Episodes and understanding BPD

[I lover her]

Hello this is my first post,
So me and my girlfriend have been in a relationship for 3 months. It’s long distance but we’re doing our best to make it work. I love this girl more than I’ve ever loved anyone before and she understands me like no one else. The first 2 months have been amazing we clicked and i definitely feel a twinflame soulmate connection. She’s told me I’m her favorite person and that I understand her and that I made her feel. Now she has had a traumatic past so this was amazing and I love that she feels safe with me. She doesn’t only have BPD.
Last month my phone display broke, so I couldn’t text as much and came off a little dry. She’s been feeling hurt and we both had a busy stressful week. On the one day we finally had some time she asked what we wanted to do and I said whatever you wanna do. (She doesn’t like making decisions) I was feeling a little insecure at that time and wanted her to say that she wants to be with me. She got mad and left and usually I would always call and spam her until we make up. She’s had episodes before but we managed. This time we didn’t sleep in together and didn’t talk until the next day. I immediately regretted it and as soon as I woke up kept trying to reach her even though I was busy. I spammed and texted her so much about my love and how I shouldn’t have and more. She said we were done. It took arround two days before she opened up and we made up. But she has been distancing, getting annoyed at my mere presence, trying to push me away and all that. Every day since then. I keep reassuring her and showering her with love even if she doesn’t return it. I don’t need her to return it I love her and I know she doesn’t mean them. Of course it hurts and takes an immense toll on me and everyday she explains to me how she loves so much and feels horrible for trying to push me away and that shes a bad person. I tell her she doesn’t need to feel sorry I love her no matter what and that I won’t leave her ever. It’s like I see glimpses of her old me until when we call it all changes again. If I were to describe the change it would be careless emotionless. She told me that she’s been feeling out of touch with reality and so overwhelmed and lost and sad and all the sadness lashes out on me. It hurts so much seeing her interact easily with others while ignoring and doing everything to push me away. I’ve told her that I know she’s scared and that I won’t leave I make sure. Keeping that distance however is hard for me. For one I am very addicted to being her and I fear if I’m not with her she’ll find someone else, because she’s been starting to hang out with other friends/mutuals to play video games when usually it‘d be only me with her for example. I just kinda need to let this out. I don’t know what to do because I kinda know what’s going on and I’m reading about it and trying to do things to help her. This has been the biggest episode yet and I just wanna make sure that I’m doing enough. I’m guessing she’s splitting and yet I don’t know how to feel about it because every night she has this glimpse of explaining herself and being sorry and that she loves me.
I love her so much and I know all this pain I’m feeling is nothing compared to her. I know bpd makes you feel every emotion more intense so I know She’s hurt more by hurting me than I am by her words. Please someone help me figure out what I can do.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Buddy Joe]

Hi, there! First of all being able to write down your thoughts and express your feelings in this forum is already a great step or rather moving forward to understand your partner that has BPD. As for myself, I feel a bit lighter after I write down all my feelings in my diary. It gives me time to think and clear my head.

I noticed this line that you typed: "I tell her she doesn’t need to feel sorry I love her no matter what and that I won’t leave her ever."

My bpd girlfriend would always tell me that "actions speak louder than words." Every time I tell her something her go-to response would be "let's see." At first I felt hurt and offended that she doesn't believe whatever it is that I tell her. It puts me in a tight spot once I stumble over a hump and not able to regain control of the situation and my emotions. When this happens she questions everything that I've told her in the past. Blame game perhaps. She will get ahead of the situation that she doesn't want to be in especially when she feels vulnerable and attacked, she will break up with you and most likely say things she will eventually regret later. Sometimes I would get an apology for the hurtful words or accusations but most of the time, it's just water under the bridge. Walking on eggshells is real because you will never know if you said something in the past that left a mark on her then one day something goes wrong, that thing you said will resurface and she will use it to counter your present actions. For her it doesn't line up. There's no gray area, it's just black and white. She will keep pushing you away until she sees how much you mean your words through your actions.

Based on my experience, I thought she was being manipulative and just wanted to test me with all her antics and various ways of being distant. How I understood this would be that she couldn't control her emotions nor her words. It is very painful, don't get me wrong. But apparently if you are able to see beyond that and focus on her trauma and what may have triggered that episode, you'll be able to understand her better. Her fear of abandonment and rejection is very deep, so the slightest gesture must be deemed genuine. If she sees cracks in that then she would feel like a burden to you and rather not have you do anything for her. Even if she needs your assistance or presence. She will just push you away.

You just have to also give time for yourself because if you keep giving in to the episode while questioning your capacity to love this person, it will leave you with a heavy heart and sleepless nights of wondering what went wrong. Remember that we are not therapists but their significant other. It's okay to breathe and recollect your thoughts especially when there are times that it's too much for you to bear. Just try your best to battle the evil thoughts in your head that would question your worth in the relationship when an episode occurs. It's not about you, it's their trauma and how the past haunts them.

[I lover her]

Hey you said I should try to see what caused this episode. That was the first time we slept alone. I wanted her to call me that night I was hurt that she left me and got frustrated with me not wanting to choose what to do. My gf has depression adhd she’s suicidal 10 months clean of selfharm and has ptsd. Her childhood has been really PLEASE READed up. I know that. I admitted to my mistakes and told her I shouldve called. I explained myself. I’ve been sending her so many reassuring texts. But like you said its the splitting. Right now she seems to utterly despise me and I fear if I give her the space and let her be alone all day and stuff. That she’s gonna deem me as she was right I did just leave. I don’t think she’d contact me. But that’s what Im gonna do and been doing. I keep falling back into trying to text her so she won’t leave if you know what I mean. I already have sleepless nights my heart is super heavy. I know I shouldn’t but I do know her. And I know that not every bpd partner is the same. I think she wants me to keep showering her with love texts eventhough she’s cold her true loving self slips out except for tonight. She’s the type of person to say „if it’s meant to be it’ll happen people come to me not me to them. I don’t force anyone to me etc.“ I’m afraid she’s found other people and is done with me. But wouldn’t she just block and ghost me completely? I don’t know I’ve been up to long today and my text might not make sense sorry and thank you for help and reading

[once removed]

dont chase her or over pursue.

as someone who has done a great deal of both in my life and relationships, it tends to put us in an unattractive light, and achieves the opposite of what we are trying to do. it makes us look needy.

people with bpd especially, have a lot of difficulty when it comes to another persons neediness, because in general, they are very needy people themselves.

too much neediness on our end tends to cause them (or anyone, really) to need space. so in essence, chasing and over pursuing push people away.

this is a good place to start, have you read it? https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

[15years]

Hi and welcome to the forum. 

I would suggest that at this point it's more important to understand yourself than understanding the person with bpd.


With a pwbpd everything seems urgent. This urgency affects you and you too feel that something's extremely urgent and has to be dealt with immediately. This is one reason why a relationship with a borderline is compared to being in a roller coaster. The urgency starts with her but you're both participating in it 100 %.

Could you picture yourself stepping out of the roller coaster, the chaos, and observe it from the side. Like - wait a minute, what actually happened here. And why am I suddenly feeling so anxious when a minute ago I was fine. Why did her emotions cause me too to spiral emotionally.


We here on this forum understand how difficult it is to be in a relationship with a person with bpd.

[I lover her]

It’s just that now she’s doing things with everyone else and even just her and someone else at times. Take it be friends but what if not. I just want her to finally comeback she still hasn’t messaged me or anything. But I can see she’s trying to avoid seeing me or being reminded of me and tries getting distracted. She’s staying up super late. But if I go back on my word now and text her that won’t help either I think. I just want her to stay loyal and true only to me and then comeback because I will not judge her or anything she said. I will gladly make up and continue supporting her by reading and learning here. But if she ends up leaving or cheating because of us not talking. I’m seriously not gonna be able to process that…

[15years]

I'm thinking this might be out of your control and the challenge for you now is to accept that. It's hard to worry about her being with someone else but really it's up to her to choose that if she wants to. Trying to prevent her from cheating would be a tiring game to play for you and she could blame you for pushing her to do it.

[I lover her]

I’ve tried talking to her again and she said so many hurtful things but I continued fighting and being loving. Things she said were I hate you, I don’t want to be with you, You’re not what I want. Im being so serious I swear on my mom ( her one and only good person in life) and (Me) well used to be I guess. Please leave me the PLEASE READ alone. Im not tripping over you. What the PLEASE READ is your problem. I already detached I hate you. Im not special and not worth it. When I asked her about that friend she was simply hanging out with her friend. Then I brought up if she considered it cheating and she said clearly you do think it is. If I say I cheated will you leave? Later she did say she cheated but that wouldn’t matter because we’re not together anymore because she broke up again with me today. I know she’s only saying those things to get me to leave I think at least?
I kept reassuring her that I know thats not how she truly thinks of me and that I won’t leave and even though it’s not okay I knew about it and Im okay. That I will never know how it feels like to be her but I can understand and love her and you get my point.
She’s threatened to block me aswell cause I’m going to far but here’s the thing.
In smaller episodes when I shower her with love and calls to make efforts of making up she‘d either give in and we make up or block me on certain social contacts and unblock me later that night for us to make up and stuff. She never fully blocks me and she never fully erased me. She also hasn’t blocked me tonight despite saying so.
She said „you think i like when you spam me but it makes me hate you“ before she explicitly told me she loves that and I’ve been doing that ever since. She’s also saying shes been fine without me but staying up super late every literally every night. She tries to distract herself so hard and tries avoiding being reminded of me I can tell. But I don’t know what to do. What if that new guy really is gonna just replace me and what if she actually meant all those horrible things. I’ve made up my mind to love the good and bad but what does that matter if she doesn’t want to?

[kells76]

As you're experiencing, relationships with a pwBPD are emotionally intense. Additionally, the skills and tools that can make those relationships "workable" are not always intuitive.

In "broadly normal" relationships, reassuring a partner of our love and commitment is pretty straightforward and effective.

However, by definition, BPD is a disorder. It's a fundamental difference in how some brain wiring works, not just a transient issue of "not enough information" or "lacking an insight" or "once they have the facts, things will be better".

So, what that means is that because you're here looking for what to do, and you're on the "bettering" board, you may want to consider trying some non-intuitive skills and tools.

A specific example would be here:

I kept reassuring her that I know thats not how she truly thinks of me and that I won’t leave

In a "broadly normal" relationship, reassurance, promises, and understanding may be "okay" or "work".

Those really, really won't be effective in this situation.

pwBPD have higher-than-normal needs for validation, and especially for not being invalidated.

We are trying our best to be loving and supportive, yet our "normal" efforts can make things worse, by inadvertently being invalidating.

When telling her that you knew that wasn't what she really thought...

that was inadvertently invalidating.

It basically told her "what you think is wrong".

Now, I'm not suggesting that you lie, or agree with misperceptions, if she has them.

What I am suggesting is that inadvertent invalidation makes things worse by "missing her emotional point".

I wonder if you can now, sitting here, hear the emotions behind her words. Her words were:

I hate you, I don’t want to be with you, You’re not what I want... Im not special and not worth it.

It's so tempting to reply to the words with "But I know you really love me, and you're SO worth it, I love you so much".

The emotions going on under the words, though, are incredibly important.

What do you think those emotions are?

And how might you validate those?

For example, if an emotion behind the words is "I feel worthless", a way to validate that feeling might be "Babe, that would feel awful to feel that way".

Check out this post on not being invalidating:

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

and let us know your thoughts on this.

I'm kind of "pushing this hard" because I hear you that there's a lot of hurt going on and you'd specifically like some help with figuring out what to do.

-kells76

[I lover her]

Thank you so much after reading and then writing her a text she wrote this text about how sorry she is and she wasnt herself and how she’s feeling confused and overwhelmed and wishes she knew how to love me. We were in the middle of making up when she stopped responding and now she’s kind of distant again asking me not to call because she’s gonna cry. What do I do?

[I lover her]

Update: she told she just doesn’t wanna call for awhile she needs space from me because otherwise she’s just gonna keep getting annoyed at me. I asked does that mean you wanna work things out? she said she doesn’t know. I also asked will there be someone else? That’s when she stopped responding.
Could it be that she’s trying to get with that one person and just keeping me if it doesn’t work?