How long to do therapy for?

[WhatToDo47]

Hi everyone,

Now that my exwBPD is officially my exBPD and I have detached enough to accept that and want a better, healthier, saner future, I am at a crossroads. Here is my question: I have been in therapy for PTSD like reactions/her abuse since she left. I have made great progress and probably would have given in to her recycle attempts that happened through the divorce process were it not for therapy. My ex leaves me alone now after I set some boundaries, she had an extinction burst, and I still didn't bite. She is states away from me and effectively gone from my life. I know she can reappear, but I am prepared if she does and no longer want that.

I really really like therapy and my therapist, but he is not in network with my insurance and it costs me a lot of money to have sessions with him. It has been more than worth the price, but at some point I'd like to use that money for other things, such as paying off the loan I had to take out to pay off my ex, save for a house, and to spend on my future wife and kids.

I don't feel ready to part ways with my T yet, but I'm curious to hear from those who have been through it: Are you still in therapy? If not, how did you know when it was time to move on?

My T says that, other than the PTSD from her, he thinks I am healthy and will, after some time to heal, be able to have a functional, healthy marriage with someone new. Thank God.

[Turkish]

My HMO is a non profit. They punt members into group therapy unless you're in crisis.

I stuck with the private T my ex abandoned me to for almost 3 years, spending likely enough for a luxury car down payment. After a while, he looked at me and said, "why are you still here?"

Despite having a "healthy disrespect" for his profession, as he put it. I realized that I got something out of talking to someone even as he raised his prices to $185/hr. I kept going also out of spite towards her, an illogical, emotional response.

I returned when there was a crisis in my family, and again when learning to deal with my BPD mother living with me and the kids.

At some point, I felt I needed to stand on my own and stopped. Where that is with you only you can determine.

[Tibbles]

I kind of arrived there - Just felt I had got all I could get. Felt calm and settled and ready to move on. Was about 3 yrs. Both the Therapist and I reached that point at the same time - she suggested that time was coming and I agreed. Always with the understanding I could come back whenever I felt the need. Was a good way to finish up. Guess we all find or own way to that point.

[EZEarache]

For me I never stop needing therapy. I've needed since I was in my early 20s and I'm almost 50 now. When I stop seeing therapists, tends to be when things start to fall apart for me. My previous therapist went on maternity leave and they shut down the office I was in as a result. I thought I could handle everything I was experiencing on my own. I have no doubt, that if I had found a new therapist, I wouldn't have ended up on the path I did, and still be posting in this board.

Everyone is different. Right now things are as stable as they are going to be for me. So I only do one-on-ones every few months. I'm also in a therapist led support group session for co-parents with high conflict partners. It meets every other week, and I find it pretty useful.

I don't expect to stop seeing a therapist. If I get cocky and think I don't need one again, hopefully I have the sense to look at my beautiful son, and realize that for his sake, I do.

[WhatToDo47]

Thank you, everyone! That is all so helpful and exactly the type of responses I was hoping to get.

It does sound like a personal thing, depending on each one of our growth and journeys.

It's really impressive how so many of us are dedicated to our kids, family, and our own health even after all we've been through. Thank God for therapy haha

Turkish, I can relate to your post. The only reason I started therapy is because my ex was in therapy. She alluded to stints with therapists when we met, but at the time wasn't seeing anyone. After a really bad BPD dissociative rage where she hurt the dog and ended up spending the whole night in the closet with a knife threatening to kill herself, then falling asleep and waking up in the morning with no memory of it (not sure if that's true but I believe her on that, I think?), she went to the doctor for anxiety meds and they told her only if she gets a therapist and keeps her appointments. This started years of relative calm and her making alot of progress. Then, when that therapist sent us a bill for the copays (for a few years of appointments, our insurance was slow to work out the copays), she split him black, wanted to kill herself, wanted to quit, but I really encouraged her to stick with it. After that, she started missing sessions, etc until finally, as part of her leaving me, she told me that it's not fair and I'm trying to control her by making HER go to therapy but I don't have to. So I called her bluff and got a therapist of my own and have been seeing him every week. She thought the therapist would tell me that I'm a narcissist, crazy, etc, but he's told me that's actually her and that I was developing/have some PTSD from her and to go NC and move on if I ever want a happy, healthy, stable life and family. I even had a few sessions with just her therapist because she refused to talk to him anymore and I had scheduled us some marriage counseling sessions that I kept, but she refused to go to after spending the first one yelling that this is 100% my fault, she did nothing wrong, claiming to have non existent tapes of me abusing her (which she doesn't and which I never did). He told me the same thing as my therapist, to let her go and that she is now living in a different reality than the one I knew with her and that she's dangerous to me now. That was so hard to hear but I've come to accept it now. The FOG is lifting.

I am so so so thankful for my therapist...

Sorry for the rant haha Maybe some can relate to that experience. I know it helped/helps me so much to read similar stories to mine, to realize I'm not crazy and that I and we here did all we could.

Ideally, I would like to keep working with my T, but maybe every other week or once a month now that she is out of my life and therefore so is the drama and chaos.

Has anyone tried that type of arrangement and did it work?

Of note, it is very important to me to date and marry again and have kids with a HEALTHY, STABLE partner. I don't feel ready for that yet, but that's my goal one day.

Have a great weekend everyone, so thankful for BPD family and each and every one of you!

[WhatToDo47]

Also, I feel like this website and the forums are some of the most amazing therapies available, and they’re free. So so thankful for that. I highly recommend for anyone that’s been reading here but hasn’t posted to do so and get involved. This is an amazing community and it was a huge turning point for the better when I started posting, first on staying, then undecided, and now on detaching, as the divorce evolved and I uncovered her lies and infidelity.

[nerves]

Thank you all for sharing, this was interesting to read. I am only about 4-5 months into my journey with my T and it's still a weekly thing. Each week I feel like we find some other huge revelation that I was blissfully unaware of and then we run out of time before digging into it. Super helpful from a self-awareness perspective but has left me wondering if it is an infinite process.

[I Am Redeemed]

I started therapy after I split from my extremely abusive ubpdxh. I did EMDR for the complex PTSD for about six months, then took a break because of insurance issues. Once I started back, I continued almost weekly therapy for about three years. I'm going twice a month now with the option to schedule as needed.

How often I go depends on how well I can manage my Cptsd symptoms with the tools I have learned and how much my life stressors are causing anxiety. I will eventually go to once a month, most likely.

[NotAHero]

Hi everyone,

Now that my exwBPD is officially my exBPD and I have detached enough to accept that and want a better, healthier, saner future, I am at a crossroads. Here is my question: I have been in therapy for PTSD like reactions/her abuse since she left. I have made great progress and probably would have given in to her recycle attempts that happened through the divorce process were it not for therapy. My ex leaves me alone now after I set some boundaries, she had an extinction burst, and I still didn't bite. She is states away from me and effectively gone from my life. I know she can reappear, but I am prepared if she does and no longer want that.

I really really like therapy and my therapist, but he is not in network with my insurance and it costs me a lot of money to have sessions with him. It has been more than worth the price, but at some point I'd like to use that money for other things, such as paying off the loan I had to take out to pay off my ex, save for a house, and to spend on my future wife and kids.

I don't feel ready to part ways with my T yet, but I'm curious to hear from those who have been through it: Are you still in therapy? If not, how did you know when it was time to move on?

My T says that, other than the PTSD from her, he thinks I am healthy and will, after some time to heal, be able to have a functional, healthy marriage with someone new. Thank God.

 Glad to see the progress you are making and the clarity you are now experiencing.

 Personally - as you may know a lot of my story- I started therapy to try and save the relationship. My therapist strongly encouraged me to leave and helped me make the decision.  I liked the therapist but months after the relationship ended I felt that that particular therapist didn’t have much more to offer. I switched therapist and had one live session with another.  One key difference was that the new therapist encouraged me to put myself out there, something my previous therapist was warning me against. The new therapist was right, I made a conscious decision to have a “before and after” event. When I went all out and put myself out there after months of intense self care being single, it helped decisively get over my ex wBPD.  Since then I have not felt the need for therapy, the rumination was almost non existent. I made a new life for myself and don’t feel that therapy is needed anymore. I cancelled the next session and here I am.

[WhatToDo47]

That is all so helpful and I can really relate. This is exactly what I was hoping to get out of this thread - thanks everyone!

I think my biggest issues going forward will be the PTSD (which, if I'm being honest, is quite severe but getting better) and putting myself back out there. I want a family, and I'm not getting any younger. I think my therapist will help me figure out when I'm ready again and help me to choose a healthier partner.

I like the model of once or twice a month with the ability to schedule as needed sessions more often.

I pray that it's a long time before my ex tries to recycle me, but I know that she will based on her behavior with past relationships and during the divorce. So I need to be strong enough to resist that. She has a habit of showing up on people's doorsteps/work, etc and I need to prepare for that.

The T I saw for a few sessions after she left was her old T as discussed above, who encouraged me to leave for my own safety and sanity, and then I transitioned to my current T who a friend that was also married to a pwBPD recommended. Both were instrumental in helping me to realize that I had to leave or it would be my demise. So I feel like I went through a similar transition to the one described above.

My new T also is encouraging me to get back out there, but only when I'm ready, which is a process I rushed before and why I was so vulnerable to my ex, and a process I don't want to and can't afford to skip again.

I have heard of EMDR but don't know much about it, is anyone able to give a quick overview of what it is/experience with it or a link to more info?

Thanks all!