BPD ex broke up - She want to remains friend

[1kiri1]

Hi guys,

Sorry for my English it is not my first language. I just turned 23 y/o and she is also 23 y/o we broke up at the same time after 1.5 years of dating. It was honestly a bit sudden but we had a bunch of breaks up in the past that we got over with. After the break up we did not really speak to each other for a week and now she wants to remain friends, and I am not sure what to expect from it. I am not stable with my emotion right now since I am infinitely hurt by her but I also love her, not sure if it makes sense.

Anyway, my question is should I remain a friend, if so what is the outcome, and should I have hope of getting back with her even if I know it is toxic for me ( I kinda enjoy the up and down for w/e reason )? Lastly, if my goal is to get back with her should I ignore her for a month, move on mentally from it and then shoot a message and see how it goes?

I read that people with BPD tend to manipulate people a lot which I did feel in our relationship but I was hoping we could recreat those first four months of dating that we had at the start of our relationship if I were to talk to her in a month or so. ( Our break up was explosive let's put it that way also but again she wants to remain friends and I am really not sure why? ) I know this question has been asked a lot on a different forums and I am sorry for that.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[1kiri1]

PS: She also says time to time "well i totally understand if you dont wanna be friends with me  like if you are hurt by something i want to do then we prob shouldnt be friends" - which I am not sure how to interpret - sometimes she asks to be friend, she keep saying it is a bad idea and sometimes she tries to push me away but want me to make the decision of we don't speak anymore.

When I asked her what she wants the most she said " What I want the most Is for you to move on, and still be friend with me But to move on "

[AdRock]

I will only say, you can only be friends with her if you do not have an intention of being together with her again.  I say that from experience, it will be hell if you have any desire for her beyond being an actual friend.  I say this from a very dark place I find myself in at the moment and hoping she reaches out to me when I'm fairly certain she's involved with someone else and her marriage is not even over.  But, I'm giving you my advice because I understand what you are hoping for but if she is not willing to go back to that with you, you have to be in a place where you have no expectations of that happening again.  Friendships only work if both individuals are on the same page.  Good luck.

[1kiri1]

the thing is I feel she want me back but she need time to reset her self... I don't want to give up you know, and why would she want to be friend, tell me she would get hurt if I were to find someone else and so on if she would not want me back in a month or so.

[AdRock]

What I can say is I don't know her, so it's not possible for me to say what she wants or, more importantly for you, what she may want in the future down the road.  Everyone is different, even people with bpd.  I can tell you my story briefly.  Mine is married, chose her husband over me.  But we were involved this year, intensely.  She told me she shouldn't have chosen her husband over me.  Told me I was her "final guy" and she would never want anyone else but me.  Told me she never felt love before like she felt with me.  And then, one day, almost overnight, it all changed.  From needing me constantly to wanting next to nothing to do with me.  Told me it was so she can better herself and be better for her daughter.  But I am almost 100% positive that she is involved with a new guy.  Because I will probably always be whatever she wants me to be.  A best friend one minute, a lover the next, a stranger the next.
Why am I telling you all of this?  You need to prepare your heart for this and also understand that you have no idea what she may decide to do in regards to you.  And if you go into something with expectations, it may really PLEASE READing hurt you.  As I said, I don't know her.  But be careful.  Seriously.

[Cat Familiar]

People with BPD thrive on others being emotionally attached to them, though they may not reciprocate the feeling. Often the request to remain friends allows them to have a *back up* person on hold, in case their current relationship doesn’t work out.

[1kiri1]

Yea I will give it 1 month if we don't have sex within a month I will find someone else to force my self to move on.

[Turkish]

People with BPD (pwBPD) feel that their feelings don't matter and that they don't matter and are unworthy of being loved. Hers sounds like the flight response to avoid her internal pain.

In the first and only recycle with my ex, I was done. She had broken it off. Yet then she texted, "wouldn't you fight for someone you love?" So confusing...

I wouldn't ghost her, as that's cruel for anybody. Yet now the ball is in your court, so to speak. What do you want to do? There are many lessons (pinned at the top of the board) and tools to help you engage with a pwBPD.

[1kiri1]

I am mainly just confused on why befriend but not date? She said we will never date again but I feel she is coping and lying to herself because she acts in such a weird way... and even said she would get jealous if I were to find someone else.

[1kiri1]

I got a weird question, lets say I listen to you guys and focus on myself - I would have to block her - what is the outcome from me blocking her - will she move on, will she try to get me back - if she does message me somehow in a week - a month  - what should I expect from it?

It is crazy I never felt that much of burning love for someone in the first few months of our relationship and it just went downhill like we got exhausted from it. I wish it was sustainable I really wish. Those high were so high.

[1kiri1]

We can close this conversation I am done with her, thanks for the help.

[once removed]

We can close this conversation I am done with her, thanks for the help.

what happened?

[1kiri1]

Hi,

Sorry for late reply we basicly block each other ( she did first ) and she said few h ago "I’m sorry for everything
I do really wish things could be different
I know it probably means nothing to you but I really don’t want to hurt you
And I’m sorry"

Which confused me on what to do.

[1kiri1]

I think she really care about me - and I do to her ...