Follow my pre-written script with my mother or keep it 'light'

[Archa133]

Hello, I've been reading posts on here for a while but this is the first time I've done a board post (hopefully I've done it correctly). Not sure how to proceed and advice is welcome. Tomorrow is my birthday. I've had limited contact with my mother this year as her self-harming behaviour continues, she remains in denial about needing help. It's been devastating. I did not call her after her last last self-harming event (she took pills and called the ambulance herself. She was discharged the same day). I believe she wanted my attention and that's why she did it.
That was back in early July. She called a week ago when we were about to go away and I asked my husband to phone her and tell her I'd call when we returned (I was scared her behaviour would escalate to self-harming again if I didn't give her some response).
After her last self-harming attempt I've had a script in my head of what to say (worked through with a psychologist) along the lines of 'I love you very much but your behaviour these last few years has been devastating and has taken a  toll on myself, my husband and my kids too. When you are ready to stop this harmful behaviour and get help I'm ready to support you but until then I can't be in contact'. I don't think there's much to be gained from saying these things to her so now I'm thinking I should just keep it light tell her about the trip away, be vague about a future catch up for my birthday (something like 'I'll call you in a few weeks') and get off the phone. But that doesn't seem like the way to go either.
Either way the idea of calling her is making me feel sick to my stomach. The last time I attempted to have a conversation with her about her mental health she got very angry, swore at me and hung up on me

[Riv3rW0lf]

Archa133,

Happy birthday  

I am glad you posted.

Going no contact is not easy. I get it. For me it ended up mostly unannounced, until my BPD mother decided to write... Then I answered stating I couldn't accept her invitation to "go back into the family fold." There was a backlash, her flipping the tables on me, blaming me, projections in a follow up letter. To which I simply answered that I was not who she described in her letters... And I reiterated that I was opened to meeting with her in the presence of a psychologist, a mediator of sorts, to discuss our relationship.

But I remember feeling what you are describing now... Like I had to somehow anonce my NC to her, or explain her why.. I don't know, being in unannounced no contact left me with an unnerving feeling of still being attached to her and her emotional roller coaster, when I just wanted out of it. Like I was trapped in limbo, between two realities, and I was simply not seeing a road out of it.

I wrote a long letter that I couldn't muster the courage to send... And she ended up writing me first... Which forced me to anonce No Contact...

All this to say : I get your feeling. And I wish I could tell you what way is better : sending a letter or not... But in the end : you are the one leading the no contact, so it has to be on your own terms.

One thing I learned though, and regretted was that I blocked her on social media, when unfriending her would have been a more gentle approach... This is basically how I anonced No Contact, in a way... by unfriending her on Facebook and blocking her on messenger... not my proudest moment, but the only thing I had enough courage for... I ended up unblocking her a few weeks later when I realized that I was sending a message that I was angry, that I wanted to erase her and hurt her, which was not at all my goal. I did clarify this in my reply letter to her... We were already very low contact when I did that.

So I guess my road toward no contact was very awkward and clumsy... But I made it. And you will too. It helps not to see it as a complete no contact with double barricades...in the end : I did give her the key, which was a family meeting with a therapist. So really, our current no contact situation is her decision, because she is the one deciding not to meet me with a therapist...

I guess the question is : are you more comfortable with the idea of low contact, or do you need no contact to heal and find yourself?

[Couscous]

Hello and welcome! 

I think it’s very important to pay attention to our body’s signals. The thought of talking to her makes you sick to your stomach. So why not write and send the script via snail mail?