Does my ex have bpd in your opinion? She’s never been diagnosed or treated.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

As per the title, I’ve written some things down about my relationship with my recent ex. Does this seem like bpd to you or could it just be body dysmorphia and low self esteem. She’s never been diagnosed or treated. She refused anything was wrong until the very end of the relationship. She then said she will get treatment for bdd/bpd but I have no idea now if she is. Most of the things written she wasn’t like for the first year or two but towards the end was very much acting in these ways. I’m struggling with the breakup but reading more about bpd it seems like it was inevitable. I couldn’t believe how quickly she moved on to someone else.

Many times in bed she’d be easily triggered into a mood, if I tried to comfort she’d resist if I didn’t comfort she’d berate. Never could do the right thing just needed to wait, which took some time. She would even tell me she didn’t know which one she wanted and nothing I do was right.

Bed anger could escalate to her raging/throwing a tantrum and saying she’s going home or leaving me, can’t put up with it etc. would need to reassure and bring her anger down which took some time.

She’d get randomly mad at me for no reason even if I hadn’t spoke to her yet. Would always wear me down and when I finally bite or give up she changes mood.

She would tell me she wants to get a reaction from me when she’s angry. To have an argument, when I don’t deal with issues the same way. I don’t need to argue and be nasty to someone to sort a problem out.

Would say something in an obviously sarcastic tone and I would ask why and she would flat out deny it happened, making me feel like a fool for bringing it up or like ive made it up.

Would argue with me and refuse to admit fault even for minor things. I would most of the time just agree even if I didn’t to stop her being angry. She would then guilt trip because she was  “right”.

Would constantly talk about marriage, kids and a house. Was very clear she’d never be the one to leave me, that I was her soulmate and she’s obsessed with me.

If I got upset about something she did, it always ended up she got more angry and upset about it and I would need to be the one to squash it. I felt like I could hardly tell her about things she did that upset me due to this.

She would say I’m patronising and gaslight me if tried to speak about her problems. Eventually stopped bringing it up. Wasn’t worth the guilt trip.

At start of relationship was annoyed if I asked “do you want to come see me” as to her it seemed I didn’t want to see her, had to change to “can you come see me on x”

She would intentionally not eat enough calories and she knew I didn’t like it, that I thought it wasn’t healthy for her. She would then proceed to binge eat and berate herself for failing to keep to her calories.

She would also track her calories and steps obsessively but never be satisfied with the results. Would berate herself if she didn’t stick to it but also if she ever went over would use that as a reason to beat herself up too. Would also binge eat to the point of feeling sick to “punish herself”. Would berate or snap if I tried to help her notice her binge eating, would say I’m “fat shaming” or controlling.

She couldn’t call for appointments and had a hard time around drive throughs or asking for help in shops. Would cause her anxiety and would ask me to do it. Was afraid she’d mess up or not know what to say. She’d think they’d judge her if she’d order something altered.

She would never believe or flat out refuse I could love her because she in unlovable and no one could possibly love her. She would say I’m only with her because it’s convenient. As soon as I can go out I’d find someone better.

Would call herself vile, disgusting, fat, lazy cunt. Would say ew if saw herself in mirror or grab her belly. Would also have breakdowns when looking in the mirror. Would minimise this by saying every girl feels this way.

Wound get lip filler but never be happy with the results. Would always want bigger or something else cosmetically doing. When trying to tell her it’s a psychological problem not a physical one she would show me other cosmetically enhanced girls and say/try prove how much better they look.

She would say she’s the “ugly fat” kind and she needed to be skinnier always. Wound deny that bone structure exists and that girls can have different structures/genetics. She would say every girl can look like “that” (small structure hips, ribs and shoulders). She would believe she could look that skinny even though her bone structure wouldn’t allow it. She would also show me fatter girls than her but they are the “sexy fat” ones. She could also never be “sexy fat”.

Would wake up in ‘guilt trip’ moods and be passive aggressive and sharp. Everything she said would have a twinge of guilt to it. No idea how she managed to do it but after 10 or so it would start to get to me. Any attempt to tell her she was doing it would come with denial or gaslighting.

She wouldn’t sleep well or have a night without waking up multiple times. She would worry where I’ve been if I got up while she was asleep. Would usually wake up and ask where I’ve been.

Started to make me feel bad about my progress with my mental health. Even though I was making progress she would focus on what I can’t do yet or what she wishes I could do. Became more recurring towards the end where the only thing I could reply is “If you can’t put up with it I understand if you want to leave me”.

I believe the better I was getting the worse she would get as this would trigger the fear of abandonment. She would have preferred me to stay not being able to do anything as this means I couldn’t leave her.

When triggered at her home would shut me out and tell me she’s fine or that she’s been crying and eating but not let me do anything to help.

Would make suicide jokes and ideations to deflect from any responsibility to do with her mental health. E.g “you won’t have to worry bout me anymore when I off myself” “I’d be better off dead, then you’d be happy”.

Denied there was anything wrong so no need to get treatment and would be willing to end the relationship over it. Then when relationship was ended would come back and say she will get treatment for it.

I had to watch and think very carefully about what I said as to not trigger her which became exhausting as not matter how hard I tried i inevitably still did. And then I had to restrain from biting back when she got angry and tried to provoke me for a response. Especially around food, her looks, clothes, other people.

She would be very afraid if left on her own and if she ever was would cause her distress. Would think she is going to get burgled or kidnapped. Would also be very weary of everyone on the street, cross the road or avoid as she thought they could harm her or they were dodgy.

Started to dread when she would come round towards the end of the relationship as she was in the constant triggered mood and would say she doesn’t want any affection or like being around me anymore.

She became progressively more down and depressed as the relationship went on. Wasn’t interested in anything I enjoyed. Had no sex drive or affection. Would say she feels bad 24/7.
This is stark opposite to start of relationship where she was very affectionate and seemed happy, complimentary and loved being in my company.

Would act fine and happy in front of everyone else, was very good at not showing negative emotion or lack of care but changed as soon as it was us alone.

Would be very hard to tell her about her problems when she was in a more receptive mood as she would use that as another reason to beat herself up instead of take responsibility for it.

Towards end would tell me not to talk to her about crypto or things I’m interested in as she doesn’t care about it. Even if I mentioned it slightly she got annoyed and would say “I told you I don’t care about or believe in that stuff stop talking to me about it”.

Would guilt trip me if I was playing a game or doing something else while she was here. Would only be ok if my attention was on her, even if I asked if it was ok if I do this for x amount of time, she would say yes but still guilt me/ make sarcastic comments about it.

She would try coerce me into breaking up with her but didn’t actually want me to. Tried to fulfil her own prophecy. Said I’m going to do it eventually may aswell be now. Said she’s unlovable so why would I want to be with her. She was sure I’d come to the realisation eventually.

She would have big blow up arguments with her family where it could escalate to physical attacks and verbal abuse. She couldn’t leave the situations and just got herself more and more angry unless I managed to somehow convince her to leave or stop provoking them more. Her parents would not back down either, especially her mum. She would tell me that’s how they act to solve problems, have big blows up and then be fine afterwards. Couldn’t understand why I didn’t with my family. They would say extremely nasty things to each other and it became a game of who could say the most hurtful thing.

She would complain that she had no friends and didn’t like socialising but would want to still socialise and clearly had friends. Would also be triggered by social media and comparing herself to others.

She would need a new outfit for every event she went out to. Would refuse to rewear anything. Takes her many purchases to find the right one to wear. Would say she has no clothes when full closest full.

She would never believe any compliments I gave her. Told me I was lying and why lie to her. But would also be angry if I didn’t compliment her on certain situations or with things she wore. She would say I only compliment her because I need to.

Towards the end would tell me she feels unloved by me and that the spark has gone even though I hadn’t change how affectionate I was she just became more distant and cold. Told me she doesn’t find me sexually attractive anymore and then later said I should have tried to fix that.

Is very jealous of her sister and thinks that her parents prefer and treat her better than herself. Would say she’s the favourite child and they always treated her with more care and respect. Would say her parents thought she was “tougher and not as sensitive as Her sister” and could deal with things better. However gf just didn’t show that things bothered her and would internalise it or self harm without them knowing. She would not show them how much it affected her.

Would get very upset if I spoke about her issues to anyone. Would say it’s rude and disrespectful. Even if I spoke to my mum she would say it’s none of her business or that I’m bitching about her and making her look bad.

Would always say my family and friends didn’t like her and would worry about what they thought about her.

At the start of relationship made me unfollow every attractive girl on my Instagram. Would say it’s disrespectful. Would cover my eyes if women or nudity on tv.

Would bring up previous girls I was with and trigger herself into moods.

Would worry she wouldn’t be able to trust me once I’m better and able to go out. Would think I would be unfaithful even though I never did anything that would make her think that. Would say I’m going to forget about her once I’m better and able to do things with other people.

Overreact to things that seem insignificant for others but couldn’t control it. She would not calm down for a while and then when she does she would maybe see she did overreact.

She didn’t want to meet my friends, so if I ever suggested them to come round she said she wouldn’t want to be here. In the end never invited any and only spent time with her, which affected my friendships.

Would make me feel guilty if I spent any time on my phone talking to friends or doing other things. Saying I should prioritise her when she’s here, but she would spend time on her phone and couldn’t see the hypocrisy of it.

She would go through these cycles of big build ups of anger, guilt, shame and sadness that would only end when she had a big breakdown and express the true underlying reasons she’s struggling. She would need to get extremely angry to reach the state of breakdown and any of my attempts to bypass the big buildup and talk straight about the issue didn’t work. She would say she’s not ready to talk about it yet and get very defensive if i pried. When In the breakdown state she would cry and apologise profusely. Usually to do with being unloveable, disgusting and fearing abandonment. She would not know how to deal with it and then the cycle would repeat every few weeks/months.

On important events like her birthday she would usually get very angry over something small as she puts a lot of expectation on the event. She would expect every year that something will go wrong.

She was never content with anything. Always worrying about the next stage of life and comparing to others. Need to get married, move out, have kids, go away etc. if she did go away never be happy on it, same with social events.

Told me I was her true and forever love and that she hope we rekindled in the future after she broke up with me. Said she didn’t want to be with anyone else at all, that she just wanted to focus on herself and couldn’t be in relationship and focus on herself at the same time. But was talking to someone else before we broke up and started seeing them whilst still telling me she didn’t want to see or be with anyone even after I specifically asked for closure. Gaslit me for asking about him making out it was nothing and I was stupid to even think it.

[Flippyfloppy]

As per the title, I’ve written some things down about my relationship with my recent ex. Does this seem like bpd to you or could it just be body dysmorphia and low self esteem. She’s never been diagnosed or treated. She refused anything was wrong until the very end of the relationship. She then said she will get treatment for bdd/bpd but I have no idea now if she is. Most of the things written she wasn’t like for the first year or two but towards the end was very much acting in these ways. I’m struggling with the breakup but reading more about bpd it seems like it was inevitable. I couldn’t believe how quickly she moved on to someone else.

Many times in bed she’d be easily triggered into a mood, if I tried to comfort she’d resist if I didn’t comfort she’d berate. Never could do the right thing just needed to wait, which took some time. She would even tell me she didn’t know which one she wanted and nothing I do was right.

Bed anger could escalate to her raging/throwing a tantrum and saying she’s going home or leaving me, can’t put up with it etc. would need to reassure and bring her anger down which took some time.

She’d get randomly mad at me for no reason even if I hadn’t spoke to her yet. Would always wear me down and when I finally bite or give up she changes mood.

She would tell me she wants to get a reaction from me when she’s angry. To have an argument, when I don’t deal with issues the same way. I don’t need to argue and be nasty to someone to sort a problem out.

Would say something in an obviously sarcastic tone and I would ask why and she would flat out deny it happened, making me feel like a fool for bringing it up or like ive made it up.

Would argue with me and refuse to admit fault even for minor things. I would most of the time just agree even if I didn’t to stop her being angry. She would then guilt trip because she was  “right”.

Would constantly talk about marriage, kids and a house. Was very clear she’d never be the one to leave me, that I was her soulmate and she’s obsessed with me.

If I got upset about something she did, it always ended up she got more angry and upset about it and I would need to be the one to squash it. I felt like I could hardly tell her about things she did that upset me due to this.

She would say I’m patronising and gaslight me if tried to speak about her problems. Eventually stopped bringing it up. Wasn’t worth the guilt trip.

At start of relationship was annoyed if I asked “do you want to come see me” as to her it seemed I didn’t want to see her, had to change to “can you come see me on x”

She would intentionally not eat enough calories and she knew I didn’t like it, that I thought it wasn’t healthy for her. She would then proceed to binge eat and berate herself for failing to keep to her calories.

She would also track her calories and steps obsessively but never be satisfied with the results. Would berate herself if she didn’t stick to it but also if she ever went over would use that as a reason to beat herself up too. Would also binge eat to the point of feeling sick to “punish herself”. Would berate or snap if I tried to help her notice her binge eating, would say I’m “fat shaming” or controlling.

She couldn’t call for appointments and had a hard time around drive throughs or asking for help in shops. Would cause her anxiety and would ask me to do it. Was afraid she’d mess up or not know what to say. She’d think they’d judge her if she’d order something altered.

She would never believe or flat out refuse I could love her because she in unlovable and no one could possibly love her. She would say I’m only with her because it’s convenient. As soon as I can go out I’d find someone better.

Would call herself vile, disgusting, fat, lazy cunt. Would say ew if saw herself in mirror or grab her belly. Would also have breakdowns when looking in the mirror. Would minimise this by saying every girl feels this way.

Wound get lip filler but never be happy with the results. Would always want bigger or something else cosmetically doing. When trying to tell her it’s a psychological problem not a physical one she would show me other cosmetically enhanced girls and say/try prove how much better they look.

She would say she’s the “ugly fat” kind and she needed to be skinnier always. Wound deny that bone structure exists and that girls can have different structures/genetics. She would say every girl can look like “that” (small structure hips, ribs and shoulders). She would believe she could look that skinny even though her bone structure wouldn’t allow it. She would also show me fatter girls than her but they are the “sexy fat” ones. She could also never be “sexy fat”.

Would wake up in ‘guilt trip’ moods and be passive aggressive and sharp. Everything she said would have a twinge of guilt to it. No idea how she managed to do it but after 10 or so it would start to get to me. Any attempt to tell her she was doing it would come with denial or gaslighting.

She wouldn’t sleep well or have a night without waking up multiple times. She would worry where I’ve been if I got up while she was asleep. Would usually wake up and ask where I’ve been.

Started to make me feel bad about my progress with my mental health. Even though I was making progress she would focus on what I can’t do yet or what she wishes I could do. Became more recurring towards the end where the only thing I could reply is “If you can’t put up with it I understand if you want to leave me”.

I believe the better I was getting the worse she would get as this would trigger the fear of abandonment. She would have preferred me to stay not being able to do anything as this means I couldn’t leave her.

When triggered at her home would shut me out and tell me she’s fine or that she’s been crying and eating but not let me do anything to help.

Would make suicide jokes and ideations to deflect from any responsibility to do with her mental health. E.g “you won’t have to worry bout me anymore when I off myself” “I’d be better off dead, then you’d be happy”.

Denied there was anything wrong so no need to get treatment and would be willing to end the relationship over it. Then when relationship was ended would come back and say she will get treatment for it.

I had to watch and think very carefully about what I said as to not trigger her which became exhausting as not matter how hard I tried i inevitably still did. And then I had to restrain from biting back when she got angry and tried to provoke me for a response. Especially around food, her looks, clothes, other people.

She would be very afraid if left on her own and if she ever was would cause her distress. Would think she is going to get burgled or kidnapped. Would also be very weary of everyone on the street, cross the road or avoid as she thought they could harm her or they were dodgy.

Started to dread when she would come round towards the end of the relationship as she was in the constant triggered mood and would say she doesn’t want any affection or like being around me anymore.

She became progressively more down and depressed as the relationship went on. Wasn’t interested in anything I enjoyed. Had no sex drive or affection. Would say she feels bad 24/7.
This is stark opposite to start of relationship where she was very affectionate and seemed happy, complimentary and loved being in my company.

Would act fine and happy in front of everyone else, was very good at not showing negative emotion or lack of care but changed as soon as it was us alone.

Would be very hard to tell her about her problems when she was in a more receptive mood as she would use that as another reason to beat herself up instead of take responsibility for it.

Towards end would tell me not to talk to her about crypto or things I’m interested in as she doesn’t care about it. Even if I mentioned it slightly she got annoyed and would say “I told you I don’t care about or believe in that stuff stop talking to me about it”.

Would guilt trip me if I was playing a game or doing something else while she was here. Would only be ok if my attention was on her, even if I asked if it was ok if I do this for x amount of time, she would say yes but still guilt me/ make sarcastic comments about it.

She would try coerce me into breaking up with her but didn’t actually want me to. Tried to fulfil her own prophecy. Said I’m going to do it eventually may aswell be now. Said she’s unlovable so why would I want to be with her. She was sure I’d come to the realisation eventually.

She would have big blow up arguments with her family where it could escalate to physical attacks and verbal abuse. She couldn’t leave the situations and just got herself more and more angry unless I managed to somehow convince her to leave or stop provoking them more. Her parents would not back down either, especially her mum. She would tell me that’s how they act to solve problems, have big blows up and then be fine afterwards. Couldn’t understand why I didn’t with my family. They would say extremely nasty things to each other and it became a game of who could say the most hurtful thing.

She would complain that she had no friends and didn’t like socialising but would want to still socialise and clearly had friends. Would also be triggered by social media and comparing herself to others.

She would need a new outfit for every event she went out to. Would refuse to rewear anything. Takes her many purchases to find the right one to wear. Would say she has no clothes when full closest full.

She would never believe any compliments I gave her. Told me I was lying and why lie to her. But would also be angry if I didn’t compliment her on certain situations or with things she wore. She would say I only compliment her because I need to.

Towards the end would tell me she feels unloved by me and that the spark has gone even though I hadn’t change how affectionate I was she just became more distant and cold. Told me she doesn’t find me sexually attractive anymore and then later said I should have tried to fix that.

Is very jealous of her sister and thinks that her parents prefer and treat her better than herself. Would say she’s the favourite child and they always treated her with more care and respect. Would say her parents thought she was “tougher and not as sensitive as Her sister” and could deal with things better. However gf just didn’t show that things bothered her and would internalise it or self harm without them knowing. She would not show them how much it affected her.

Would get very upset if I spoke about her issues to anyone. Would say it’s rude and disrespectful. Even if I spoke to my mum she would say it’s none of her business or that I’m bitching about her and making her look bad.

Would always say my family and friends didn’t like her and would worry about what they thought about her.

At the start of relationship made me unfollow every attractive girl on my Instagram. Would say it’s disrespectful. Would cover my eyes if women or nudity on tv.

Would bring up previous girls I was with and trigger herself into moods.

Would worry she wouldn’t be able to trust me once I’m better and able to go out. Would think I would be unfaithful even though I never did anything that would make her think that. Would say I’m going to forget about her once I’m better and able to do things with other people.

Overreact to things that seem insignificant for others but couldn’t control it. She would not calm down for a while and then when she does she would maybe see she did overreact.

She didn’t want to meet my friends, so if I ever suggested them to come round she said she wouldn’t want to be here. In the end never invited any and only spent time with her, which affected my friendships.

Would make me feel guilty if I spent any time on my phone talking to friends or doing other things. Saying I should prioritise her when she’s here, but she would spend time on her phone and couldn’t see the hypocrisy of it.

She would go through these cycles of big build ups of anger, guilt, shame and sadness that would only end when she had a big breakdown and express the true underlying reasons she’s struggling. She would need to get extremely angry to reach the state of breakdown and any of my attempts to bypass the big buildup and talk straight about the issue didn’t work. She would say she’s not ready to talk about it yet and get very defensive if i pried. When In the breakdown state she would cry and apologise profusely. Usually to do with being unloveable, disgusting and fearing abandonment. She would not know how to deal with it and then the cycle would repeat every few weeks/months.

On important events like her birthday she would usually get very angry over something small as she puts a lot of expectation on the event. She would expect every year that something will go wrong.

She was never content with anything. Always worrying about the next stage of life and comparing to others. Need to get married, move out, have kids, go away etc. if she did go away never be happy on it, same with social events.

Told me I was her true and forever love and that she hope we rekindled in the future after she broke up with me. Said she didn’t want to be with anyone else at all, that she just wanted to focus on herself and couldn’t be in relationship and focus on herself at the same time. But was talking to someone else before we broke up and started seeing them whilst still telling me she didn’t want to see or be with anyone even after I specifically asked for closure. Gaslit me for asking about him making out it was nothing and I was stupid to even think it.

[kells76]

Hi Flippyfloppy, welcome to the site 

It makes sense that you'd have a lot of questions after the end of a relationship like that -- especially her moving on to a new partner so quickly after the breakup.

Does this seem like bpd to you or could it just be body dysmorphia and low self esteem. She’s never been diagnosed or treated. She refused anything was wrong until the very end of the relationship. She then said she will get treatment for bdd/bpd but I have no idea now if she is.

Well... on the one hand, these aren't functional or healthy relational behaviors. That's a given.

On the other hand... I wonder if a bigger question is really: what would it mean to you if it were "actually" one or the other, or both, or neither?

I'm curious if there's something you're hoping for, if it turns out that she was "actually" BPD, or had BDD, etc? Does that make sense?

I'm definitely not asking that to say "you shouldn't be curious" or "just stop labeling". I think that learning about the behavior/trait constellation associated with a certain label or diagnosis can provide an "aha!" moment that helps us make more sense of what happened. I'm thinking that's where you're coming from -- wanting to make sense of what happened?

Once we have that starting point, we can move forward and ask ourselves -- so what does it mean in my life, to me, and for me moving forward, if she did/didn't have BPD.

Sometimes I find myself in a similar position -- my husband's kids' mom has many BPD type traits and behaviors, but no diagnosis as far as I know. Even 10+ years into dealing with her, I still sometimes have moments of wondering: was I really the oversensitive one, maybe she isn't that bad, was I exaggerating all this to myself this whole time, etc.

So I guess the two questions go hand in hand: are her behaviors typical of someone with BPD (regardless of whether she's diagnosed or not), AND -- so what do I do with that in my life going forward.

Not sure if you've checked out this link yet -- it's titled "I think it's Borderline Personality Disorder, but how can I know?", which seems pretty fitting 

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder

Give it a read and let's keep talking. You've obviously been through a lot, and I'm sure your list isn't even everything.

Again, welcome;

kells76

[Flippyfloppy]

In honesty it’ll help me feel less crazy for thinking or “diagnosing” her when she flat out refused anything was wrong and gaslit me for thinking it.

It would take a lot of the pressure off about why it ended, as if she does have bpd then this is part of their cycle and it’s nothing to do with me or anything I did wrong in the relationship which can stop my own self berating. It’ll also help me know and be stronger to not to get back with her as if it isn’t bpd then maybe she won’t act like that again but if it is then it’ll probably be the same cycle.

Reading through it all I know she fits pretty much every diagnostic criteria. I thought she had bpd even before I read about the cycles and more in depth due to her always fearing abandonment and having unreasonable anger outbursts and that was new to me. It’s good to get unbiased third party opinions  as I could have cognitive bias due to my love and feelings for her.

I would also probably not resent her as much as I understand with bpd they’re acting out of extreme emotional pain and even the horrible things she’s said and done aren’t fully her fault but coping mechanisms. If not bpd then she’s just an awful human who can lie, gaslight and manipulate me.

So in conclusion I want to know for my own sanity and to be more sure of what I’m looking out for in future relationships, or what to avoid I suppose.