I don't want to leave

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey all,
I have been in a relationship with my undiagnosed BPD boyfriend for 3 years (we have known each other for 8). Sometimes he is incredibly loving, caring, supportive and empathetic. And sometimes he is the opposite of that. When he gets triggered and split he can be very mean, accuse me of being responsible for his misery, give me the silent treatment and stonewalling me.
He goes through phases where is mental health is overall good and the crises are quite sparce and limited. And depressive phases where I'm walking on eggshells and anything can trigger him. We've been in one of those for the past month and a half. After trying to be sober he went back into his alcohol addiction and drinks fairly regularly, which make things worse.

He's been waiting to have access to a free psychiatrist through the NHS (UK) for a year and nothing happened. A month ago he said of his own volition he was going to pay for a private psychiatrist (they are very expensive) but nothing happened.

Yesterday one of my friends told me I should leave - he doesn't say this kind of thing lightly and he's been holding his opinion for a while. It's not the first time I'm wondering if I should, last year during a rough phase I was wondering if it was inevitable. Yet I have a very strong resistance to it. I don't feel like any cell in my body agrees with this idea. I love him so much. I also love me and I know I 100% don't deserve to be treated the way he's been treating me lately.

It feels like the only alternatives are "let him treat me poorly during his crisis phase and continue suffering" or "leaving". I don't want any of those. What can I do? I'm in so much pain and I don't see hope anywhere.

[Melissinde]

Hey all,
I have been in a relationship with my undiagnosed BPD boyfriend for 3 years (we have known each other for 8). Sometimes he is incredibly loving, caring, supportive and empathetic. And sometimes he is the opposite of that. When he gets triggered and split he can be very mean, accuse me of being responsible for his misery, give me the silent treatment and stonewalling me.
He goes through phases where is mental health is overall good and the crises are quite sparce and limited. And depressive phases where I'm walking on eggshells and anything can trigger him. We've been in one of those for the past month and a half. After trying to be sober he went back into his alcohol addiction and drinks fairly regularly, which make things worse.

He's been waiting to have access to a free psychiatrist through the NHS (UK) for a year and nothing happened. A month ago he said of his own volition he was going to pay for a private psychiatrist (they are very expensive) but nothing happened.

Yesterday one of my friends told me I should leave - he doesn't say this kind of thing lightly and he's been holding his opinion for a while. It's not the first time I'm wondering if I should, last year during a rough phase I was wondering if it was inevitable. Yet I have a very strong resistance to it. I don't feel like any cell in my body agrees with this idea. I love him so much. I also love me and I know I 100% don't deserve to be treated the way he's been treating me lately.

It feels like the only alternatives are "let him treat me poorly during his crisis phase and continue suffering" or "leaving". I don't want any of those. What can I do? I'm in so much pain and I don't see hope anywhere.

[BigOof]

You're describing the cycle of domestic violence:

https://www.peaceoverviolence.org/iii-the-cycle-of-violence-and-power-and-control

Get out!

[Melissinde]

Yes he has emotionally abusive behaviours, from what I have been reading it is the case for most stories told on this forum.

I am not sure I posted my message in the right category as I would like our relationship to get better.

[Manic Miner]

Yes he has emotionally abusive behaviours, from what I have been reading it is the case for most stories told on this forum.

I am not sure I posted my message in the right category as I would like our relationship to get better.

What you need, IMO is good therapist and a friend that could guide you through this period. It sounds like your significant other is willing to get help. That is good. Try family counseling as well. But be sure to stick to therapy sessions as long as it takes. He also needs individual therapy to fix his drinking problem. In the mean time, you can check some tools here on this site that would boost your communication skills.

[15years]

This post is now also opened here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=353531.msg13177153#msg13177153