Son in hospital now saying he is homeless. Emergency advice needed

[Lovingmum]

We are in the uk.
Last Wednesday my son took an overdose as usual not enough to do damage and called an ambulance himself.
He is under mental health and has had 1 psychiatric assessment and they think he has ptsd and bpd but not confirmed.

We said he couldn’t come back until some further intervention, some time in a crisis house for respite preferably.
He has taken that as we’ve thrown him out. He is still in a and e observation unit.
If he’s not homeless they have a place at hope house, he can go to but as he’s saying he’s homeless they won’t take him unless he comes back here after.

We then want to set boundaries for him at home and with the family connections course we start in September hopefully be able to support him.
What do we do, he is in so much debt and demanding money we have saved for him.
Things have spiralled in 4 months since being signed off sick from work, he’s constantly angry, self harming daily and making our lives a misery.

I know he has to want to make changes.
Honestly I just feel stuck.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Gosh I know that sick feeling!

How long can he stay at Hope house and do they have programs there? Also would they engage with you as a family before he came to you?

If you meant that he COULD come back to you after some further intervention/respite, perhaps this would fit the bill - if there is some help at Hope House.

Was ds living with you before this latest attempt?

Re the debts - it depends on what they are. I paid lots of loans etc before realising that paying them gave dd more access to credit. Having a bad credit history can be a help. If he was renting and is behind in rent, it can be helpful to you to pay that just to help him remain independent.

So so sorry you are in this situation. BPD is an awful illness that keeps cornering those who love and care for them.

Please post and let us know how you go.

[ForeverDad]

What do we do, he is in so much debt and demanding money we have saved for him.

There's an old phrase, Tough Love.  He's demanding money, yours but saved for him?  Well, you can have some demands (terms) too.  Like he starts cooperating with mental health directions, sessions, etc.  After all, it's your money.  And you need to know how to release any funds in a way that doesn't enable him to continue down nonproductive paths.

For example, you can make sure whatever money you provide gets to the destination.  It may mean that you ensure the landlord gets the promised rent and that it doesn't go to drugs, booze, girls or whatever.  You control where it goes, perhaps not allowing him to put it in his own account where you lose control or monitoring ability.

[Lovingmum]

Thank you both for your replies.
So the hospital discharged him, hope house wouldn’t take him. He was then picked up by police for acting weirdly. Taken to mental health hospital assessed by a phychiatrist and he called me to say he could come home and that’s the best place for him to continue his therapy and be supported by us. If we refused he’d have present himself to the council for emergency housing.
I couldn’t cope with the thought of him essentially homeless so bought him home.

I was so shocked on collecting him his face is covered in scabs where he has harmed himself possibly burns from his lighter

[Lovingmum]

Topic Summary
Posted on: August 26, 2022, 01:47:51 AM Posted by: Lovingmum
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Thank you both for your replies.
So the hospital discharged him, hope house wouldn’t take him. He was then picked up by police for acting weirdly. Taken to mental health hospital assessed by a phychiatrist and he called me to say he could come home and that’s the best place for him to continue his therapy and be supported by us. If we refused he’d have present himself to the council for emergency housing.
I couldn’t cope with the thought of him essentially homeless so bought him home.

I was so shocked on collecting him his face is covered in scabs where he has harmed himself possibly burns from his lighter

He says he can’t cope with rules and boundaries.
Do we simply say if you can’t live by our simple rules that’s your choice but you’ll need to apply for housing?

I know he has added to his list of trauma ( lied about things that have never happened. Is this common?

[Lovingmum]

I’m not sure why but when I type out a reply only part of it is posting!

[Sancho]

Hi Lovingmum
Things progress quickly don't they.

My dd came home around 2 years ago - very thin, scabs on face due to her ice use. We went through hell for a few months (verbal abuse and tippy toeing around so as not to wake her because she couldn't sleep and would go into deep sleep in the morning - so we were quiet till around 11).

But she got off the ice and I am sure that was her unstated plan - come home and get off this stuff.

I haven't gone done the 'tough love' road - mainly because a paediatric psychiatrist I took dd to when she was 15 said that the usual behaviour management method wasn't effective for bpd. But I read something here that made sense. Someone wrote to think of a 'boundary' as what is necessary for you to be able to survive - rather than what your child has to abide by.

That way you can use 'I' statements about them which is more effective.

Have you been aware of a substance abuse issue at all?

I am assuming the waiting list for housing is quite long so putting his name down makes a lot of sense.

My decision to be open to dd being able to come home is based on two things: the first is that she is low functioning, struggles to maintain a house or hold down a job and secondly -given all of this - she is at high risk of homelessness and violence.

I have made a boundary that she doesn't bring anyone else to my home - long story but this was happening and was pretty awful.

So far this seems to work okay - it's tough of course but gives her space from being with all the people she knows who are in the same position as herself.

Thinking of you - this is a really tough time.

[Sancho]

PS yes it's very common to lie about what has happened - though I am sure there are two categories of these 'lies'. There are the lies that are used to get attention -to be heard - and the ones that are 'real' to the person. BPD people do move into psychosis and things that they hear about become part of their 'real' story.

Makes it all really hard.

[Lovingmum]

Hey Sancho,
Thankyou for your reply, it’s such a comfort to know we aren’t the only ones going through this.
I know he dabbled in drugs but I don’t believe he is taking anything at the moment.
He has been living with us for the last 4 years since last relationship break up.
He’s just been prescribed Olanzapine as other meds did nothing. He also starts dbt soon.
Our family connection course starts in 3 weeks.
I’m just praying a combination of things will begin to ease things a little. Of course I have the love of a mother, my husband (step dad) is struggling big time.

[wendydarling]

Hello Lovingmum  

I'm in the UK too. I'm glad you found us. The support of members here and the resources got me through, a similar situation to that you describe.

My DD was diagnosed 2015 at 27 years. She was assigned with the Crisis Team for a year while waiting for DBT under the NHS. The DBT team were brilliant. DBT was 14 months. Over a year DD spent two separate month stays at a local Women's Crisis Home. DD has also followed up DBT with a group refresher over 5 months, offered free by a charity for under 30yr olds. 2020/21 DD had 12 months private therapy via an organisation I found called Mind Reframed who have a network of therapists.

It's a deep dive to understand BPD and how we can help our loved ones. While caring for ourselves is paramount. It was a slow journey and one with sliding doors. More than anything it required patience, calm and understanding, taking one day at a time.

Now your son is home, are they able to admit him to the Crisis Home?

Hope.

WDx