Stepdaughter diagnosed at 29 years old

[StepMothering]

My stepdaughter has not been in her father's life regularly since she was about 3 years old when he and her mother split. He moved to another town and she was raised by her mother and a few years later a step father, eventually moving to another state. Her father only had a few irregular visits from her every year while she was growing up.

Late last year my stepdaughter ended the only romantic relationship she had been in since she was 19 years old and her ex called us to advise that she had been using drugs and he feared she might commit suicide. 

We brought her down to temporarily moved in with us and I arranged appointments with a psychiatrist for treatment. Upon this psychiatrist's recommendation, we put her through a full psychiatric assessment.  She was formally was diagnosed with BPD for the first time last year at 29 years old.
For many years she had been diagnosed as high-anxiety and had symptoms of OCD so she was treated but with inadequate medication and incorrect therapy skills. She used illegal drugs for years to soothe her pain.

Earlier this year she moved to our city to start a new life and continue treatment with the psychiatrist. Since we had little involvement with her prior to this incident, we did not oversee this move or monitor her actions and decisions.  She has no income, although she told us she had alot in savings so we didn't ask questions. She has not ever held a "regular" job. Her previous income was from drug businesses or drug-supporting businesses (CBD, vape batteries, etc.). These were/are the businesses her ex dealt in too. She has huge debt from making irresponsible decisions.

Since she has not been taking illegal drugs to self soothe, her symptoms of BPD have been surfacing, so we are getting a full-on education in the vastness of this illness. She has lost all ability to regulate her emotions so it has been a roller coaster since the beginning of the year.

We are paying for all the psychiatric treatment, medication, etc. We have had to get her out of her $4k/month rich-person apartment lease and have gotten a storage unit for all of her belongings. She damaged her laptop beyond repair, so her father agreed to buy her a new one, where she used his credit card to further get all kinds of beauty treatments and pay several thousand dollars for a web service that would set up a website for her "new business." He had to cancel the credit card. She took out a business loan for this same "new business" that she cannot pay back. We are paying to repair her wrecked car, paid to get it registered so we can sell it to help pay off some of this debt. She keeps spending money that she doesn't have and nothing we have said is able to stop this spiral downward.

Based on her complete lack of emotional regulation and her ability to get the right balance of medication to help, the psychiatrist recommended sending her to a residential treatment center focusing on Dialectical Behavior Therapy, since she has not had any therapy directed at her diagnosis. Stepdaughter left this morning to go away to this center. Now we can breathe and do our best to clean up her financial mess as much as possible so when she returns we can try to support her in starting a new way of life.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Stepmothering
Gosh you have been thrown in the deep end! I am glad you have found this site. People here will be nodding their heads as they read your post - identifying with so much that you write.

The spending thing is huge. One thing I read once described BPD as 'rapid bipolar cycling'. I don't know if this description has any credence, but having a friend with bipolar I understood what it meant. My friend would become 'high' and race all over the place buying things she didn't need, had huge plans etc. My BPD dd does the same.

For quite a while I paid off dd's debts. Then I realised it only meant that she had a good credit rating, so could borrow more money. I've gradually tighten access to financial support and it is more manageable now.

Do you know if it was your sd that broke off the relationship?

Many years ago a paediatric psychiatrist told me that bpd symptoms can lessen in the fourth decade ie when in the thirties. And to be honest I am noticing that this seems to be the case (doesn't mean it is all 'fixed' though).

But around age 30 my dd came home to come off heavy drugs. It's been very challenging, but I can see some change.

In your case perhaps things are coming together (although the spending, breaking etc is like an explosion after coming of whatever drugs she was on do you think).

The fact that she is older, has been willing to go to the residential treatment place etc sound positive.

You now have time to breathe and look at what boundaries you need to have in place to make sure you can look after yourselves in the months ahead.

Thanks for posting. It is a great help to us all when people are prepared to share their journey.

[Sancho]

Ps I just noted that you say your dd was the one who ended the relationship. I think she is trying to move to a different lifestyle.

You are amazing in the ways you are trying to support this move!