Scapegoat

[Live Fully Well]

Hi. This is my first post. I have an adult daughter that is borderline and wants nothing to do with me. I have always been the "bad guy" in her life and she spun such a web of lies is has not just hurt me but relationships with my parents and siblings (which has been resolved after 20 years). Having my daughter live with my parents for her first year of college was eye opening for them...

I still text her and never get a response. The only time I have seen her in the last 3 years was due to an emergency. That was after 2 years of no communication on her part. I didn't bring anything up and just spent some quality time with her enjoying the time. I haven't heard from her since.

This has all come up because we are planning a family vacation with extended family. She texted her brother that she won't go if I go. Do I back out? Or do I draw the line, finally. Stop making sacrifices for her?

Thanks for any advice!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Live Fully Well
I don't usually react strongly one way or the other when people here put a question. But as soon as I finished reading, my mind was 'Yes you go to the family gathering'.

It is up to her what she does when she hears that news.

From what you write your dd is able to manage, and she knows you have responded when there was a crisis. You continue to text - no response.

There comes a point where I think drawing a line in the sand is actually the best for the bpd person too. I have recently drawn a line - a very difficult one - and I've been surprised how it worked out. In my opinion this is the moment for you to draw the line - not sure what others will think.

Thank you for posting.

[By Still Water]

Hi Live Fully Well,

I agree with Sancho; her unhealthy ultimatum should not be permitted to control your harmony with the rest of the family, nor should she view such a concession as a payoff of her behavior. All the best to you!

[wannabeamomma]

Draw the line! She has no right to make such a demand. Giving in gives her the power over you. It sounds like it will be hard for you because you are still trying after all these years. You need to accept that she isn’t well and you should live your life on your terms. Best wishes to you.

[Tanager]

Hello Living Fully Well,

I appreciate your post. My husband is also the scapegoat - except when our daughter has a crisis, car trouble, needs help moving, needs financial advice - etc.!  Otherwise she does not communicate with him.  My part in this is resorting to JADE - I justify, argue, defend and explain.  An example:  Dad wasn't invading your privacy. He just asked you for  that information to help you with your taxes (which she had neglected to do). When I use JADE it backfires and she accuses me of taking sides. If I stay out it goes better and they have a more cordial time together.

Your post helped me realize that while we will always love and support our daughter we need to enjoy our own relationship and time with the rest of our family.  That includes going on that family vacation.