What sort of therapy is best for the adult child of a BPD mum.?

[Wend A]

At 50 I finally recognise my mum has BPD and it’s been painfully enlightening to suddenly understand what a huge impact this has had on my entire life, mental health, well being, failed relationships, zero self esteem..… every single part of my life in fact.

I have decided to seek therapy to undo the damage….. but am overwhelmed and confused by the many “types” out there. 

I wondered if anyone has had professional therapy and if so what kind is most suitable for the adult child oh a BPD mum?

[Riv3rW0lf]

I would look for a therapist with strong experience in trauma,and one that is aware of C-PTSD... Usually, for childhood trauma, from what I gathered, there is no one size fit all, and a therapist specialized in trauma will have many tools in his/her bad to help you...

[Methuen]

When I switched T's, I had two criteria:  I had to feel comfortable with this person, and they needed experience with BPD.

I phoned around a bit.  Talked to several T's on the phone.  Got a first impression.  Made an appointment.  After 2 visits, knew I had the wrong T, and tried again.  Then I got one that has been super helpful, and I've been seeing for coming up to 3 years I think.

A T having experience with BPD is a must IMHO.  Just my two bits.

[butter81fly]

Also if the therapist has experience/knowledge of attachment that would be helpful too...

[Wend A]

one that is aware of C-PTSD...

Thank you.  What is cptsd please?  Childhood trauma ….. is that what I have?  I’m not saying I don’t, I’m very new to even recognising the devastating impact Mums BPD had on me in particular (other family members too, but they were all adults).  It seems like a really dramatic term that I don’t feel “worthy of” if that makes sense?

Thank you for taking the time to reply x

[Riv3rW0lf]

I don't think C-PTSD has been officially accepted yet? Someone else might know more about it. But it is definitely gaining in momentum and one of the books recommended on here is what explained it best to me: From surviving to thriving.

The best way for me to explain it is with an example. When I last went to my mother, she had some emotional dysregulation and screamed at me, and within seconds, I started feeling very small, like a young child. And my emotions did not match what was happening in the present. I am a grown adult, but somehow, I felt small. I have children, a good life, but somehow I felt scared, lonely and depressed. And while her crisis are a main trigger for me, they are not the only ones.

C-PTSD stands for complexe PTSD. Basically, it is how events in the present can set off a range of emotions that comes from the past and that you might have gone through as a young child, and so, you find yourself being that scared, lonely child again and again, if that makes sense? 

Like someone who is PTSD from war, but for us, it is emotional, and from our childhood, with no visual.  But you definitely don't feel in the present anymore. 

Maybe someone else can explain it better than me?

The book was a great start for my own journey, I recommend looking it up.

[Wend A]

From surviving to thriving.

The best way for me to explain it is with an example. When I last went to my mother, she had some emotional dysregulation and screamed at me, and within seconds, I started feeling very small, like a young child. And my emotions did not match what was happening in the present.

Oh WOW, that helps so much! Yes, my mum does this all the time & I am instantly a helpless child.  But also…. My reactions to other triggers can be irrational.  Just yesterday I was “dumped” after only a short term thing….. my emotions & sheer anguish are totally disproportionate to what is actually happening.  I feel like I’m stunted in a 2yr olds reaction to things & that my world is crashing down around me.  I can SEE I’m reacting like this but do not know how to react like an adult.  Thanks mum!

Will look up the book now, thank you x

[beatricex]

Hi Wend A,
You found the right place, there are a ton of resources here.  I have an undiagosed BPD mother and have been through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for trauma.  I would also highly recommend Gestalt Therapy, if you have access to that.  Also, I highly recommend hypnotherapy if available where you live.

I think meeting with a therapist will be good for you because they can focus on what your immediate need is.  Are you in crisis, for example?  Are you having insomnia or nightmares?  Anxiety?  Depression?  Do you need to distance yourself immediately from an abusive relative because that person is harming you (physically and/or emotionally)?  What's going on right now? 

Kudos for taking the first step to well-being.  It is brave and kind of you.  You are being kind to yourself, asking for help.   

b

[Kaufmann]

I would not worry too much about the "type" of therapy, as most therapies are essentially doing the same thing and can treat different problems with equal efficacy. I would recommend finding a therapist who knows about complex trauma and about personality disorders. Then meet with the therapist and let your gut tell you whether you like them, feel safe with them, etc.