Bedtime outbursts

[Confusedandsad]

My daughter in law has BPD. I worry for her children because of this. She will have outbreaks when they do not do what they are told, especially when it is bedtime. The children are 3 and 1.

I don't know what to do to help. When I try I'm accused of taking over.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Couscous]

Hi Confusedansad,

I can only imagine how painful this situation must be for you. My heart goes out to you and to your grandchildren.

I have a few thoughts. 

Since you have identified bedtime as a challenging time of day, you could offer, in a calm moment, that you will do the bedtime routine for a certain number of days per week in order to give her a much needed break, while she takes time for self-care/relaxation time. You could offer to babysit at other times as much as you are willing and able, and to just spend as much time with them as you can manage without wearing yourself out. Taking care of yourself during her meltdowns is very important too. Since you will not be able to reason with her during her outbursts, if the children are not in any physical danger then possibly the best thing for you to do is to leave, even if it's just to go for a walk.

You could ask her if she is open to it any suggestions, and if so you could suggest that she join a parenting support group and learn gentle parenting techniques from a resource such as this: https://www.ahaparenting.com/ She could also learn about child development so that she can understand what children are capable of at different ages and stages.

This is a very challenging situation and I wish you all the best.

[Sancho]

Hi Confusedandsad
It is such an awful situation. Do you mind me asking if they live with you? I am assuming they might be because you witness this pattern of behaviour.

Yes it is often impossible enough making suggestions to a DIL who doesn't have BPD, but put BPD in the mix and it is very risky.

You will have read many posts here where grandchildren are withdrawn - heart breaking stuff!

We walk a tightrope just to be part of our grandchildren's lives - suggestions are taken as 'taking over', and if the children attach to us - well that really triggers things!

Try to step back and look at how you can be involved while minimising triggers.