Wife falsely accused me of DV, got PFA but won't divorce or drop charges

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi, I've been reading for awhile and this is gonna be my first post. For some background, I got married to my wife about a year ago (our anniversary is this weekend actually) at the ages of 21 (me) and 19 (her). I was finishing college a year early and had a job lined up, but she was still in school. I had met her online in August 2020 when she was looking for a church in the city, and we started going to Bible studies together and went out on dates soon after. She seemed really perfect, absolutely gorgeous and funny with a sense of humor, as well as into the same things as me and sharing all my core beliefs (which is important as I'm deeply devoted to Christ and am passionate about youth ministry), and it felt like I'd won the lottery (phrasing she would later be offended by). She was a very shy girl, never really spoke up for herself and was very easily swayed to do what people suggested, but seemed firm in her convictions at first. Outside of weird arguments over not sending goodnight texts, things seemed very good for awhile, with us saying we loved each other by October, and she very quickly opened up about deep personal traumas and abuse of previous boyfriends and previous men who had sexually abused her (namely "A").

 Things went very downhill during December 2020 though when holidays came and she was back from college to her parents. Her parents had never liked me, nor had a lot of the leaders in her church, or friends of hers, many of them having never met me before. I always thought it was weird how they were unsupportive of me while my side always supported her because I loved her, but I chalked it up to double standards with me being the guy and let go of it. It wouldn't be later until I found out my soon-to-be-wife had already, as early as our dating phase, been talking badly about me and making up lies about my verbal and emotional abuse. However, whenever she was with her mom, arguments and anger and breakdowns would occur, with my girlfriend being incredibly impulsive and angry. She would start saying she hated me, she was breaking up with me, only to apologize minutes or hours later. She went back to school, and it became an issue of loneliness in her apartment, with her distressed when I wouldn't stay up past 3am with my last semester classes in the morning. I the whole time was giving her the benefit of the doubt. I was remembering our times together at the start, how great it was and how great a biblical foundation and faith she seemed to have, and truly believed she was just having a hard time and that a better environment would make things better.

My girlfriend then revealed how deeply depressed she was, having tried to kill herself walking in the road a few times. This resulted in me feeling like I needed to get her out of there as soon as I could, or at least be there with her. I resolved to marry her and be there for her, because we had previously lived about 3 hours away off school  and 1 hour away when she was at school. And eventually I did propose in March 2021. My family was excited and happy for us, but her mother especially was angry, calling me a villain for taking away her daughter, saying if she went to me that they'd disown her. At this point I had already seen a lot of weirdly controlling behaviors from her mom, and she had painted her mother to be a monster while simultaneously defending her when I'd point out some of those behaviors getting between us (like stealing her phone while I was paying for it after getting engaged). Meanwhile, the meltdowns from my fiancée were getting worse and worse, especially as I was nearing finals of my senior year. She had pushed to shorten the engagement significantly, from 16 months to 4. This meant all sorts of wedding planning and invitations in only 4 months, and as much as I could help I did, but it was never enough to stop her from yelling at me over texts and calls. I always felt like she was a different person when she texted, becoming far more likely to distort what I was saying, cling on to misunderstandings, and become incredibly vitriol, while in person things were always perfect.  At this point I was praying that things would change once we were together and she was in a new environment, and that those perfect in-person experiences would be the norm. Unfortunately, that was not the case.

Eventually she decided to walk in the road again. This time, she was seen by a medical professional who identified all of the borderline criteria in her behavior. This was a person she would later discredit as "in their first year," but this didn't stop the diagnosis from being subtly and unceremoniously announced aside much bigger and more pressing information. It meant nothing to me, as I thought "if I fell in love with her, a diagnosis doesn't change who she is." And how wrong I was haha. I soon forgot entirely about it, never researching it or anything until after we were married. Before that though, was the first major incident that I should've ended things at.

In May, right as I was preparing for my scariest final exam the next morning, my fiancée refused to stop texting me. I explained how if I didn't graduate, we couldn't expedite our wedding because I needed to work and have an income to make it work. She then uncharacteristically let it go, asked me if she could get some ice cream with a friend (which was weird at 1am and totally random), and I said she should probably wait until morning. She had always had bad boundaries with guy friends, but I always saw it as her being naive from being sheltered at a Christian academy. I then wake up at 3:30am to a text from her saying "I cheated." As I press her on it, I find out that she had texted her supposed sexual abuser "A" and cheated with him. When I pressed her by what she meant by "I cheated" and how it occurred, she slowly changed the story to "well I got in his car at 3am because I was lonely but we just kissed," then "I thought we were gonna get ice cream and he tried to kiss me but I resisted," and then to "he forced himself on me and kissed me but then I got away." Mind you she is 5'3 and 100lbs and he is a 6 foot something man who supposedly "sexually abused" her in the past and also that night, but I once again found it in myself to forgive her and give her the benefit of the doubt on the changing story.

July comes, we get married, and all heck breaks loose. On the honeymoon (which she initially wanted at her parent's house, which I flatly said no to),  she's already calling for divorce, faking her death because I'm struggling  learning oral for her, abusing alcohol (despite agreeing we both would never drink, and as far as I know it never happened again after the honeymoon, thank God),  and threatening to leave me over every bad feeling she has. We get to the apartment we had after it's over, and she's freaking out every other day. She starts school again but can barely handle it, and gets mad at me for not taking a picture of her on her first day (something a dad would do, and I never took pictures hardly outside of us on special occasions). My birthday comes in September 2021, and she tries to make it special but has a breakdown, yells at me, curses at me, and pushes me to the point I want to just go for a walk, resulting in her threatening with texts to "A" and calling the police because I needed space. A few days later she tries to commit suicide, then points the knife at me when I call the police. She then drops out of school, and I start finding work at a dental office outside the city. She drops her therapist when the lady says the breakdown of communication come from her and her lack of emotional regulation. All the while my wife is constantly talking to her mom about all of our problems, screaming how she wants her mommy, but refuses to work through the issues with me. Finally her mom reminds her of her BPD, and suggests therapy and books, and my wife angrily yells at me to get her books and read with her while working full time (while she is doing nothing).

As I read the BPD books with her, my wife gets very emotional over how relatable it is in terms of her experience and her mother. She realizes that her mom isn't normal, her upbringing wasn't normal, and I reassure her that she has a new family who will always love and support her. This makes her incredibly mad as she thinks I'm saying her mom is worse than mine, and when I explain that I was trying to reassure her and let her know we're there for her, she keeps escalating things. This happens in several reading sessions, until eventually she hits me. I feel incredibly betrayed and emotionally distraught, and tell her I'm staying at my parent's house for the night to think things through. As I'm at the train, she texts saying she will divorce me and kill herself if I leave for the night. Fearing she's serious, I choose her safety over my own and go back. I silently go to sleep, and in the morning I wake up, and she leaves the apartment room. I follow her down to the lobby to see her parents there. She hit me, threatened to kill herself if I left, then called her parents to pick her up instead.

After this she threatens to kill herself if I don't pick her up after a few days at her parents. She then stays at my parents as we try to get her in-patient therapy in October. Meanwhile, she texts and calls me while I'm at work, trying to bribe me to not abandon her by going to work. She then finally gets an out-patient admittance, after several meltdowns and instances of violence against me at my parent's house. After awhile, they admit her to in-patient, and my wife calls me 30+ times a day to scream at me for "putting her in that prison." They apparently locked her in a room (something a nurse told me recently is only done to people causing problems), and she was livid at me. She accused me of cheating while simultaneously talking about 2 guys she found attractive there. After she got out, she continued to hold it as a grudge against me despite asking me to get it for her.

Thanksgiving comes, she hits me again at our apartment. I say I won't accept that anymore and she needs to promise me she won't again or I'm leaving. She blames me then asks why I don't just leave, so I go back to my parents. She then calls me crying, saying she didn't understand what I was really saying, she was tired and didn't understand, that she wouldn't hit me again. December comes, and she's violent again a few times, including breaking a power outlet by throwing her phone at me, strangling me for trying to sleep while sick (for real), and slamming her car doors and reaching over for me. That last time though, she calls the police when I ask her to be accountable for her rage. I tell them my side, and they suggest a PFA against her. My parents advise against me in hopes of reconciliation (which they now say was a mistake), and I agreed. We soon got her a BPD / DBT specialist, and crisis occurs a little less.

Valentine's Day 2022 comes, and she's mad at me for nothing again. I see later though that she messaged some guys again about our fight, and I'm so over it at this point. I realize she hasn't changed behaviors, but gotten better at hiding. She acts shady after getting a job at a daycare, saying she went to work but being paid $69 for 2 weeks of work (about 4 hours of pay for her despite being full time). She gets in like 4 car crashes in a month, claims it was someone else's fault when her car is totaled despite the police report coming back saying otherwise, with the story of how it happened changing. In retrospect, I see countless places where she lied constantly to me, about guys she was into, about mistakes and accidents, about past experiences, and about our own arguments despite evidence shown to her.

March comes, we're in a new apartment, and she's violent again. I tell her plainly she cannot do this or I will call the police and get  the PFA they recommended in December. She starts packing her bags, and I say if she leaves again (she would constantly leave for days at a time without any word where she was), to leave her keys here. She goes anyway, leaves for 3 days with no word, and comes back expecting me to apologize and forgive. I find out she stayed at my brother's house, and later find out she told him it was ME who hit HER. I'm furious, lock her out, and she calls the police to let her back in since her name is on the lease. I'm convinced by family and scripture to forgive, and I move on.

Then comes late April. She starts an argument over nothing at night, we go to bed, and I wake up to her not at work (she was in at 8, me at 11, and it was 9:30). I know it's already bad and she's gonna be impulsive. She starts yelling how she can't be in this environment and marriage, and starts leaving. I try to hold her hand and talk to her, afraid she'll be reckless and get in another crash or walk in the street again or something. She kicks me hard in the leg, and I push her away. A neighbor heard my wife screaming and called the police. I then get arrested as my wife accuses me of pushing her, punching her, kicking her, strangling her, and falsely imprisoning her (all things she had done to me previously), lying entirely with no mention of her violence. She then 2 days later filed a PFA, but stayed at my brother's house with him and  his wife. Partway through, she breaks into our apartment and the police tell me I should stay at my parent's, resulting in an hour long commute to work. She continues to text and call me, and my family, including texting my dad at like 1:45am one night that she was on the highway with no gas, and that it "wasn't a trick." I kept vouching for her, believing the texts that I couldn't respond to where she said how "the police didn't let her drop things, she wants it all over, she's trying so hard." But finally, almost 3 months in, the officer tells me that she hadn't mentioned anything about wanting to drop it, revealing she was constantly lying about it all while risking me getting arrested. Even now she's making new IG accounts with a new phone #, trying to message me and my family under fake aliases, but the police say she can do whatever she wants because it's only me who is restricted with contact. She's keeping up this charade of wanting peace and for our marriage to work, but keeps lying and actively is choosing to keep up this PFA and criminal charges. I was let free on ARD with most stuff dropped, but now I'm trying to figure out how to handle it all. She seems to be trying to do everything she can to ruin my life, claiming I'm an abuser to the police and even my own brother.



Tl;dr, I'm a devoted believer of Christ and believe in only the 2 scriptural concessions for divorce. My wife has cheated openly and seemingly secretly as well, and has filed a PFA and criminal charges against me and separated indefinitely. She claims she wants them dropped but lied about trying to drop them, and has kept them both active for several months. Despite her words and claims to want things to work, she's clearly abandoned the marriage. She took all our wedding gifts and essentials from the apartment after removing herself from the lease, has been separated from me by her own choice for 3 months, but still pretends she wants things to work. I've come to terms with the fact that it's her choice to leave and abandon the marriage, but it sucks that I have to be the one to bring out the papers. I believe in the sanctity of marriage, and I hate that I know she'll beg to come back once she's served. I just know I'll struggle to be firm in it, like with the cheating and violence before. I'm also afraid of more false accusations. I have a good lawyer now, and I'm the only one on the lease, but I'm still terrified. Any advice / support moving forward? I'm scared of losing my resolve during the divorce process. Thanks!

[ChristFollower]

Hi, I've been reading for awhile and this is gonna be my first post. For some background, I got married to my wife about a year ago (our anniversary is this weekend actually) at the ages of 21 (me) and 19 (her). I was finishing college a year early and had a job lined up, but she was still in school. I had met her online in August 2020 when she was looking for a church in the city, and we started going to Bible studies together and went out on dates soon after. She seemed really perfect, absolutely gorgeous and funny with a sense of humor, as well as into the same things as me and sharing all my core beliefs (which is important as I'm deeply devoted to Christ and am passionate about youth ministry), and it felt like I'd won the lottery (phrasing she would later be offended by). She was a very shy girl, never really spoke up for herself and was very easily swayed to do what people suggested, but seemed firm in her convictions at first. Outside of weird arguments over not sending goodnight texts, things seemed very good for awhile, with us saying we loved each other by October, and she very quickly opened up about deep personal traumas and abuse of previous boyfriends and previous men who had sexually abused her (namely "A").

 Things went very downhill during December 2020 though when holidays came and she was back from college to her parents. Her parents had never liked me, nor had a lot of the leaders in her church, or friends of hers, many of them having never met me before. I always thought it was weird how they were unsupportive of me while my side always supported her because I loved her, but I chalked it up to double standards with me being the guy and let go of it. It wouldn't be later until I found out my soon-to-be-wife had already, as early as our dating phase, been talking badly about me and making up lies about my verbal and emotional abuse. However, whenever she was with her mom, arguments and anger and breakdowns would occur, with my girlfriend being incredibly impulsive and angry. She would start saying she hated me, she was breaking up with me, only to apologize minutes or hours later. She went back to school, and it became an issue of loneliness in her apartment, with her distressed when I wouldn't stay up past 3am with my last semester classes in the morning. I the whole time was giving her the benefit of the doubt. I was remembering our times together at the start, how great it was and how great a biblical foundation and faith she seemed to have, and truly believed she was just having a hard time and that a better environment would make things better.

My girlfriend then revealed how deeply depressed she was, having tried to kill herself walking in the road a few times. This resulted in me feeling like I needed to get her out of there as soon as I could, or at least be there with her. I resolved to marry her and be there for her, because we had previously lived about 3 hours away off school  and 1 hour away when she was at school. And eventually I did propose in March 2021. My family was excited and happy for us, but her mother especially was angry, calling me a villain for taking away her daughter, saying if she went to me that they'd disown her. At this point I had already seen a lot of weirdly controlling behaviors from her mom, and she had painted her mother to be a monster while simultaneously defending her when I'd point out some of those behaviors getting between us (like stealing her phone while I was paying for it after getting engaged). Meanwhile, the meltdowns from my fiancée were getting worse and worse, especially as I was nearing finals of my senior year. She had pushed to shorten the engagement significantly, from 16 months to 4. This meant all sorts of wedding planning and invitations in only 4 months, and as much as I could help I did, but it was never enough to stop her from yelling at me over texts and calls. I always felt like she was a different person when she texted, becoming far more likely to distort what I was saying, cling on to misunderstandings, and become incredibly vitriol, while in person things were always perfect.  At this point I was praying that things would change once we were together and she was in a new environment, and that those perfect in-person experiences would be the norm. Unfortunately, that was not the case.

Eventually she decided to walk in the road again. This time, she was seen by a medical professional who identified all of the borderline criteria in her behavior. This was a person she would later discredit as "in their first year," but this didn't stop the diagnosis from being subtly and unceremoniously announced aside much bigger and more pressing information. It meant nothing to me, as I thought "if I fell in love with her, a diagnosis doesn't change who she is." And how wrong I was haha. I soon forgot entirely about it, never researching it or anything until after we were married. Before that though, was the first major incident that I should've ended things at.

In May, right as I was preparing for my scariest final exam the next morning, my fiancée refused to stop texting me. I explained how if I didn't graduate, we couldn't expedite our wedding because I needed to work and have an income to make it work. She then uncharacteristically let it go, asked me if she could get some ice cream with a friend (which was weird at 1am and totally random), and I said she should probably wait until morning. She had always had bad boundaries with guy friends, but I always saw it as her being naive from being sheltered at a Christian academy. I then wake up at 3:30am to a text from her saying "I cheated." As I press her on it, I find out that she had texted her supposed sexual abuser "A" and cheated with him. When I pressed her by what she meant by "I cheated" and how it occurred, she slowly changed the story to "well I got in his car at 3am because I was lonely but we just kissed," then "I thought we were gonna get ice cream and he tried to kiss me but I resisted," and then to "he forced himself on me and kissed me but then I got away." Mind you she is 5'3 and 100lbs and he is a 6 foot something man who supposedly "sexually abused" her in the past and also that night, but I once again found it in myself to forgive her and give her the benefit of the doubt on the changing story.

July comes, we get married, and all heck breaks loose. On the honeymoon (which she initially wanted at her parent's house, which I flatly said no to),  she's already calling for divorce, faking her death because I'm struggling  learning oral for her, abusing alcohol (despite agreeing we both would never drink, and as far as I know it never happened again after the honeymoon, thank God),  and threatening to leave me over every bad feeling she has. We get to the apartment we had after it's over, and she's freaking out every other day. She starts school again but can barely handle it, and gets mad at me for not taking a picture of her on her first day (something a dad would do, and I never took pictures hardly outside of us on special occasions). My birthday comes in September 2021, and she tries to make it special but has a breakdown, yells at me, curses at me, and pushes me to the point I want to just go for a walk, resulting in her threatening with texts to "A" and calling the police because I needed space. A few days later she tries to commit suicide, then points the knife at me when I call the police. She then drops out of school, and I start finding work at a dental office outside the city. She drops her therapist when the lady says the breakdown of communication come from her and her lack of emotional regulation. All the while my wife is constantly talking to her mom about all of our problems, screaming how she wants her mommy, but refuses to work through the issues with me. Finally her mom reminds her of her BPD, and suggests therapy and books, and my wife angrily yells at me to get her books and read with her while working full time (while she is doing nothing).

As I read the BPD books with her, my wife gets very emotional over how relatable it is in terms of her experience and her mother. She realizes that her mom isn't normal, her upbringing wasn't normal, and I reassure her that she has a new family who will always love and support her. This makes her incredibly mad as she thinks I'm saying her mom is worse than mine, and when I explain that I was trying to reassure her and let her know we're there for her, she keeps escalating things. This happens in several reading sessions, until eventually she hits me. I feel incredibly betrayed and emotionally distraught, and tell her I'm staying at my parent's house for the night to think things through. As I'm at the train, she texts saying she will divorce me and kill herself if I leave for the night. Fearing she's serious, I choose her safety over my own and go back. I silently go to sleep, and in the morning I wake up, and she leaves the apartment room. I follow her down to the lobby to see her parents there. She hit me, threatened to kill herself if I left, then called her parents to pick her up instead.

After this she threatens to kill herself if I don't pick her up after a few days at her parents. She then stays at my parents as we try to get her in-patient therapy in October. Meanwhile, she texts and calls me while I'm at work, trying to bribe me to not abandon her by going to work. She then finally gets an out-patient admittance, after several meltdowns and instances of violence against me at my parent's house. After awhile, they admit her to in-patient, and my wife calls me 30+ times a day to scream at me for "putting her in that prison." They apparently locked her in a room (something a nurse told me recently is only done to people causing problems), and she was livid at me. She accused me of cheating while simultaneously talking about 2 guys she found attractive there. After she got out, she continued to hold it as a grudge against me despite asking me to get it for her.

Thanksgiving comes, she hits me again at our apartment. I say I won't accept that anymore and she needs to promise me she won't again or I'm leaving. She blames me then asks why I don't just leave, so I go back to my parents. She then calls me crying, saying she didn't understand what I was really saying, she was tired and didn't understand, that she wouldn't hit me again. December comes, and she's violent again a few times, including breaking a power outlet by throwing her phone at me, strangling me for trying to sleep while sick (for real), and slamming her car doors and reaching over for me. That last time though, she calls the police when I ask her to be accountable for her rage. I tell them my side, and they suggest a PFA against her. My parents advise against me in hopes of reconciliation (which they now say was a mistake), and I agreed. We soon got her a BPD / DBT specialist, and crisis occurs a little less.

Valentine's Day 2022 comes, and she's mad at me for nothing again. I see later though that she messaged some guys again about our fight, and I'm so over it at this point. I realize she hasn't changed behaviors, but gotten better at hiding. She acts shady after getting a job at a daycare, saying she went to work but being paid $69 for 2 weeks of work (about 4 hours of pay for her despite being full time). She gets in like 4 car crashes in a month, claims it was someone else's fault when her car is totaled despite the police report coming back saying otherwise, with the story of how it happened changing. In retrospect, I see countless places where she lied constantly to me, about guys she was into, about mistakes and accidents, about past experiences, and about our own arguments despite evidence shown to her.

March comes, we're in a new apartment, and she's violent again. I tell her plainly she cannot do this or I will call the police and get  the PFA they recommended in December. She starts packing her bags, and I say if she leaves again (she would constantly leave for days at a time without any word where she was), to leave her keys here. She goes anyway, leaves for 3 days with no word, and comes back expecting me to apologize and forgive. I find out she stayed at my brother's house, and later find out she told him it was ME who hit HER. I'm furious, lock her out, and she calls the police to let her back in since her name is on the lease. I'm convinced by family and scripture to forgive, and I move on.

Then comes late April. She starts an argument over nothing at night, we go to bed, and I wake up to her not at work (she was in at 8, me at 11, and it was 9:30). I know it's already bad and she's gonna be impulsive. She starts yelling how she can't be in this environment and marriage, and starts leaving. I try to hold her hand and talk to her, afraid she'll be reckless and get in another crash or walk in the street again or something. She kicks me hard in the leg, and I push her away. A neighbor heard my wife screaming and called the police. I then get arrested as my wife accuses me of pushing her, punching her, kicking her, strangling her, and falsely imprisoning her (all things she had done to me previously), lying entirely with no mention of her violence. She then 2 days later filed a PFA, but stayed at my brother's house with him and  his wife. Partway through, she breaks into our apartment and the police tell me I should stay at my parent's, resulting in an hour long commute to work. She continues to text and call me, and my family, including texting my dad at like 1:45am one night that she was on the highway with no gas, and that it "wasn't a trick." I kept vouching for her, believing the texts that I couldn't respond to where she said how "the police didn't let her drop things, she wants it all over, she's trying so hard." But finally, almost 3 months in, the officer tells me that she hadn't mentioned anything about wanting to drop it, revealing she was constantly lying about it all while risking me getting arrested. Even now she's making new IG accounts with a new phone #, trying to message me and my family under fake aliases, but the police say she can do whatever she wants because it's only me who is restricted with contact. She's keeping up this charade of wanting peace and for our marriage to work, but keeps lying and actively is choosing to keep up this PFA and criminal charges. I was let free on ARD with most stuff dropped, but now I'm trying to figure out how to handle it all. She seems to be trying to do everything she can to ruin my life, claiming I'm an abuser to the police and even my own brother.



Tl;dr, I'm a devoted believer of Christ and believe in only the 2 scriptural concessions for divorce. My wife has cheated openly and seemingly secretly as well, and has filed a PFA and criminal charges against me and separated indefinitely. She claims she wants them dropped but lied about trying to drop them, and has kept them both active for several months. Despite her words and claims to want things to work, she's clearly abandoned the marriage. She took all our wedding gifts and essentials from the apartment after removing herself from the lease, has been separated from me by her own choice for 3 months, but still pretends she wants things to work. I've come to terms with the fact that it's her choice to leave and abandon the marriage, but it sucks that I have to be the one to bring out the papers. I believe in the sanctity of marriage, and I hate that I know she'll beg to come back once she's served. I just know I'll struggle to be firm in it, like with the cheating and violence before. I'm also afraid of more false accusations. I have a good lawyer now, and I'm the only one on the lease, but I'm still terrified. Any advice / support moving forward? I'm scared of losing my resolve during the divorce process. Thanks!

[kells76]

Hey ChristFollower, welcome. Glad you reached out and were open about what's going on in your life.

While I can't comment on your whole post (busy day at work), first of all I wanted you to know that I saw it, and others will be along soon to comment and support you as well.

I understand where you're coming from that marriage is a gift and not to be taken lightly. The breakdown of a marriage is a tragedy, and it's so clear that's not what you wanted for you or her. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

It's really, really smart that you got a good lawyer. This is incredibly important as you have been facing serious false allegations and were arrested.

Brief advice: strictly follow any "no contact" order, and don't break it, even if she begs, texts, calls, emails, reaches out on social media, anything. The fact that she may be the one breaking the order doesn't make it OK for you to then respond, and the consequences can be severe for you.

As nonintuitive as it sounds, consider asking your L if you should also get a no contact order "against" her -- indicating that you are concerned about how she has treated you and do not wish her to be near you at this time. Your L can advise you if that is wise.

Big picture, many of the things that we need to do to protect ourselves seem "mean" or "hurtful" or "unforgiving", and others may judge us for those choices. However, pwBPD (people with BPD or BPD type traits) struggle greatly with respecting boundaries and seem to lack an internal sense of self that can help them live a boundaried, healthy life. Often, it's us, the non-BPD person, having the inner strength to be firm and consistent that can bring calm to the chaotic situation.

There may be those that comment that being firm, unyielding, and having boundaries is "unloving" or "cruel" to the pwBPD, when actually, it can be the kindest and most loving thing for them. Your wife has been able to do a lot of hurtful things with few consequences. It may actually be the most loving thing in the world for her to be the one to stop enabling her abusive behavior. Whether the lesson "sticks" or not, we can have the integrity to live out the truth that letting others be abusive is wrong and not ultimately loving towards them. We can decline to be around them to be abused, and that may be the "rock bottom" moment that can help them make different choices. (It's not a guarantee, of course).

All for now, but come back and post any time that works for you...

kells76

[zachira]

How awful to be falsely accused of DV. You have a lawyer which is a positive step in the right direction. Your challenge may be to maintain the no contact because your wife is likely to do everything to get you involved with her again. This seems to be a good time to work on building a stronger emotional foundation for yourself so there is no way you would fall for any manipulations on your wife's part to be in contact with her, and again be falsely accused of DV. What do you think would help to maintain the no contact and to have a plan so there is no way you ever be alone with her without a reliable witness present?

[ChristFollower]

Thank you guys. I'm not worried about breaking the no-contact order, I have no intention of being arrested again haha. I'm mostly scared of her being impulsive when served papers. I'm terrified of her hurting herself more, or maybe even hurting me. It's such a crazy feeling. She can be explosive, and I know this is gonna be her biggest fear coming true. With our anniversary in a few days too, im struggling with thinking about our marriage a lot. 3 months separated, but the last few days I've felt so lonely and honestly depressed with our anniversary looming. I intend to wear my ring and stay faithful until the end, but the loneliness has really hit hard the last few days.

 I tried getting a Christian counselor for myself, but there are huge waits. I wanna talk to our marriage counselor about individual counseling, but I don't know any way to contact him that isn't involving her in the counseling app's chat. I feel like I'm in this endless limbo of waiting, and I just want to move on.

[babyducks]

allow me to join with kells and zachira in welcoming you here to the website.

you've gotten some good comments but I would like to add some thoughts for you to consider.

into the same things as me and sharing all my core beliefs

people with BPD (pwBPD)have an unstable sense of self.    or to say it another way - no strong idea of who they are.   buffeted by harmfully intense emotions that can change in minutes they don't develop their own unique identity.    they tend then to mirror the people they are with.     she was mirroring you.    so the painful reality here is that the person you feel so deeply in love with was,... you.

we've all done that.    there is something so intoxicating about finding this perfect match.   or so we think.    there is no way for her to keep this mirroring up.   she is desperately trying to survive the catastrophe of not being whole by attaching to you in maladaptive ways.

She would start saying she hated me, she was breaking up with me, only to apologize minutes or hours later.

pwBPD believe the feeling of the moment is absolutely 100%accurate and will last forever.  right up until the next strong emotion comes along.    its a serious mental illness, not a conscious thought out decision.   

I resolved to marry her and be there for her,

you are not alone in wanting to be there.    most of us are helpers,  caretakers.   wanting to fix and assist.    my Ex was diagnosed Bipolar 1 with BPD.   took the medication regularily, went to therapy.    was very responsible in how she treated her illness.   even with that, she could and did become psychotic on occasion.

In May, right as I was preparing for my scariest final exam the next morning, my fiancée refused to stop texting me.

she felt abandoned, that the exam was more important than she was.  pwBPD have extremely high needs for attention and engagement.   and a strong aversion to rejection whether real or perceived.   in this relationship her needs would always come first.   your needs will only matter if the agree with her own, or serve her in some way.

I then wake up at 3:30am to a text from her saying "I cheated." As I press her on it, I find out that she had texted her supposed sexual abuser "A" and cheated with him. When I pressed her by what she meant by "I cheated" and how it occurred, she slowly changed the story

she is off loading her negative emotions any way she can in this episode.   it can't be her fault,   she must be the victim of others egregious behavior.    have you heard of the Karpman Drama Triangle?   She is moving you and 'A' around the Drama Triangle in ways that keep her in the victim position.
 

Finally her mom reminds her of her BPD, and suggests therapy and books, and my wife angrily yells at me to get her books and read with her while working full time (while she is doing nothing).   As I read the BPD books with her,

Ok, I admit it, I winced when I read this.    Did you think this through at all?   What possible good could come from this?   Your wife angrily tells you to get her books, and you do?    as you look back with 20/20 hindsight is this helping?  or is this assuming responsibility for things that should be hers to take care of?   is it helping or enabling?

you were probably the worst possible person to read these with her,  the relationship she had/has with you is emotionally fraught.    laden with interpersonal violence.   pwBPD struggle the most with intimate relationships, which make us the least equipped to help without some very specific and non-intuitive skills.

, and I reassure her that she has a new family who will always love and support her. This makes her incredibly mad as she thinks I'm saying her mom is worse than mine, and when I explain that I was trying to reassure her and let her know we're there for her, she keeps escalating things.

you were invalidating her.    one of those skills is validation.   knowing how to validate, when to validate and what to validate.    as she was dealing with the (to her) enormously painful emotions of exploring her family of origin, you basically blew her off and tacitly said 'don't be so upset, you've got a new family now'.   I understand that wasn't your intention but that is certainly what she heard.

This happens in several reading sessions, until eventually she hits me.

I'm very sorry.   I know how upsetting this is.   Hitting is never okay.   

I see countless places where she lied constantly to me, about guys she was into, about mistakes and accidents, about past experiences, and about our own arguments despite evidence shown to her.

pwBPD are driven by their chaotic feelings, not facts.    their interpretation of events can be the only truth.    proving something with evidence almost always back fires as the pwBPD has to double down on their version.   doubling down protects their fragile psyche.     I am not saying they can never accept a version in which they take responsibility but that it has to be handled with a great deal of
care and the right skills. 
 

I find out she stayed at my brother's house, and later find out she told him it was ME who hit HER. I'm furious, lock her out, and she calls the police to let her back in since her name is on the lease. I'm convinced by family and scripture to forgive, and I move on.

have you heard of personal boundaries?   how would you describe your personal boundaries and the boundaries of your family?     what I am getting from your description is that there aren't a lot of personal boundaries in either family.   it appears from this brief post that everyone is up in your business, taking sides and making decisions that should be your own.

I understand your faith is very important to you.    I can see you have spent a great deal of time and effort on your religious practice.     What I also see in this post is this relationship is injurious to both of you.   Both of you are being badly hurt by the way this is unfolding.   

I kept vouching for her, believing the texts that I couldn't respond to where she said how "the police didn't let her drop things, she wants it all over, she's trying so hard."

One of the best things I ever heard regarding my relationship was this; "She will project her bad behaviors onto you and you will project your good intentions onto her – neither is accurate."   which was so true it hit me like a blow in the chest.

She did project all the shame, pain, rage, hurt chaos onto me.   It was always my fault.    I did project all my good intentions on to her.   She didn't really mean it.  She was sick.   She needed help.    Neither was accurate.    I needed to stop projecting just as much she did.

She seems to be trying to do everything she can to ruin my life, claiming I'm an abuser to the police and even my own brother.

My Ex would come home, turn on the TV, turn it up loud,  turn on the radio, open the computer and start something.    the decibel level was incredible.    what I learned from this was where I experienced peace and quiet,   she felt emptiness and void.    she felt most comfortable when the external world matched her internal world.   

your wife is adding drama to that Karpman Drama Triangle I mentioned upstream.   it serves a purpose for her.   it allows her an outlet for confused and painful emotions.    it keeps her in a position where she can employ the maladaptive coping traits she understands.   it keeps her in the victim position.   it keeps her from being responsible for her own life.     it does not serve you at all.

Any advice / support moving forward? I'm scared of losing my resolve during the divorce process.

this is getting long so I will try to wrap up here but will back later looking for any response you care to share.

Come to understand what was really going on in your relationship and your role in it.   Take a peak into the Divorce board here, where they will surely recommend Bill Eddy and his high conflict institute.    I will echo Zachira, do not violate the order of protection.   Do nothing that adds any drama to this already dramatic situation.    Keep posting.    Writing out your thoughts will help to organize and process them.

my two cents
'ducks

[csquare319]

Dear brother in Christ, Jesus said: "Whoever divorces his wife, except on the grounds of sexual immorality, makes her an adulteress; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery." Your wife willingly, repeatedly cheated on you, giving you the ground for divorce.

Earlier this week, according to God's will, I also ended my 11 year marriage. For years, I struggled between trying adhere to the scripture "God hates divorce", and the obvious fact that my marriage did not bring Him honor. This link gave me great help: https://relentlessheart.com/blog/whole-counsel-on-divorce

As always, ask His Spirit for guidance on all things, for the God we serve is alive and looks after us.

May Jesus bless you, dear brother.