the habit of normalizing disordered behavior

[Channing]

I have been reflecting on incidents that entrenched my habit of normalizing my BPD mother's behavior and the one that stands out is a trip to Mexico. My mother managed me and my siblings by ignoring us and raging. By the time I was 12, though, my mother said that she would no longer be paying for my clothing, school supplies. She continued to buy things for herself and her favored child including riding lessons and a horse. I babysat, sold newspaper subscriptions, etc. and when I was 14, lied about my age and got a job at a fast food restaurant.

By 16 I was almost fully independent. So long as I paid my costs (other than the food I consumed at home and housing), my mother did not care what I did.

A friend's family invited me to go camping with them in Mexico. My mother said OK but she refused to speak with my friend's mother about the trip.

The day we left, I called in "sick" to school. When I got back, my mother erupted as though the fake sick call was the most outrageous behavior she had encountered in her life. I was terrified and stayed up all night sick with fright. My mother threatened and "grounded" me but that quickly evaporated because, of course, I could not work if I could not leave the house. My point is that it never occurred to me that my mother's neglect and indifference was the real problem.

This tendency to normalize disordered behavior is so entrenched in my mind now that it is very hard for me to figure out what good boundaries in relationships look like. If someone mistreats me, I try to figure out what I did wrong or try to do something to please them as a way to "fix it." Of course, this sends entirely the wrong signal and I have had several relationships crash and burn over this kind of dysfunctional behavior. Has anyone successfully addressed this issue in their own life? My relationship with my mother is not repairable but I would like to be able to relate to others in a more normal way.

[lm1109]

If someone mistreats me, I try to figure out what I did wrong or try to do something to please them as a way to "fix it."

Yes...this is how I survived childhood...so it is a pattern that runs real deep for me too!

My initial response to someone being upset with me is typically to blame myself...I am wired to think that first! However, I am finding that I catch those thought patterns relatively quickly now!

I trust myself now ... I know that I take honest inventory of myself and my actions... I don't ever intentionally hurt anyone and when I mess up... I have NO qualms about apologizing! Because of this... I think I am getting better at determining when something isn't my problem and it only took me 35 years to realize that EVERYTHING isn't MY fault!  My inner child work has led me to seeing myself through my own lense...rather than anyone else's distortions.

 I was terrified and stayed up all night sick with fright.

This hit home for me. I'm so sorry that you went through that! I've been reflecting on the normalization of my BPD Mom's behavior as well! I have some very vivid memories from when I was really young about my Mom threatening to leave us! She would get into fights with my Dad but instead of threatening divorce...she threatened to abandone ALL of us...including her kids. I still remember the first time she did this. She threw all of her stuff in garbage bags while raging through the house, packed the car, announced she would never come back, and squealed tire out of the driveway. As a small child... I believed her. I was inconsolable and my Dad yelled at me and sent me to my room to "play" I remember sobbing myself to sleep because I believed that she was never coming back! Then...the next morning she was back and sitting at our kitchen table drinking coffee and everyone acted like nothing happened. There was no explanation, no apology...nothing! The normalization is such an insidious form of abuse...and probably formed the deepest wounds for me!

Sending you lots of support 

[Channing]

I have some very vivid memories from when I was really young about my Mom threatening to leave us! She would get into fights with my Dad but instead of threatening divorce...she threatened to abandon ALL of us...including her kids. I still remember the first time she did this. She threw all of her stuff in garbage bags while raging through the house, packed the car, announced she would never come back, and squealed tire out of the driveway. As a small child... I believed her. I was inconsolable and my Dad yelled at me and sent me to my room to "play" I remember sobbing myself to sleep because I believed that she was never coming back! Then...the next morning she was back and sitting at our kitchen table drinking coffee and everyone acted like nothing happened.
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My mother did the EXACT same thing, except sometimes she would be gone for a few days. I remember sitting in the living room with my siblings and Dad and there would be this stunned silence as we all tried to absorb what had just happened.

[Notwendy]

I do similar things- if someone is angry at me, it's terrifying and I start to think what did I do wrong? It rattles me.

One of my kids observed this. I could see this happening when a parking attendant in a crowded parking lot yelled at me for parking in the wrong space. I had no idea. Her instructions were confusing. I did move my car but I was rattled, could not find my keys at first. My child was old enough to see what was going on. I think my (now young adult ) kids at this point have figured out that my childhood with my BPD mother was difficult but I have not shared too many details with them. They know she has BPD.

I think the more "normal" reaction to something like this would be for someone to think this parking attendant was having a bad day. Maybe another driver yelled at her before I parked and she was still upset. They would recognize that her reaction was out of proportion to what they did. Accidentally parking in the wrong space is not the crime of the century, but growing up, a small slight could be considered one to my parents.

I think the tendency to "normalize" is a part of interacting with people. There's an underlying social code that we assume when communicating with someone else- if we both speak the same language- we assume they understand what we say. I also think denial is a part of BPD and that a relationship with someone with BPD involves a shared denial in a sense. It was also a form of survival growing up- we were expected to "normalize" BPD mother. One thing Dad did say ( which was too much for a child) was that we should not upset mother because he needed to go to work to support us- which was true. He couldn't stay home all day if she was upset. It also kept us safe to not upset her, ( if at all possible ) so it became a family effort to do this and even if it was dysfunctional, it was also for our overall well being.

[Notwendy]

Channing- BPD mother threatened to leave us too. As a small child, this was terrifying. I recall Dad asking me to do something "so mother doesn't leave". Probably she told him to say that but it's hard to imagine why he'd have said that- it had to be he was afraid of the threat.

I don't recall all the times she might have acted on this but I do recall her taking off for a few days when I was about 10. I learned she stayed in a nice hotel somewhere.

These times were scary for us as younger children.

Truthfully - she'd not have ever left. She was completely dependent on my father.

I also recall these huge arguments between my parents and the next day they'd act like nothing happened. We also didn't dare ask about it.

[Channing]

Notwendy, that is so similar to my childhood, right down to dad going to the kids and asking us to "fix" my mom. Reading the thread on this site about "daddy's girls" has been helpful to me because it helped me see my Dad's role in the dynamic and that he was not just a victim.

When my mom was throwing glassware at him, raging for random and absurd reasons, and storming off to hotels, it was hard for me to see that he was contributing to the problem.

My mom was also wholly financially dependent on my dad and I still don't understand how she ended up with so much power.

[Couscous]

My mom was also wholly financially dependent on my dad and I still don't understand how she ended up with so much power.

This is has always been a great mystery to me. Maybe the fathers in this thread can help explain what their reasons are for giving their wives all the power: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=353745.msg0;topicseen#new

[Channing]

Couscous, there is a similar couple in my extended family where the dad has confided in me about their relationship. He is a high achieving/high earning person while his wife has not had a job in more than 20 years. Yet, he has always had the "one down" position in their relationship where he struggles continually to improve their family life by doing things to try to please or fix her. I can only attribute this to garden variety codependency. He behaves in similar ways in his work life -- over-functioning to fix bad situations, etc.

I think he has a fantasy that if he just did the right things, his wife would be "fixed" and they would be happy. Maybe we should not overlook the function of hope as an addictive substance. He seems (for lack of a better word) addicted to living in a state of hope and not in the real world.

When I confront my own, similar behavior I have to admit that living in that hopeful mode is in many ways my own comfort zone.