GF broke with me, guys please help me understand

[Jucab]

Forgive me for my wall of text and broken English...to anyone reading this I am very grateful.

I (33M) moved to Italy a year ago and in June I started dating a girl (36F). I fell very much in love with her. In the following dates she started sharing a lot of personal information about her uprising (traumatic because her parents were absent and she is an only child, and she was also sexually abused by a man that I dind't ask for details so I don't know who he was) and also told me how hypersexual she was before she stopped drinking. She also told me that she had very low self-esteem, that she had changed as a person many times and that she had a very deep fear of abandonment.

At first she told me that I was perfect and that she was very lucky to have found me,,, I felt in paradise. She introduced me to her parents very quickly and told me about future plans like going on vacation together (we did), or later on buying a motorhome and going on a long trip around Europe.

I had some of the most amazing times on my stay here in Italy with her. It was incredible.

Suddenly I was spending most of the week at his house,,,and one day she told me that a psychiatrist had misdiagnosed her as having BPD. She started going to BPD support groups and there she saw that he was different from the other people with BPD who were there (for example he never had suicidal ideation or did self-harm). So in the end she went to another psychiatrist and there she got an IQ test and realized that she was instead a genius (the test scored her with 140 IQ). She had been in psychotherapy and on psychiatric pills for years now, so she was undergoing therapy.

So I was very much in love with her and although she was sometimes cold (sometimes she didn't like to be touched or kissed and other days quite the opposite) she was never verbally abusive or mean to me, so maybe I thought she just had a slighter version of BPD (as she told me later). What surprised me was the deep sadness, how and at those times she didn't like to be touched and I had to be physically away from her. Other times she was extremely affective and happy, very intense and passionate.

She started suggesting me to take Italian lessons so we could understand each other better (my Italian is very good, C1 and I speak it fluently and I understand it perfectly as my mother is Italian) to do the driving lessons for the European driving license and she started suggesting a lot of things, like eating better, getting a different haircut, try new hobbies, etc... I started to feel a bit overwhelmed as I felt she was never satisfied.

She worked very little so her parents had to finnancialy support her. It's not that she was lazy, the problem is that here in Italy it is very very difficult to find an acceptable job as a teacher, she tried a lot in the past without success, so in the end she did online English classes.

She started looking for a job and applying abroad, she told me to go live with her in another country in case she was hired... I was very much in love and said yes.

Then luckily she found a job in her hometown and didn't have to move. In all of this I spent a lot of money, gave her gifts and tried my best to make the relationship work. I must say sometimes we had little fights (like 3 times total) and minor misunderstanding, and I did some things wrong (like being passive and boring sometimes) but I always tried to please her and always told her hoe much I loved her.

One small detail I must comment is that due to her endometriosis she had to take a medication that lowered her libido, so in 4 months we only had sex once. Also, she liked to sleep alone in her room so I slept on a couch in the living room.

Things started to go downhill when she invited me to stay with her for a week. She would also take my cats and buy all the implements to keep them there.

She was super intense and wanted to go out and meet friends and family every day, so being the introvert that I am, I asked her to stay inside the house for a day to play some video games. She didn't take it very well and started asking me a lot of questions (like how do you do it when you go out of town for the weekend and other comments like that).

Some time passed, and last week I went for the weekend to her house, one day she was very distant, the other very affectionate. Sunday I came back home.

So yesterday she called me and ended things. I'm crushed, as I was imagining a future with her and I'm alone in a country where my only friend is leaving Italy in a week and where everyone else I know lives in other cities.
The reason she ended things was that she realized that I was in a process of starting to really get to know myself (because when I was younger I had to take care of my father and didn't have many life experiences) and that I was missing some basic things like eating well (here in Italy it's super important it seems) or taking care of myself and getting to know me, and that she felt that all the improvements I was making in those aspects were because of her encouraged so she felt that she was taking care of her problems and mine and that it was too much for her.

I am very sad that I am going to start therapy today. I also messaged her to try to pick it up again but she said we should take our time and maybe in the future our paths would cross again (in other words, no option to go back)

Guys sorry again for the wall of text but a lot of you had experience with BPD special ones and I don't know if she was really a bpd or not...does a tamed version of bpd exists? Im very inexperienced in relationships so maybe this was normal and I should try to rectify things.

I ask because I really miss her and want her back,,,so I don't know what to think or do

Thanks deeply for reading this

[kells76]

Hi Jucab, welcome to the group 

No need to apologize about the wall of text or your English... first, this is the right place to get all your thoughts and feelings written down, no matter how short or long, and second, I was definitely able to understand the points you were making, so your English is just fine 

So much of the trajectory of your relationship with her will sound very familiar to members here: "love at first sight", revealing too much information too soon, moving the relationship forward very quickly, a "honeymoon phase" (where everything feels perfect and magical)... then a few red flags showing up (her behaving coldly to you), the controlling behaviors (telling you to dress/act/speak a certain way)... then the sudden breakup out of nowhere.

I'm really sorry this happened to you -- I wonder if you felt shocked, devastated, and hurt when the breakup call happened. That's a lot to go through.

I want to say you're making a smart choice to go to therapy. Having a professional walk alongside you, support you, and give you feedback at this time in your grief is so important.

In terms of your question here:

I don't know if she was really a bpd or not...does a tamed version of bpd exists?

That's a huge question that so many new members have here. Check out a couple of the other newer threads here and you will find people you can relate to, asking the same thing.

To answer the second half of your question... BPD, like many personality disorders and mental health issues, exists on a spectrum. While the USA's DSM (diagnosis manual) indicates that for an "official" BPD diagnosis, the client must meet at least 5 of 9 criteria, that doesn't mean that someone with "only" 4 of the 9 criteria "therefore has no issues". It's possible (and common on this site) for a loved one to not have a diagnosis yet have many, many harmfully intense behaviors and traits. Or, similarly, to have few, less intense behaviors and traits, that are still really challenging in a romantic relationship.

In terms of the first half of your question... like I shared with another new member, I wonder if a good question to ask yourself would be "What would it mean to me if she did or did not "really" have BPD?"

Whatever was going on, whether she "really" had it or not, it's clear that some of the dynamics in your relationship weren't sustainable or healthy. So a big question is, what do you do with that, as you move forward in your life.

I really miss her and want her back,,,so I don't know what to think or do

It makes sense that at this point, with the breakup so fresh, you might be unsure of how to proceed, yet you have deep feelings of wanting her back.

It's OK to take some time to breathe, regain your equilibrium, have a few sessions with your therapist, and read and chat here. You may not know exactly at this moment what to do, yet with time it will probably become more clear.

Go ahead and check out this link (titled "I think it's Borderline Personality Disorder, but how can I know?") and let us know your thoughts:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder

Again, welcome to the group -- keep us posted on how you're doing.

-kells76

[Jucab]

Hey Kells, thanks a lot for your reply and kindness, it is deeply valued by me

I have been reading a lot of articles here and other posts and that has been a great insight. Starting therapy also has given me a little window of relief.

It is day four after the breakup and I'm devastated,,, this is the first weekend in months that I wont be doing something with her and that breaks my hearth. I'm barely sleeping and eating and I'm very tired of the constant flashbacks with her that my mind throws at me

I'm really sorry this happened to you -- I wonder if you felt shocked, devastated, and hurt when the breakup call happened. That's a lot to go through.

At the beginning I was angry as I couldn't believe that the woman that said to me that I was "perfect" and that she was "very lucky to have found me", now wanted to end things, considering that she knew I was feeling down because my childhood friend that came with me to Italy was leaving. Once I went took the train and came to her city I finally realized what was going on and I started to crumble.

I sent her messages talling her that I loved her and trying to convince her that we should work on the relationship and try one more time, but she answered with a very long voice message that she believed that, even if she cares about me, our paths should go on separatly.

Now I can barely function as I'm in a foreign country and what represented the most important part of my everyday life is gone and maybe forever.

In terms of the first half of your question... like I shared with another new member, I wonder if a good question to ask yourself would be "What would it mean to me if she did or did not "really" have BPD?"

You are very wise making this point, the psychologist said the same to me. At the end, I think I was trying to change just to please her. And if she ended the relationship for one thing now, even if we come back together maybe she will end it for another tomorrow.

Again, form the deep of my heart I thank you as your kind words gave me a lot of solace. I just hope that time do its thing and I start to heal

[judee]

Hi Jucab,

So sorry that that happened to...
I know exactly how you feel. it is very confusing and the first thing you want to do is make sense of it all.

I found myself in the past just like you, trying to get my head around it by hoping to conclude my ex was narcissistic or something else... ( both times I suspected narcissism and BPD it turned out to be right, they were both diagnosed before I even met them ) So that does help. but with the narcissist I only found out months and months after we broke up after I contacted his mother.

First of all, ALL that you feel now is normal in your situation. You have been treated really inconsistently and then discarder out of the blue. Ofcourse this hurts.
The reasons that she says,  that she is trying to carry you including herself are of course complete nonsense.
You never asked for that, nor needed it. She had all these citicism what you had to change... it says more about her own ( lack of) self love than about you .

It can seem helpful to know if she was borderline or not.It could be, she sounds at least very inconsistent  , but
I think in the bigger picture it really doesn't really matter. All that matters is how YOU feel, how YOU have been treated and she treats you inconsistent. Blows hot and cold, dumps you just like that.
In now way is that a trustful situation for you.

Keep it together and keep sharing. We are here for you. You got this.

[Jucab]

Hey judee, thanks a lot for taking your time reading and giving me your thoughts. I am deeply moved to find compassion at this time. I don't like to play the victim cards but as both of my parents are dead this place has been crucial in letting go.

I know exactly how you feel. it is very confusing and the first thing you want to do is make sense of it all

Yeah, it makes me question myself, maybe I was too boring and tired all the time. I needed some down time because I was going out with her everyday, and she told me that to her socializing is so important... i don't know I truly believed that we could have found some equilibrium in our relationship.

She said to me so many incredible things and made me go with her to so many beautiful places, where I had the opportunity to live, albeit for a little moment, the real italian life,,, I was so happy and grateful.

I didn't care the lack of sex, I told her to take it easy and I would be waiting for her when she felt it. I tried to go by my own means to her house, even if it was a two hour trip, I tried to support her and being understanding. When she offered me to live with her, when she envisioned a future with me, driving through Europe in a motorhome,,, I felt "this is the one"

You never asked for that, nor needed it. She had all these citicism what you had to change... it says more about her own ( lack of) self love than about you .

That is true. She is the most intelligent person I've met and she mentioned that even if I didn't ask for help she cared about me and couldn't let me not take care of myself,,so it left me wondering that maybe there is some form of truth in that

It can seem helpful to know if she was borderline or not.It could be, she sounds at least very inconsistent  , but
I think in the bigger picture it really doesn't really matter. All that matters is how YOU feel, how YOU have been treated and she treats you inconsistent. Blows hot and cold, dumps you just like that.
In now way is that a trustful situation for you.

You are right, even if I change to be a better person I will be afraid that any mistake will cost me the relationship again.

Thanks a lot again 

[judee]

If someone loves you and wants you to take better care of yourself, they will say: 'I love you, and I want you to take good care of yourself.' To the most, help you a bit with that.
It is not something to threaten, blackmail or criticise someone with.

[Jucab]

If someone loves you and wants you to take better care of yourself, they will say: 'I love you, and I want you to take good care of yourself.' To the most, help you a bit with that.
It is not something to threaten, blackmail or criticise someone with.

I think the same, and I had the idea that if you love someone (like you SO) you can work on that. Sometimes it disappoints me how little people are willing to fight for a relationship. I suppose that in a time of virtual dating one is easily replaceable. She told me that se spent more than one month with 30 guys before me, so at the end I was just a number more. I don't resent or hate her, its just that I miss her a lot