At my wits end with my mother and flying monkeys

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm at my wits end with my mother who definitely has BPD. I'm 27 and since I've graduated college five years ago, she's been an absolute nightmare. All my life, she had a string of boyfriends who would bear the brunt of her abuse and rage attacks. It made things easier for me even though I still got a lot of it. She's been single for the last four years and started drinking heavily (since her partner passed away from cancer), so most of her energy has been pouring into me, her only child. I can somewhat handle her behavior when we're in person, but she's absolutely horrible over text and we're at a distance. Whenever I lay a boundary down with her, she sends me dozens of texts about how terrible of a daughter I am, how pathetic I am for having anxiety/whatever information I mistakenly shared with her, how she should've had another kid, how much she loves me, basically oscillates between harassing me and then love bombing me immediately after(at her worst, she sent me 300+ text messages over a 4 day period when I moved for my first job after college. she's also repeatedly called the front desk at my work when I've had her blocked). I've considered getting a restraining order before.

Our current fight started off with me telling my mom that I have an appointment to get acting headshots taken (I'm a performer) and I'm feeling self conscious about my appearance. I'm doing EMDR right now on my body image issues, so the issue is more front and center for me than it usually is. I had a bout of insomnia this spring because of all the anxiety/depression I had after blocking my mother and definitely looked more tired than usual. I've since recovered thankfully and am doing much better, but I guess I was hoping she would say something supportive. I told my mom that I think my self consciousness "is all in my head and I actually think that I look better than I did two years ago". My mom rather rudely cut in and said, "oh, no you looked gorgeous two years ago...but we're all aging and you better like how you look now". I called her a b**** and hung up. And then she sent a barrage of texts over a 24-48 hour period about how terrible I am and how she can't believe I called her a bitch. I need to control myself a little better, but am I supposed to have no reaction to this constant abuse?

I live in the midwest and she's on the east coast. I'm planning a trip to a city near her to do comedy (I'm a comedian) and I told her that I won't be visiting her because of some insulting things she said. She has been insisting that we do family therapy together. I'm up for trying it once or twice, but I'm weary that she's just going to tell the therapist a half-truth and spin the situation to make it look like I'm the crazy one. I was so exhausted and upset after getting a barrage of texts from my mom that I canceled my flight yesterday morning. I was looking forward to hanging out with my friends/doing shows and just rebooked my flight last night for less time so I can go enjoy myself and not see my mother. I was also planning to stay at her boyfriend's apartment when visiting this city (he'd be out of town on vacation), but she said that I can't because she found out he might be going to a sex worker. The whole thing is just so chaotic,

I guess I'm writing this out for advice. My mom usually recruits her flying monkeys to call me when I have her blocked. One of her friends, I'll call her Jan, who was a former flying monkey, has recently taken my side and advocated on my behalf to my mother. I've really appreciated it because I feel like I have absolutely no advocates in this situation.  I guess until today--Jane said something that wasn't super validating. Jan emailed me that she talked to my mom to get her side of the story last night, and after listening to my side said that this situation reminds her of a movie that's about "how our perceptions differ when we have observed or taken part in the same incident...I feel as though I am viewing that movie..." I feel invalidated after that comment from Jan and like no one is listening to me or even cares what I have to say. I might tell Jan that I don't want to talk about my mother as much anymore. It seems like most of our phone conversations revolve around my relationship with my mom these days

My mom also texted me this afternoon how I have an anxiety problem and how I need to just relax. After getting like 100+ texts from her in the last 24 hours. I'm at my wits end with my mom and her flying monkeys and am considering going extremely low contact or no contact. Any advice? I feel like I'm addicted to her drama on some level and need a good clean break for a bit to get centered. Sorry if this is incoherent--I'm really upset right now.

[splendidvelcro]

I'm at my wits end with my mother who definitely has BPD. I'm 27 and since I've graduated college five years ago, she's been an absolute nightmare. All my life, she had a string of boyfriends who would bear the brunt of her abuse and rage attacks. It made things easier for me even though I still got a lot of it. She's been single for the last four years and started drinking heavily (since her partner passed away from cancer), so most of her energy has been pouring into me, her only child. I can somewhat handle her behavior when we're in person, but she's absolutely horrible over text and we're at a distance. Whenever I lay a boundary down with her, she sends me dozens of texts about how terrible of a daughter I am, how pathetic I am for having anxiety/whatever information I mistakenly shared with her, how she should've had another kid, how much she loves me, basically oscillates between harassing me and then love bombing me immediately after(at her worst, she sent me 300+ text messages over a 4 day period when I moved for my first job after college. she's also repeatedly called the front desk at my work when I've had her blocked). I've considered getting a restraining order before.

Our current fight started off with me telling my mom that I have an appointment to get acting headshots taken (I'm a performer) and I'm feeling self conscious about my appearance. I'm doing EMDR right now on my body image issues, so the issue is more front and center for me than it usually is. I had a bout of insomnia this spring because of all the anxiety/depression I had after blocking my mother and definitely looked more tired than usual. I've since recovered thankfully and am doing much better, but I guess I was hoping she would say something supportive. I told my mom that I think my self consciousness "is all in my head and I actually think that I look better than I did two years ago". My mom rather rudely cut in and said, "oh, no you looked gorgeous two years ago...but we're all aging and you better like how you look now". I called her a b**** and hung up. And then she sent a barrage of texts over a 24-48 hour period about how terrible I am and how she can't believe I called her a bitch. I need to control myself a little better, but am I supposed to have no reaction to this constant abuse?

I live in the midwest and she's on the east coast. I'm planning a trip to a city near her to do comedy (I'm a comedian) and I told her that I won't be visiting her because of some insulting things she said. She has been insisting that we do family therapy together. I'm up for trying it once or twice, but I'm weary that she's just going to tell the therapist a half-truth and spin the situation to make it look like I'm the crazy one. I was so exhausted and upset after getting a barrage of texts from my mom that I canceled my flight yesterday morning. I was looking forward to hanging out with my friends/doing shows and just rebooked my flight last night for less time so I can go enjoy myself and not see my mother. I was also planning to stay at her boyfriend's apartment when visiting this city (he'd be out of town on vacation), but she said that I can't because she found out he might be going to a sex worker. The whole thing is just so chaotic,

I guess I'm writing this out for advice. My mom usually recruits her flying monkeys to call me when I have her blocked. One of her friends, I'll call her Jan, who was a former flying monkey, has recently taken my side and advocated on my behalf to my mother. I've really appreciated it because I feel like I have absolutely no advocates in this situation.  I guess until today--Jane said something that wasn't super validating. Jan emailed me that she talked to my mom to get her side of the story last night, and after listening to my side said that this situation reminds her of a movie that's about "how our perceptions differ when we have observed or taken part in the same incident...I feel as though I am viewing that movie..." I feel invalidated after that comment from Jan and like no one is listening to me or even cares what I have to say. I might tell Jan that I don't want to talk about my mother as much anymore. It seems like most of our phone conversations revolve around my relationship with my mom these days

My mom also texted me this afternoon how I have an anxiety problem and how I need to just relax. After getting like 100+ texts from her in the last 24 hours. I'm at my wits end with my mom and her flying monkeys and am considering going extremely low contact or no contact. Any advice? I feel like I'm addicted to her drama on some level and need a good clean break for a bit to get centered. Sorry if this is incoherent--I'm really upset right now.

[Methuen]

Splendidvelcro, I can hear the exasperation in your voice.  

I love it that you are a comedian. That’s brilliant!

How do you go about setting a boundary? What works and what doesn’t?

Our current fight started off with me telling my mom that I have an appointment to get acting headshots taken (I'm a performer) and I'm feeling self conscious about my appearance.

Way way too much personal info you are sharing with her Splendid velcro. One thing many of us who have been here a while have learned is to not share personal info, otherwise it’s like giving her ammunition to hurt you.  Better and safer to keep the convo on neutral topics rather than personal ones.

The sex worker thing might be a figment of her imagination.  Maybe she’s “afraid” this is happening bcause of her own insecurities.  Once she thinks it, it becomes a fact for her.  My mom once created a drama about her boyfriend cheating on her with another woman.  We didn’t know about BPD.  There was no other woman - but she “imagined” there was and told us there was “as a fact”.  Sometimes its hard to know fact from fiction with BPD.  Or maybe there is a sex worker. But I always exercise a healthy skepticism with my mother’s “facts”.

It seems risky to discuss relationship problems you have with your mom, with her friend (Jan).   I don’t tell anybody except my H, my T, and this board.  Nobody else is going to “get it” unless they have experience or expertise with BPD or maybe some other  mental illness. It’s only a matter of time until something you tell Jan gets back to your mom, or gets twisted or misunderstood.

Honestly, I think it would be more helpful  to use this board and a good T to find safe support.  

Thoughts?

So back to boundaries, if your mom sends you a hundred texts, does that mean you  have  answered one or more of them?

[splendidvelcro]

Hi Meuthen,

Thanks so much for your reply! I've definitely calmed down since my initial post. Yeah, comedy helps coping with a difficult situation  I already feel a little hopeful with some of your advice. I think you're right. I'm sharing far too much personal information with her. I'm generally very open with most of my friends, but I need to put her on an information diet. I think that shouldn't be too difficult because she has no issue talking about herself for 45+ minutes before asking me a question about my day 

I think I'm not so clear with my boundaries. Sometimes I am very clear and tell her that I won't be responding and will block her phone number for 24 or 48 hours. Once I do that, she usually reaches out through email (she has about 5 email accounts where she'll reach out to me)--I usually start reacting at that point and give into her games. This is the point where I get really frustrated. I end up having to block these individual emails. Sometimes I get curious, though, and open my spam folder to see what/how often she's writing. I've considered changing my phone number. My old therapist recommended even getting another phone line and leaving my old phone number to be used with my mom. But I don't want to have to live like a drug dealer. With this most recent fight, I ignored her initial 40 texts, but then the next day I was responding a LOT. She'll say ridiculous things like, "I think you don't want to see me because you're starving yourself" and I'll take the bait...Or I get really frustrated and tell her to "leave me alone and stop texting me so much and you have BPD and need treatment". I'm sure that's a horrible thing to say to someone with BPD. I need to lay down my boundaries in a neutral way that doesn't cause her more pain, yeah? 

Sometimes I find that blocking her makes her behavior more severe, so I thought i'd try not blocking her this week as an experiment. But I end up reading her messages and responding, which makes me feel exhausted by the end.

The sex worker point you make is a good one--what she was sharing with me didn't sound super clear, so I think some healthy skepticism is a good thing here. Probably some paranoia on her part.

Our biggest issue now is that she wants to spend time with me and I don't want to spend time with her as much anymore because I feel really depressed after our visits. She is always pitching vacation ideas to me and tries to get me to agree to spend 10-14 days with her. I usually agree with her when she pitches these vacation ideas because she doesn't take no for an answer. I think a part of me wants to spend time with her. But once the time comes to buy a flight, I start feeling extremely anxious and back out, which triggers the explosion. I live a few states away, so I can't just see her for lunch or a dinner, so it makes visiting really difficult. I wish we could avoid these explosions because I really do miss the good parts of her.

I share my struggles with my mom with a lot of my friends and routinely get let down by some of their reactions. I think I'll stop sharing it with people outside of therapy and this board. I do have a couple friends that I think are safe/empathetic enough to share with, but I think I'll cut down on sharing with other people. I'm finding myself talking in circles with no path to healing when I complain about her. I don't know what reaction I'm looking for from people.

She said she's contacting some family therapists tomorrow to do some mediation/family therapy. I hope they will see that she has BPD and recommend individual treatment, but I'm not holding my breath

Thanks so much! I appreciate the advice!