tendency to overfunction in relationships after dealing with BPD relatives

[Channing]

Hello everyone,

I have been working hard on "recovering" from dealing with my BPD relatives and one of the tasks has been confronting my own tendency to overfunction in relationships with other people and then feel upset/disappointed by the outcome. I very much want to have positive and healthy relationships but I have been a caretaker in my family of origin for so long that it feels natural to me and I keep gravitating toward that role in my other relationships.

 Right now, I have a couple who have been living with me for the past three years. They are friends of friends who immigrated to the U.S. in 2019 and they very much needed an affordable place to live while they did job training and got on their feet. I rented them some rooms in the lower level of my house at a very cheap rate (barely covering their utility share) thinking that I was helping them and it could be nice to get to know them. I have helped them a lot with immigration paperwork, job training, dealing with banks and other services.

Long story short, I told them a few months ago that I need the rooms back so my son and a friend can use them and asked them to find another place. They are telling me they can't find another place and are lying to me about things like their current employment. They are telling me that if I make them leave that one of them will lose her job because she can't commute there from another location. I know these things are not true and I feel very hurt that they are trying to manipulate me.

Although this is painful, I also feel like I should learn from this. I did not set healthy boundaries from the start, which is a product of my upbringing with a BPD mother. I feel like I do not know how to be kind to people who need help but still set boundaries that keep me safe from being hurt and exploited. Part of me just feels like shutting down and not extending myself to help others anymore. But that feels so sad and I think there must be a better way.  If any of you have similar issues I would like to know if you have any insights about this area of growth -- it has been a real struggle for me and I would like to improve.

[pursuingJoy]

Can I tell you 2 quick stories?

I work with refugees, and some are lucky enough to get sponsor groups. Unless they're trained really well, most sponsor groups tend to do everything for the refugees, instead of empowering the refugees with tools they need to succeed. I mean, how could you not, considering all they've endured to find a new life? BPD may have played a role, but please know that it's really normal for native-born people to do exactly what you're doing. It's not too late to set boundaries. In fact, empowering them to live independently is the most loving thing you can do for them.

At 28 I found myself a single mom with three kids and nowhere to live. My church was kind enough to lend me a house they owned. When my kids and I moved in, it was with a very explicit deadline - the expectation was that I find a job and move out in 6 months. I was scared and alone so back then, their deadline felt a little extreme. My entire life had been upended. Now I look back and I realize that the boundary they set is a large part of the reason I'm independent and successful today. Empowering me to live independently was the most loving thing they could do for me.

I feel like I do not know how to be kind to people who need help but still set boundaries that keep me safe from being hurt and exploited.

Is it their lies that make you feel hurt? What do you think is motivating them at this point?

It's ok for you to need and ask for the space back.
Trust your friends' resilience and strength, even if they don't trust their own.
Set a deadline, kindly and firmly, and operate with the expectation that the deadline will be met.

[zachira]

You are not alone in overfunctioning in relationships after dealing with BPD relatives. So often those of us who come from dysfunctional families are kind and generous to the wrong kind of people.The way you are being treated by your renters, could have gone either way. There are people who would have been extremely appreciative of your generosity and kindness, and would have let you know very early on how much they appreciate you being there for them, by genuinely thanking you and doing things for you. Since last year, I am very low contact with most of my relatives and no contact with some of them. I am now seeing that it is time to work on 1) How I create my own problems by being nice to the wrong people, like listening to them for long periods of time without them showing any real interest in me. 2) Often feeling unworthy of genuinely fine people, sometimes wishing they had more problems I could help them with. You are on a steep learnig curve, aware of your mistakes, and will get better at being able to have more rewarding relationships with people. Perhaps the challenge is to look for heartfelt genuine connection with people as the first step in having the right kind of people in your life.

[Channing]

Pursuing Joy and Zachira, I can't thank you enough for these comments. They are just what I needed to hear right now!

Pursuing Joy, I think you are describing my situation exactly. This couple has become too dependent on me. Although I am old enough to be their mother -- I'm not! : )  I also feel very hurt that they are not being honest with me about their jobs. They have been traveling and shopping and I know they can afford to move out -- they just don't want to. I really appreciate the moral support.

Zachira, you are so right that the learning curve feels steep right now. I don't want to give up on being a person who "helps" I just need to be more comfortable setting and sticking with limits. That kind of behavior was so harshly punished in my home that it feels very foreign to me.

[pursuingJoy]

Trust your motivation Channing.  You've got their best interests at heart as well as your own. It's ok if it feels foreign. You've got this! Keep us posted.