Ruminating whether I did right or wrong about small issue

[Manic Miner]

My uBPD W mentioned some hiking date in September and I said that I've seen it also and we could go together. A week or so passed and after some time she said - my student called me to that hiking date, so we are going together. She mentioned there were no more places in the bus.
Immediately I felt bad, but it sounded suspicious as well. I called our guide (I know all of the guides in that mountaineering club) and she said positive - there were lots of places in the bus, so I could go. I enrolled myself.

I felt bad again, either my wife was lying (likely) or her student really said that. But anyway, I mentioned to her I will also go with them.

Let's just say that she didn't accept that well. From "so what should I do now? I promised her to go, I cannot sit with you in the bus, it will be awkward" to "I don't want to go with you alone on any trip for now".
I said - well, having more people with us is good, I always meet nice people in hiking groups, I don't mind your friend at all. To what she said "yeah it's always about you, how you feel and not what I think."

To cut story short, I cancelled my going. The whole situation felt... foul. If I did go, I'd probably need to face my distant and cold W and her friend. The purpose of hiking for me is to deeply relax in nature and long distance walking. So I said screw it, next time I'm not making any plans with her, I'm just going.

But, thinking about it more, maybe I should've ignored my W now and go, pursuing my stuff regardless? Either way, I felt sad. W and I always had great times hiking together, it was one of the healthier ways (or so I thought) for us to bond.
Anyway, she was perfectly happy to hear that I cancelled my going to which it felt... narcissistic. There was zero empathy coming from her, no "thanks", no "will be better next time" or anything. She was probably lying about the bus and bypassed me completely when her friend asked her, even though she knew I wanted to go on that trip before.

Did I make the right choice with cancelling? How should I approach this better in the future? I'm also asking myself - should I really make plans with her ever again after these suspicious hiding maneuvers?

[maxsterling]

First - no sense in second guessing.  You did nothing wrong.  If she were not BPD, this would be a non issue.  You would either go together, or you would communicate and she would go alone and it would be no big deal.

It sounds to me that she really wanted to go with someone else and not have you around.  That is her choice.  Sure you feel sad about not being invited - but it is normal for couples to do separate things. 

My feeling is that when you found out that there still was room but W told you there wasn't, you should have just dropped the matter and assumed she wanted to go without you but was afraid to tell you (or thought it none of your business).  Then tell her to have fun, and use the time while she is gone to go on a different hike yourself, do some self-care, etc. 

Frankly, if my W told me she wanted to go someplace by herself, my head would immediately go to all the fun and relaxing things I could do while she is gone without her looking over my shoulder. 

[Notwendy]

A couple of issues here. First, your wife wanted to go with her student on her own but to avoid the shame of having discussed this with you and then changing her plans, she lied about space on the bus. The problem is not that she wanted to go on her own- that is OK. She's her own person and can do things with friends. The lying about it is due to her own difficulty with direct communication.

You felt disinvited and sensed her reply wasn't genuine and called to check on if she was telling the truth. Ok, I understand that because when I get the sense that BPD mother is acting vague or not truthful, I do sometimes cross check the information because I want to know if what she's telling me is true or not.

Where I think you crossed the line is that you then signed up for the trip. Your wife didn't ask you to come with them. She didn't go about it in the way you would have wanted to but she did express that she was going with her student and she did not include you. You then included yourself. That crossed a line.

There's some issue with boundaries here. First on the part of your wife. I don't know what kind of relationship she has with a "student" or how old that student is but personal outings with a student are not usually appropriate. It also makes a difference if that student is male or female. Had she chosen to go hiking with a male and exclude you, that would raise my eyebrows.

If it's a hiking trip with a female friend, I think you should have stayed out of it. This is a girl's day out. For you to come along would change the dynamics. Personally, I'd be angry if my H decided to just invite himself along with me and a female friend without even asking me. What if the friend wanted to discuss something personal with her? What if your wife wanted to just have some girl time with the friend and it had nothing to do with you? You made this personal - about you and then inserted yourself to show her you were right. You found out there was room on the bus, she lied and now you are coming along whether she wants you to or not. Yet, she's her own individual. Can she not make the choice to do something with a friend on her own? That would feel demeaning to her.

There's something about her wanting to go with a friend that felt hurtful to you but it may not have had anything to do with you- possibly the baggage from the dynamics between you and you reacted to that in what seems like a counterattack to me, but a counterattack would add fuel to the drama. Another response could have been to say " I wish we had done this together as I enjoy hiking with you. How about we plan a hike together sometime soon too?"

I think you did the right thing to cancel and step out of it. You can still take a nice hiking trip with your wife. Find another day that works for you and ask her to join you. Then you call the bus, or drive and make plans for the day. If you enjoy hiking together- great- because her going on this trip doesn't exclude a nice day of hiking for you- you can still go another time and have your nice day together.

[Notwendy]

I think what probably contributed to your feelings is that pwBPD tend to treat who they are most intimate with worse than they treat acquaintances. It probably seems unfair that your wife seems at her best with this other person as if they are getting more of the "good part" than you are.

I think we all do this to some extent- have a social persona with people we are not as close to, but it's more consistent. With the pwBPD it can seem like a whole different person.

My BPD mother has an entirely different social persona but others are not getting the "best" of her. It's not authentic. It's the part of her she wants people to see.  Once I planned to visit her for her birthday. Her friends had invited her to do something with them. She could have included me- I knew them too and would have enjoyed seeing them. Instead she choose to go with them and exclude me.

Of course my feelings were hurt. There was no apparent reason she needed to exclude me and yes, it hurts that she chose them and not me but I don't think her reason to do this had anything to do with me ( even if it was hurtful to not consider how I might feel about it). She wasn't even thinking of me. She was thinking about herself, her social need. I also don't think she wanted me to see her social persona- because she knows it's different from how she is with me. She may even be worried I would contradict her in some way.

So yes, it feels hurtful but it likely was not that your wife prefers this person over you, but a social need of hers.

[Manic Miner]

Guys, thanks a lot on that insight.

There's so much to process these days, some easy mistakes get by and cannot see the forest for the trees. Every day has some new challenges in our relationship/separation thing.

A couple of issues here. First, your wife wanted to go with her student on her own but to avoid the shame of having discussed this with you and then changing her plans, she lied about space on the bus. The problem is not that she wanted to go on her own- that is OK. She's her own person and can do things with friends. The lying about it is due to her own difficulty with direct communication.

Of course. She could just say "hey I'd really want to go alone or with X", I wouldn't complain at all.

It's a context thing. About a month ago I planned to go hiking with the same club. W was doing her thing. She asked me to spend that day with her and our D. I said I couldn't, I'd go hiking. She was angry - oh why didn't you say that in advance, what were you hiding etc. Probably abandonment issue hit her.
I said alright - I see your point. I didn't hide anything, you were busy doing your thing, we separated anyway, I signed up for this alone. But to better our poor communication, let's tell each other in advance about our plans and events we both love and ask each other, no strings attached? She agreed.

So after our agreement for better communication, came this one. I fully understand now that she wanted to go alone. But it felt worse for me, as I got scolded for going by myself before, yet she lied after I asked her to go together on the same trip, to cut me out, as her friend asked her as well. She didn't think that I also wanted to go on that trip, even though I announced that weeks ago.

It's not a big deal, we can learn from this. I understand her viewpoint, it wasn't mean by nature. But this made the communication needlessly complicated and somewhat dishonest. Our agreement wasn't set in stone, just being more open could do wonders.

And what @maxsterling said, I'll try to not engage next time, regardless of who's right or wrong.

Where I think you crossed the line is that you then signed up for the trip. Your wife didn't ask you to come with them. She didn't go about it in the way you would have wanted to but she did express that she was going with her student and she did not include you. You then included yourself. That crossed a line.  

Fair enough. I'm glad I made good decision for cancelling.

There's some issue with boundaries here. First on the part of your wife. I don't know what kind of relationship she has with a "student" or how old that student is but personal outings with a student are not usually appropriate. It also makes a difference if that student is male or female. Had she chosen to go hiking with a male and exclude you, that would raise my eyebrows.

Oh yes.    Luckily, it's not a male friend. W has been her private online language teacher for over a year, they made friends and sometimes go together, it's not against the rules of online school. And I have nothing against that, whatsoever.

Another response could have been to say " I wish we had done this together as I enjoy hiking with you. How about we plan a hike together sometime soon too?"

Thanks. Yes that sentence could mean openness in the future.

I think you did the right thing to cancel and step out of it. You can still take a nice hiking trip with your wife. Find another day that works for you and ask her to join you. Then you call the bus, or drive and make plans for the day. If you enjoy hiking together- great- because her going on this trip doesn't exclude a nice day of hiking for you- you can still go another time and have your nice day together.

So much to learn from this. Thanks!

[Manic Miner]

I think what probably contributed to your feelings is that pwBPD tend to treat who they are most intimate with worse than they treat acquaintances. It probably seems unfair that your wife seems at her best with this other person as if they are getting more of the "good part" than you are.

I think we all do this to some extent- have a social persona with people we are not as close to, but it's more consistent. With the pwBPD it can seem like a whole different person.

Of course my feelings were hurt. There was no apparent reason she needed to exclude me and yes, it hurts that she chose them and not me but I don't think her reason to do this had anything to do with me ( even if it was hurtful to not consider how I might feel about it).
She wasn't even thinking of me. She was thinking about herself, her social need. I also don't think she wanted me to see her social persona- because she knows it's different from how she is with me. She may even be worried I would contradict her in some way.

So yes, it feels hurtful but it likely was not that your wife prefers this person over you, but a social need of hers.

That's another insight and so true. I completely forgot about this. That would also explain why she doesn't want me to be around her mates in her running team, even though we had a great time together. As you said, it's nothing personal, but more about their social persona/need.