Flying monkeys

[zachira]

Once again my NPD sister's flying monkeys are reaching out to me, acting like they are my friends, trying to find out what I am up to. I have been emotionally, financially, and physically abused by my sister. I don't have anybody stepping up to help me. None of the family members except one distant cousin believe my side of the story, so I no longer tell them anything. I always used to wonder why people treated me like dirt, when I had not seen them for a long time, and nothing had really happened for them to be mad at me. It has taken me nearly my whole life to realize my sister has been running a smear campaign against me since childhood. She is a golden child of the extended family and I am one of the six generations of scapegoats. Until I can financially and legally divorce myself from my sister which I am working on, I am stuck being polite to the flying monkeys, though I gray rock them as much as possible, and give them no information that could be of us to my sister in abusing me. Thank you for reading this and listening. It is so heartbreaking. I heard from one flying monkey yesterday, one today, and a couple of days ago figured out that another person is also a flying monkey. Now I can move on and enjoy the rest of my day.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Zachira,

It feels like your sister can almost feel when you start doing better and unleashes her monkeys on you at those moments. Like a cyclic dance of abuse that you refuse to dance with her... It takes an incredible amount of strength not to engage.

Know that I wish I could step in to help you. From where I am though, the only thing I can do is to send you support and let you know that you are not alone. I am on this journey right next to you, and send you lots of healing thoughts.

 

[zachira]

Riv3rWOlf,
You are absolutely right that my NPD sister is missing the power she used to hold over me, and nothing upsets a narcissist more than to see their victim doing well.
I appreciate your response and empathy. I have to keep reminding myself that with people who do not know my dsyfunctional abusive family members and their flying monkeys how different it feels.

[Notwendy]

I am so sorry. I think the hard part for me is that, the flying monkeys haven't mistreated me in a similar way. When they contact me, it reminds me of the potential for connection, but I can't trust that they actually want to have a relationship with me or are being put up to it in some way by BPD mother. I also know that anything I say to them will be shared with her. Their connection to her makes it impossible to trust them, even if they are being sincere.

So, even if they, themselves, are not disordered, it's not possible to have a genuine relationship with them. I find myself being cordial but keep a distance.

I understand how it bothers you to feel that way.

[Notwendy]

One example for me is that, BPD mother has not asked me to visit her but has been asking golden child to visit for months.

There was a time  I visited, her neighbors had a get together. She went but didn't invite me. I was puzzled by this because I know these neighbors and actually wanted to see them, so it felt hurtful to not be invited. I spoke to one of them later to see if there was some reason I could clear up- did I accidentally offend someone or other problem and the reply was "you were invited- we thought you could not come". So- actually it was BPD mother's decision to not invite me.

BPD mother called me recently to invite me to another neighborhood get together. I think I know why she did this. I think the neighbor said something to her to be sure to let me know I was invited as they now know she didn't pass on the invite before. I think that probably embarrassed her ( she got caught in her own story that I wasn't able to attend) so she calls me all cheery to invite me.

I do have other plans at that time. Actually, I wouldn't go if I didn't, because I know this invite is not sincere. If she's been asking golden child to visit for weeks but not me - I know that's what she wants. She didn't want to invite me to visit with her neighbors before this. I can't tell if she wants me to come or she just doesn't want it to get back to them that she doesn't but I tend to think she's covering her tracks.

The neighbors aren't flying monkeys. They are nice people and I like them. Unfortunately, they too, are caught up in a social situation between us with my mother in the middle and it becomes a triangle.

I think it comes down to - whether or not someone is a flying monkey, being in the same social circle with a disordered person involved disordered dynamics in some way.

[zachira]

"Being in the same social circle with a disordered person involves disordered dynamics in some way."

Notwendy,
You have hit the nail on the head with this quote. It perfectly describes the frustration I feel of constantly having to deal with my disordered family members and their flying monkeys. If I am with a person who does not know anybody from my disordered family's social circle, I know that whatever happens with this person, has nothing to do with my disordered family members. Within the social circle of my disordered family members, most of the time I come in with the disadvantage of having a bad reputation, though not always. There are people who are not recruited by the disordered family members and are the ones that treat me with kindness and respect, and can become friends. These same people do not side with me, which makes me feel alone sometimes, yet I realize I don't want friends who would buy into a smear campaign, and these people judge others based on their experiences with them. It also can make me feel quite alone sometimes, knowing that my disordered family members don't treat people outside the family and those family members chosen to be part of the golden children gang and enablers, in the same cruel ways as the scapegoats like me get treated. At the same time, there are people who really do get it from day one. I am acquiring more and more this astuteness right out of the gate, where I see a person for who they really are almost immediately, and it is a great skill to have. So often people want to believe in the image a person is selling of herself/himself. I now know that the really genuine people who are comfortable in their own skin, are so open about who they are and what they value in both their emotional expressions and body language, are the kind of people I love to have as friends. I really can't have it both ways: be part of a group of people who defend me no matter what my disordered family members say about me or be part of a circle of friends who choose to judge a person based on their experiences with them.
You really get your mother and what goes on behind the scenes. Your story about how your mother covered her tracks after you figured out that she deliberately did not invite you to the neighbors' get together is like what I have experienced so many times. Sometimes I feel so angry about how I get treated by my disordered family members and their flying monkeys. Other times I feel sad for the disordered family members and their flying monkeys, because of how they are missing out on having the most rewarding of authentic relationships with themselves and others.

[Notwendy]

She's being nice and sweet now, and that's a challenge- because I wonder what she's up to. I think it's a no win situation for me. If I visit, she's difficult and tells me I have upset her. If I don't visit- then I am the one to blame for not visiting.

And sadly - even if someone isn't a flying monkey and they reach out to me, I can't know for sure if she hasn't put them up to it. She does this to me as well. Tell me that someone would love to hear from me and ask me to call them. But they probably didn't say that and also- they have my number- they know how to reach me. Or the opposite- tell someone to not speak to me.

It's hard to know what she has in mind because, she's already planned it out. I don't think about people like she does. I just know that when she's nice, it's usually manipulative. I just know from experience to be wary of people in her circle now- they may be flying monkeys but also they can be nice people who go along with her because of that.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
If you are involved with a person who is part of your mother's social circle, you can only imagine what she has told them about you. With time and experience with your mother, some of them will likely catch onto what kind of person your mother is and not like how she is treating her daughter.The sad part is nobody is going to tell you that they get it because it is taboo to tell another person that they dislike the behaviors of the person's mother. If it were a friend, coworker, a more distant relative etc., that were doing what your mother is to you, there would likely be people who would get it and let you know at some point.
As far as your mother not wanting you at the neighbor's get together, it must be disturbing to your mother to have others see you as a separate person from her and a worthy person in your own right. It goes against your mother's deep seated belief that you are an extension of her, so she can treat you how she feels about herself in the moment.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi zachira, 

I always hated The Wizard of Oz. Flying monkeys...doing the bidding of someone else.

How amazing that you recognized them so soon and sorta brushed them off as having no power over you, like flies buzzing around. When you first came here, you didn't know how to get away from them. Look at your progress! 

 
Wools

[zachira]

Woolspinner2000,
I am a work in progress. I have come a long ways and still have a long ways to go. It saddens me that I had parents and family members who were too inmature themselves to help me grow into a healthy adult. I am grateful that I have woken up, feel alive and happy most of the time. I know that there are many people who come from dysfunctional abusive families who end up in terrible places: prison, homeless, etc.,
How are you doing?

[Notwendy]

Yes, I have heard a few things she has said about me to her circle-only a few, so I know there has to be more that I don't know.

It's why I just keep an emotional distance. Cordial and polite to them but distant.

[zachira]

Just found out one of the flying monkeys has done something to my property. The person is friendly with my sister. I can never win. I just feel so heartbroken.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Something like vandalism? Or did they enter again without your permission?

[zachira]

Stole one of the locks!
I feel like it never ends having to stand up to the flying monkeys. I do get results though in that some people act better because they know they can't get away with mistreating me and being unfair to me. The flying monkeys take such a big toll on my mental and physical health!
It is a long road with all the legal hurdles I have in my path. Today I need a good cry, and then I will be back to baseline and moving forward.

[Riv3rW0lf]

On another thread, I was discussing how the confusion seems to even worsen the hurt sometimes. Even though we "know" what to expect, those kind of attacks are still surprising because healthy people can't understand the whys behind those hurtful insults and actions... Stealing things, throwing things on a yard "anonymously", sending letter upon letter of insults. It is exhausting and confusing.

I don't know... most of healthy individuals can let go, and the fact that disordered people don't, and how they choose to attack, I find are confusing for us. And this confusion, it raises the level of the hurt, anger, and feeling of unfairness of it all.

I think the only thing you can be sure of is : you didn't deserve any of this. Those kind of things should not happen and would not happen within a healthy circle, and it is terrible to be forcibly attached to a circle of disordered individuals, and having to go through those random attacks.

I can imagine how you feel... It is a breach of privacy, an action that messes with your sense of security. You have a right to feel safe in your own home and it is terrible that they are trying to rip this security from you.

I hope you can be free of it all soon.

[Notwendy]

Seriously, what is wrong with people!

[zachira]

Notwendy,
The people I am dealing with are strongly indoctrinated into narcissistic family and community systems. If the members were ever to stand up for themselves or someone else, than they would be ostracized and smeared just as I have been.

[zachira]

Riv3rWOlf,
Thank you for understanding how much this all hurts.
I hope that before I die I will be free from the legal responsiblities I have with the people who smear and abuse me. Legal matters take time and cost lots of money. I have a lawyer who can only do what the law allows. I am not independently wealthy so my options are limited by lack of money to just put everything in to the hands of my lawyer.

[zachira]

I am facing I may have to go no contact with all of the family members and their flying monkeys when my legal matters are settled which won't be happening soon enough. It means I will not have any blood relatives in my life. I seem to be the only one who gets it, who is willing to stand up for myself and others being abused.
What keeps me going, is how differently I get treated by people who are not in my family's social circle. It brings tears to my eyes knowing I cannot really count on anyone with a connection to my family's social circle. They are like the mafia. The damage they do to anybody who exposes them is unrelenting and extremely cruel. I exposed a relative a few years ago who bought a tomb stone for her son knowing that he was suicidal. Some other family members took a relative with Alzheimer's and difficulty walking on a hike on an icy mountain, and then blamed him for endangering everybody else. I am finding myself more bored and uninterested in all the bragging, and stone cold lack of empathy. I listened to some eulogies and talks about the lives of deceased family members, and I was shocked at how all they could talk about were accomplishments and facts, and there was nothing said about what kind of person he/she was. I think I am becoming more bored and uninterested in being around the family; grey rocking and low contact are becoming more comfortable for me. Maybe at some point, I will naturally just disappear from the family social circle, not be missed, and nor miss any of them.

[zachira]

The flying monkeys have gotten together with my abusers and the photos are on social media. It is very clear that everyone who I used to think was maybe a friend of mine in the family is a flying monkey. All the people who have been contacting me over the past few years pretending to be interested in my life, are flying monkeys. I am heartbroken yet I am glad to know the truth. No more sharing anything with the flying monkeys, and I am going to go as low contact as possible.
I have never been a part of the family and often wondered why I was not interested in going to family events in the ways other people were. At some level, I knew I was a scapegoat.
I am going to get my will done and leave the little that I do have to charity. I am going to work on building my own family with people I am not related to who are capable of empathy, reciprocal relationships, and have integrity.
I may be crying a lot the next few days, something my family members can't do, and then I will move on. I am already able to have more genuine peace and happiness than my family members who are so invested in the toxic narcissistic 6 generation narratives that some people are to be worshipped and others have to be the scapegoats.

 

[Notwendy]

It's still a sting when they all get together. It's a loss, even if it wasn't worth the emotional investment. One reason for feeling discomfort around people in my mother's circle is that, I don't really know what they think of me, as they mainly hear her perspective of me.

I also haven't felt as if I am part of the family around her FOO. This is a contrast to my father's family. My mother's family seems to act as if we are secondary to their interests. The adults in my Dad's family treated us as if we were their own kids. I don't think this is completely intentional on my mother's side- I think it might be in their capacity to relate to people, maybe? They aren't bad people, they aren't mean. There's a bit of a narcissistic streak to them. As kids, I recall really wanting to fit in with them, to belong, but it seemed out of reach. With Dad's family, that wasn't even a thought. They loved us as kids, we belonged. Getting together with them is easy.

I think it's more about how people relate to each other. It may feel that you are excluded from your relatives' circle, and that hurts, but dysfunction isn't just with you. Now they can be dysfunctional together. You don't want to be a part of that.

Zachira- I hope in time you will connect with people who are your circle- a separate one from the people in your family. Family doesn't have to be related by birth.

Take care of yourself.

[Mommydoc]

Hi Zachira, I am so sorry this is happening again and that it is such a difficult time for you. If only, your legal issues could be resolved so you could break free. It will happen with time, but it doesn’t make it easier in the moment.

I am facing I may have to go no contact with all of the family members and their flying monkeys when my legal matters are settled which won't be happening soon enough. It means I will not have any blood relatives in my life. I seem to be the only one who gets it, who is willing to stand up for myself and others being abused.

Our situations are so similar, I have come to the same conclusion.  I don’t have as extensive a family as you, as my parents were both only children. My sister has developed superficial relationships with many of our second cousins and so I avoid them for that reason. Currently my sister isn’t even cooperating with the trust attorney to sign basic documents, it seems as a tactic to punish me. Once my mother passes away, it will likely take 6 months- a year to work through our legal requirements of settling her trust as co-trustees. I am mentally preparing myself for my mom to die, but dreading the aftermath with my sister and having to deal with my personal grief at the same time my sister will probably be at her worst. She severely dysregulated when my dad died and I didn’t know about BPD then. This time I feel so much better prepared emotionally and expect it. It seems like  you too are better able to recognize and separate yourself from your sisters accusations and antics. Given that persons with BPD fear abandonment, I suspect things could get even worse at the time we are legally able to disconnect from our sisters. But we will get through it.

NotWendy, your experiences with your mother and the social events is all too familiar. It used to bother me, as my sister would be inviting my neighbors to things with my mom and exclude me. It bothered me intensely when I didn’t understand it, now, I just note it as who she is and how she operates.

I am going to work on building my own family with people I am not related to who are capable of empathy, reciprocal relationships, and have integrity.

Zachira, I agree with Not Wendy, you deserve to build your chosen family, who love, care and are there for you and with whom there is no drama. I just recently read a book (about retirement), that suggested that we all adopt a mind set of  “what are you going to subtract (stop), what are you going to keep, and what are you going to add to your life” . We can choose to let go of some of this at some point, keep what’s good and add new people and things to our life. We are here to support you throughout, as your support has always meant so much to me. Thank you and sending you peace.

[Notwendy]

One thing I have realized is that chaos is part of the way they relate to others. Since there's been less of a response to it on my part- the relationship somehow seems more distant, more empty. When we each played our part in it, it felt more connected.

BPD mother has asked, multiple times, for us to come help her get her things in order, to come so she can show us where things are such as important documents. As soon as we get there, it's different. She either refuses to let us sort through her papers or sits there directing us and getting angry if we somehow don't do this in the correct order or how she wants it. If we ask questions, she refuses to give us information and calls us names.

We have made it clear many times that we are not interested in her material possessions and that we are doing this because she asked us to help her with them. She often asks if we want a certain item and if we say yes - that is the exact item she won't give us. We don't want her to think we are there only for her things or her money, we are there for her, and yet, that's not what she seems to want to hear. She wants us to want her possessions, because then, if she holds on to them, she knows we want to come to get them.

I don't think she can feel that just coming to see her is enough of a reason for her. Maybe it's because she doesn't have a strong sense of self. Maybe it's because somehow she knows our relationship is strained and that it's not something we have a strong desire to do. But neither do we think it's OK to not visit an elderly parent. We don't feel OK about not visiting her, but when we do visit, the visit is so difficult, we then don't want to.

She has another motivator and that is the chaos. I wonder if this is in a sense gives her some emotional security. Maybe she fears if it was all straightened out, she'd then not have a reason to ask us to come help her. Maybe she's sincere about asking us to come help and then when we get there, the fear leads her to change her mind.

Because she doesn't indicate clearly what she really wants, we just can't seem to get it right. Maybe that provides some sort of security for her.

Mommydoc- I have an idea for you to consider. To your sister, chaos is a tie for you. As long as the two of you are entangled in your mother's affairs, there's a reason for the two of you to remain in contact. If she were cooperative and signed all the papers, then that would be done. You would not have this reason to contact her again and so she fears that you would not. If she can prolong this, as long as possible, she knows the two of you are connected somehow and this may be why she continues the chaos.

[khibomsis]

Zachira, we see you on these boards. I don't say a lot but I'm surfing and watching. The many you've helped, the depths you've had to go through and the compassion you've developed. We get to have the authentic you. I feel sorry for your family that they never allowed themselves the pleasure of knowing who you are. Their loss, our gain.
 

[zachira]

Notwendy,
My relationship with my mother's family is also very different from my father's family. In my father's family, there are at least six generations of golden children, scapegoats, and their flying monkeys. My mother's family never favored any particular child from my generation though my aunt was horribly scapegoated by her siblings and the one who took care of my grandmother in her home for many years. We do not know my mother's family well, as they lived in a distant state. One time my sister and I went to visit a cousin and his wife we did not know well from my mother's side of the house. My sister had three major meltdowns while at their house. It all started when I was talking to my cousin and his wife about how my aunt and other residents at her nursing home were being abused. My sister kept trying to interrupt the conversation; my cousin took her out of the room and told her that it was necessary that they hear about what I was telling them. A little later when I came out of the bathroom, my sister was telling my cousin's wife that we had to leave immediately because of all the demands I was making on her that day and not letting her get her work done (all lies). I then said that we did not need to do any of the things my sister was saying I had demanded, that we would be staying, and my priority was to visit with my cousin and his wife. Later on I asked about my cousin's nephew who passed away, and how his parents were doing. My cousin's wife said she did not know which was harder: to suddenly lose a child or having a child who was slowly dying, that their daughter was dying of brain cancer. My sister immediately changed the subject. I interrupted her and told my cousin and his wife how sorry I was that their daughter had brain cancer. I had never seen my sister act so badly, and not get away with it. My sister was in dire distress over not being fawned over, and having me treated like a person worthy of respect. My cousin and his wife clearly saw what kind of person my sister is. I am still in contact with them. My father's side of the house will always be a bunch of flying monkeys, who fawn over my sister and the other golden children, and keep trying to find out where I am and what I am doing, so they can exclude me from family events and have my sister around. I do believe that a lot of the flying monkeys see themselves as somehow special as belonging to the genius club, some of whom are not brilliant just average intelligence, unlike all the golden children who are brilliant IQ wise and narcissistic.

[zachira]

Mommydoc,
Yes, I do think things will get considerably worse at the time we are able to  completely legally disconnect from our sisters. Now it is to a certain point a waiting game, while being proactive about the things we need to do now so there will be less chance of things being worse than they could be later on. I am inspired by how you have tried to be kind and ethical with your sister while doing what is right for your mother. It is a life long sorrow to not be able to have a special caring relationship with your only sister. We grieve the losses knowing that the best way we can help them and ourselves is by setting healthy boundaries with our sisters. I have learned with my sister that I have to stand up to her, and I do feel now that she is afraid of me which will to a certain point limit her abuse of me, mostly resorting to her flying monkey to do the dirty work for her. Having the flying monkeys abuse me, which includes many family members and the family social circle, was more disturbing at first, as I did not know if they were innocently involved. I now know that the flying monkeys are intentional in their abuse of me. I have committed the ultimate transgression, standing up to six generations of abuse, hoping to make a difference for myself and others. I am feeling now that I do have the self esteem to continue to make healthy friendships and to set better boundaries with people.

[zachira]

Khibomsis,
I too feel sad that I will never be seen and appreciated by my family for who I truly am. I have spent my life appreciating people outside my family and their social circle who are kind to me, and oftentimes really enjoy my company.

I very much feel seen and supported by many members on PSI.

[zachira]

More explanations of why all the inquiries about my plans for the summer. They are having a family reunion which I was not invited to. I am not feeling terribly triggered, right now though I know it means more bullying by the family and their social circle. I just don't want to be a part of their heartless narcissistic facade. I am actually feeling like I am doing what is right for me.

[Notwendy]

I do believe that a lot of the flying monkeys see themselves as somehow special as belonging to the genius club, some of whom are not brilliant just average intelligence, unlike all the golden children who are brilliant IQ wise and narcissistic.

I understand that. Although I think my mother's FOO is kinder than this, I have always felt as if they looked down on us and felt they were better than us. I purposely avoid sharing any information like this about my kids with my BPD mother as I don't want to get into the comparison conversation. It doesn't matter what they do though, nothing we do would impress them much.  Why put ourselves through this? I just don't get involved in that.

Let your family have their reunion together. You don't need that grief,

[zachira]

Notwendy,
A hallmark of narcissistic families is they are very competitive, and children are compared instead of loved for who they are. I am glad you did what you could to protect your children from the comparison wars and paid attention to how you felt around your mother's family.
I would not feel comfortable at a family reunion now, knowing what I know, and having endured so much abuse either of me or observing other family members being abused.