Greetings From Paradise . . . ish

[GardenSpring]

Hello Community. I have been a reader of this site for about four years. It's been helpful during the more stressful periods. So I'd like to first say thank you for the support over the years. I decided to finally post. I think it's the juxtaposition of being on a vacation in Maui while my wife spirals into a full blown blaming, shaming and gaslighting rage that convinced me it's time to reach out. In the past I used to stay calm and internally process these episodes, but I realize now that as non-bpd midlife stressors increase, I get maxed out emotionally. I'm trying something different this time, by reaching out to a community that understands. A little background on my family dynamic: I have been with my wife for a little over 15 years, married for 9 years. We have a 8 year old son and a 4 year old daughter. Our couple's councilor recommended  I look into BPD about four years ago, which after reading up on it was like seeing my relationship clearly for the first time. Seeing and resolving are two different things. My wife is finally about to start DBT after her regular emotional abuse progressed to physical abuse recently, which put us on the brink of divorce. I have compassion for my wife, but the kids are really my major motivation to keep going in the marriage. When I have seriously considered leaving in the past, I think about how it will impact my time with the kids and how my wife's emotional abuse will start to be directed at the kids. Better me than the kids is the counter intuitive thought process. Still part of me questions if I'm doing the right thing. Will my efforts help my kids grow up psychologically healthy? Is DBT even worth it if my wife is by all appearances incapable of having an emotionally intimate conversation? How long does DBT take before things get better? What are some of the best ways to manage self doubt when you get tired of reminding yourself of who you are and their version of you is not the truth? This is probably too many questions for one post, but feel free to chime in with any suggestions.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[15years]

Hi 

How do you respond when she's being abusive, physically or verbally? Do you stay and endure or do you exit the situation?

When you feel like you're struggling to remind yourself who you are, could you go out for a 30 min walk. Maybe just doing some self care would bring you back on track. Maybe you don't need to think yourself back to knowing who you are (ruminate), maybe that happens automatically if you have some quality time for yourself.

[Cat Familiar]

DBT is the gold standard treatment for BPD. However, it is not a quick fix. Basically people with BPD have an emotional learning deficit; somehow they never learned emotional resilience skills most people acquire in early childhood. If pursued diligently, DBT can make a very positive difference. That is up to her, but you too can learn DBT skills and that can also help your relationship.

The most important thing you can do is to learn boundaries. If you haven’t already looked at the Tools at the top of the page, now is a good time to do so. To have a more successful relationship with a BPD partner, you have to develop a thick skin and not let insults or criticisms affect you.