What does she really want?

[ChristFollower]

I posted earlier about my spouse wBPD. She's 20 and I'm 22, and she has been low functioning for a long time. She supposedly doesn't believe in divorce despite threatening it many times. She falsely accused me of DV in late April, got a PFA, and has been away for almost 3 months.

She left notes in my apartment saying she hopes we can get through it and get the counseling we need, texted me and my parents that she wants things to work and she's trying to get the police to drop things but they won't let her, but the police told me she lied about talking to them, and she hasn't dropped anything criminal OR civil in the whole 3 months. She's just been with her mother and family on multiple vacations, or left home alone to have crises based on her texts to my family (which we can't respond to).

It's clear her words don't match her actions, and she's abandoned our marriage before I could do it to her (even though it's all in her head). So why does keep pretending to be trying to make it work, when it all looks like lies and traps to get me arrested? Does she just want me to show I'll fight for her even at the risk of incarceration, or is it really a trap? How can she so blatantly lie and act like she has hope for our marriage when she's the one separating us and lying about why it's continuing?

My biggest fear is when she's served papers. Will she contest it, or not? Does she really want to be separated but not feel fully abandoned by divorce from me, and will she fight for or against it when she's served? I don't want a long divorce, I just want to be over with this all. But man, she's tried so hard to reach out to me and my family despite actively keeping up the PFA. I don't know if it's all a facade or if she'll have a major meltdown and split entirely  when the time comes. What does she want? And what should I prepare for? I'm honestly really  scared given how far she was willing to go to hurt me, even when things were going well.

[I Am Redeemed]

I moved your post to the Conflicted/Legal board because I think you will get better feedback for your situation here.

Save those notes and texts; they're evidence that her words and actions don't match up.

Are you facing criminal charges for the false DV claims? Do you have a lawyer?

It's impossible to tell what she wants. Pwbpd often act on whatever emotions they feel in the moment without thinking through the consequences. If she's reaching out to you and your family in crisis, that's probably an emotional decision based on how she feels in that moment. She may be saying she tried to drop the proceedings because she feels shame about it and it's easier to play victim (I tried, but the police won't let me) than deal with the consequences of her choices (she lashed out at you, falsely accused you, got a PFA and so now she can't have contact with you at her whim).

What if she does contest? How long have you been married, are there any children, do you have assets, finances, or property to separate? You're both young, so I am assuming you haven't been married long.

[ForeverDad]

I read your initial posts and emotionally she is all over the map.

When does the PFA expire?  Ask your lawyer if she has the ability to extend it without your input, such as having to appear in court for it to be extended?  Do you have any upcoming court hearings scheduled for the PFA?

If you do have any hearings, bring her notes with you, and two copies.  You may have to hand a copy to the court and a copy to her.  She can't get the originals in her hands in case she rips them up before anyone can stop her.

She is, metaphorically, a hair trigger boobytrap ready to explode regardless her religious claims.  It would be smart — if at a hearing where her PFA is terminated or closed — that in front of the judge you hand over (serve) her with previously prepared divorce papers.  The petition should include your own paperwork listing your need for a No Contact order.

One benefit of filing for your own No Contact order or filing for divorce is that she can't claim you want her back so you can 'control' or 'abuse' her again.  During my own separation hearing my spouse's lawyer asked me, "Do you want her back?" I replied, "No, not the way she is."  I later realized that if I said Yes then he would have turned to the magistrate and said, "See?  He's a controller so he wants her back to control her again!"

[babyducks]

I find myself in agreement with ForeverDad.

Make sure your lawyer has copies of these notes and texts that say she wants to drop the charges.    documentation is your friend.   the more you can provide the better.

and yes, she is emotionally all over the map.   she is not functioning from a fully formed reality.   

borderline is named because it is on the border of neurosis and psychosis.   people with severe symptoms or who are low functioning can lose touch with reality.     

[GaGrl]

It is critical that you get any abuse charges/PFA dismissed. Otherwise, you will have a record that will prevent your being able to engage in youth ministry in most denominations.