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Author Topic: An update…where is this going?  (Read 1414 times)
tina7868
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« on: August 01, 2022, 04:09:28 PM »

Hi everyone! After telling me he was dating someone else, and a few weeks of limited contact, my ex with BPD’s messages have evolved into being more « conversational », if random, like asking me how I am doing and sending me pictures he thinks I’d like.

They are pretty sporadic; sometimes he replies a couple of hours later, sometimes it takes him a few days. I have been tone matching to meet him where he is at. My goal is the build a healthy and more sustainable relationship with him that could be the basis for something romantic in the future. He hasn’t mentioned dating anyone (or anything other « serious » topic).

My question is, is there anything else I can do? From your experiences, does this seem like it’s heading in a good direction?
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« Reply #1 on: August 02, 2022, 09:59:42 AM »

Don't assume this dynamic is going to change, no matter how you change your behavior. 

He's treating you how he wants to treat you.  It's very immature and selfish. 

If you're looking for a healthy and sustainable relationship, he's basically telling you that's not the guy he is, without using words. 
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« Reply #2 on: August 02, 2022, 10:05:08 PM »

Agree wholeheartedly with PeteWitsendParagraph header (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #3 on: August 02, 2022, 11:25:54 PM »

So this behavior is more player like and not BPD related. Why would you want to have a romantic relationship with a guy like him...he can't be trusted. Plus you are essentially in a glass jar and a placeholder...break in case of emergency. Women just the same as men are guilty of this S Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) behavior. Don't be afraid to call it like you see it. Value yourself more. If you want to keep the lines of communication open...do so, but I highly recommend you focus on why you want a relationship with him and figure out if you deserve what he is able to provide.

Truly here to support you, but I will always provide a more realistic unbiased blunt approach.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
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Through Adversity There is Redemption!
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« Reply #4 on: August 03, 2022, 12:14:01 PM »

Thanks to everyone for the reality check! Honestly I think force of habit has sort of skewed my view of things. I wouldn’t want a friend to be treated this way. In my good moments I feel focused enough on myself that it doesn’t bother me, but when he texts me these odd messages or I feel stressed about something else, my mind wanders and I almost start thinking about him as a coping mechanism (an ineffective one obviously). I hope my growth in the past couple of months will win over these habitual tendencies.
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« Reply #5 on: August 27, 2022, 05:32:16 PM »

Update!

I am hanging in there. My emotions have been all over the place. I have managed to stay somewhat centered, I have kept busy, but do you know when something is nagging you in your brain?

I spoke to my ex last week. We said we’d speak and then he didn’t answer for a few days. When we did, he said he has a gf now, that he met her online and has been staying at her place. He called me the day he went back home. We had an short, friendly conversation. We caught up on. I was able to talk about a lot of changes I made in my life. I felt very stable and confident during the conversation, and didn't react to things that might have gotten a reaction out of me in the past (him talking about his gf, him saying he might visit).

I was reminded of how easy talking to him is. The truth is, I feel sad that he is seeing someone new. I feel like it took a while to sink in. The first few days after we spoke, I felt like I had finally let go, and then as time has passed I feel my anxiety climbing. I don’t want to waste my time waiting for another text from him. I miss talking to him, but I know that it doesn’t make sense to reach out when another person is involved. This person he is seeing is different than the one he spoke of a few months ago. I feel like he was looking for anyone to be with. Why not me? I know we are LD, that might play a part. I hope that all the changes in my life has got him thinking, but I know I can’t control that.

All of this is really weird, I feel tired. Why did he call me? I feel like I'm a broken record.
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« Reply #6 on: August 27, 2022, 05:41:31 PM »

Why did he call you?

For a source of narcissistic supply. Having multiple women who are interested in him is a way to feed his ego.

Healthy men have a strong enough self image that having female admirers is a plus, not necessarily a necessity, as with BPD men.
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« Reply #7 on: August 29, 2022, 09:30:22 AM »

What would the best course of action from my part be moving forward from a reconciliation standpoint? We haven’t spoken since our call (around 2 weeks ago).
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« Reply #8 on: August 29, 2022, 10:53:52 AM »

He is currently in a relationship and you are hoping to reconcile? Are you hoping for engaging romantically or just as a friend or as a friend with benefits or as a friend now, and hoping for a romance later?
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« Reply #9 on: August 29, 2022, 12:52:43 PM »

What would the best course of action from my part be moving forward from a reconciliation standpoint? We haven’t spoken since our call (around 2 weeks ago).

Generally, its worth noting that most relationships last less than 90 days. If you are thinking to wait him out, the best thing is to be attractive, be active, evolving, be friendly (not at all needy) and let him take the lead in setting the communication pace.  You guys have reconnected in the past and its possible you will do it again going forward.

But don't sit by the window and wait. That will be hard on you and unattractive to him.

I think you may also want to explore other possibilities for your love life. I'm not suggesting that you  jump into anything, just that you approach you life where one option is not getting back with him. Getting out and around will grow you, evolve you, and it will nake you more attractive to him and to others.  It's a win, win.

Does that make sense?



 
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tina7868
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« Reply #10 on: August 31, 2022, 09:37:14 AM »

Thank you for the replies!

Excerpt
Are you hoping for engaging romantically or just as a friend or as a friend with benefits or as a friend now, and hoping for a romance later?

I appreciate how you went through all the possibilities! I am hoping for a friend for now, and hoping for a romance later, with the understanding that there is only so much I can control.

Excerpt
Generally, its worth noting that most relationships last less than 90 days. If you are thinking to wait him out, the best thing is to be attractive, be active, evolving, be friendly (not at all needy) and let him take the lead in setting the communication pace.  You guys have reconnected in the past and its possible you will do it again going forward.

But don't sit by the window and wait. That will be hard on you and unattractive to him.

I think you may also want to explore other possibilities for your love life. I'm not suggesting that you  jump into anything, just that you approach you life where one option is not getting back with him. Getting out and around will grow you, evolve you, and it will nake you more attractive to him and to others.  It's a win, win.

Does that make sense?

It does make sense! It is a very palettable way of moving forward, your words resonate with me.

I recognize that I have put in a lot of work towards evolving, and becoming more open, instead of being stuck. I've come to realize (with some sadness) that even with all these changes, I am still...me. If the fundamental reasons we can't be together have more to do with these parts of me that make me who I am, then there is no way to change to that degree...and I don't even want to.
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« Reply #11 on: September 17, 2022, 08:10:39 AM »

Hi! I thought I'd write an update on how my life has been going since my last post. Your reflections have been helpful to me.

It's been about a month since my ex and I had that phone call. There has been NC since. On my end, I have been feeling a lot of different ways.

My "strong" state is when I am grateful for all the good things in my life (I have started making a daily list of what I appreciate), I am excited about my future, I understand that I can let go of things that I cannot control, such as what my ex does, and when I know that whatever happens in the future in regards to my ex, I will be fine. I go out and try new things, I feel good about myself.

My "weaker" state is when I have many instrusive thoughts about past memories with my ex. I idealize and romanticize what our relationship was, and feel very low. It is as though the situation is on my mind in the background. I used to default a lot to this lower state between cycles in the past. It's like a state of waiting. I notice that I get into this state mostly when my mind is not occupied, or after a few days of feeling better it is like a lot of this energy gets bottled up and it needs to be released.

I made the mistake of looking up my ex's new partner. At first I felt like I was clearly more attractive than this person, like there was nothing they had that I didn't. I feel very vain for having thought this way. I also don't understand why he would completely disappear after what I thought was a nice conversation. I recognize that these thoughts are useless. I feel like I want to distance myself from them.

I have moments where I realize, after 6 years of being in these cycles, I am free. I am lucky. People break up all the time, and they move on. Why am I having what feels like a lot more difficulty? Why did I get so crushed, especially if the relationship wasn't even a good one?
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« Reply #12 on: September 27, 2022, 10:21:03 AM »

Hi, Tina!  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I am very grateful that I stumbled upon your post. I am currently going through another breakup with my pwBPD girlfriend and ex-fiancé. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings and experiences in detail. It’s like preparing me for the worst possibility and that’s accepting the breakup and not fighting for it anymore.

To be honest, one of my driving force in order to stay in the relationship is hold onto how she’s capable of loving me. I would reminisce on how we started. How I miss that so much. Unfortunately things are different now. I keep pushing myself that the good still outweighs the bad. This makes it difficult for me to just let go and move on. It fuels me to stay. But my question all this time would be the following:

1. Can I live my life like this forever?
2. Will she get better on her own or is it possible to that with me in the picture?
3. Always hopeful that one day she can get better. But it would really be a gut wrenching blow if she’s already with someone else. When that could have been me.
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« Reply #13 on: September 27, 2022, 11:10:35 AM »

I think one of the most difficult concepts to accept about pwBPD is that the honeymoon phase is just…a phase. It’s so incredibly wonderful and the fulfillment of our most precious hopes and dreams, that it’s hard to come to terms that it was only available in the beginning, with small glimpses at times later in the relationship.

We often think that the individual we experienced during that phase was the *real person*, and the dysfunctional person that showed up later, was their *damaged self*. If only we could bring out the *real person* again, our lives would return to that magical place of happiness.

Sadly, the *real person* was a combination of a figment of our imagination and the pwBPD being on their best behavior, hoping that we’d accept them into our heart.

In retrospect, we can see the  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) we overlooked at the time: the too much intimacy—too soon, the history of failed relationships and betrayal, the damaged childhood.

We saw so much hope and optimism and felt that we’d met our soulmate, as our partner was successfully mirroring our interests and proclivities.

And once enthralled, it is so very hard to come to terms with seeing that they are so much more, so different, than what they presented in the beginning.

But that’s the crux of the issue. If we can fully embrace who they truly are, warts and all, then there is a hope of a successful relationship. If we can’t, and through wishful thinking hope that they someday will be *cured*, then we are bound to be forever disappointed and dissatisfied.
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« Reply #14 on: September 29, 2022, 08:29:07 AM »

Excerpt
But that’s the crux of the issue. If we can fully embrace who they truly are, warts and all, then there is a hope of a successful relationship. If we can’t, and through wishful thinking hope that they someday will be *cured*, then we are bound to be forever disappointed and dissatisfied.

This hits differently today. I know that I am someone who, once commited, would embrace the other person, remain loyal, and put in the work. I like that about myself.

But what I understand now is that 1) you cannot decide for the other person whether they want you in their life, 2) their decision doesn't have anything to do with me or affect my value, and 3) I very well may look back on this one day and be thankful that things worked out the day they did, because if the decision had been purely mine I would have stayed, and maybe have missed out on something better for me.
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« Reply #15 on: October 25, 2022, 01:35:59 PM »

He reached out. It was a short message. To me, it came off in a "data collection" tone, to see what I am up to. Here are my thoughts.

I came back to this thread and am reading over the advice that I was given here. I feel like what was said is sinking in more than before.  

Excerpt
He's treating you how he wants to treat you.  It's very immature and selfish. If you're looking for a healthy and sustainable relationship, he's basically telling you that's not the guy he is, without using words.  

Excerpt
Don't be afraid to call it like you see it. Value yourself more. If you want to keep the lines of communication open...do so, but I highly recommend you focus on why you want a relationship with him and figure out if you deserve what he is able to provide.

Excerpt
Getting out and around will grow you, evolve you, and it will make you more attractive to him and to others.  It's a win, win.

I feel like I have evolved over the past few months, to the point where I can finally see that I deserve better than this. I had allowed myself to be treated poorly. I had made excuse after excuse for him and his behaviour, and as a by product I lost a sense of myself.

I sense I am on the fence between still having hope for a relationship and detaching. I don't know if those are mutually exclusive though. Maybe I recognize that he was someone special to me, and I have hope to reconnect some day, but I choose to prioritize myself because I recognize an old pattern which indicates that nothing has changed on his end.

Excerpt
If we can fully embrace who they truly are, warts and all, then there is a hope of a successful relationship. If we can’t, and through wishful thinking hope that they someday will be *cured*, then we are bound to be forever disappointed and dissatisfied.

I can't help but wonder is how I am feeling not in line with embracing who he truly is? I don't hope for him to be cured. What I want is to not repeat a previous pattern that left me feeling so badly.

I guess my question is: does coming from a place of strength necessarily mean not responding?
« Last Edit: October 25, 2022, 01:46:50 PM by tina7868 » Logged
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« Reply #16 on: October 28, 2022, 03:59:49 AM »


I feel like I have evolved over the past few months, to the point where I can finally see that I deserve better than this. I had allowed myself to be treated poorly. I had made excuse after excuse for him and his behaviour, and as a by product I lost a sense of myself.

I second this. Eyeopening and learning about this condition has been a bumpy ride. On one hand, you tend to see that you are not the root cause of the problem, merely a trigger of their emotional response. On the other hand, what is finally seen cannot be unseen. That means, you cannot tolerate this blindly or think it's going to sort itself by long talks and agreements.

Excerpt
I sense I am on the fence between still having hope for a relationship and detaching. I don't know if those are mutually exclusive though. Maybe I recognize that he was someone special to me, and I have hope to reconnect some day, but I choose to prioritize myself because I recognize an old pattern which indicates that nothing has changed on his end.  

I am in the same place as you, it seems. I know my W was someone special to me. I still love her and find her attractive, after +20y of being together. Alas, I'm realizing that I am not satisfied myself in this and that our relationship has taken a big toll on me and my being.

It saddens me to say this, but I cannot see her as truly 'sane' person anymore. And I think she senses this. It's sad. I know I would have the energy and patience to support her on her journey of recovery - if she would take that first step and come out of the denial. While we can only change ourselves, there needs to happen a change for the other person if s/he is severely damaging the relationship that we want to be healthy. Otherwise we are left with trying and making more and more boundaries, getting distant, losing trust and support. YMMV, some can live with this, some cannot.

I am a fighter in life. I rarely, if ever, accept a defeat. There is always another way, another route to try, as long as we are alive. That's why this mental condition is a true mindf#k for me. Here, 1+1 does not equal 2 but some random number, can be 5, 23 or 87. I felt the door for a better life was around the corner and just needed a bit of understanding and mutual effort.

Excerpt
I can't help but wonder is how I am feeling not in line with embracing who he truly is? I don't hope for him to be cured. What I want is to not repeat a previous pattern that left me feeling so badly.
I guess my question is: does coming from a place of strength necessarily mean not responding?

Probably yes. You stop caring, you feel detached, you feel less and less emotionally invested.
« Last Edit: October 28, 2022, 04:19:32 AM by Manic Miner » Logged
tina7868
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« Reply #17 on: October 28, 2022, 09:56:17 AM »

Thank you for your reply!

Excerpt
That means, you cannot tolerate this blindly or think it's going to sort itself by long talks and agreements.

I definitely see the futility in long talks.

Excerpt
I am a fighter in life. I rarely, if ever, accept a defeat. There is always another way, another route to try, as long as we are alive.

Recently, my T made me write out my "core beliefs and values" and right up there was "never giving up". So I feel like I can relate to you on this mindset.

Excerpt
Probably yes. You stop caring, you feel detached, you feel less and less emotionally invested.

What is helpful about having posted here over the past few months is that I see a pattern in my own reaction after he reaches out (at least more recently when his responses were shorter). At first, I get really happy. Then, reality sinks in and I realize that what he said can be taken different ways. I make negative interpretations over what he says. I am hoping to feel my feelings and get to a better place before making a decision about what to do this time. I overthink the situation and feel pressure to somehow come up with a magical response that peaks his interest in me again, because it worked before, right? It is very against my instincts to be patient in that sense.
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« Reply #18 on: October 28, 2022, 12:13:28 PM »

How have the sporadic interactions with your ex improved your life?

In what ways would you say those interactions have been a negative?

Best,

FF
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« Reply #19 on: October 28, 2022, 02:51:46 PM »

Excerpt
How have the sporadic interactions with your ex improved your life?

In what ways would you say those interactions have been a negative?

They have not improved my life in any way other than keeping the door open. I also think I handled them well in the sense of emotional regulation when I was responding.

They have been negative because they caused me to overthink, feel saddened because I feel confronted by where we were vs. where we are now in terms of closeness(I think this point is the hardest), and give me something new to ruminate about (how should I respond? when? how long will he take to respond?).

I can see that I am clearly hurt. But you know, just a few months ago when he came we had a huge fight and he said he would never want to be with me again. The next month he called me and said I checked all the boxes and I was the only one for him. How can I give up when there is a chance that maybe things will change again? I am torturing myself, I know. I don't know how he could respect me again when I've accepted breadcrumbs over the past few months. I wish I was stronger.

I wish I could have the best of both worlds, meaning feeling detached from what he says in the now, not overthinking and focusing on myself, while keeping the door open for the future. 
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« Reply #20 on: October 28, 2022, 04:44:12 PM »

What is helpful about having posted here over the past few months is that I see a pattern in my own reaction after he reaches out (at least more recently when his responses were shorter). At first, I get really happy. Then, reality sinks in and I realize that what he said can be taken different ways. I make negative interpretations over what he says. I am hoping to feel my feelings and get to a better place before making a decision about what to do this time. I overthink the situation and feel pressure to somehow come up with a magical response that peaks his interest in me again, because it worked before, right? It is very against my instincts to be patient in that sense.

Same. When W shows her 'sane' side with empathy I get happy as a puppy. I literally think the world is open, the change is there, we can openly talk. But then the reality kicks in and not only that seems temporary, but usually happens when W wants something from me, a favour of some kind or to redeem herself for something bad she said when I didn't respond (no chance to put a blame on me).
Also when she texts me something nice, I almost feel pressured to respond the same way, to show that I care. I do feel she has overshadowed me. The way I behave around her or think... even though the reality is I have much more latent power. The sad thing is, I don't even want to play the power games at all. But for her, it's a staple food when feeling threatened/hurt/ashamed.
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« Reply #21 on: October 29, 2022, 10:07:45 AM »

Excerpt
Same. When W shows her 'sane' side with empathy I get happy as a puppy. I literally think the world is open, the change is there, we can openly talk. But then the reality kicks in and not only that seems temporary, but usually happens when W wants something from me, a favour of some kind or to redeem herself for something bad she said when I didn't respond (no chance to put a blame on me).
Also when she texts me something nice, I almost feel pressured to respond the same way, to show that I care. I do feel she has overshadowed me. The way I behave around her or think... even though the reality is I have much more latent power. The sad thing is, I don't even want to play the power games at all. But for her, it's a staple food when feeling threatened/hurt/ashamed.

Thank you for sharing your experience, Manic Miner. I'm sorry there are power games at play in your relationship. You seem to genuinely care about this person, and these dynamics take away from that.

I realized I had the belief that, if I could somehow "make it" and obtain a clear commitment from my now ex if he changed his mind again (whether that be a clear commitment to dating, being my boyfriend, marriage...), then everything else would get better because I wouldn't be confused. It seems like that belief is not necessarily true.

A lot of my overthinking about how I respond was oriented towards that outcome. It is hard to admit that, in a way, it was even manipulative on my end. I thought if I waited to the right amount of time, said the right words, peaked his interest, then I would set myself up towards achieving my desire. Not only does this not align with my values, but it also puts a heck of a lot of pressure on me to come up with the "right" response!
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« Reply #22 on: October 29, 2022, 10:24:56 AM »

I ended up sending a short response to his question, and saying that I hope he's doing well. I then threw my phone out the window (just kidding  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)). I let go of caring about how, when, if he responds.

It feels like my new mindset is something I have to "remind" myself of and actively put myself into on a daily basis. When I get busy and don't tune in to how I feel, I end up defaulting to old ways of thinking. I truly believe I can choose who I want to be. The way I see it, this is a simplication of my options:

1) Clinging and staying stuck to the past, overthinking how I respond to try and manipulate the outcome, placing my validation and happiness in the hands of someone else, putting them on a pedestal and myself down, worrying about how I come off, being afraid of the pain of letting go, being hard on myself, waiting

2) Feeling open to the future, having a sense of trust, embracing any pain I feel, letting go of a specific outcome and thus responding genuinely, taking any body else off the pedestal, remembering who I am, actively practicing a new mindset, being forgiving towards myself, not caring (being detached) from the perception of others, moving forward and being open to a new relationship without actively seeking one

3) Completely releasing any ties to the other person, recognizing that they were special to me but that a relationship with them no longer serves me, not engaging with them at all, closing that door and moving forward

Right now, I do not feel ready for 3), although a few months ago I would have been closed off to even writing that option down. I thought I was 2), but believe this past week I was acting more like 1). I strive for 2), and believe I can get back there, that it will take work but that I can do it.
« Last Edit: October 29, 2022, 10:45:28 AM by tina7868 » Logged
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« Reply #23 on: October 29, 2022, 10:58:43 AM »

I think wishful thinking is the most difficult habit for us to relinquish.

Yes, we have a memory of time when all seemed *perfect* in our relationship…and the belief that can recur again. Perhaps we’ve seen glimpses of it after the gloss of the honeymoon phase has faded, so we have renewed hope for its return.

Where our thinking becomes flawed, is the belief that if this *magic* has happened once, then it can happen *always*. And this belief we treasure…causes us to be hurt and disappointed over and over again, as reality bears no resemblance.

If we truly want to survive emotionally intact in a BPD relationship, we have to face reality honestly. What percentage of time have we experienced this *perfect* relationship? 5%? 15%? 30%?

When we are not experiencing this *magic* how actually healthy is our interaction with our partner?

Sometimes math serves a good wake up call. If the *magic* occasionally appears and the non-magical part of our relationship is still mostly OK, then it certainly seems worth pursuing. Otherwise…?

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« Reply #24 on: October 29, 2022, 11:13:36 AM »

They have not improved my life in any way other than keeping the door open.

Is it possible that by "keeping this door open", you are closing the door to other opportunities?

Best,

FF
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« Reply #25 on: October 29, 2022, 12:44:08 PM »

If we truly want to survive emotionally intact in a BPD relationship, we have to face reality honestly. What percentage of time have we experienced this *perfect* relationship? 5%? 15%? 30%?

When we are not experiencing this *magic* how actually healthy is our interaction with our partner?

I hear you. The problem arises when I start thinking where my W was right and I was wrong. And I connect those dots and start thinking 'if only I did this, maybe we wouldn't be here'. What could have been better, maybe then... etc.

So while the 'magic' side was 15-20% overall, there is a time when I think of myself as a fool that didn't take the opportunity, took it for granted or haven't realized something she told me before it was too late.
Of course, I completely forget things I *did* right that still weren't enough, but I can't help but think about my own faults. Because I *was* wrong many times. With pwBPD this is amplified tenfold, as they shrug off their own responsibility and treat you as the main culprit and the person who abandoned them. As a guy who is self-aware and analyzing, this can be torturing.
Whoever keeps diaries (I don't), they can be a lifesaver in these tough times.

A lot of my overthinking about how I respond was oriented towards that outcome. It is hard to admit that, in a way, it was even manipulative on my end. I thought if I waited to the right amount of time, said the right words, peaked his interest, then I would set myself up towards achieving my desire. Not only does this not align with my values, but it also puts a heck of a lot of pressure on me to come up with the "right" response!

Yes. You are probably hurting a lot and I sense you still have feelings for him. The best thing you can do right now is treat yourself well and let your feelings be. Let them flow, without trying to make sense or find the answer. Remember who you are, what you always have been, what you did best in the past and try to pull that to the present. Try to see and be the person you really are. Then stick to that as much as you can. You do things because of you, not to please anybody. I think when you are pure, not only you will feel better and in-sync with yourself more, but you will attract other people with similar interests as a consequence.
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« Reply #26 on: October 29, 2022, 03:00:19 PM »

Excerpt
Where our thinking becomes flawed, is the belief that if this *magic* has happened once, then it can happen *always*. And this belief we treasure…causes us to be hurt and disappointed over and over again, as reality bears no resemblance.

Excerpt
When we are not experiencing this *magic* how actually healthy is our interaction with our partner?

Excerpt
Sometimes math serves a good wake up call. If the *magic* occasionally appears and the non-magical part of our relationship is still mostly OK, then it certainly seems worth pursuing. Otherwise…?

I think I understand the point you are making here. Is the answer to accept that he may never pursue a relationship with me again, or that if he pursues a relationship with me in the future it might not be what I am hoping for?

Excerpt
Is it possible that by "keeping this door open", you are closing the door to other opportunities?

I think I've experienced being so caught up in my own head ruminating that I wasn't present. Joyful moments where I was traveling. Important moments where a friend was sharing something personal and I couldn't listen properly. I am making a lot of decisions to orient my career in such a way that I will have plenty of opportunity to travel. While it sounds really cool, and I might have chosen this path anyways, if I am being completely honest, my motivation behind this is it would be easy to move near him.

Excerpt
Of course, I completely forget things I *did* right that still weren't enough, but I can't help but think about my own faults. Because I *was* wrong many times. With pwBPD this is amplified tenfold, as they shrug off their own responsibility and treat you as the main culprit and the person who abandoned them. As a guy who is self-aware and analyzing, this can be torturing.

I feel for you. Dating other people, and even going through situations with friends, made me feel what it was like to be heard and understood and given the benefit of the doubt in these situations (even if I was at fault) instead of shut out and blamed and blocked.

Excerpt
Yes. You are probably hurting a lot and I sense you still have feelings for him. The best thing you can do right now is treat yourself well and let your feelings be. Let them flow, without trying to make sense or find the answer. Remember who you are, what you always have been, what you did best in the past and try to pull that to the present. Try to see and be the person you really are. Then stick to that as much as you can. You do things because of you, not to please anybody. I think when you are pure, not only you will feel better and in-sync with yourself more, but you will attract other people with similar interests as a consequence.

Thank you for these words. I feel peaceful reading them.

I think when I try to explain to my loved ones why I haven't completely blocked my ex, it frustrates them to see me expose myself to getting hurt. From their point of view, and quite honestly it is a valid reading of the situation, he purposefully shows up intermittently to play with my feelings, to see if I will react and pursue him again, which gives him an ego boost. He doesn't disappear completely because he knows I will always play into things. All the while not having any intention of a serious relationship. While there may be truth to this, I guess the wishful thinking Cat wrote about comes into play, as I hope that if I am solid and genuine, I can be direct enough should such a situation arise to deal with things and not read into inconsequential actions on his part as I have before.
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« Reply #27 on: October 29, 2022, 03:06:47 PM »

The problem arises when I start thinking where my W was right and I was wrong. And I connect those dots and start thinking 'if only I did this, maybe we wouldn't be here'. What could have been better, maybe then... etc.

Most of us here on this forum would fit the term *people pleasers* or codependent. Because of that, we are willing to do some soul searching to look for how our behavior contributes to relationship problems. That is a good thing...to a degree. The problem arises when we take too much responsibility for issues. Ask yourself if your partner also feels accountable for their part, and if not, then why are you taking more responsibility than is your share?

So while the 'magic' side was 15-20% overall, there is a time when I think of myself as a fool that didn't take the opportunity, took it for granted or haven't realized something she told me before it was too late.

This is veering into magical thinking and again, shouldering too much responsibility for how things turned out. When we think we can control the outcome of our interaction with our partner, we are assuming that we have more power in our relationship than our partners do.

What "opportunity" didn't you take? What did you take for granted? What didn't you realize before it was too late?

If you look back honestly at your history, you probably did the best you could at the time, with what you knew then. Why judge your previous self with what you know now?




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« Reply #28 on: October 29, 2022, 03:16:38 PM »

I think I understand the point you are making here. Is the answer to accept that he may never pursue a relationship with me again, or that if he pursues a relationship with me in the future it might not be what I am hoping for?

Dr. Maya Angelou once said, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” He has shown you exactly who he is, over and over, yet you still harbor a fantasy that if you were somehow better, more present, more something, then maybe things would turn out differently, and he would fully commit and the two of you would have a wonderful life together.

What he has shown you is that he dangles an opportunity for an on again/off again relationship with you and so far, you've still been interested. This is likely all that he's willing to offer. This might work for some, but I suspect that you want more.


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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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« Reply #29 on: October 29, 2022, 04:23:11 PM »

Excerpt
Dr. Maya Angelou once said, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” He has shown you exactly who he is, over and over, yet you still harbor a fantasy that if you were somehow better, more present, more something, then maybe things would turn out differently, and he would fully commit and the two of you would have a wonderful life together

I agree with you. The more something also includes my physical attractiveness. I will join what Manic Miner said in that it feels like a missed "opportunity" every time he reappears in my life.

Excerpt
What he has shown you is that he dangles an opportunity for an on again/off again relationship with you and so far, you've still been interested. This is likely all that he's willing to offer. This might work for some, but I suspect that you want more.

You suspect correctly. Especially over the past few months, I have nurtured respect and compassion towards myself, and would rather be single and focused on my career.

A few questions come to mind. We haven't even broached the topic of a relationship for many months. When I have spoken to him I believe I have remained calm and collected. Is meerly responding to him what shows that I am still interested? Is it something he can just tell?

Is this being all he is willing to offer my fault (since he has committed to a new girlfriend) because I always welcomed him back?
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