Could he be pwBPD?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi everyone, this is my first post here.
So recently I went through a short but very traumatic relationship, with someone who I suspect might have bpd. I started thinking that he might be borderline because of the following: 1) extreme fear of rejection: he could literally scrutinize every word I ever said, every look/expression on my face always worried that I don't like him enough and eventually I am going to leave him 2) angry outbursts 3) changing from being loving and kind to extremely cold and cruel in a matter of seconds/minutes/hours.

When we first met he literallly love bombed me. He said that I was his "dream girl", that he had never felt like this before etc etc. Although I was flattered I decided to proceed with caution because I have been hurt in the past. I knew deep down that what he probably didn;t mean what he said. I knew that it is impossible to really love someone in such a short time. However I felt so special and loved that it was very hard to resist, maybe it is they fairytale that I was always waiting for after all. Soon I began to notice several red flags. Most importantly I realized that he would perceive everything as "rejection". I would constantly reassure him that I like him but he would always try to find "proof" that I didn't. If I had to stay later at work it was because I didn;t like him enough. If I didn't send 20 texts every morning it was because I didn;t like him enough etc etc. The discard was brutal. He turned into a completely different person cold and distant. He said he had to distance himself because he didn't want to be hurt. I asked him multiple times if I did something to trigger this fear but radio silence. He declined any in-person conversation and he kept shooting cold and distant texts. He could see how upset I was through my texts where I was trying to understand what happened and he just stopped answering me. I was crashed but decided to move on with my life.

2 months later he texted me. I was having a very rough time at that time. I used to live in a pretty dangerous neighborhood and someone had mugged me on the street outside my house and I was trying to move out. I foolishly replied and told him what happened. I was in a very volnurable state and really needed to feel that someone cared ( note: I had just moved to the USA when I first met him so I didn;t have family or many friends to rely on). He pretended to be very concerned about my safety and he insisted on meeting right at that time. He said that I could stay a few days in his house until  I move out because he was allegedly concerned. To my surprise he was acting as if nothing had happened. No apologies. He just mumbled that his father was having heart surgery and that's why he disappeared. He was his old loving self, hugging me and reassuring me that I everything would be ok. Obviously I looked at him very very confused and declined any physical intimacy. I said that we should talk first. And then the rage began. He said that " I was stressing him out", that I should pack and leave the next morning and that I should respect his father's health issue to the very least" (wtf? he was the one who invited me to his house!). I left of course but he started bombarding me with angry texts saying that I should never ever contact him again.

I am just so shocked trying to make sense out of the whole thing but I can't. I have been asking myself what have I done to trigger this behavior? Did he feel rejected when I told him that I should talk first? What did he expect ? He disappeared out of the blue the first time but now suddenly I have to forget everything and be intimate? Is this typical bpd behavior? I don't even know why I am posting here, I am so so confused and for some reason I feel guilty as well.

[Estranged]

Hi everyone, this is my first post here.
So recently I went through a short but very traumatic relationship, with someone who I suspect might have bpd. I started thinking that he might be borderline because of the following: 1) extreme fear of rejection: he could literally scrutinize every word I ever said, every look/expression on my face always worried that I don't like him enough and eventually I am going to leave him 2) angry outbursts 3) changing from being loving and kind to extremely cold and cruel in a matter of seconds/minutes/hours.

When we first met he literallly love bombed me. He said that I was his "dream girl", that he had never felt like this before etc etc. Although I was flattered I decided to proceed with caution because I have been hurt in the past. I knew deep down that what he probably didn;t mean what he said. I knew that it is impossible to really love someone in such a short time. However I felt so special and loved that it was very hard to resist, maybe it is they fairytale that I was always waiting for after all. Soon I began to notice several red flags. Most importantly I realized that he would perceive everything as "rejection". I would constantly reassure him that I like him but he would always try to find "proof" that I didn't. If I had to stay later at work it was because I didn;t like him enough. If I didn't send 20 texts every morning it was because I didn;t like him enough etc etc. The discard was brutal. He turned into a completely different person cold and distant. He said he had to distance himself because he didn't want to be hurt. I asked him multiple times if I did something to trigger this fear but radio silence. He declined any in-person conversation and he kept shooting cold and distant texts. He could see how upset I was through my texts where I was trying to understand what happened and he just stopped answering me. I was crashed but decided to move on with my life.

2 months later he texted me. I was having a very rough time at that time. I used to live in a pretty dangerous neighborhood and someone had mugged me on the street outside my house and I was trying to move out. I foolishly replied and told him what happened. I was in a very volnurable state and really needed to feel that someone cared ( note: I had just moved to the USA when I first met him so I didn;t have family or many friends to rely on). He pretended to be very concerned about my safety and he insisted on meeting right at that time. He said that I could stay a few days in his house until  I move out because he was allegedly concerned. To my surprise he was acting as if nothing had happened. No apologies. He just mumbled that his father was having heart surgery and that's why he disappeared. He was his old loving self, hugging me and reassuring me that I everything would be ok. Obviously I looked at him very very confused and declined any physical intimacy. I said that we should talk first. And then the rage began. He said that " I was stressing him out", that I should pack and leave the next morning and that I should respect his father's health issue to the very least" (wtf? he was the one who invited me to his house!). I left of course but he started bombarding me with angry texts saying that I should never ever contact him again.

I am just so shocked trying to make sense out of the whole thing but I can't. I have been asking myself what have I done to trigger this behavior? Did he feel rejected when I told him that I should talk first? What did he expect ? He disappeared out of the blue the first time but now suddenly I have to forget everything and be intimate? Is this typical bpd behavior? I don't even know why I am posting here, I am so so confused and for some reason I feel guilty as well.

[Mutt]

Hi Estranged, 

I'm sorry for the circumstances that led you to find this site. I'm glad that you decided to join us. It helps to talk to others that share a similar experience as you.

Feelings are quick silver for a pwBPD ( person with BPD ) and they are constantly scanning for signs of rejection.

For a person to be diagnosed with the disorder they have to have 5 out of nine symptoms. As Skip says, many members here have significant others that are sub-clinical.

We're not professionals and cannot diagnose only a professional can do that. What we can look at are traits of BPD.

I'm sorry to hear that you got mugged and I'm glad to hear that you're ok. I would same that there are going to be ramifications after experiencing something like that.

Can you tell us what is triggering the guilty feelings?

[judee]

Hi estranged .

I read your story and it is almost a blueprint on mine... yes I do think he felt rejected and the rage and coldness results from that... in BPD world. I experienced exactly the same patterns of " dream girl' to total discard "never want to see you again' to texting me 6 months later ... asking " if I would have contacted him if he didn't'. you can read my story under 'judee' I think you'l find it remakable how similar our stories are.
No one here can diagnose your exBF, I am just saying that I see exactly, and I mean EXACTLTY the same behaviour with your ex as mine, My ex was diagnosed with BPD a long time ago already.
I think you did well.. seeing what was going on and keep up writing here. It is a great way to process and learn.
to this day I find the BPD is much more pervasive than I believed.

[Estranged]

Hi Estranged, 

I'm sorry for the circumstances that led you to find this site. I'm glad that you decided to join us. It helps to talk to others that share a similar experience as you.

Feelings are quick silver for a pwBPD ( person with BPD ) and they are constantly scanning for signs of rejection.

For a person to be diagnosed with the disorder they have to have 5 out of nine symptoms. As Skip says, many members here have significant others that are sub-clinical.

We're not professionals and cannot diagnose only a professional can do that. What we can look at are traits of BPD.

I'm sorry to hear that you got mugged and I'm glad to hear that you're ok. I would same that there are going to be ramifications after experiencing something like that.

Can you tell us what is triggering the guilty feelings?

Hi Mutt, thank you very much for your reply. I think I feel guilty because deep down I m thinking that I must have done something wrong to trigger this kind of behavior. It's very hard for me to understand how can someone change so much from one moment to other so I keep asking myself if I did anything to provoke this. Also, he was never willing to have a normal conversation about what was going. When he was upset he never wanted to talk in in person. Instead, he used to bombard me with angry texts which made it even harder to get a better understanding or even defend myself.

[Estranged]

Hi estranged .

I read your story and it is almost a blueprint on mine... yes I do think he felt rejected and the rage and coldness results from that... in BPD world. I experienced exactly the same patterns of " dream girl' to total discard "never want to see you again' to texting me 6 months later ... asking " if I would have contacted him if he didn't'. you can read my story under 'judee' I think you'l find it remakable how similar our stories are.
No one here can diagnose your exBF, I am just saying that I see exactly, and I mean EXACTLTY the same behaviour with your ex as mine, My ex was diagnosed with BPD a long time ago already.
I think you did well.. seeing what was going on and keep up writing here. It is a great way to process and learn.
to this day I find the BPD is much more pervasive than I believed.

Hi judee, thank you for you reply. I read your story and it is remarkably similar to mine indeed. 
What puzzles me is that when it comes to themselves they are extremely sensitive to everything, they see potential rejection everywhere, they overanalyze every single word we say... But do they even wonder how we feel when THEY reject us and abandon us? In my case he dumped me out of the blue ( through text!) but when he came back I was supposed to pretend that everything was back to normal for some reason...
Also, I m having a very hard time moving on. I don't know if you had the same problem. I think maybe it has to do with the love bombing in the first phase of the relationship. Subconsciously I am scared that maybe his loving self was his real self and I did something wrong to bring out his bad side.

[judee]

wow.. I litteraly used these words to him: 'you treat me very harsh, yet it seems your own nerves are on top of your skin'.
I totally understand where you are and how it feels. iI is so debilitating and hard to imagine yes. .
I think it has to do with constantly feeling overwhelmed by their own ( dysregulated)  emotions, what makes it hard to have any space for the other person's emotions. I am not sure if it is specifically a lack of empathy.
We are here to learn from eachother and happy to be of support.
It is hard to get over yes. I am still in it , but what I can tell you is I found myself in the midst of it and that self gets stronger.
I am not afraid of losing him any more, because I know that if I do , it is because he can't handle me saying out loud how unhealthy something is and not accepting that.
If anything is left , it will be good enough. It is a lot of fun to be with him too.  If he rejects me for not accepting his behaviour then the universe did me a favour. if we come out the other end than that is in an honest way at least.
Either way, you don't have to feel guilty... this is not your fault. and don't accept anything that feels damaging to you.