How to tell new partners about expwBPD?

[WhatToDo47]

Hi,

I am looking to begin dating now that my divorce with exwpwBPD is final.

I’m hoping this question will help many others too who are looking to detach and move on.

Does anyone have any input, experience, tips, etc with how to tell/explain to a new partner what happened with the ex pwBPD?

As you all know, it’s very hard to explain BPD and the healthy relationship impossibility and abuse that it creates to someone who hasn’t experienced a pwBPD first hand and the disorder’s full cycle of chaos and suffering.

I don’t plan to bring it up quickly or make it a part of any new relationship, but I know it will come up seeing as I’m sure anyone new will want to know why I’m divorced.

Thanks!

[ThanksForPlaying]

I think you'll find others are far less interested in your divorce than you might think. Not from a lack of compassion - just that it's been such a huge part of OUR lives that we assume others have more questions about it.

Try to enjoy dating and maybe don't even bring up past relationships on the first date. A simple "I'm recently divorced" is enough to start with.

The BIGGER issue is that you will eventually want to ask some of your own questions about your date's history - to see if there are any BPD flags. However, this doesn't have to be rushed. Take your time, have fun, and don't get caught in a quick fairytale whirlwind romance.

[WhatToDo47]

I think you'll find others are far less interested in your divorce than you might think. Not from a lack of compassion - just that it's been such a huge part of OUR lives that we assume others have more questions about it.

Try to enjoy dating and maybe don't even bring up past relationships on the first date. A simple "I'm recently divorced" is enough to start with.

The BIGGER issue is that you will eventually want to ask some of your own questions about your date's history - to see if there are any BPD flags. However, this doesn't have to be rushed. Take your time, have fun, and don't get caught in a quick fairytale whirlwind romance.

Thank you! That helps a lot.

You’re right, people probably don’t care as much about my divorce as I do especially as it’s been such a big and crazy part of my life for so long (the marriage and divorce process).

I don’t plan to bring up the divorce to a new date until asked about my relationship history. Probably not a first date thing.

I definitely want to ask questions to suss out any BPD red flags so that I can run from them instead of rescuing them like I did before. Fairytale whirlwind romance definitely describes my meeting/marrying pwBPD. I guess that’s a red flag in and if itself. Any other less obvious red flags you’d look for?

As for the divorce, do you think a simple “there were mental health issues that became unsafe. I wish her well, but she’s no longer a part of my life” would suffice?

[Mutt]

I just want to add that depending on the person, talking about divorce is a difficult topic that many avoid it are uncomfortable to talk about. Your date may of gone through their own divorce and it could be a painful topic for them to talk about or then May if never experienced a divorce and are not sure what to say on the topic.

I've known my fiancé for 5 years. She knows my exuBPDw. She's  seen some of the messages that my exuBPDw has sent to me. I think that it's easier for people to come to their own conclusions, from my experience if you try to guide them they'l still want their own opinion about the matter.

From what she has observed ( mr fiancé) she has said that she ( uexuBPDw acts like a child ( emotionally immature ) she is impulsive, she's crazy etc. I've never influenced her observations, I have simply let her come to her own conclusion without offering her a diagnosis. She knows that  there's something wrong with my ex.

Im not a doctor or a medical professional and cannot diagnose my ex, only a doctor can do that! With that in mind, I don't give a medical diagnosis about my ex wife. If I say something I say that there's something wrong with her and let others draw their own conclusions about her. It's not my obligation to offer expiations about how she conducts herself or how she interacts with others.

In regards to red flags, I would read our article on boundaries, if you have boundaries, you'll have nothing to worry about 

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

[WhatToDo47]

I just want to add that depending on the person, talking about divorce is a difficult topic that many avoid it are uncomfortable to talk about. Your date may of gone through their own divorce and it could be a painful topic for them to talk about or then May if never experienced a divorce and are not sure what to say on the topic.

I've known my fiancé for 5 years. She knows my exuBPDw. She's  seen some of the messages that my exuBPDw has sent to me. I think that it's easier for people to come to their own conclusions, from my experience if you try to guide them they'l still want their own opinion about the matter.

From what she has observed ( mr fiancé) she has said that she ( uexuBPDw acts like a child ( emotionally immature ) she is impulsive, she's crazy etc. I've never influenced her observations, I have simply let her come to her own conclusion without offering her a diagnosis. She knows that  there's something wrong with my ex.

Im not a doctor or a medical professional and cannot diagnose my ex, only a doctor can do that! With that in mind, I don't give a medical diagnosis about my ex wife. If I say something I say that there's something wrong with her and let others draw their own conclusions about her. It's not my obligation to offer expiations about how she conducts herself or how she interacts with others.

In regards to red flags, I would read our article on boundaries, if you have boundaries, you'll have nothing to worry about 

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

Thanks, Mutt. Excellent advice as always. Looking forward to checking out the article during my lunch break today. Thanks for the link, I'm sure it will be super helpful.

Divorce can definitely be a touchy subject. My goal will be to talk as little as possible about the divorce and my BPD ex wife with my new partner. It's in the past and I'm quite done with it. But I know it will come up at some point so I want to be prepared.

I like your strategy of letting the new partner draw their own conclusions about the ex based on their behaviors. Sounds like your fiancé figured it out perfectly.

How did you meet your new fiancé, if you don't mind sharing. And also, congratulations!

[Mutt]

I'm glad to hear that you found it helpful and thanks!  I was ready for dating at a certain point for me, where I felt like I was comfortable to put myself out there, I went for a few dates from meeting people on dating platforms but I met her through daycare.

She was the teacher for my youngest. She sent me an email that she had some photos of him from day care that if I was interested I she would forward them to me. I knew that  she was interested, and I got a sense of who she was, my youngest was going to her room for a few months and I would see / talk to her every other week on switch on / switch off days with my kids.  I met her through daycare.

[WhatToDo47]

I'm glad to hear that you found it helpful and thanks!  I was ready for dating at a certain point for me, where I felt like I was comfortable to put myself out there, I went for a few dates from meeting people on dating platforms but I met her through daycare.

She was the teacher for my youngest. She sent me an email that she had some photos of him from day care that if I was interested I she would forward them to me. I knew that  she was interested, and I got a sense of who she was, my youngest was going to her room for a few months and I would see / talk to her every other week on switch on / switch off days with my kids.  I met her through daycare.

That is so wonderful and gives me hope and warms my heart.

God always makes it work out.

Congratulations, my friend. You deserve a wonderful life, everyone does, and we've all been through so much. Thanks for reminding me that, when you least expect it, things can get better.

I don't have any kids yet, so daycare won't work as a place to meet someone, but I'll keep my eyes open as I go about my life! haha