reversing a breakup

[tina7868]

Hi all! I haven't posted for a while. I have been navigating a situation with my ex with BPD, and think that advice from you on what might be going on with the optic of reversing this breakup would be helpful.

Basically, last I heard (a little over a month ago), my ex was seeing someone. We have both dated other people since we broke up, but this is the first time he drew boundaries with me in consequence; he said at that point he didn't want to see me anymore, or even talk to me. I respected that, and kept my distance. Then, about two weeks after saying this, my ex starts sending me sporadic texts. He wished me happy birthday, asked me what I did on my trip. I was confused, because I was under the impression he wanted to end communication. I felt like maybe I misunderstood what he said...There are "long" delays, maybe a week or two, between his messages. I have kept my replies short and polite. So far, he has been initiating, but there isn't much back and forth. For example, in our latest communication, he said he ran into someone we used to know at university back when we were together. I said "small world!" and he liked the message.

The pessimist in me feels like he is "poking" me. I have in the past been triggered by curt communication and would write long, awkward, vulnerable messages about how much I care for him. The optimist in me hopes that this "reset" can lead to new, healthier beginning.

I don't know what my steps forward should be. Any advice on how to proceed?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Keep doing what you’ve been doing with the minimal replies.

If he’s interested in rekindling the relationship, you will find out. PwBPD men often seem to enjoy the pursuit more than the actual relationship.

[tina7868]

Thanks Cat, I'll do that and keep you posted  .

I asked him how a project he has been working on for a while has been going, and he replied "all done handing it in in july". I congratulated him and left it at that.

[tina7868]

Update!

Since my last post, we exchanged a couple of messages. He asked me what have I been up to and how my move it going. I answered minimally, and then replied "You?". He hasn't replied to that and it's been a week  .

I will say that I am taking the time to notice my anxiety and negative thought patterns surrounding not getting a reply from him. I have kept busy, and I am trying to really think things through before taking any action.

My question is, I know he has an important meeting this monday. I'd like to wish him good luck, but given that I haven't received a response to my question, is it best to leave it alone?

[Atlantis8]

Hi Tina, how has Nc been going? New here and wondering how it’s worked out. Hope for the best!

[tina7868]

Hi Atlantis! My posts here (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=353545.0) are more up to date as to how things are going.

In summary, after exchanging a few more sporadic messages, I had a video call with my ex that I thought went fine. Afterwards, he went completely silent and may have blocked me, since the message I sent him didn't go through and he has blocked me in the past.

It's been about 5 weeks now and it is what it is. I have good days and less good days. I am focusing on myself as much as possible, furthering my career, hanging out with friends, and trying new recipes. One day at a time, I'm moving forward with an open heart and a lot of hope for a happier future, whatever that looks like

Hope everything is going okay with you! This forum is a great place to get honest, open feedback and the community is very accepting. Welcome!

[Atlantis8]

Hi Tina, glad to hear all is going well. Sometimes NC is a relief, at least that's what I have found. I started noticing that I became most anxious or down after texting or reaching out to me ex. Once I stop reaching out and focused on myself and enjoying life pre exwbpd, the memories slowly start fading and I somehow feel more at peace. Then once I reach out again, my anxiety starts up again. So I've decided going NC is best for me right now, for my own well being. Don't get me wrong, I would rather get a response with clarity, considering our child is involved, but learning to accept that's just who my ex is and expecting clear communication from him is like expecting my cat to talk to me LOL. Had to add some humor though the situation is really not funny at all and really sucks.

Glad you're making time for yourself and showing up for yourself. I hope each day brings you more strength. It's empowering almost, right?

Reading your posts, I could feel the pain and relate. We're left so confused and just like "what just happened". The discard comes so fast and unexpected, total ambush.  Its like words don't do it justice, only one who has experienced it would understand. Leaving someone confused and stonewalling is so unfair and just cold. I could never understand it or justify it because that's just not how I was raised. Even during conflict, my family always made a point to communicate, so I can't understand how someone could say they love you and then withhold love and communication. Like it makes zero sense to me.

As I heal, I'm starting to look inward and really question, "is this something I can deal with lifelong?" I want this person in my life but is it worth losing myself and risking my own mental health? That's not what I know love to be so why am I allowing myself to go through this? So many questions! Weeks ago, I would have answered immediately YES. These days, I'm starting to feel indifferent. But that's today, tomorrow I could regress as most mornings I still do but learning to pick myself back up.  I still hope for it but I'm no longer waiting around for it. Learning to lean into friends and family for support. My best friend is a guy who has always been really supportive of me (someone my ex wasn't fond of, who I almost ended the friendship with but now glad I didn't) has helped me remember who I am and how worthy I am of love and friendship. He has reminded me that it's not me and that my ex is just being really crappy to someone who has been really damn good to him and patient with him (11 years patient!). This guy friend is strictly a friend, more like a brother, so it's not a rebound or anything like that. But it's nice to have a male perspective and see that there are guys out there who can give those things, unfortunately, not the guy I fell for.