Mom's Property Finally Re-Sold By Investor

[Turkish]

A little over a year ago, my mom's 5 acres and hoard home was literally falling apart: rotted and leaking roof, collapsing ceilings with black mold, collapsing living room floor, bad "foundation" (on piers), bad plumbing and full of junk. It was auctioned for about $18k in back taxes. Because my mom tossed the will that left it to me, I would have had to pay for probate as well as taxes. Minus probate fees, I would have had to split or buy out my mom's husband's two remaining children.

I let it go up for for auction.  A friend said he'd put up half, but I wouldn't put up more than $25k. It sold for about $120k. He was upset that I didn't put up more. He was in on the auction, texting me updates. Once it went above $50k late in the day I told him I was out, much to his chagrin.

Investors often don't visit properties.

My friend was in town from out of state and made us drive by though I didn't want to. The property was cleared and the home restored. A few internal walls were knocked down. New roof, siding, interior (with spartan furnishings). They would have had to do new plumbing and electrical as well as refresh the septic tank. My buddy was disappointed. He said they spent no more than $100k. I told him that he was nuts. Just permits in Cali had to be at least $50k. They also redid the foundation. Not a slab, but they poured and had to have jacked up the house. The yard also had to be cleared including a non-towable construction office that was filled with junk.

Still, it was sad seeing everything much newer than when my mom bought it in 1988. Sale was pending... when we looked it up, it was first for sale at $450k in April. Then a $150k price drop, then delisted and relisted for $299k. Sat for 2 months. Desperate to sell? It might have gone for that or over or under. I'll check in a month. They didn't make the money they thought that they would though.

The upside is that when I got home today I received the notice from the county that the excess proceeds will go to me, minus 25% attorney's fees. Maybe it was for the better, especially being 120 miles away. I could have only slowly cleaned it up. Our thought was to raze the home and park a modular. No way I'd get a 2nd on my primary home or tap my 401(k) to pay for it. Nevermind the emotional toll. Not logical, but real.

How do I feel about it? Bummed, but not messed up. I only wish that my mom had trusted me enough not to "put her in a home" over 20 years ago that she had put me on the title. But it is what it is. I can't claim the funds for over a year as they're going into a trust, but it will be enough to invest some and put some into my primary home. Maybe it all worked out for the better.

[seekingpeace2day]

I am sorry that you are feeling this anguish. I can relate to confusion and severe internal pain as pertains to FOO.

From what you wrote, it sounds like this was an ideal outcome, and relatively drama free all things considered. The proceeds that you will receive are "guaranteed" and could easily exceed what you could have made in a nightmare rehab, without the risk, drama, time, and hassle.

That's just from the money side, though. It seems to me that what might hurt the most: I only wish that my mom had trusted me enough not to "put her in a home" over 20 years ago that she had put me on the title.

You don't say anything else about your mom here, but in my FOO, so called "trust" really means enmeshment. My father could not enmesh with me, so he only "trusted" my GC sister. Even though the rejection hurts like hell, I know that I don't want that kind of "trust" and could never tolerate that kind of "trust."

[Turkish]

My mom adopted me when I was 2.4. Parentification? Some, as well as emotional incest from a single mother, or at the least much oversharing. The lack of her trusting me hurt. I don't need the money though I don't have property where I grew up and still have friends.

[Notwendy]

Sounds like it was the best of all outcomes. Consider the time, energy, and money it took to restore that property. That took a lot, and if someone wanted to do that, you didn't have to.

I think it's normal to regret what you could have done with the property had your mother been different, but you tried your best with her.

[Couscous]

Turkish, your mom's lack of trust probably hurts because your inner child believes that it means that there must have been something wrong with you when the truth is that there was never anything wrong you and she just happened to have major trust issues, which had nothing to do with you.

[Turkish]

Something like that. My inner pup 

It reminds me of something I read in a novel several years ago:

Do the right thing. You'll likely be punished for it. Do it anyway.

[Notwendy]

I get it Turkish. It's like we can't-  even feel good about doing the right thing- there's second guessing it.

My BPD mother won't allow me to help with her finances or decisions about her house and yet, I haven't given her reason to not trust me. She'll hand over her money and possessions to people she hardly knows and they have taken advantage of her. I do feel sad that so much of what my father left her is being mismanaged- but also he left it to her to do what she wants with it.

This is different from the cooperative arrangements my friends have with their elderly parents whose parents trust them with access to their assets so that they can assist them. If we don't have that trust arrangement it's not possible to do this.

[Mommydoc]

I can understand how you feel Turkish. This is closure for you. If you had invested more money and emotional energy, it would have resurfaced and possibly prolonged the same feelings and/or even greater anguish. You definitely did the right thing. Sending you healing thoughts as you process all of this and move forward.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I see it a bit like finishing a very long book...

Whether you liked the book or not, it took a lot of your time, you grew with it. It wasn't a perfect book, a lot of the passages stung deeply, but it also taught you about yourself.

Now that the book is over, no matter how you felt about it, it leaves a bit of a hole in your life, that you will need to fill with something else.. a new hobby or another book maybe... there is a grieving process involved... It is time to let go... And I believe no matter how hard and painful our story was, it remains the story of our life, and there will always be a bit of grief attached to it.

I don't believe any of us here truly hate our mothers. And we all wish things would have been different. It just wasn't in our power is all...

 

[Mommydoc]

So nicely said Riv3rWOlf. We all wish things had been different and are on the same journey to let go.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hey T,

I am so amazed at how the effects of BPD still follow us long after our pwBPD died. Even beyond the personal effects on who we are, there are these types of things, the tangible things, that still seem to not go away. I know that there are a few of us that are dealing with the after death reality.

For the fact that you may very well get something monetary out of the long years of turmoil, I am really glad for you. There are always the 'what ifs,' and there's only the wondering and no real answers. I'm glad that you didn't have the extra drain emotionally, physically and monetarily that it would've taken on you to have held on and tried to do something with the property. Your friend doesn't have the reality of life with a BPDm like you do, so he wouldn't be able to understand and support you like you truly need.

Friday was the 10 year anniversary of my BPDm's passing. My step dad is still living in her house with his Asian wife of 2 years who is younger than I am and he's 82. He now wants to buy the house from us. He thinks he owns it, but he doesn't.  Based on conversations with our mom's attorney, the house is in mom's life estate (the estate owns it), and he is legally allowed to live there. The house was to be sold when he dies and the money given to us kids as our inheritance.  He wants to leave it to his new wife.

To make matters more complicated,  because of some choices he made legally, he cannot get insurance on the house anymore so if it were to burn down, there'd be nothing. If he transfer the house to his wife, he thinks she can get insurance in her name. He added on several times and built to the lot lines with no permits. If we were to get the house now, the insurance would be about $6k per year (hurricane area), and it would most likely need to be sold as is for cash because we would never be able to afford to bring it up to code. In the end, I think we have each decided to take the small amount he's offering us in order to be free from so much obligation. At the same time, we feel the injustice of not being paid true value and also of having to close the door on one more grief, of a man who chose to be the SO of our BPDm with his own mental unhealthiness as he ages and keeps the drama going. Like you, we're choosing to let it go. The emotional, physical and monetary cost is higher than any of us want to pay.

 
Wools

[Turkish]

Wools,

I'm glad that your mom set up the estate, but it's sad that your SD has done end runs about it. I hope that you get something.

My buddy's mom was really bad. My mom, a RN, thought that she might be schizophrenic when I described her behaviors in high school. Their grandparents wrote a clause that their house be passed down to him and his brother (my other buddy). Even so, their mom tried to do an end run legally around that, even trying to trick them into signing do something. He didn't have to deal with a hoarder though.

The other thing about my mom's property is the location. Due to the California fires, insurance there is through the roof. No Cali based companies insure. My other friends in the same county had to refi to afford insurance.

[Turkish]

I found the sale price through Zillow (that's a real estate app for those not in The States). $316.5k. That's after a $123k cost basis, so they only made ~$193k max. So they might have profited... a little. Not the extra $130k they were hoping.

I don't know why I'm ruminating about this. It's like at work where we were laid off (with plenty of notice). I'm mad that I'm helping to document and ship our tools and equipment to other sites all over the world. Yet I remind myself that I was already looking outside for another job anyway before we received notice.

Similarly, I was angry, upset, hurt and guilty when my mom forced the issue and left the safety of our home, but I was also relieved. Ditto for when my ex decided to leave as I was at my wits' end on his to fix or proceed in the relationship.

Is this like "quiet quitting" a job, passive-aggressive? What do these things all say about me?

[Mommydoc]

Your feelings are totally legit Turkish, please don’t question them  or yourself. You are human and anyone in your situation would feel yucky about this. You definitely did the right thing. What does it say about you? It says you are human, and you are allowed that. Hopefully this provides a sense of closure for you, and allows you to move forward in a positive way.

[PearlsBefore]

Something like that. My inner pup 

It reminds me of something I read in a novel several years ago:

Do the right thing. You'll likely be punished for it. Do it anyway.

It's from a quote variously attributed to several people; a mash-up of the iterations is actually my signature on every email I send. And only when writing to beloved BPDs do I occasionally involve the note "You might be identifying with the wrong person in this quote", .

If you are kind, they will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful, they will become false friends and true enemies; Succeed anyway. People need help but they will attack you if you help them; Help them anyway. Give them everything you have and they'll kick you in the teeth; Give them everything you have anyway. In the final analysis, it was never between you and them anyway.

[Turkish]

That's golden!

[PearlsBefore]

I have enough self-awareness to know if I'd been raised outside the faith/s in which I've been - my handling of the various mentally-ill around me would look wildly different. But as it is, building mansions in Heaven - Godwilling.  Deep breaths, deep breaths, Dios Es Uno - God is One. Perhaps by His grace I will get through it all and this too shall pass.

[Notwendy]

We try to do the right thing because we honor ourselves, our values and God as we see God. That's not contingent on what someone else says or thinks.
Be true to yourself!

[Couscous]

Turkish, it sounds like you’re in a stuck place. Have you ever tried Crappy Childhood Fairy’s daily practice of writing down and releasing fears and resentments? It might be worth experimenting with this for a few days and just see what happens.

[Turkish]

No, I get it out here and talking to friends. A gave up my dream of writing a Pat Conroy-like thinly veiled fiction book long ago.  Beach Music drove him suicidal. I don't think I have PTSD, but Crappy Childhood Fairy looks like a interesting resource! My ex was quite the journalor. Likely still is.