Discarded by Dearest Friend

[CeceliaAP]

My dearest friend of almost 15 years ghosted me 4 months ago. For context, this has been a platonic but deeply intimate friendship. I have been friend, support, surrogate mom, and mentor. Per him, I am often the only person he talks to. He has, at various times called me mama/wife/best friend/mentor and "favorite". He is single, much younger, and gay. I am married with grown children.

15 years ago, I saw in him a talent nobody had seen. I encouraged it, and he's blown up. I've been there for the triumphs and setbacks. As his success has grown, our friendship has taken a back-seat. As he said "We're at different places in our lives."  I agree, and dialed back my expectations. But it seems he held onto his.

One weekend this April, we wanted to spend a Saturday together. I had work, so asked if we could make it Sunday. Seemed OK, but Sunday morning he cancelled. Monday he did not respond to texts or calls. He has not communicated since.

He's disappeared before, but usually around some sort of conflict. This time, there was none. Could this ghosting have been triggered by something so simple as me not being available on his timeline?

I've been circling the "evidence" obsessively, trying to figure out what happened here. I went back to my therapist to help pull out of this cyclical thinking. He introduced me to the term BPD. My ghost-friend checks a lot of the boxes.

I don't know exactly what I'm asking with this post. I want to be consistent and present for my friend. But I don't want to be a stalker - or a sucker if the friendship is over. I feel used, trashed, and sad. I miss what I thought we had, but don't know if I'm fooling myself, hanging onto an illusion.

Thanks for reading. Appreciate your thoughts.

[Methuen]

Hi CeceliaAP,

Welcome!  First let me just say I am sorry your friend has ghosted you.  That really really sucks.

From what you have shared, you have heavily invested yourself in this relationship for 15 years.

Could this ghosting have been triggered by something so simple as me not being available on his timeline?... I feel used, trashed, and sad. I miss what I thought we had

Please don't question yourself.  I do not believe the ghosting could be from you asking to  meet on Sunday instead of on Saturday.  Based on what you shared, I think anyone could feel used, trashed, and sad.

I'm speculating here, but is it possible that you were each getting very different things from this friendship?  He was getting your support, and you were getting a good feeling from helping and being needed? I'm wondering if it might be possible that now that his success has grown, and he's in a better place than he was 15 years ago, he's feeling that he is more able to manage on his own without your support.  (You mention that as his success has grown, the friendship has taken a back seat.)

As he said "We're at different places in our lives."  I agree, and dialed back my expectations. But it seems he held onto his.

You mention you dialled back your expectations but he held onto his.  Can you tell us a little more about that?  What expectations did he hold onto?  What did you dial back?

I want to be consistent and present for my friend. But I don't want to be a stalker - or a sucker if the friendship is over.

  Honestly, I think friendships wax and wane like the  moon and the tides.  Some are long and some are short.  They can differ in intensity.  They can change with life changes such as moves, divorce, career developments, growing families, and even personal growth.  It may be easier for one person to let go, and harder for the other, or the change may evolve without discussion, but simply because of life changes.  Sometimes the friendship takes a back seat when one person gets busy with life events or family, only to be rekindled later in life when the work and/or child rearing phase of life is over.

Could it be that you are grieving the apparent loss of this friendship?

I think it's common in these instances to blame ourselves or "feel" like we must have done something wrong.  I doubt this is what happened.  It sounds like it could be that he has "evolved" and there have been life changes for him.  It also sounds like you played a role in helping him get a start on a special talent and move forward with that.  You can take your knowledge of that with you as a gift that you were able to help him.  Maybe it is time to let him go, and also let go of the feeling you did something wrong.  

Your thoughts?

[Notwendy]

I am with Methuen. Of course it hurts to loose a friendship but sometimes these relationships change as people do.

I recall one friendship- we were in the same field of work and have children the same age. She decided to advance in her career while I chose to cut back and spend more time apart. During this time, I realized the friendship took a back seat to her career aspirations. I recall feeling a bit used at the time too. The friendship fizzled out. I think I was the one responsible for moving on.

More recently a co-worker friendship changed jobs. She's essentially ghosted me. I don't think I did anything wrong here, but the job we shared was not a good experience for her and I think she wants to let go of those connections. This decision has nothing to do with me but it still is sad to lose a friend.

I think all friendships have value but not all friendships have the same duration. It sounds like with the career change, your friend's social world and focus has changed. Your situation seems to be the one that hasn't changed as much. I know it's hard emotionally for you to see him move on but it may be that it has nothing to do with you and more about him spreading his wings and exploring his new world. It is selfish of him to ghost you, but that's on him. It's hard to know if it's temporary or not but on your part, reassess your need for the friendship, and redirect that. You have a spouse and family, but you can't meet his needs in that way. Maybe he's looking, or finding that love for himself too.

[zachira]

The deep hurt of being ghosted by a friend that you were there for in every way you could is so painful. It sounds one sided, or did he do many nice things for you that were dear to your heart? Friendships can be forever or end at some point for many reasons. Because he has ghosted you, you have no way to really know why which can make you feel that this is somehow all your fault. It isn't. After having many friendships which have not ended well, I often tell myself a person is not a friend until we have had a disagreement, and we remain friends whether the disagreement is resolved or not because the disagreements are handled respectfully while acknowledging that we are separate individuals with our own thoughts and feelings.