Help me learn how to deal with my loved one

[Banshee0825]

It's has been six months since my loved one has moved in with me and I am physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. Despite my best efforts we haven't made much progress and the constant daily struggles have me and my family feeling hopeless, please help.

[pursuingJoy]

Hello friend.  Can you tell us a little more about why they moved in? Was it a next step in a relationship or a necessity due to health or life circumstances? Is it just the two of you?

I understand how suffocating and overwhelming it can be to live with a difficult person. We're here to help.

[Banshee0825]

Good evening. Please forgive the delayed response, I am still learning how to navigate the site. While working in another state a few years back my best friend crossed paths with a young lady who has an eating disorder. My friend felt compelled to help this young lady in any way she could. Over the past 2 years both myself and my friend worked very hard at obtaining a medical release so that this young lady could receive the medical attention she desperately needs. My friend ultimately moved in with me as she was asked to leave her place. Prior to that we had been looking at homes as we planned to move in together anyhow. Shortly after welcoming this young lady into my home things changed very dramatically. She began arguments over EVERYTHING, she questions and "test" both myself and my friend. She began to make threats of self-harming and constantly complains of feeling unwell. In the first month she was home we had several visits to the emergency room. I have become a moving target and her daily attacks are overwhelming and physically affect me. She questions my "relationship status" with my friend and each time we think we have settled her concern with that topic she then insist that I want to steal her mother and take her place. I have noticed some very concerning patterns in her behavior and can now see the start of a cycle just before it hits. She escalates very quickly and these cycles vary in times lasting anywhere from a few hours to a few days. Prior to her arrival home we had a fairly decent rapport and spoke almost daily. I knew of her mental health/ medical diagnosis but it wasn't until she was home and the roller-coaster behavior started that I began to really research BPD. My heart breaks for her because she has endured things no child should ever have to go through and I applaud my friend for stepping up and accepting this young lady as her own child but I question if I can continue to travel this path with them.

[Methuen]

Does she see a therapist?

[Banshee0825]

Yes she has been speaking with someone once a week since she came home and just this past week has another therapist. She has been. Very resistant to help as she states she has had "every form of therapy available " and nothing has helped. She contradicts herself all the time, for example she claims therapy won't help but when she is raging she blame her behavior on the fact that she needs therapy more than once a week and that is the cause of her behavior.

[Methuen]

If she is resistant, it might be time to consider any or all of the following:

- accept that you and your friend have gone above and beyond to rescue this young  woman.

- what evidence is there that she has shown any personal personal growth?  Has her behavior improved or worsened?

- how is she affecting your well being?

- does she contribute to household income?  Chores?  Does she bring positive relations into the home, or only chaos?

- how does she show gratitude?

- in the time you’ve supported her (2 years?  - sorry I can’t remember), what progress is there to show for your effort?

There are many people in this world in need of help and support, so if you want to contribute to making life better for someone,  perhaps it is time to reconsider where you should be putting your time and energy.  

To be blunt, this woman is using you, manipulating you, and holding you hostage in your own home.  This is crazy making behavior.  

Do you know who her T is?  Perhaps an idea is to phone that person confidentially and give them some info from your perspective.  You could do the same with her family doctor, and share that you are concerned about her emotional well being.  By doing his, you are handing the responsibility of her well being to a professional, where it sounds like she needs.

You could also give  her notice to find a new place to live.  

If she threatens suicide, call an ambulance so that there is a record of her threat to herself, and so that she can get help.

If your friend doesn’t see the problem, then maybe that is something for you to think about.

Accept that a psychiatrist would be challenged to help this young woman if she is resistant, so it’s  probably not realistic for you and your friend to think you can “change her”, and make a difference.  She has to want to change herself, and it doesn’t sound like she has  motivation or ability to do that.

She isn’t your problem to fix.  She needs to figure this out her way.  You have tried your  best, but it’s clearly not working for  you or her. Accept your limitations, and remember that a psych might not be successful either.

Accept that, and move on with your own life.

It is time to  start focusing on you own well being.