A resource lacking, maybe bpdfamily could include NC board?

[Imatter33]

Hey all,

I made the decision to go NC about three and a half years ago. I am doing well! And any time I have thought about going back to contact of some kind my rationale keeps me in the NC camp.

However,
I have wanted to read stories and engage with others... in the long haul of NC and get support in the fluctuation of feelings encompassed in years of NC.

Thoughts?

[Riv3rW0lf]

I agree with the wanting to talk with others that are no contact. I however wonder if a new board is necessary.

Do you think it would attract more people? Or maybe keep people that are no contact around more on the forum?  I recall a few that went no contact and seemed to have left the forum shortly after but maybe it is unrelated.

Just inquiring, as I think posts titled about no contact would attract those of us who are no contact like you, so I am wondering what advantages you think a whole board would bring?

Getting the conversation rolling 

[Couscous]

Crazy coincidence, but I was actually just thinking yesterday that it would be nice if we could also to have a "Detaching and Learning" board too.

[missing NC]

A board devoted to growing through NC is a great idea! I would really value such a resource but wonder if there is sufficient critical mass to get and keep it going. 

[Couscous]

I would really value such a resource but wonder if there is sufficient critical mass to get and keep it going. 

Perhaps seeing such a board would help people realize that it’s not “NC and done”, and that detachment is actually the first step of a long journey?

[missing NC]

I could not agree with you more, Couscous, about detachment being the first step of a long journey. 

[Imatter33]

Growing through NC is a nice way to phrase what I think would be helpful

I feel like getting to the point of NC is a hurdle.
You jump over it.
You  can't believe you survived jumping...
but the rest of the road/journey  is full of SNEAKY potholes.

Potholes:
Am I making boundaries in NC?
What are the boundaries in NC?
Navigating estrangement from  more than you bargained for. (the entire family)

BIG potholes: Births, and Deaths in the family, FOG *10000

And also:
Celebrate the good, rants and raves?

[Riv3rW0lf]

You are selling it well ! 

[etown]

I would love an NC board! I feel like there's a lot of information about the initial decision, but it's such a strange experience in the long term. I'd love to discuss this with others.

[lm1109]

I love this idea! If there is not enough people to justify starting a whole board then maybe we could just start some threads specifically for NC. I would personally love to interact with others who are in the same place or successfully gone NC long-term...it is definitely a roller coaster of emotions and it's not something that someone who doesn't have a parent with a PD could possibly understand!

[kells76]

maybe we could just start some threads specifically for NC.

Good idea lm1109, that could be a great place to start: maybe preface thread titles here with "NC", for example this thread could be called "NC: A resource lacking, maybe bpdfamily could include NC board?", and see how people interact with that?

[Clouds46]

This is definitely something I've been looking for having been NC a few years, I think it's a great idea also.

[beatricex]

Some time ago I went 7 years NC with my entire FOO except a brother.  Broke it.  Since I've accumulated 1.5 years NC with entire FOO.

It's peaceful, I don't miss the drama.  At first it was very very difficult since I was alone (unmarried).  This time, I have a husband who supports me.

 

b

[Turkish]

Good idea lm1109, that could be a great place to start: maybe preface thread titles here with "NC",

This is a great idea. Good subject titles draw readers and support that is focused. That's why "Help!" Or "New Here" posts tend to be retitled if caught early.

There used to be a separate Coping board. It tended to lean pretty negative with little growth. PSI members have occasional disagreements. People have disagreed with me, and that was OK. We're all peers here. Yet this board has been pretty positive insofar as peer support for years now.

Before I landed here when it was two boards, I heard that a previous incarnation of the other board used to be borderline toxic, no pun intended. Very black and white thinking and no grace for disagreement.

Before I came to BPDF in 2013, there was a group of step parents that were openly advocating violence towards BPD moms on a co-parenting board. It was very bad. I've only seen step-moms as heroes since I've been here. There's a great core group who've stuck around.

There tends to be a "critical mass" where discussions can go either way. Social contagion is a real thing.

I think titling threads with NC, LC (short or long form, but specific) is a good idea. It's an implicit invitation for members to participate.

Logistically, there's also the issue of participation, or board load. That's the primary reason the last two separate boards were consolidated and renamed PSI: dead threads, low participation.

[Couscous]

What I would actually really love is a separate Recovery board. In fact it would be kind of nice if that were one of the things listed in BPDFamily's mission statement. I'm not sure I understand how it is even possible to preserve the family without having gone through recovery first.    

[missing NC]

I like Couscous's term "Recovery"...and boy am I not there yet! I have a question for those who are closer to that elusive goal, which might sound really odd:  I don't know how to get past knowing that the horror show of my family's disfunction/abuse will inevitably be passed to the next generations. 

My brother and I don't have contact with my sister (BPD, NPD with strong APD traits) or her children, both in their early twenties.  Our parents are deceased. My sister is on the far side of the Cluster B continuum with very little conscience and unfortunately some excellent tools given that she is an attorney. I think the word narcissist is a bit overused but I can categorically state that my "nephew" easily meets the clinical definition of NPD, which is not surprising given that he has been raised almost exclusively by a sociopath.  To be clear, my "nephew" is willing to harm others to get what he wants, but he is not nearly as bad as my sister, who relishes inflicting such harm when she feels the other party deserves it. (I am putting "nephew" in quotes because his adoption was illegal given that his birth mother, a high school student, was instructed to lie in court and say that she did not know who the father was when in fact it was her then-high school boyfriend from whom the pregnancy was hidden.)

I doubt my niece will have children as she was born with some brain damage (possibly due to my sister bullying the nurses to give her an upper GI despite their correct belief that she was pregnant) and, while high functioning, does not appear to have much social interaction that might lead pregnancy.  My maternal grandfather was abusive to my mom. So it just sickens me that the young man my sister raised will no doubt reproduce (if he has not already) and continue the cycle.  I don't know why it bothers me so much when for all I know the same cycle is repeating itself in some other form with the family down the street or the next block over. But it really does.  While recognizing that this concern may be somewhat esoteric for the board, I'm open to any words of wisdom from anyone has mastered radical acceptance on the generational trauma and disfunction front.         

[Riv3rW0lf]

missingNC, how do you feel about a God, Universe, no-coincidences. Would you qualify yourself as a spiritual person?

I am asking because this belief that we are "taken care of" as long as we are looking to improve really helped me detach myself emotionnally from my FOO's abuse and decisions.

I am at a point now where I accepted my powerlessness over my FOO. I can still get triggered, but emotionnally speaking, I am much more aware of my own power and where it stops. When I reach that limit, I place them into the universe's "hands", knowing that they are getting what they need for their healing.

Some people don't want to heal, but I do believe the family as a whole system, over time, might evolve positively. And if it doesn't, then I trust that there has to be a reason to it... Maybe there are some people made to abuse others and to suffer, and as sick and twisted as it is : they are often our best teachers. So maybe my brother and mother, through their struggles, are actually setting a lot more people on a healthier path, and maybe this is the universe's plan in the end.

There is a lot of suffering in the world, and often, all this suffering is a cause to lose faith, I understand that. But then... Without this suffering, there would be no hope either, there would be no need for improvement, no need to get to a better place, to get back to love to God, whatever you call it... This space of peace inside.

I stopped believing in coincidences a long time ago when I travelled alone through West Canada with a backpack at 17. It became clear to me that something out there was looking out for me... I am discovering everyday the story of my life, and I have no power over the stories of others, so I stay within my book.

Whether I am right or not, whether this is real or not, it doesn't matter. It doesn't mean, for me, that I am losing my power entirely, but it does mean that I need to stop wasting time in places where I don't hold any power, and try and make some good where I actually can make good... My community, my own children. The more good I put out there, the stronger I feel, the easier it becomes to accept my powerlessness with my FOO.

Those thoughts help me. I hope you can find the meaning and sense to help you. Might be something else than what I came up with, but it helps to make a story and make sense... Finding a meaning to the meaninglessness of it all helps.

[missing NC]

I so appreciate your beautiful words, Riv3rW0lf.  I read your response multiple times. 

It helps to feel seen. I have trouble with all of this for the obvious reasons but also because my experiences are so unrelatable.   I feel like an outlier among outliers.   

I had read many of your previous posts over the last year (?). So, though I am still struggling a lot, it gave me so much pleasure to read that you have found a measure of peace. 

You are right about abusers having the potential to be one's best teachers. If memory serves, I think that was actually actually a quote from the Buddha about one's worst enemy being one's best teacher. 

I'm sure I'll be in a better place in five or six years.  Thank you for your kindness, and best wishes for continued growth and equanimity on your own journey.     

[Imatter33]

This thread has grown nicely. All the different thoughts centering around the one main idea of maintaining the NC, and sharing how we all do that, plus grow as people. I like it!

I'm all over the map emotionally today. The kind of day that I wish I could call "my"  supportive mom and get her support.  I am craving the quintessential warm fuzzy relationship today.

If I were to reach out to friends or even "surrogate mothers"  ( for lack of a better term) today
 because of my emotions... I don't know that it would help. It sometimes leaves me feeling hollow...

Mostly because Today right now...

[I miss my f***ing mom

Mine.


I just want to create a small space  here where I can say... and emotionally acknowledge,

Miss you mom.
Love you.

I'm not going to contact you because of these emotions...but they count for something. 

[Couscous]

I was thinking earlier today that probably the worst part about having been raised by a BPD mother is that we learned to abandon ourselves on just about level -- and then this article landed in my inbox with a long list of examples, all of which I struggle with:

Examples of self-abandonment:

Not trusting your instincts – second-guessing yourself, overthinking and ruminating, letting others make decisions for you, and assuming they know more than you do.
People-pleasing – seeking validation from others, suppressing your needs and interests to please others.
Hiding parts of yourself – giving up your interests and goals, not sharing your feelings.
Perfectionism – having unrealistically high expectations for yourself, never feeling worthy regardless of how much you do and what you accomplish.
Self-criticism and judgment – saying hurtful and mean things to yourself when you don’t meet your own painfully high standards.
Not honoring your needs – not recognizing that your needs are valid, failing to practice self-care, feeling unworthy of self-care.
Suppressing your feelings – pushing away uncomfortable feelings through denial, mood-altering substances, and avoidance.
Not acting according to your values – doing things to please others even if they go against your beliefs and values.
Codependent relationships – focusing on someone else’s needs, wants, and problems and neglecting yourself.
Not speaking up for yourself – not asking for what you need, not setting and enforcing boundaries, letting people take advantage of you.

https://www.livewellwithsharonmartin.com/self-abandonment-what-it-is-and-how-to-stop/

At least by going NC we have put an end to some major self-abandonment, but clearly there is so much more to recovery than going NC. I feel like it's going to take several lifetimes to recover...