broken, confused person. Who made some bad choices and couldn’t control her anger. I was guilty of latter as well.

Outside of the illness, yes, she is the most amazing person I ever met. That’s why I stayed through so long. Obviously her actions weren’t okay, but some people just lack self-control or emotional steadiness because they never learned it or were taught it.

When she wasn’t feeling with self hatred or drunk, She was brilliant, funny, loving, loved animals, creative, affectionate, interesting, beautiful, charismatic, calm, supportive.

When she split; watch out.

But no, I had zero peace. I was always considered about upsetting her or her disappearing and cheating. I always was concerned bout her ex.

I acted awful the night we broke up. Reactive abuse. And i think that guilt looms. Because she has written everything she did off. She told me she lowered her standards and ignored all the red flags and I projected insecurities and made her question her own sanity. GasLighting me after hooking up with someone early on.

She used 1 single night to “win”. And that really hurts.

The scary part that I should’ve seen and ran, that same person she hooked up with drunk, months later she said “i was drunk and they took advantage of me and you’re not being empathic towards sexual assault with our own girlfriend!”

She changed the narrative, through this person under the bus, to make herself not look like a impulsive drunk

You’re all right. I’m just trauma bound and can’t escape my addiction. 

So, So many questions...I have to pull a big brother move here...it is not about being right. That matters little here. For me personally I could be wrong or right and I give zero F 's either way...Why is that? That would defeat the purpose of helping you. I approach this by focusing on empowering you and helping you wade through this muck you are stuck in currently.

Additionally, you are not powerless and yes you can escape your addiction. No excuses. The bottom line is you have to do what YOU WANT to do not what anyone else tells you or what you FEEL you NEED to do. Make sense? Quit being so damn hard on yourself. That does not serve you one damn bit ok. I know you are having a rough go of it. But don't you dare for one second give in and surrender. F  that! You stand up for yourself and you fight your way out of this. You can and you will in time.

Your feelings matter and hey how you feel is totally valid, but you have to remind yourself that they are only feelings...they are not necessarily fact and the truth. You control your life...no one else. You are responsible for your own happiness and no one else's...Period!

Lastly, hey this is all a process and like I said I could be right or I could be wrong. All I ask of you...feel free to tell me when I am wrong because I myself, the team here, and the other members here just want to help you along your journey and help you put the pieces of humpty dumpty back together again so you can be a whole egg again  . Yes cornball on purpose. Still have to have humor through all this stuff.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

[WalkingonEggshel]

Hello,

I got the news a week after our separation and her moving out she had a new boyfriend.  I felt just like you did and I started off really strong and motivated.
Only advise I can give you now that I have hit a wall and am stuck is keep your guard up and do not let her back in.  I have two daughters with my ex so it is much more difficult.
But most likely she will return with a " I am better!" façade and leaving a door open for you to come back in.  Might even start as "lets try being friends".  Just be careful and aware of what she is doing.
Keep perspective and remind yourself of who you are and who you want to be.

[harbinger70]

It's really hard not looking at their social media. You want some clue about where they are, what they're up to, and if they're "happy" without you. But from everything I've learned over the past few months since my ex abruptly left me, is that people with BPD (especially untreated/undiagnosed) are never actually happy. They're always overwhelmed. They're always overthinking and over-feeling everything. Life with BPD sounds like hell. And the worst part - they crave intimacy, but reject it once they have it. They don't know any better because they believe they don't deserve love/affection because they never received it from the "wounding parent." Mom or Dad wasn't there for them and it screwed up their thinking and stunted their emotional growth.

They move on from relationship to relationship quickly because they never really attach. You said you were with your ex for several months and that when it was good, it was great. You adored her. She was the best. And then she devalued you and treated you like dirt. That's not love. That's not healthy affection. And that's not your fault.

Hang in there. We're all right here with you.

[Bvcruiser]

I give you credit for that final goodbye. It has been 2 months of NC for me, and it hurts. I sometimes ruminate, cry, the woosh! all of the thoughts of her rage, splitting, and devaluing floods my mind. Along with many of the other posts that I have read, I too was hoping to be the "one" that made her see the light and forget all of her past pains. As time goes forward, I now see that I was just another resource. I accept that she has mastered the technique of how to start and end relationships for the needing of a somebody. In my situation, I stood no chance up against the substance issues, alcohol, threats, and serious devaluing.
Its not fair how a non bpd is stuck with tears and sadness while the bpd ex just goes on like nothing happened. In time, we as non border liners will see things for what occurred, and realize that it is better to be single and hoping, instead of tied down and moping.

In my opinion, going NC may not be easy, but the best approach. The borderliner will accept that you have moved on. As for them, the bpd person will be setting up his or her new victim. Take the mindset that if you happen to see the bpd person in public alone or with somebody, dont pay attention. Think of them as another face in the crowd, and go about your business. If the borderliner is revengeful, or has the victim mindset, more reason to stay away and let them stew in their own juices.

Remember too: Us non bpd's look for the "one" while a borderliner looks for the "next."

[lost_in_FOG]

But, I don’t miss the uncertainty. I don’t miss the anger. I don’t miss being called really awful things and having my entire life decimated with words - nothing off limits. I don’t miss wondering if she still cheats. I don’t miss the look in her eyes once she had one too many. I don’t miss feeling like an outcast to her entire friend group. I don’t miss being painted as controlling and manipulative, because I literally could not trust her. I don’t miss the lying.. I don’t missing being screamed at for looking at her wrong or saying something wrong. I don’t miss the constant nights crying myself to sleep. I don’t miss the nights she’d disappear till the next morning. I don’t miss being manip

ulated into someone I wasnt. I don’t miss reacting. I don’t miss having to not react even if I had every reason to. I don’t miss being broke with every weekend. I don’t miss the constant crazy making and lack of accountability.

This resonates so much with me.  When I was reading it, I felt like I had written it.   I really appreciate this forum, as it's helping me see the past 5 years of my life with much better resolution.