BPD Sister Out Of Rehab- Preparing to Confront Her

[WorkingThroughIt]

Hello, I haven't posted in a while because my BPD sister went into rehab and I decided not to have contact with her until she came out sober. I got into therapy at the same time she went into rehab and I've been working on building myself up to confront her when she got out. I went skydiving and went on my first road trip even though I have severe driving anxiety!

Now she just got out and the conversation is coming up quicker than I expected- I was going to wait until I had one more therapy session under my belt, but she's going to be at my house this weekend to drop off our father and it seems like a conversation that should be had in person. I've asked my therapist for a last-minute session this week, because after writing out everything I want to say to her... it's 4 pages long! I have no clue how to edit it down to something short when it's something that's been building up for more than 10 years. I've been alternating between anger and deep pain while finally writing it all out, so I'm sure there are some points that didn't need to be brought up.

I'm finally going to confront her about abusing me all of our childhood and I know it's a conversation that's going to be met with a lot of resistance. She's going to argue and turn it around on me, or straight up deny things happened. She's been idealizing me for a few years and I expect this may lead to her condemning me afterwards. But I need to get this all out because I'm noticing my niece displaying a lot of my same behaviors and I'm confident my sister is the cause. If she can't acknowledge how she's had an effect on me, I have no clue how to make her see it in my niece who isn't able to communicate as clearly.

I'm terrified for this fight (because I already know it will become a fight despite how calm I remain), but I don't know what else to do to wake her up and have her recognize her harmful patterns. I'll also be revealing some vulnerable things to her that I'm scared of her weaponizing.

I'm not really sure what I'm hoping for from posting here to be honest- advice from someone who faced a similar confrontation? Tools to defend myself from her taking over the conversation? Maybe just some encouragement haha

[GaGrl]

Persons with BPD often lack empathy and are ill-equipped to see and understand someone else's point of view.

What is your goal in confronting your sister now? Where do you anticipate it will take your relationship with her?

Is it necessary to confront her? Now?

What boundaries do you have in place with your sister? Have they worked, and how well have they protected you?

My immediate reaction is that you would be better served by working on strong boundaries -- and boundaries are for you, not for her to obey or respect -- rather than setting yourself up for a "confrontation."

[Riv3rW0lf]

I'm terrified for this fight (because I already know it will become a fight despite how calm I remain), but I don't know what else to do to wake her up and have her recognize her harmful patterns. I'll also be revealing some vulnerable things to her that I'm scared of her weaponizing.

If you go for it, it has to be because you want to and need to for your own healing journey. But know that YOU do not hold any power to "wake her up". Don't expect anything to change. If you do it, do it for you, to free your heart, your head. Do it if you need to, to be able to tell yourself : "I really did everything I could." But again: don't expect anything from her.

Another point : do not share anything vulnerable that could be weaponized against you later on... Why would you do that, if you know she will use it against you? If you want to edit some things out, those are a great place to start.

Finally: if she is JUST OUT of rehab, I would maybe recommend not hitting her straight away with a letter likely filled with painful truths? Maybe consider giving her some time to land on her feet?

Ask yourself this question: why the urge? At a moment where you know she is herself most likely vulnerable?

My mother is BPD and she was alcoholic, stopped drinking... She was highly depressed and suicidal for many months after she stopped drinking.

BPD abuse is not an easy thing to go through, and I know I wanted to hurt my mother very badly at times. I am not saying this is what you want, just food for thoughts... I would invite you to reconsider your timing for this discussion.

[WorkingThroughIt]

What is your goal in confronting your sister now? Where do you anticipate it will take your relationship with her?

Is it necessary to confront her?

My goal is to get the past abuse out in the open, point out her problematic behaviors, how they've impacted me, and signs I've seen in my niece that she's starting to be impacted in similar ways. I'm hoping that calling attention to it will help her spot the behaviors that are still there. I don't believe she does everything with malicious intent, but she seems oblivious to how her actions affect others.

This feels necessary to me. I'm at the point right now where I can barely look at her through my anger, and I'm hoping this will open a door for us to start building a more normal relationship. These might be naive hopes, but it's also my first time ever confronting her with the impact she's had on me from those more volatile years. We've had smaller confrontations throughout the years that have mostly not gone well though- but I was also more immature and not aware of how to handle her gaslighting and turning things on me.

Now?

I think this is the best time to confront her. It's the first time in a while that she's been sober, and the first time in years that she's had therapy. From what she told me, she did really well in rehab, had a lot of growth, was part of some sort of leadership program, and they even had a dual-diagnosis program so she says she's on the right meds for her BPD for the first time. She should be at her best right now, so if there's ever a time to get her to understand my point of view, my therapist and I agree that this is the time.

That all being said... she also lies. She showed me her chips and bracelets from her programs, but I have no clue the significance of them. I have no clue if she really tried in rehab or if she just muddled through it to be able to say that she did it. Before she went in, it seemed like she was already priming us for a relapse by telling us how most people fail the first time and have to go back to rehab.

What boundaries do you have in place with your sister? Have they worked, and how well have they protected you?

My main boundary with my sister is that I no longer talk to her if she uses abusive language towards me. She knows that if it devolves into name-calling then I won't respond and she'll just be yelling into the void. This has been firmly in place for about 6 years now and hasn't been an issue. Prior to this boundary, she was super hostile towards me, but once I went no contact for a while she suddenly liked me and we haven't had any majorly hostile events since.

I live pretty far from her usually and she's hesitant around my husband (I think she recognizes that he doesn't like her), so she tends to behave herself when she's on "my turf" at least.

Beyond that though, I don't honestly have many boundaries that are maintained. If I tell her I'm not mentally able to have a tough conversation with her, she finds a loophole and instead just bombards me with her side of the conversation anyway. If I tell her I'm too busy to do something for her, she messages me about it every day to see if I'm still too busy. It feels like she stomps all over my needs whenever there's something she needs from me. Sometimes I just get steamrolled.

However, I feel like not having the confrontation is being too passive when my niece is in the picture. I might not have great chances of her listening to me and recognizing her toxic behavior, and I'm terrified of the outcome, but some chance is worth it if it benefits my niece. At the very least, I'd like to be able to tell my niece someday that I tried to help in every way I could and this feels like the first step in that. My sister is a single mom and my niece has 12 more years with her.

[Methuen]

Would you be willing to consider taking a “wait and see approach” first?   While it feels like the time is right because she is coming, there will be other opportunities in the future.

If you are not willing to pause , I would suggest paring down your 10 pages to 3 main points.  Rehearse, and remove the emotion from your voice.  

Three things are concerning.  1) The use of the word confrontation (2) You are already calling it a fight.  

In my experience, nothing good ever comes from a fight.  Do you have experience otherwise?

3) What does your T say about the 10 pages?  

I understand the need to have your voice and experiences heard.   My H went through something similar with his sister.  

But we thought about it differently.  He prepared his words to be more of a victim impact statement.  He was past the anger. He was very clear about what he wanted.  It was all done respectfully and without anger.  His approach achieved what he wanted it to, which was realistic.

What is your goal?  What is it you want from this?

It is important to set yourself up to have the greatest chance of any kind of success possible.  Are you certain this apprach is the one that is most likely to bring you the highest degree of any level of success?

Rather than rushing this because she is coming, I would give consideration to hitting pause, and wait for another opportunity, when you have had more time to process and prepare, rather than rush. 

Will this be the first time you’ve seen her since her recovery, or have you had several other meet ups already?