Quick question on how to respond

[Cliffton]

My partner has done the usual run away and I don’t know where she is; she was messaging me last night but being very obtuse so I said good night and will speak tomorrow; today.

Early this morning I sent her a text saying good morning and will you please let me know where you are staying so I know you’re ok.

She hasn’t responded all day although she’s seen the message but has just texted me at 10-30pm asking me - how has your day been?

I haven’t responded as I’m angry and annoyed that she hasn’t responded to me even though she knows I would be worried.

Is it right in these circumstances or similar to just respond nicely to her question without letting her know I’m annoyed? I think your answers will be yes but it doesn’t seem right and that I’m letting her walk all over me?

Any help really appreciated as always…

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Kaufmann]

Why do you hesitate letting her know you're annoyed? It sounds like she's being very disrespectful to you, and I think it's okay to show that side to her.

[Cliffton]

Only from reading the advice on here which says not to respond negatively which will continue to damage the relationship and increase conflict. Basically saying to “see the bigger picture in wanting to improve the relationship” effectively means not retaliating but always responding positively regardless of the negative provocation?

Lose a few battles to win the war?

[once removed]

the short answer is yes.

the longer answer is you have to ask yourself what youre trying to achieve here.

youre dealing with a person who is limited in terms of emotional coping skills, and theyre running.

you have your feelings, your hurts, your annoyances, your sense of betrayal. those things are real, and you need support for them. but a person who is coping in this way isnt going to be able to take them on in a way thats going to leave you feeling validated, or wont make things worse.

tell us more. in what way did she run away? how many times has this happened?

[Cliffton]

We’ve been together for 4 years and this is the 5th time she’s gone. She relocated 100 miles to be with me, initially bringing her 17 year old daughter who, after just over a year returned to live with her dad. My partner had split with her husband of over 25 years two years prior to us meeting. It was a massive step for my partner leaving her area she grew up in, friends, family and job to come to live with me and start a new life. I had, at, the time, a nine year old son (now 13) who lives with us 3 days a week. My partner struggled massively when her daughter went back to her dad and the former marital home and since this time has felt torn between staying with me and being separated from her daughter, etc. she lost her mom at 7 and was never allowed to see or grieve for her. This left her being raised within a large family, she was the youngest. All of them have struggled and suffer with personality issues and depression. She is now, finally, going through the divorce process with her husband after being separated for nearly 7 years and this is causing her massive stress as well.

[Cliffton]

Normally she leaves and takes all her stuff with her back to where she lived staying with her sister or back at the marital home and her husband moves out. She has done this a couple of times without me knowing, I just come home to an empty house and nasty notes calling me a narcissist and saying she hates me. This is followed by a text later in the day asking me how I am or have I fed our pets, etc…she then gets new jobs in her area before packing them in and coming back to me - I have to go and fetch her - her vowing this is the last time and she’s staying with me for good. First few times this happened she’d have a good period before splitting me again but the last couple of times she’s not - she’s come back and within hours is saying she shouldn’t have come back - classic shortening of the time period for devaluing me. This last time I told her to go. We should have been going to a friends wedding and everything was planned, she’d got new outfit, hair done, etc etc and then suddenly declared I could go on my own - she wasn’t coming, storming off and sleeping in the spare room. She’d been back with me for three months and apart from a holiday abroad in the middle (when she was perfection) she’s been really bad and very, very angry most of the time.
So I went to the wedding alone and when I got back she had gone leaving me the normal nasty notes, etc. she’s had 7 jobs in the last three months and this last one she’s effectively walked out of was a really good job and she liked it. She sometimes says she wants commitment, to marry me, etc but then within minutes it’s the exact opposite. She then doesn’t understand why I won’t commit, saying “oh yes, I haven’t been a good enough girl, have I”. This, after I say I would commit but obviously this is a product of relationship stability, calm and happiness - not extreme volatility etc.

[Cliffton]

I’m no angel either to live with - I have mild Asperger’s which wasn’t diagnosed until my mid 50’s but it did then make sense of my life thus far - always suffered with anxiety, never felt I fitted in, always on the outside looking in but very successful materially and good at work. I had three years of RO-DBT for my over controlled behaviour and therefore we’re at totally opposite ends of the emotional spectrum - over controlled and out of control.

When I met her it was the first time I have felt love - I literally fell in love at first sight and she’s the only woman I’ve ever felt really close to - on every level. We still kiss in the supermarket, make each other laugh (and cry), hold hands and people often go out of their way to tell us what a lovely couple we are. Menopause, Separation from daughter, family and friends and now divorce have I think, just tipped her over the edge and our daily life had become too toxic - as I said, she has recently been overwhelmed by anger and sadness and it’s all projected on to me. So sad

[Cliffton]

Would really like some thoughts…….

[onthefenceagain]

As annoying as it is that they have taken so long to text back,  I usually respond  neutrally within an hour or two, if it was late and you could’ve been sleeping then you could answer in the morning . If the text is nasty or rude- no response.  You don’t have to act super nice or mean just kind of be  neither. I would say  “Fine. You?”  

[BPDAdviceNeeded]

Unfortunately, what I've gathered from my last two years of experience with BPD, is they seem to like to get a reaction. A reaction shows how much you really care about them and whether or not you're still there.

My ex has just done this to me, ignoring me. I didn't continue to text after I was ignored. I left him alone. He didn't like that, he thought I would respond and beg for him to answer me. Instead, he found a reason to text me. He asked if I'm ok since we had a mass shooting here, and then proceeded to say he just got my text from the night before with a screenshot of "proof." All that was proved is that he did receive my text the time I sent it. He continued to stick with the lie in hopes I was dumb enough to believe it. I didn't but I didn't make that known. I just ignored his lie, didn't feed into it.

So with that being said, I'd be careful with showing your pain. They handle things like children do. Want to seek a reaction out of it, test you, and then throw a tantrum when you don't fall for it. Continue to be yourself. Do not change who you are or allow yourself to become bothered just because someone who is incapable of emotional intelligence is acting out in ways that aren't normal for an adult. Reacting is really YOU stooping down to become this emotionally unintelligent child. Do not do that. You're better than that, and you're mentally stable enough to know this behavior of theirs is not ok which means you're mentally stable enough to understand disengaging is the best route.