My pwBPD just threw me out and I am worried about her

[sam_the_wise]

My pwBPD just threw me out. We have been having this argument for over two months now. She thinks I deserve to be derided, mocked and disrespected because I threatened her safety by expressing a desire to have my parents visit once every two three years in distant future. I give her that I was angry with my parents when we were dating and did convince her that I don’t want any contact with them and she based her decision to marry me because I am going to keep them out of our marriage. I still stand true on that actions wise. Over 1.5 years of our marriage she hasn’t been exposed to any of them which is unlike our culture and I loved this arrangement. But the fact that I expressed the above said desire in a weak emotional moment, is reason for her to distrust me, and disrespect me as someone who is a turncoat a betrayer of her trust. I empathized with her, telling her that I understand how she feels but that is not reality, I had a weak moment, I was not making any decisions neither I will without taking her safety in account. But her problem was it revealed a thing about me that I am weak and I can take a U Turn. I kept defending myself that I am not a betrayer and she kept saying that. This went on for two months.
I kept telling her don’t disrespect me or belittle me, and she took it is my arrogance of demanding respect after betraying her in such fashion. To be honest I do feel that I didn’t do something to deserve this kind of treatment. While I understand how she felt and saw it, I can see the reality that I have never ever prioritized my parents over her. They are not even close. But she thinks that I have no right to feel hurt when she will throw those disappointments and insults and lies about me.
Now the last word she just said was that I am an arrogant and she doesn’t want to see me again. And asked me to send divorce papers. I don’t know how to feel about this. 

[khibomsis]

Sam, I am so sorry to hear you are in this position! Basically pwBPD have no half measures, you are either all good or all bad. You can read about splitting here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0

You expressing some doubt about not seeing your parents caused her to split you. The BPD renders her incapable of thinking 'Sam was angry with his parents at the time' , and instead you are now all bad.

The fact is, pwBPD often try to isolate their partners and separate them from their family. It means there are no witnesses as the non slowly loses parts of themselves. She may have placed a huge importance on the fact that you were not talking to your family and that she would not have to deal with them. There may be a history of bad relationships with in-laws, maybe she has trouble getting along with people? Now she feels cheated, and yes, may be seriously re-considering the marriage because of it. It matters that much to her that you are isolated from your family.

So consider well, going forward, whether this would be good for you and your mental health. Perhaps you may have dodged a bullet? Because if this is a source of conflict now, the dynamics will get much, much worse should you decide to have children together. You might have wished them to see their grandparents sometimes, she would get angry with you and yet you would feel you had no option but to stay for the children's sake. Take a look at the 'Conflicted' board to see many parents like that.

Enjoy the time alone, it is peaceful. And it really gives you a chance to process.  Your wife is in therapy, but if she isn't doing the work, she is unlikely to get better. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? How is it taking care of you?
When is your next therapy session? Might be something to get you some support while you work through this tough time.

 

[sam_the_wise]

I had a therapy sessions after that. But before the session I had already gotten back with her, accepted that she had every right to treat me the way she treated because she was just expressing her state which is part of her process of healing. I accepted that I was the one who caused this incident by taking a U turn in the first place and denied responsibility by defending myself in face of her accusations of betrayal, I had it coming to me. I accepted all this and I also promised her, that till she completely heals from this incident which can be years, whenever she will get these realizations of what I did, she will lash out and I have to take it in quietly as I deserve it. She on her turn accepted that she has abusive behavior where she can be kinder and understanding. She denied point blank that BPD has anything to do with this parent incident and as per her it is all my fault. Any sane person would react the way she reacted and I should have acknowledged that what I did is tantamount to cheating. That’s where she stands. She also hinted to not continue therapy with same therapist, who has diagnosed her with BPD. She has her reasons which stand alone make sense.

I did have a therapy session the second this conversation ended. My therapist told me, that abuse is abuse and it is not acceptable even if the abuser is suffering from mental illness. They carry themselves well in public, in situations where they have less control, but here they let their demons loose which is unfair. Unfair is what I have felt about our marriage for 1.5 years and only a few weeks before we have found out about her BPD. Therapist said, she cannot pick and choose incidents that have BPD. It is a personality disorder so it encompasses her entire behavior so my wife saying that she accepts she has BPD but this parent incident doesn’t come in that is illogical at best and selfish at worst, because she has chosen to accept trauma and depression as part of her reaction to incident because it fits her narrative but conveniently left BPD alone because that puts the responsibility on her. Therapist further said, I as an equal partner in the relationship who has done things for her, should get a regard, kind of benefit of doubt or simple understanding, in an effort from her to preserve the relationship but her reaction every-time is to abuse me and reconsider the relationship itself, which is not a way a marriage should be. I told the therapist that I have chose to stay and accept all the things written in passage above because I hope that once this incident passes she will take more responsibility. She left her job her country and a set career to get married and come here and she is now starting school next week. I am her soul source of all kinds of support here, and it seemed to cruel to me to leave her even emotionally (as I was planning to support her otherwise) at this point. I said maybe she learned from the incident and will not treat me badly. My therapist asked me to at least keep it in my mind clear that what she does is abuse and I don’t deserve it. I have also been asked to read about codependency and emotional abuse and their interplay to understand where my actions are coming from.

There is going to be some distance between us as she is in a different city for her school. However that never stopped her from having her revelations about me as she puts it. In those moments, she expects me to engage in the abuse she has in store for me as she deals with those emotions and hurls insults, mockery and accusations and disappointments at me for what I did in this parent incident and whatever happened now will also be part of the script going forward. If I exit the situation, if I defend in any way, if I ask her not to hurt me in any way, it will be taken as inconsistent behavior from me as I accepted yesterday  that I deserve it all. My only option is to sit and listen and show genuine remorse when she says all those things and categorically accept everything she has to say. She says it is not fun for her to do all this but she is feels this way because of me so she has to express. I have agreed to subject to myself to all this, in hopes that she will not hurt me and one day she will be with independent and I will not feel as bad to leave her if this goes on as I described it above. No kids as neither me or she is good to have kids. Wish me strength and good luck.

[khibomsis]

Strength and good luck, Sam.