Could it have been me all along?

[WhatToDo47]

This is so helpful, and still applies years down the line. My ex also said that she was “so lonely” and that I just worked all the time (which I didn’t, I worked the normal 40 hrs and only took OT after she approved each and every shift first, I always deferred to her and her needs before accepting a shift). She also spend WAY more than we were bringing in and kept quitting her jobs in very dramatic ways (eg going to lunch and never coming back, and taking all of her benzo pills on the way out as a suicide attempt which she then said wasn’t once we already took her to the ER), while also demanding that we saved up enough to buy a very expensive house and pay off all our debt within an unrealistically short amount of time and also go on expensive domestic and international travel multiple times a year. Especially this post helped:

“Are you wondering what you did wrong or are you wondering if she is a Borderline?

Presumably you have read the DSM and she checks at least 5 of the criteria?

If so, then nothing you could have done would have saved the relationship.

Anything you did or would have done would have been insufficient.

Even if you had given up your job and spent all your time with her she still would have been unhappy, she still would have taken it out on you, and eventually she still would have gone off with someone else. She would just give different reasons for doing so.

Don't torture yourself with these questions. If she is a Borderline then it was doomed from the start.”
Mod note: split from original 2007 thread Could it have been me all along?

[SinisterComplex]

This is so helpful, and still applies years down the line. My ex also said that she was “so lonely” and that I just worked all the time (which I didn’t, I worked the normal 40 hrs and only took OT after she approved each and every shift first, I always deferred to her and her needs before accepting a shift). She also spend WAY more than we were bringing in and kept quitting her jobs in very dramatic ways (eg going to lunch and never coming back, and taking all of her benzo pills on the way out as a suicide attempt which she then said wasn’t once we already took her to the ER), while also demanding that we saved up enough to buy a very expensive house and pay off all our debt within an unrealistically short amount of time and also go on expensive domestic and international travel multiple times a year. Especially this post helped:

“Are you wondering what you did wrong or are you wondering if she is a Borderline?

Presumably you have read the DSM and she checks at least 5 of the criteria?

If so, then nothing you could have done would have saved the relationship.

Anything you did or would have done would have been insufficient.

Even if you had given up your job and spent all your time with her she still would have been unhappy, she still would have taken it out on you, and eventually she still would have gone off with someone else. She would just give different reasons for doing so.

Don't torture yourself with these questions. If she is a Borderline then it was doomed from the start.”

Whattodo...you will see many posts from me referencing the bottom line that is the ink is already dry. The point is the story is already written and you just don't know it yet. This is why I say to members here that the whole love conquers all mentality is foolish and ultimately a destructive mind set because that is fairy tale thinking, not reality.

The story will typically always be the same. The only thing you can change and control is YOU and YOUR PART in the relationship. Nothing else.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[WhatToDo47]

Whattodo...you will see many posts from me referencing the bottom line that is the ink is already dry. The point is the story is already written and you just don't know it yet. This is why I say to members here that the whole love conquers all mentality is foolish and ultimately a destructive mind set because that is fairy tale thinking, not reality.

The story will typically always be the same. The only thing you can change and control is YOU and YOUR PART in the relationship. Nothing else.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

You are so right. I only learned of BPD's existence after my exWBPD left, but the more I learn about BPD, read on here, talk to my T, others who have been through it, the more right I realize you are. Thanks for helping me see the light. Hopefully I can help others now, too.

It's so confusing and agonizing until you wrap your mind around it, that the ink is dry and the cycles set, and even then it's still hard.

But you're right, all we can control is what WE do and our reaction to it. The cycles will continue over and over and over. WE get to choose when we've had enough and set boundaries and choose a healthier life.

Supposedly, they can manage the disease with years of DBT therapy, but my therapist and close friend who is a psychiatrist with decades of experience both tell me how rare this is and that it can only happen if the pwBPD is the one leading the process, usually after they hit rock bottom. And certain factors in my ex (NPD/HPD comorbidities, enabling family who is also PD, multiple suicide attempts, severe lack of empathy and memory loss, etc) make that less likely.

When I fist came here, I was very upset whenever someone suggested I played a part, but we all did. We chose to stick around and take the abuse. Never again.

[once removed]

if i hadnt been who i was, at the place that i was, at the time, the relationship never would have happened. the draw never would have been there, for either of us.

thats why it was doomed from the start. because we were two young, needy, immature people. not because of bpd.

and of course, in retrospect, there were many things i did wrong. mistakes made that i would not want to repeat in future relationships, or any relationship.

that wasnt helpful for me to think about in the early stages of my breakup. at a certain point though, the relationship was over, and the lessons to be learned, about me, were all that was left. at a certain point, chocking the failure of the relationship up to bpd became something of a crutch. mind you, there are people that have been in relationships with people with bpd for decades. BPD, and really any mental illness, put unique stressors on a relationship, and BPD especially can be brutal, but it wasnt until i looked at the unique differences between us, our interpersonal dynamics, that i really began to detach from the relationship, and from its outcome, and emotionally move on to something far greater.

it always has been me all along. each relationship has blessed me, taught me things, and, ultimately, for important reasons, failed. that relationship, while it really did a number on me, was no different.

[WhatToDo47]

While I agree with you, and definitely think we have to learn from these experiences so as not to repeat the pattern again just with someone new, I think it's important for people with tendencies like me (never give up, I can fix anything mentality) to realize that BPD CANNOT be fixed by love and that ALL BPD relationships are doomed to fail unless they go through years of DBT therapy. Whether they fail in 1 month, 1 year, or 30 years, they fail. I realize this is personal, but I also consider a relationship that involves cheating, abuse, lying, etc to be a failed relationship.

I don't mean this in a sense that we have no accountability or ability to prevent this in the future, but, for me, FINALLY accepting that BPD is real and that, try as I might, I can't love/communicate/will it away, that is what is allowing me to finally let go and move on - taking the personal responsibility to say that BPD is real, she has it, and I don't want a life of what a BPD relationship is.

[StartingHealing]

WhatToDo47,

This is what I have come to in my own situation. 

Yes, I had a part to play in the relationship but we were playing with different rules.

Coming to a place of acceptance that no matter what I did, didn't do, provide, didn't provide, nothing mattered to her and her illness.  That was a bitter pill to swallow.

I've watched videos, read books, all attempting to get a handle on WTF was going on with the relationship.  I cannot tell you the amount of hours spent in deep study, all trying to get my mind wrapped around it. 

Ultimately, in my case, attempting to be as objective as possible, she had a fantasy, a movie, and she was doing everything possible to ensure that her fantasy was translated into reality. As an object in her fantasy, my expected roles changed in an instant.  Yep, the idealization phase which was interspersed with low level episodic abuse.  Intermittent reinforcement you know? 

For me, the reason that I stayed, was multiple factors, one was the normalization that she did.  Mind you it took years of her gradually increasing abuse for her to mind-f me.   Then add in a work place accident that did damage one of her legs to an extent that she does have medical limitations on it.  Which she used as an excuse to not do anything that she didn't want to do at the moment.

From reading other posts on here, I admit that I'm lucky in that I do not miss her.  I do not want her back.  Honestly, if I found out that she took a long walk off a short pier and is no longer of this realm, that would be perfectly fine with me.  I'm currently in court mandated NC and I will take the necessary steps to remain NC.  The divorce paperwork will be filed sometime this week.  Ironic that she was the one that was forcibly escorted off my property on June 26th of this year. 

I will take as long as needed to heal, to integrate the lessons, and then, perhaps I'll start dating again. 

I will say, that I have found myself in the midst of reciprocal flirting with several attractive women on different days, times, locations, and that was soo affirming to me.   Honestly, having an attractive gal show interest in that manner, did me good. 

The advice you received is solid.  I'm going to be taking that advice when I start the dating dance once again.

Peace

[WhatToDo47]

WhatToDo47,

This is what I have come to in my own situation. 

Yes, I had a part to play in the relationship but we were playing with different rules.

Coming to a place of acceptance that no matter what I did, didn't do, provide, didn't provide, nothing mattered to her and her illness.  That was a bitter pill to swallow.

I've watched videos, read books, all attempting to get a handle on WTF was going on with the relationship.  I cannot tell you the amount of hours spent in deep study, all trying to get my mind wrapped around it. 

Ultimately, in my case, attempting to be as objective as possible, she had a fantasy, a movie, and she was doing everything possible to ensure that her fantasy was translated into reality. As an object in her fantasy, my expected roles changed in an instant.  Yep, the idealization phase which was interspersed with low level episodic abuse.  Intermittent reinforcement you know? 

For me, the reason that I stayed, was multiple factors, one was the normalization that she did.  Mind you it took years of her gradually increasing abuse for her to mind-f me.   Then add in a work place accident that did damage one of her legs to an extent that she does have medical limitations on it.  Which she used as an excuse to not do anything that she didn't want to do at the moment.

From reading other posts on here, I admit that I'm lucky in that I do not miss her.  I do not want her back.  Honestly, if I found out that she took a long walk off a short pier and is no longer of this realm, that would be perfectly fine with me.  I'm currently in court mandated NC and I will take the necessary steps to remain NC.  The divorce paperwork will be filed sometime this week.  Ironic that she was the one that was forcibly escorted off my property on June 26th of this year. 

I will take as long as needed to heal, to integrate the lessons, and then, perhaps I'll start dating again. 

I will say, that I have found myself in the midst of reciprocal flirting with several attractive women on different days, times, locations, and that was soo affirming to me.   Honestly, having an attractive gal show interest in that manner, did me good. 

The advice you received is solid.  I'm going to be taking that advice when I start the dating dance once again.

Peace

Sounds like very similar dynamics to my relationship. We were definitely just a character in their fantasy, dissociated stories. Mine also would get a lot of work injuries, which I now think were mostly faked for attention/so she could quit without having to face the fact that she kept quitting jobs.

The abuse is definitely insidious and uses intermittent reinforcement, a strong conditioning method that indeed results in our minds being warped. Crazy making for sure.

It sounds like you're doing a great job detaching and healing, and looking towards the future. Keep up the great work, my friend!

[finallyout]

if i hadnt been who i was, at the place that i was, at the time, the relationship never would have happened. the draw never would have been there, for either of us.

thats why it was doomed from the start. because we were two young, needy, immature people. not because of bpd.

Once removed,

Thank you very much for that!

When I met my ex, I was myself very troubled. I did a lot of mistakes and contributed actively to the misery I found my self living at the end of the relationship. Yes she had BPD but that does not mean that this was the only reason why things fell apart at the end. This relationship taught a lot about myself and about the world. I see things now very differently than I did back then.

Yes, if I were not who I was, I would not have experienced what I had experienced.

[WhatToDo47]

Once removed,

Thank you very much for that!

When I met my ex, I was myself very troubled. I did a lot of mistakes and contributed actively to the misery I found my self living at the end of the relationship. Yes she had BPD but that does not mean that this was the only reason why things fell apart at the end. This relationship taught a lot about myself and about the world. I see things now very differently than I did back then.

Yes, if I were not who I was, I would not have experienced what I had experienced.

Very well said and this shows alot of emotional maturity and insight. Same goes for me and my ex. If I were even half as healthy or mature as I am now, our relationship never would have happened. I was in an emotionally wounded place, a rescuer, and needing validation, and naive. A perfect recipe to fall prey to BPD idealization.

Never again.