Family cutoff

[Couscous]

After having been absent from this site for several months I thought that an update was in order.

It recently became quite clear that my boundaries absolutely will not be respected by various family members, and because my family choose to "other"-soothe rather than self-soothe, (and yes, it is a choice as BPD/NPDs are fully capable of restraining their aggressive impulses when it suits them) and since, as an adult, I am fully capable of surviving without my family,  I have come to the logical conclusion that I have no excuse to continue fawning and making myself available as a target of abusive behavior and have no choice but to completely disengage from my family of origin, if this is going to result in a permanent family cutoff and my being forever branded as "the most heartless, selfish person who has ever walked the face of the earth" (an accusation recently leveled against me). Additionally, since it is my job as a mother to protect my children from witnessing and potentially being the target of abusive behavior by their extended family I actually am obliged to take this drastic step.

A big part of my decision was actually based on something interesting that I learned from my therapist was about a phenomenon known as displacement aggression, which is very common amongst various species of animals, including humans. Essentially, lashing out at another person or creature (ala kicking the dog) very effectively reduces one's stress levels, and this is probably the driving force behind almost all abusive behavior, and it makes no logical sense to make oneself available to be used in such a manner.

Since my therapist seems to not have recovered from his own issues with codependency, I believe that his intention in sharing this with me was to help me understand that my family weren't sociopaths, but rather, that they were "merely" using me as an emotional punching bag in order to regulate their stress levels, and as such, I didn't need to take any of it personally, and so could continue to remain in contact with them. He didn't seem to see this kind of behavior as grounds for a family cutoff and he seemed quite surprised when I told him that I had finally decided to "divorce" my family of origin a few weeks ago.

 There’s an additional depressing reason why stress fosters aggression—because it reduces stress. Shock a rat and its glucocorticoid levels and blood pressure rise; with enough shocks, it’s at risk for a “stress” ulcer. Various things can buffer the rat during shocks—running on a running wheel, eating, gnawing on wood in frustration. But a particularly effective buffer is for the rat to bite another rat. Stress-induced (aka frustration-induced) displacement aggression is ubiquitous in various species (Sapolsky, 2018).
https://yourhub.denverpost.com/blog/2019/10/displacing-our-aggression-why-anger-feels-good/252591/

[zachira]

Couscous,
My heart goes out to you deciding to divorce your family. I decided to divorce many members of my family last year. Being bullied by other family members so they do not have to face how they feel about themselves, just gets to a point, that there is no joy in being around these people anymore, just pain and suffering. We are here to support you in your decision to divorce your family. We know it was a decision that has been taken after much thought and many years of unacceptable treatment of you by your family.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Couscous !

Sounds strange but I was actually thinking about you a few days back, wondering where you were at, since I remembered you from when I joined! Then I saw you comment on someone else's post and I thought to myself : ha! There she is! All this to say: I am happy to read an update.

This is useful to learn: the stress reducing by discharging our rage onto someone else. Usually, I'd think "guilt" would be the main control, the main emotion to halt the behavior. Hence, when I am stressed out and my daughter won't listen, and I snap, raise my voice, sometimes too much for what is actually happening... I usually notice, hear myself and I feel guilt right away, which makes me apologize and ask her firmly to go play with something else further away while I breathe and calm myself. No harm done. My guilt keeps me from abusing her, and makes me protect her form my negative emotions.

Cluster B personalities oscillate between various traits, one of them is sociopathic, so it makes sense that for a BPD, during an episode, their guilt level is brought down to zero, hence the continued abuse?

Anyway ... Welcome back! It seems like we chose the same solution to our somewhat similar issue i.e. cutting contacts.

How are you feeling about it? Since it is with all your family, it seems like it would be a lot to process... I am a pendulum: relieved/free, guilty/pain/abandonment... How about you?

Probably not very helpful that your therapist doesn't seem to get it?

If it's any help : I do get it.

[beatricex]

couscous,

...The two versions don't have to match, their version and your version and that truth will set you free 

congratulations, I feel like you've graduated

b

[Couscous]

Thanks zachira. Truth be told, it hasn't actually been as bad as I thought it would. But maybe the euphoria hasn't worn off yet and I have a hard landing ahead of me. Sorry to hear that you're dealing with same 

Riverwolf,

I am touched by your comment -- thank you.   

To be perfectly honest my Inner Child seems to very happy about this decision. I think she was quite angry at me for continuing to put her in harm's way just so that I didn't have to be labeled as an evil persecutor.  While I did have some major fear of abandonment kick in right before, after I made the decision and didn't die, my Abandoned Child calmed down. I think she has figured out that we are not dependent anymore, and that there is an Adult taking of her -- and that person is me! Funnily enough, my therapist was quite skeptical that I seemed to be handling it so well and even asked incredulously, "But isn't Little Couscous feeling abandoned?  (I think he just might be a Rescuer...) I actually feel liberated, although there is some sadness there too, of course. I think I read in the book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" that as adult daughters, we have been actually been grieving for our entire lives, and have been stuck in the first four stages, denial, anger, bargaining and depression, and that all that was left was acceptance. And that's where I think I am, at least I sure hope so! But I do know that I still have a "well of pain" that I am still going to need to eventually process. I will need to find the right therapist for that. And I will need to find some hobbies to fill up all the free time I will now have on my hands! 

Thank you beatricex. Your pragmatism on this topic was an inspiration to me.