Dating again

[tina7868]

It's so nice to read posts about people finding healthy and balanced relationships. It's comforting to know that it takes time to feel open to dating again. I personally have such a mix of feelings!

On one hand, I feel focused on my own life. In the past few months I moved to a new place, started an internship in a field I'm passionate about, started running again, spent time with people I love, enjoyed the outdoors and live music. I feel like I am developping a stronger sense of self. It's like I'm checking all the boxes in terms of healing and moving forward. That being said, I do feel...not exactly lonely, but I would like someone to share my life with. However, I don't feel like I would "settle" for anyone. I do not feel open to sign up for dating apps. The thought of going on dates feels like a waste of my time. I can also confirm that my ex is in a relationship with someone else. He called me out of the blue to catch up. It was a nice conversation, I kept it short and have gone no contact since. I don't really know why I keep that line of communication open when it feels like a dead end. I think if he contacts me again I will tell him that we shouldn't speak anymore.

Can anyone relate to this? How can I keep the ball rolling?

[Manic Miner]

I'm not exactly in your shoes, I'm still in relationship, marriage that is, but we have separated and it doesn't look promising.

I'm still trying, in my head it still looks manageable, but maybe I'm just fooling myself. It's been 2 years already that our marriage was collapsing, with BPD - irrational thinking, fantasies, drama, no responsibility - being the major issue.

That being said, if I really divorce, I'll be in the exact same place as you described. I did try dating apps. I wanted to see how I fared. I felt lonely for 3 years and my W didn't seem to appreciate my company at all. I didn't look for affairs or one night stands, but to try find a friend with similar interests, first and foremost. Then, I hoped, if that worked out, then maybe see where it goes. How naive I was. Tinder is full of show girls on tropical islands, one night standers or those that really seem desperate to find someone.

Not only I didn't match with anyone that shared both looks and interests, I don't even care to try now. Like you said, dating feels pointless and potential energy and time waste. I value my freedom and being alone so much now.
I do feel very lonely at times. I always wake up feeling sad, wishing my W could accompany me, fixing our marriage, but... I am not desperate to be with anyone. Better alone than in a bad and draining company. I don't care for sex relationships, never was and never will.

I would like to have someone to share life with, laugh together, share similar passions, support each other and be close. But, it seems neither you nor I are yet ready for another relationship. I do know if I get divorced, I will just let it be. Tinder helped me see that in advance. And for that I'm grateful. If I meet someone 'organically', by doing real activities and passions, good. If not, so be it. But I won't chase it, esp. not with apps.

[alterK]

Hi Tina. I'm in a place similar to yours. BPDw moved out 3 months ago, divorce ongoing, working on deciding whether I want to look for more company. My tentative decision is not to rush things. I'll look for conversation, companionship, without seeking any major commitment.

My main focus is to try to avoid past mistakes. Have been reading "Dating Radar" by Bill Eddy. After a failed relationship it takes effort to get up on your feet and find something new. I'd suggest you pay attention to your feelings. It sounds to me like you are still somewhat conflicted about what you want to do. Give yourself time and see what happens.

[tina7868]

Thank you both for your replies

alterK, I like your perspective of avoiding past mistakes. I do feel very conflicted! I think I've been so busy lately that I haven't sat with my feelings and faced them.

[alterK]

I think that's wise, tina. Being honest with ourselves about our past mistakes isn't especially fun, but if we don't try to do that we almost certainly repeat them. I would hate to see you go through all the struggle of getting yourself out and into a new relationship, only to wind up in a mess like the one you just escaped from. Therapy could help you here, but at least do some reading and don't be in a hurry.

[NotAHero]

It's so nice to read posts about people finding healthy and balanced relationships. It's comforting to know that it takes time to feel open to dating again. I personally have such a mix of feelings!

On one hand, I feel focused on my own life. In the past few months I moved to a new place, started an internship in a field I'm passionate about, started running again, spent time with people I love, enjoyed the outdoors and live music. I feel like I am developping a stronger sense of self. It's like I'm checking all the boxes in terms of healing and moving forward. That being said, I do feel...not exactly lonely, but I would like someone to share my life with. However, I don't feel like I would "settle" for anyone. I do not feel open to sign up for dating apps. The thought of going on dates feels like a waste of my time. I can also confirm that my ex is in a relationship with someone else. He called me out of the blue to catch up. It was a nice conversation, I kept it short and have gone no contact since. I don't really know why I keep that line of communication open when it feels like a dead end. I think if he contacts me again I will tell him that we shouldn't speak anymore.

Can anyone relate to this? How can I keep the ball rolling?

  There is a bit of struggle to balance “avoiding another mistake “ and building walls that would hinder a possible great match.

  Personally I am trying my best to have that balance but it’s not easy. I am having trouble being able to tell the difference between a true red flag and normal human flaws that everyone has.