I don't want to leave

[Melissinde]

[This is a repost as I originally posted this in the "Conflicted" section and it wasn't the right one]

Hey all,
I have been in a relationship with my undiagnosed BPD boyfriend for 3 years (we have known each other for 8). Sometimes he is incredibly loving, caring, supportive and empathetic. And sometimes he is the opposite of that. When he gets triggered and split he can be very mean, accuse me of being responsible for his misery, give me the silent treatment and stonewalling me.
He goes through phases where is mental health is overall good and the crises are quite sparce and limited. And depressive phases where I'm walking on eggshells and anything can trigger him. We've been in one of those for the past month and a half. After trying to be sober he went back into his alcohol addiction and drinks fairly regularly, which make things worse.

He's been waiting to have access to a free psychiatrist through the NHS (UK) for a year and nothing happened. A month ago he said of his own volition he was going to pay for a private psychiatrist (they are very expensive) but nothing happened.

Yesterday one of my friends told me I should leave - he doesn't say this kind of thing lightly and he's been holding his opinion for a while. It's not the first time I'm wondering if I should, last year during a rough phase I was wondering if it was inevitable. Yet I have a very strong resistance to it. I don't feel like any cell in my body agrees with this idea. I love him so much. I also love me and I know I 100% don't deserve to be treated the way he's been treating me lately.

It feels like the only alternatives are "let him treat me poorly during his crisis phase and continue suffering" or "leaving". I don't want any of those. What can I do? I'm in so much pain and I don't see hope anywhere.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ForeverDad]

The caution I feel I need to express is that your BF has waited a year for free services but nothing happened.  Then he said he would pay for a therapist and until now nothing has happened.  Is he sincerely seeking help or is he merely saying it to convince you he is so remorseful that you're willing to stick by him until he finds a therapist?  Is he sincere to change or is he stringing you along?  One would think that by now he would have had ample opportunities to seek help (step 1) and then (2) diligently apply the therapy.  Are the delays believable?  How much more time will pass and still no progress?

I understand you don't want to end the relationship - actually, virtually all of us who arrived here desperate for answers were desperate to repair our troubled relationships - but it too often turned out that it was one person trying to resolve things, a two-person task.

[WitzEndWife]

I agree with the advice of therapy. For me, a lot of what I thought was "love" in the end turned out to be a trauma bond. I was 100 percent fixated on my husband and I shoved my own needs to the side. This is NOT easy, but emotional abuse is not okay and it CAN escalate, so it's important to assess your situation with a therapist. That person can also help you reconnect with your own needs, which is important to having a healthy and whole relationship.

Folks with BPD, if they don't get years of help and aren't dedicated to the treatment, won't change. If you're miserable now, it's not likely to be different in a month, six months, or years. Keep that in mind as you go through the process.